NOVEL NEXT 57: Waging a Holey War
The saddest part about being at the bottom of the Fantastic Blowhole with a broken ankle, an unconscious kappa, and a malfunctioning communication device was that I wasn’t even close to my mission objective in literal Hell. I hadn’t had a good first run at all.
I’d consider the run a success if I dumped Nitori into the water before she died, and Okina was able to take me to Doctor Yagokoro so that she could cut off my foot and put something in its place that had fewer nerve endings. The underground river was a few hundred feet away. All I had to do was get there; then I could go home.
I spent a few minutes composing myself. Then I put my arms around Nitori and stood up despite all my injuries. I didn’t have the strength or balance necessary to stand up on one leg while lifting an unconscious kappa, but I could fucking fly. Even if my vertical range was only a yard, that was enough to get me up on my feet–or my foot, rather.
I thanked the stars that weren’t above that my wings hadn’t broken during the fall. I had worked hard for them, after all. The cave floor had been cleared between my landing spot and the water’s edge. The slight slope was lit by pale green torches attached to a bridge that crossed the river. The bridge was slightly to my right, and the water was flowing to the left.
I should avoid the bridge, I thought.
As I shifted to look around I overbalanced, and for one heart-stopping second I thought I’d fall on my broken ankle, but I managed to “fly” myself upright again. I felt a bit like one of those self-righting inflatable clowns. It wasn’t the first time that Gensokyo had made me feel that way.
“There’s nothing for it,” I said to the unconscious Nitori, because the crystal still wasn’t working. “We’ll have to get hopping.” She didn’t laugh. I wasn’t sure that being conscious would have changed anything.
With the help of my ability to fly, I lifted a foot off the ground and hopped toward the river. I landed gingerly on my good ankle, having made a few feet of progress. My dangling broken ankle complained, in the same way that the brakes on railways whisper. It was like shaking a coin purse, but every metallic tinkle was painful enough to make me scream.
I held in my screams. Parsee might hear them.
“Oh god…” I said, tears running down my face. “Damnit… damnit…”
I hopped again.
–
After several minutes of hopping, I hated my life.
My problem was that I’d failed to save one youkai already. Losing Maroon had broken my heart, and this situation was reminding me of it, even if I wasn’t as close with Nitori as I had been with the tiny fairy. I would be damned if I lost another youkai.
In a way, I was already damned–destined for Hell, anyway.
Every time I stopped to catch my breath I found myself wishing that Maroon would remanifest from this alone. The gesture was grand enough, wasn’t it? I wobbled. I was getting dizzy.
You can do it Mister Thorne!
I stared at the crystal. “Maroon?” I asked. It had been her voice, but that didn’t mean anything. “Patchouli?”
No answer came. I looked back down toward the dark spot where my foot was hanging limp, and tears ran down my nose.
“I might be losing it.” I shifted Nitori on my shoulder. She was dying; I had no time to spare. “Yep. I think I’m hallucinating. I’m going to keep trying anyway.”
The next hop was still excruciatingly painful.
I elected to go straight toward the water. Giving the bridge a wider berth might have helped me avoid Mizuhashi Parsee, but I would have had to hop one or more extra times, so it wasn’t an option. My leg was burning from holding up my ruined ankle, and I was panting from the exertion of flying or pain or both.
I wasn’t surprised to hear footsteps as a youkai with glowing green eyes approached me. I was just soul-crushingly defeated. It was Parsee, in her plain leather outfit and with her icy blonde hair. The green light made her as pale as a ghost. Her own green eyes glowed in the dark just like the lanterns on her bridge.
“What are you, a karakasa obake?” she asked. In the faint light Parsee’s expression was angry and dismissive.
“What’s that?” I asked, grinding my teeth. If Parsee was talking, she wasn’t kicking my ass with danmaku.
“They are umbrella youkai. They like to jump out and scare people.” She bit her thumb. I hopped again. “Hopping umbrellas, with only one foot. You look just like one, except you aren’t scary.”
“Thanks, I guess.”
“The only one I know is better at scaring people than me, and she isn’t even all that good at it.”
“I see,” I said, taking another hop. The water was only twenty feet away. “Are you friends with her?”
“No, she’s a trespasser. I hate her.”
“That’s too bad.” Hop. Eighteen feet. “But sometimes you’ve just gotta put your foot down.”
“I hate everybody, so it’s not like she’s unfortunate for it,” said Parsee. I hopped again, as fast as I was able. “You are strong, aren’t you? Heroic, even?”
“There is no fucking way you can be jealous of me right now,” I said, hopping again. “I’m in excruciating pain, I’m far from home, I have no home, I’m weak…” I recognized her magic affecting me. I focused on self-serving defiance instead of mere envy.
“You’ve got a beautiful girl over your shoulder. You are rescuing her. She’ll adore you, for saving her life.” Parsee grumbled. “You seem fulfilled.”
“I guess,” I said. I had nothing to prove to her or to the kappa. Nitori was cute, in a way, but being four feet tall was a dealbreaker for me. I wasn’t the tallest guy around and I still towered over her. Also, I’d once heard that kappas were into butt stuff, and that wasn’t my cup of tea, or even in my teabox.
I wasn’t doing this because I wanted Nitori to like me. I was doing it because I wanted her to live, and I was a stubborn son of a bitch. Yeah!
“You seem happy,” said Parsee, with a stunning lack of insight. “Or motivated, at least. Driven.”
“I am kind of motivated right now, yeah,” I said. I hopped again. Twelve feet or so were left.
The water was calm and looked to be just a few feet deep. I was looking forward to putting Nitori down even if I had to drop her. Parsee was standing between me and the bridge, but not between me and the water. I supposed she really was a bridge troll.
“What motivates you?” I asked, to fill the silence before she decided she’d talked enough.
“Taking things from other people,” she said, stepping closer.
“Stay back!” I shouted with my hand raised.
“Do you really want to fight danmaku right now?” She looked at my leg. “I could compel you to dance, for a while. To march in circles. To wait on me as you screamed. That would really knock you down a peg, huh?”
I stared at her in mute horror, my hand raised, my breath ragged. “Was that supposed to be a pun? Peg leg?”
“No.” What a monster.
The compulsion would fail quickly if it hurt too much… but we were in a dark pit. She could apply it again right away. Parsee really could torture me to death, if she wanted, and if I forgot to call for help. Would the compulsion prevent me from calling for help? Her expression was softening, the angry frown becoming more curious and interested.
“I’ll tell you what,” she said. “You leave the kappa right there, and hop the other way.” She leaned back, a grin forming on her face. “If you do that I’ll let you go.”
“You’ll put her in the water?” That bitch might not know I had a magical exit card, even if she knew I couldn’t fly out, so her little prank would be just fine with me… as long as Nitori was saved.
“I’ll do whatever I want with her,” said Parsee. She smiled, and the expression contained both contempt and glee. “You don’t get to decide if she isn’t yours, of course. What do you say?”
“I don’t trust you.”
“You shouldn’t,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m no good.”
I hopped once more. Ten feet was close enough that I could probably make the rest in a burst–except–
“Nu-uh,” said Parsee, putting herself between me and the water. “One more step and I’ll attack.”
“I’m hopping,” I said. “Not stepping.”
“If you do anything except drop her on the ground right there… I’m going to take you apart.” Her eyes were glittering. “And you’ll help me do it.”
I took several labored breaths. This situation had become impossible. It was time for me to retreat, before I lost my life pointlessly–like Byakuren had warned. And yet, I was only a few feet away from saving Nitori. I couldn’t trust Parsee to do a single decent thing.
It would rend my soul to give up when I was so close. Letting Nitori die simply wasn’t my option. It would be against my very nature to give up, then, even if I was facing certain death.
Fine. Time to die–it wasn’t like I could help it anyway. I could taste metal.
I could taste metal?
“Emerald megalith,” gasped Patchouli Knowledge from somewhere behind me. Immense green crystals fell from the cave roof, impacting the ground all around us like anvils. Parsee was struck by one directly.
“Arrgh!” she screamed.
“Calm down… it’s danmaku…” wheezed the librarian, who had flown there as fast as she could. She gestured and a fireball blasted the ground, sending Parsee flying. “That one… was… motivational.”
Go to the water, commanded Patchouli straight into my mind. Her voice was resplendent, glorious, and strong, at least in my thoughts. Now!
“Yes ma'am!” I said. I hopped forward and lifted into the air, making the last ten feet in one go. Then I overbalanced and fell in the water with Kawashiro Nitori.
–
If you think walking on a broken ankle is fun, you should try swimming with one! My first kick made me go dizzy and faint with agony. Within moments my clothing was soaking wet and I was at a serious risk of drowning. The water was only a few feet deep, but it only takes a few inches to drown.
I let go of Nitori and hoped she could breathe underwater. It was one of many things I hadn’t bothered to check. The surface was nearby, and I went for it.
A strong, small hand pawed at my thigh. I yelped, letting out a breath, but at least my head broke the water as I sat up.
Kappa, according to legend, mostly did normal youkai things. They’d eat your liver, or drown you, or perhaps suck your blood or give you a boon. However, the butt stuff that kappa were known for was a bit outlandish.
Legend had it that they’d stick their hands up your ass and pull out your ‘little anus bead,’ a container for your soul. The explanation for the legend in the Outside World was that people sometimes drowned, and that a youkai that simply grabbed your legs wasn’t scary enough to keep children away from the river. You had to threaten them with turtles attacking their butts. However, in Gensokyo, things like that weren’t mere superstitions to guide children.
Wiki had told me all about it and warned me not to swim in the mountain rivers in Gensokyo. If a kappa stuck their hand up your backside and pulled anything out, you would not survive.
This was a cave river, but there was a kappa in it. I was dismayed that Nitori seemed to be trying to get my pants off. She smacked my aching butt–and after everything I’d done for her!
Fortunately, it turned out that she only wanted her hat. The kappa yanked it out of my pocket and jammed it down on her head. Then she grabbed me around the chest with her shorter arms and lifted me out of the water.
“Gods, yer heavy,” said the turtle youkai. We landed on the stony bank and I yelped.
“Speak for yourself!” I said.
“I’m dainty as a button,” she said. “‘Especially without my bag. Did you have to leave it? I’ve got no equipment for showing that bridge lady who’s boss!”
Behind us, Parsee and Patchouli were still fighting. Green spheres were impinging on the cave walls all around, casting crazy shadows, and metal danmaku clanged into the floor and ceiling. Nitori pulled a pair of scissors out from her dress without looking away from the fight.
“Good thing I keep some stuff in my pockets,” she said, turning toward me.
“My arms were full,” I said. She was cutting my pant leg up, over my broken ankle. “So sue me!”
“No lawyers in Gensokyo, unless some snuck in with the last batch.” She was pulling something out of one of her other dress pockets–a soggy roll of medical fabric slathered in plaster. “Least ‘ya had enough sense to grab my hat!”
“So your hat is your dish!” I exclaimed. She pinched my ankle with a shockingly strong grip and yanked it, causing me to cry out.
“Hush about that,” she said. “You’re lucky it’s only broken in two places. The bone’s set, now I’m going to wrap ya.” She did it quickly and expertly.
“It felt like a bag of gravel,” I said.
“Yeah, well,” she said. She tied me up tight. “Pain’s funny that way.”
“You’re good at that,” I said, my voice trembling. I was in a lot of pain, and feeling pretty funny.
“I’ve been thinking about it fer twenty minutes,” she said. “I was awake the whole time, by the way. I’m impressed with you, fer a lot of reasons! Thank you for saving me!”
“You’re welcome,” I said, my heart swelling.
“I also saw you checking me out,” she said, her cheeks a bit red. “Sorry, boy, yer not my type.”
“D–darn,” I said. “Believe it or not, that’s not why I saved you. And I was looking at your key, mostly.”
“I believe it,” she said.
“What’s it for?” Might as well gather information.
“Nunya.” Nitori did something, and the cast set instantly.
“What–”
“Business.”
“What did you do?” I asked.
“I have power over water,” she said, wiping her wet hand on her dress, which was suspiciously dry already. “It comes in handy when setting plaster, or reducing swelling, or when all of my tools are on the surface.”
“I couldn’t–”
“I’m just grousing,” she said, standing up. “Let’s save Miss Knowledge now, m’kay? Try not to put any weight on that, by the way.”
Nitori flew into battle and I hobbled along behind her, half-flying, half walking.
—
“I was supposed to get backup!” complained Parsee as Nitori blasted her with danmaku. “Me, not you!”
“Back up, then,” said the kappa. She called back to us. “Do I have to worry about another one of ‘em?”
Patchouli was standing on the ground next to me, panting. She shook her head, and I called out ‘no’ in case Nitori hadn’t seen. Fights were supposed to be one-on-one, if you were being polite. Our politeness was borne of necessity; Patchouli and I were exhausted. I’d caught my breath, at least, but the librarian hadn’t.
I defeated a spider youkai on my way in, said Patchouli’s heroic, titanic voice. She was going to ambush you. She’ll probably try it again next time. Patchouli herself coughed and gasped.
“Will you be okay?” I asked
I hope so. This musty air is bad for me. We need to head back as soon as possible.
“You saved my life,” I said. “Thank you.”
You’re welcome. This is ironic. I feel like I’m the one who’s paralyzed, now.
“I’d carry you back up, if I were able.”
Thank you. This kind of telepathy only works on one person at a time, so I’ll explain the plan to you while we wait for Miss Kawashiro to deal with Miss Mizuhashi.
—
“That was closer than I like, what with my bag being missing,” said Nitori a few minutes later. Parsee had flown away to hide under her bridge. The kappa’s compulsion was for her to leave us alone.
“Yeah, yeah,” I said.
“What’s the plan?” asked the kappa.
“I’m going to use my power to try to send Patchouli home with Okina’s assistance.” I was mildly surprised that the Absolute Secret God hadn’t made an appearance, yet. “If that succeeds, you’ll carry me out of the Fantastic Blowhole and I’ll hobble home. If it fails and sends me instead, you’ll carry Patchouli to the surface, and she’ll make her way back… and Remilia will intervene, perhaps.” I was very worried for the magician. She’d deigned to sit on the cave floor.
“And if it fails to activate at all?” asked Nitori.
“Well, sorry to make you make two trips–”
“Nah, nah,” said the kappa, waving a hand. “Anyways, what’s wrong with ‘er?” she asked, looking at the wheezing librarian. Patchouli floated back into the air unsteadily.
“She’s–”
“Hush, I hear her in my mind.” Nitori stared for a moment, then nodded. “Y’know, I keep an epipen in my bag?” Another moment. “In case I have an allergic reaction! Why else?”
“Wait, is that what Patchouli needs?” Both of them nodded.
“Y’see, my bag–”
It’s not like my refreshing sigil, but in the circumstances–
“Enough,” I said. “It sounds like you two flying up together is the best option.” I raised my arms, like I’d been taught a few days before. “Oh great goddess, Matara Okina, I beseech–”
Nitori grabbed one of my arms, and Patchouli grabbed the other.
“Thanks again, boy,” said the kappa who was almost two feet shorter than me. “I offer ya one free repair.”
Tomorrow morning we are going to make a better plan, said the librarian.
I nodded. “Of course. I’d do it again.”
“Good fer’ you, I’d never!”
You’ll have to.
“Farewell.” They let go and I raised my arms again. “Oh great goddess, Matara Okina, I beseech thee for safety!”
My whole body curled backwards into an opening between my wings. I was contorted, but fortunately it was painless. In an instant I found myself floating in an empty void with diffuse red light. I heard a door in my own back slam shut.
—
“Hello?” I said. “Miss Matara? The Absolute Secret God?” There was no response. I drifted for a few moments. It was clear that the goddess wasn’t going to talk to me, so I took in the scenery.
Sending Patchouli or Nitori had never been an option, I realized.
Her realm seemed limitless. I saw faint clear bubbles floating against the red light, as though I were immersed in cherry cola, but the air was perfectly breathable. I spotted a few door frames floating through the abyss. They were slowly drifting–or rather, I was. But I didn’t know what I was drifting toward. My spin was slow enough that I didn’t feel nauseated, at least.
Nothing happened for a few minutes. I noticed the bubbles followed a power distribution: most were the size of golf balls or marbles, but a few were as big as beach balls. Far away I saw the outlines of bubbles that could be as big as buildings. It was supremely hard to gauge distance, but a surprisingly bubbly place all the same.
I caught sight of something in my path–probably–at just the wrong moment, when my spin put the object behind my back. I was weightless. I tried twirling my arms to change my orientation, and failed. Flying didn’t work either. As I twisted my head over my shoulder, I caught glimpses of a plastic door frame.
If I had been bleeding, I’d probably have died before I made it. It was something to keep in mind. The door grew larger and larger in my peripheral vision.
My destination door was rounded at the corners. It looked familiar. My back touched it and it sprung open, depositing me onto the grass right next to Nitori’s backpack. The outhouse door slammed shut behind me.
“Well… fuck,” I said. The kappa and the librarian appeared over the cliff’s edge a moment later.
“Huh?” said the kappa.
What are you doing here?
“Did a refined orange lady in a wheelchair ask you to set this up?” I asked Nitori.
“The sign and the shitter?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“She did,” said Nitori with a nod. “How’d ya know?”
“A hunch,” I said, getting to my feet. “It would be convenient, in other circumstances. Don’t let me delay you–saving Patchouli is the most important thing right now!”
The kappa nodded. Patchouli was already sprawled out on the grass. The intimidating mage seemed fragile and thin, then… I wondered how much of it was her letting down her guard, and how much of it was literal distortion from her being a youkai. As Nitori started digging through her pack the librarian sat up. She was red cheeked and breathless as she pulled up her dress, so that Nitori could inject her thigh. I politely turned away.
“After I get her squared away, I’ll find ya a stick for a crutch,” said Nitori, who was shaking a needle. I nodded.
–
A few hours later I was back at my dorm and completely beat. It was barely four in the afternoon. I went into our empty living room and resolved to buy a couch as soon as I could. I’d hobble-flown all the way back.
And the two youkai wanted me to talk to Doctor Yagokoro about my leg, so my day wasn’t even over.
“Anybody home?” I called out. Sasha called back from upstairs. I decided it was fine to sit on the floor. A few moments later she came down to meet me.
“What happened to you?” asked my roommate. “Is your leg broken?”
“My ankle, yeah. I fell down a hole. While carrying a turtle youkai, no less.”
“Great job, Mario!”
I chuckled. “Where are the others?”
“Probably still working. I ran into Arnold earlier today. He wants us to get a bench from the furniture guy in town.” She bent over to look at my leg. “I guess you can’t help us carry it back.”
“So sad,” I said, lying on the wooden floor.
“Do you want to go up to your bed?” She seemed to be offering me some assistance with the stairs. I waved her off.
“Nah. It’s a comfy floor.” It wasn’t, but I doubted I could ascend another inch. The walk back had been entirely uphill.
“I’ll grab your pillow for you.”
“That is considerate and I appreciate it.”
“Dumbass.”
I dozed on the floor. Some time later Wiki returned. He still had two girls in tow.
“Hey!” he said as he entered. The girls were right behind him. They seemed to be college age, or maybe as young as seniors in high school. I didn’t bother asking Wiki why he was hanging around with high school girls when he already had a girlfriend.
“Hey,” I said.
“What are you doing on the floor?” asked Wiki.
“Waiting for furniture to manifest. What’s up?”
“You’ll never guess who I found!” he said, stepping aside so I could see them better.
One was wearing a black fedora with a white bow, and a plain button up shirt, which I thought were interesting choices for a young Japanese woman. She had medium-length brown hair and an expression of slightly worried fear. In fact, she was afraid, and it tasted like Twizzlers candy. It did not bode well for her.
The other had a white hat on, like a nightcap–a zun hat–and long-sleeved lilac dress. She had long blonde hair and blue eyes. Her pleasant smile told me that she wasn’t afraid of bizarre circumstances. Both girls looked down at me, where I was lying in the corner, not like I was strange and weird for lying on the floor, but like I was the least strange and weird thing they’d seen all day. They were in the land of fantasy, and they’d been talking to Wiki.
“You’re right,” I said. “I’d never guess. Who are they?”
“Maribel and Renko, of course!”