Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

At some point the nail in the purple crystal veered away from the track and I had to walk over the flowery meadow. I took care not to step on any flowers, in case any youkai were watching. Defying Yuuka for its own sake would be reckless at best. As I got further and further from the road the flowers increasingly gave way to dead grasses. It made me wonder about seed dispersal, water, and natural life cycles.

If I could fly properly I wouldn’t have had to think so much.

Patchouli and Nazrin maintained contact throughout. We were talking about youkai that could make copies of themselves. As I went along I saw something unexpected.

“What’s that?” I asked about a strange, tall box that was standing in the middle of the field.

We’re not at a good viewing angle, said Patchouli over the telepathic link. I stepped aside to improve the purple crystal’s line of sight. Whatever it is, it’s new. You are very near the Fantastic Blowhole. Approach with caution.

As I got nearer the shape became more and more distinct. The grass here was healthy and green, I subconsciously noticed.

“It’s… a porta-potty.”

What is that?

“A mobile toilet. I swear that if the Fantastic Blowhole is a literal toilet, I’ll…” I didn’t know what I’d do. I’d journeyed out to the meadow with the intent on having a heroic adventure, but I hadn’t planned on becoming Super Mario.

I assure you that it is not a toilet, and that there are no potty ports near the Fantastic Blowhole.

“Well, we’re looking at one right now.” Out of the corner of my eye I noticed there was somebody lying in the grass. I cautiously approached; it might be a youkai. As I walked around the box to get a better look I lost my balance on the edge of a sheer cliff.

I almost fell in the Fantastic Blowhole, which was an open pit that was fifty feet across. In my defense, its edge was hidden in the grass and hard to spot, and also I was looking at a person for once instead of at my feet.

Your observational skills continue to be inadequate.

“I think someone’s on the ground by the toilet,” I said, ignoring the slight. “Did you see them?” I didn’t ignore it perfectly.

No. Move closer.

I approached. It was a short youkai in a blue dress, with thick boots and a huge backpack: the kappa Kawashiro Nitori. She was on her back. I called out to her and she didn’t move.

Her bag had spilled all kinds of tools onto the grass nearby; a hammer, a chisel, a screw-driver set, and a wooden sign.

—

Her dish is probably emptied.

Patchouli reminded me that kappa have a magical dish on their heads, and that they’d become completely paralyzed when it was drained of water. It was a well-known youkai fact, apparently, because Wiki had told me it, and I think even Reika had mentioned it in passing.

“There’s one problem with that,” I said. “I’m looking at her head, and there’s no dish.” Nitori was still wearing her blue twintails, but her hat was nowhere to be seen.

That’s impossible.

“Look for yourself!”

I stepped around Nitori, until the crystal had a good vantage point of her blue hair. I kicked over the sign: it said Don’t go in the hole! and had a pictogram of a person squatting that was crossed out.

Concerning, came Patchouli’s voice.

“What should I do?”

Check her breathing.

I put a hand in front of the small kappa’s mouth. I could feel the cool movement of air. “She’s breathing.” Her breath smelled like dead fish.

Check her pulse.

I took the youkai’s wrist and felt for a pulse. I could infer that kappa had hearts, and that Nitori was still alive, or at least her heart was still beating. “I think there’s a pulse.” Or maybe I was feeling my own racing heart.

Turn her on her side.

“Why?” Even as I asked, I tried to shift her, but her backpack weighed a ton. More tools spilled out.

I don’t know, I read it in a book once. He’s–

The communication cut out for a moment. I stared down at Nitori. She didn’t look like she was asleep, she looked like she’d been ragdolled. Her eyes were slightly open and rolled back.

We need to fill her dish, if that’s what’s happened, and even if we can’t find it. Slap her to make sure she’s not just sleeping.

I opted to shake the kappa instead, but she didn’t wake up.

I was afraid of that. You absolutely need to get her to water. A day, perhaps, but we are all weakened.

“What was that?”

I was talking to Nazrin.

“I don’t have any water,” I said as I looked around at the grass. It was somewhat greener this near to the Fantastic Blowhole. “Most of the meadow is dry, but the air here is wet? What gives?” I wished, not for the first time, that I had brought a water bottle.

Nazrin suggests you urinate on her head, but she is mistaken, because kappa need pure natural water. No, his water does not count as natural!

I left them to their conversation. I stood up and paced around. As I did so I gave the Fantastic Blowhole a wide berth. I spotted Nitori’s green hat on the ground nearby and picked it up.

“Where is the nearest water to here? Is it down there?”

Or in the potty port, but I keep telling her it won’t work. You should look, just in case there is clean water there.

“It’s a porta-potty. They usually have this gross gel.” I opened its door and went in to check. It was empty of water or anything else. “No dice,” I said.

There is a river at the bottom of the Fantastic Blowhole. You can take her there and drop her in. She should revive when immersed in the river water, and then she can fly out on her own.

“So you are asking me to jump in the giant pit with a youkai on my back,” I said, looking over the edge and into the darkness.

In your arms, because your wings are on your back.

“Well, at least the wings have a safety mechanism.”

About that…

—

“No,” I said. I was still holding Nitori’s hat, and I absentmindedly put it in a pocket when I noticed I was wringing it.

You will only be falling at slightly less than one and a half times your normal fall speed, if your weight is doubled.

“Conservation of energy says that I’ll hit with twice as much force, and that’s assuming that the wings work like a parachute and not… I don’t know, thrusters.” If they worked like thrusters, I’d be falling at terminal velocity before long, because they weren’t rated to lift more than my own person.

You meant twice as much energy, not force. I know how the wings work, and they are more like a parachute. I told him because it is critical to warn people of potential danger. By the way, Nazrin says you’re being timid, and she’s a mouse.

“Yeah, well. With her backpack Nitori weighs a lot! I’m probably going to hit the ground like a rock!”

Leave her backpack.

I shook my head. Then I looked at the Fantastic Blowhole. The top of the cliff had a layer of dirt and roots, but it became dark gray stone a few feet beneath the surface. The blackness seemed to seep up out of the ground where it was. I could feel a cool breeze. Carefully I stuck my hand over it, and felt the wind.

“Is she really dying?” I asked.

Yes. That is why you must hurry.

“Fine,” I said. I quickly walked over to Nitori.

Her bag was huge and very securely attached. I unbuckled the cross strap and the shoulder straps popped to either side. She wore a key around her neck, I noticed. Her breathing was kind of labored. She’d been working in a blue a-shirt. Nitori was skinny and tiny, but she definitely wasn’t flat.

I tried to remain focused on the task at hand. Nitori’s eyes were still rolled back. She was as limp as an empty sack when I leaned down to pick her up. I lifted the kappa in my arms, trying to prevent her neck from bending unnaturally. Her blue hair was tied to either side with cherry red hair bobbles. The top of her head had pale white skin where it parted, but no dish that I could see. Of course her scalp would be pale; she never took off her hat, not on purpose.

“Hold on a second,” I said. I set Nitori down, pulled the hat out of my pocket, and put it on her head. Nothing happened.

What are you doing?

“I thought, I don’t know, maybe her hat was her dish. I was hoping she’d wake up.”

Clever. It’s unfortunate that it didn’t work.

“Well, I’m taking the hat with me anyway.” I pulled it back off her head and stuck it in my pocket where it couldn’t fall off into an abyss. She’d be glad to have it back; I knew from personal experience. I lifted the kappa again and carried her in my arms.

Kawashiro Nitori was a bit over four feet tall. She weighed less than seventy-five pounds, far less than an adult human, but far more than I thought I could have carried–that is, before my constant labor and struggle in Gensokyo had made me stronger. I was amazed at how light she felt as I cradled her in my arms. Her head came to rest on my shoulder, next to my neck.

I walked to the edge of the hole. I extended my wings wide.

“And you’re certain the built-in safety will slow us down enough?”

Yes. The purple crystal was right behind me. I designed it.

“I want your promise that you will come save me, personally, if this goes wrong.”

Nazrin says no deal.

“I figured as much. And you?”

Why am I obligated to save you?

“Oh come on! You’re telling me to rescue Nitori, aren’t you?”

Yes, well…

“Look, Patchouli, I know you hate going outside, but multiple lives are at stake here!”

My own life hangs in the balance whenever I go outside.

“What?”

I am not as strong as you might think, Jake. I sometimes faint. If I have an asthma attack away from the mansion I may not survive. And, although I am a youkai, I do feel fear about losing consciousness during these dark times, when humans are being murdered in Gensokyo. I have a large concentration of magical power. From a youkai’s perspective, I might look like a tasty grape.

“Oh.” I frowned at the pit. “I guess you are purple.”

On the other hand, Nitori herself is critical for the functioning of the village and the balance of power in Gensokyo. I believe my own safety to be more important… but it’s not certain I’d die if I came to save you, so it’s a difficult thing to decide.

I swallowed. I looked down at the blue-haired youkai I was currently carrying. I could barely feel her breath, but at least I couldn’t really smell it. “Well, shit,” I said. “Is it worth it for me to do the same? I’ve got a pretty important mission to do, don’t I?” Byakuren had warned me not to risk my life frivolously.

Your mission may be irrelevant, or it may be more important than Nitori or perhaps even myself. We do not know.

“That really sucks,” I said. “Because I’ve decided to go down there anyway.”

… good choice. I promise I will come save you, if this goes awry, or I will send someone in my place.

“Thank you,” I said.

I looked down at the hole and my will faltered. It was pitch black at the bottom–no, at the lowest part I could see. The bottom was at least several hundred feet away.

“Are you having me do this because Nitori is important to the functioning of the village, or is it just because you want someone to save her?”

There are many reasons for wanting to save her. Stop delaying.

I shook my head. With a surge of effort, I flew into the air over the hole.

And then I began to descend.

–

I had a long time during my fall to contemplate how fucking stupid I was, which is exactly what I did when I could spare a thought. For example; we could have spent five minutes thinking of alternative solutions, like “call out for Okina and hope she intervenes.” The Absolute Secret God had promised me one free trip away from danger per day, from anywhere: maybe I could have used it on Nitori.

A more immediate problem was that I’d thought I could go jump in a hole uncontested.

When the first sunflower fairy attacked–an enemy known to live in the Fantastic Blowhole–I was caught completely off guard. It hit me with the compulsion to leave its territory, and the only way for me to leave was to fly downward. The wings slowed my fall, but they would stop making me hover with a thought. I could allow myself to fall as fast as I wanted.

The compulsion didn’t take, but I suspected that if it did I would hurry to splatter myself against the floor of the immense cave in no-time.

I shot vectors at the fairy, and tried to evade, but since I was straining the wings already all my evasive maneuvers came with a stomach-churning drop. More fairies appeared, so I took out the ones that were closest. Nitori flopped around in my arms until I threw her over my shoulder. I could only shoot from one hand at a time.

I should have tied the kappa to myself, at least!

Another bullet hit me, and for a moment I fell at full speed as the compulsion forced me to. Stone rushed by at twenty, then thirty miles per hour. The terror only came a moment later when I regained my senses and my fall slowed back to a crawl. Stopping felt like going through the low part of a roller coaster.

I’d left the fairies behind, as well as the purple communication crystal.

Thus began a deadly balancing act. If I went fast, I could zip past the enemies that would compel me to die, but if I went slow, I could avoid the risk of splatting like a bug. I alternated bursts of falling and arresting my motion as the cavern got darker and darker. I gasped for breath; doing anything with flight was an exertion.

Cold, wet air pushed up from below and made it hard to tell exactly how fast I was falling. I saw an outcropping just in time and willed myself to miss it. The purple crystal shot past me.

–careful, you can’t just– I heard as it passed. That was how I learned there was a maximum range of telepathy from the crystal. I should have asked about it, just like I should have better explored the boundaries of my magical wings.

Several fairies popped out of crevices, right beside me.

“Conviction mines!” I shouted, filling the cavern with bundles of danmaku. All of the fairies were caught, buying me a few precious seconds to escape.

–should have called her sooner– I received as I zipped past the crystal again. The cave was getting too dark to see after the bend I’d just passed. I considered asking Okina for an emergency exit right then.

The problem was that I didn’t know how the return power worked–another thing I should have figured out beforehand! I could have tested it at the entrance to the blowhole and maybe sent Nitori right back. Even if it had immediately taken me to the village without a chance to send Nitori in my place, I could have mounted a rescue party for the kappa from there.

Now, if I called for Okina and her magic zipped me away, Nitori would fall to her death. I cursed myself even as I kept firing danmaku shots straight down.

Danmaku glows and casts a dim light. By watching what happened to my own bullets, I could gauge whether there was an obstacle below. Nobody was attacking me for a moment, so I was falling at the default rate.

You’re doing great, came the communication through the crystal.

“It doesn’t feel like it.” Even at default speed the walls were zipping by too fast for comfort.

You are already two-thirds of the way to the bottom. Just keep– more enemies appeared, so I continued at speed.

Instead of escaping I smashed into an outcropping. My foot torqued as I bounced off the wall, bending my ankle too far, and I screamed as I tumbled away.

I was in a spin, but the safety mechanisms were already slowing it. I held onto Nitori tight. If I dropped her, this would all be for naught. I thought I could wait out the tumble, but I changed my mind when one of my wingtips slapped against a rock. The sensation filled my back with electric pain and I screamed again.

My scream became a frustrated roar. The pain was good for one thing. My entire focus was on stopping the tumble. The blood pooled in my head and I almost lost my breakfast as my motion jerked and slowed. It felt like a hand was pushing on my chest to counteract the spin, or on one of my shoulders at a time. That was the magic of the wings.

Finally I was upright and stable, and I blasted away another chittering fairy that had gotten near. My sympathy didn’t exist; I would have destroyed its rock or root or whatever the hell they lived on in this infernal cave.

It felt like I had a raw finger stump sticking out of my back and my ankle screamed whenever I moved my foot, but at least my fall was controlled again.

I heard a ringing thwok as the crystal chasing me bounced off a wall. It shot down past me, a yoyoing effect. I had to focus on not hitting anything else. I heard no communications.

The tunnel widened. It grew from fifty to two hundred feet across, then further. For a moment everything was quiet. I let my pace slow to the default. I could catch my breath. A glint caught my eye.

Far away, on the side of the cavern, I saw glowing yellow eyes watching me, which was odd, because the only thing casting any light around here was my red danmaku. I shook my head and tried not to let myself get distracted. Some youkai had eye lasers, so glowing eyes weren’t that crazy.

I couldn’t tell if there were two or eight eyes, or if I was seeing two rows of shiny brass buttons. Whatever they were, they just watched me float on by. Perhaps it didn’t attack because I was inconsequential, or perhaps because I hadn’t happened to fall into the spider’s web. I was ninety percent sure that the thing over there was a youkai spider. I might even remember her name, once I’d gotten to safety.

I continued to fire danmaku straight down even as I willed myself toward the center of the chasm, far from any wall. Eventually I’d left the eyes behind. Down below I saw my danmaku popping against a solid surface. The cavern floor was rising to meet me. The default speed seemed way too fast all of a sudden.

It wasn’t the default, my mind frantically decided. I was too heavy while carrying Nitori, and my wings were damaged anyway, and I was exhausted from maneuvering, and–!

I had no time for thought. I braced for impact and strained to fly, like a runner desperately leaping over a stream at the end of a race. Nitori’s limp body dragged my shoulder to the side as the wings yanked me up. I slowed down just enough to hit the ground with a sickening crunch.

The pain was overwhelming for a second.

—

I regained my senses after a moment. The purple crystal was floating down to meet me, dark black in faint light whose source I could not see. I was laying on my back.

“Patchouli?” I moaned. No response came.

I patted my body down with my hands, finding some wet spots on my elbows. One of my fingers hurt whenever I moved it, so I used my other hand to continue examining myself. My ribs were in place; I could breathe without issue. My ass hurt. I’d managed to not fall down right on my crotch, so my groin was intact. I ran my tongue over my teeth and all of them were still there.

I sat up.

I felt mostly undamaged, at least until I shifted a leg and my right ankle hurt so much that all I could do was whimper. I had the thought I should call for Okina then, so she could scrape me up and dump me somewhere I could be healed. Except… Nitori was still dying. I looked around.

The light in the tunnel was coming from some sort of structure with magical green torches adorning it. I would think about that later. Next to me was the kappa, lying on her side. I held myself still and saw her shoulder rise and fall with her breath. She’d been on my shoulder; I’d broken her fall.

“Good…” I whispered. I looked at the structure again. It was a bridge, which was good news, because there was running water, but it was also bad news.

I knew that a bridge troll lived under the bridge. Her name was Mizuhashi Parsee, and the last time I’d seen her, she’d been participating in an attack on the village. In fact, I’d beaten her and sent her packing right back to this location. She might even still be mad about it.

I scooted closer to Nitori on my butt, one painful inch at a time.

“Now would be a really good time for some advice,” I said to the crystal. It did not respond.