THE VOICE OF NOTHINGNESS

I couldn't make sense of what was happening. Why did he have a gun in his hand? Why was he pointing it at me? While the warm breeze of the sea lifted my skirts, my grandfather's icy gaze made my insides shiver.

"What are you doing?" I screamed in confusion and fear.

"Didn't you say you wanted to die? I'm speeding up the process!" I was struck with terror, my limbs went numb, and I stood frozen, staring at my grandfather. Hatred poured from every word he spoke, his face contorted with a defiant expression.

"What does that mean? I don't understand anything!"

Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. Everything had become so tangled for me… What kind of person would want to take their last breath by the bullet from their grandfather's hand? Through my sobs, I began to speak in a faint voice.

"Are you going to kill me?" His deep, mocking laugh tore through my ears.

"I've killed my own flesh and blood, who do you think you are?" Time stopped. The second hand on the clock stopped moving. The wind ceased. Flags of rebellion reached the sky. There was no going beyond this; my ears refused to hear, convinced it couldn't be true. I couldn't digest what I was hearing. He spoke in contradictions, mixing everything up.

"I don't understand anything you're saying! What does this have to do with my mother?"

Mentioning my mother seemed to sadden him, his eyes filled with emotion. But even though he appeared so sad, I could still see the darkness in his gaze through his tears.

"Do you really want to know? Fine, then. Before you take your last breath, you'll learn everything that's been going on!" Before continuing, he swallowed hard, as if forcing it down. "Elif was the most valuable thing I had in this life."

He took a deep breath, and mentioning my mother's name seemed to weigh on him.

"After losing my wife, I spent everything I had for her. Whatever she wanted, I gave it to her. In this life, she never lacked anything. But above all, there was Selçuk. Your mother loved your father so much, she wanted to introduce him to me one day. I agreed without question. When they came home, your father asked for permission to pray. When I found out that Selçuk was Muslim, I was disturbed, but I said nothing to Elif. Before long, they married, and day by day, Elif got more involved in Islam. Even though it ate me up inside, I said nothing to her. Then you were born. To be honest, I never wanted you to be born, because your arrival only made them closer to each other. Day by day, my daughter was distancing herself from me. To make matters worse, I lost my biggest business because of your father. Do you remember, Merve? Your father had been after a criminal gang for a long time, but he could never catch the leader. He did everything he could to take them down." I couldn't believe my ears. Just as I widened my eyes in disbelief, he gave me the answer I was dreading. "That man was me!"

The destruction his words created inside me mixed with my tears. Was my grandfather not a doctor who saved lives, but rather a mafia boss who stole them? Despite the devastation inside me, my feet stayed firm on the ground. I couldn't stop the battle raging within me, but he continued to pour out his venom.

"Remember how you came back from that trip to Rize. Whatever happened there, when you returned, those stupid things were with you. I'd known from the beginning this was how Elif would turn out. When I found out she was praying, I was furious, but like always, I said nothing to her. It was time to put an end to all this nonsense. Selçuk was becoming too much, he was the one responsible for everything, and I needed to get rid of him once and for all. I made a plan to get you and your mother out of here. I arranged the Thailand trip as a reward, and you wouldn't be able to blame me for anything. If everything went according to plan, I'd be rid of Selçuk before you came back. I called him the morning after you left and told him to come to me. He agreed. When he came back home, I rigged his car, but after that, nothing went as planned."

The poison of his anger seemed to have permeated his entire body, as his veins turned black with rage. He gripped the gun tighter and swung it towards my face.

"THEN YOU FUCKING MISSED THE PLANE! I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THAT. THAT DAMN GIRL GOT INTO THAT DAMN CAR AND DIED. MY DAUGHTER, THE MOST VALUABLE THING IN MY LIFE, DIED. THAT DAY, MY LIFE ENDED. EVERYTHING ENDED. MY DAUGHTER IS GONE."

It was time for me to die now. I wished he would just pull the trigger already. Was it really for nothing that I had lost my parents? Was it just because of this headscarf, this piece of cloth on my head?

"TELL ME! DOES THIS SOUND CRAZY TO YOU, TOO? IT'S OVER NOW! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TOO! JUST LIKE SELÇUK TOOK MY MOST VALUABLE THING, I'VE ERASED EVERYONE CONNECTED TO HIM. YOU'RE THE LAST ONE."

Who was he talking about? My breaths were erratic, my heart was pounding as if trying to break through my chest. The buzzing in my ears made my head spin, but I forced myself to stay upright. I wouldn't submit to him. Before my last breath, I gathered all my strength and yelled, throwing my headscarf forward.

"IS THIS ALL FOR THIS? WAS IT ALL FOR THIS HEADSCARF?" I couldn't believe the absurdity of everything I was going through. My voice came out weaker than expected.

"YES. IT WAS ALL FOR THIS." As my breath tore through my throat, I struggled to process the horror of the situation.

"WAS IT REALLY FOR THIS PIECE OF CLOTH THAT I LOST MY FAMILY?"

As my consciousness began to fade, I tore off my headscarf, not caring about the damage to my hands as I yanked at it, trying to tear it apart. The pieces flew into the sea, sinking below the surface. Then I threw my robe into the sea. In the midst of my crisis, I pulled at my hair, screaming to the sky. I had no idea how I was still standing. Soon, I would drown with those cloth pieces, but I no longer cared. I just wanted this agony to end.

The hatred in his eyes was clearly visible among the tears. I closed my eyes, preparing myself for death when I suddenly heard my grandfather's pained scream. I opened my eyes, shocked, to see my grandfather collapsed on the floor and Emre standing over him, holding a wooden stick. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Everything had shifted in an instant, and I hadn't even realized when Emre had come to save me. Everything happened so fast, and when I couldn't hold on any longer, I collapsed. Emre rushed to my side and picked me up in his arms, as my sobs continued. He quickly placed me in the car. I didn't know what to think anymore. Living felt like a punishment, and I couldn't go on like this. I was certain that Emre had been following me. Otherwise, there was no way he would have been there by chance. My anger towards him increased for saving me.

"Merve, are you okay?"

He was waiting for me to respond. I was so angry at myself, wondering why I was still alive. I hated it now. I hated the headscarf, the stupid clothes… I hated living.

"Look, Merve… Look at me… Please, react…"

I hadn't even realized the car had stopped. When did Emre get out and come to my side? He shook me lightly, trying to get me to respond, but it was in vain. No matter what he did, I didn't want to talk. How could I, anyway? What could I say? He started wiping my tears with his fingers and then gently lifted me into his arms. Despite myself, I let him. I let him hold me, even though I knew it was wrong. As he held me, my sobs turned into hysterical cries. My body trembled uncontrollably. I parted my lips to speak.

"Why did you save me, I don't deserve to live…"

I couldn't continue. Emre must have understood and immediately stopped me.

"Shh… it's okay. Everyone deserves to live, no one has the right to decide that. I don't know what you're going through, but it'll pass."

He carried me back into the house, and because he was much stronger than I, I felt tiny in his arms. He gently laid me down on the bed as if he didn't want to hurt me. He kissed my forehead and tucked me in. As I lay there, all the emotions surged back through me, and I curled up, letting my tears flow freely once again.

"Merve!"

I woke up to Emre's voice. My head was throbbing. I was thinking, how much worse could life get? Apparently, it could. I had lost my family, and for such a ridiculous reason. It seemed like life was mocking me. Now, I was in a place I shouldn't be, with someone I shouldn't be with. What had the world ever given me that I should conform to its desires? The door opened, and Emre came in, sat on the bed, and reached out to touch my face. I pulled away just as he was about to touch me; just because he helped me didn't mean I forgave him.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you…" he started, but I interrupted him.

"Look, Emre, whatever you thought, keep it to yourself. Thanks for your help, but I can't give you more than that, so it's better if you don't get too familiar. I haven't forgiven you."

After saying all of that, I stood up. He grabbed my arm gently. He seemed calm, clearly not wanting to hurt me. Whatever, I wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone.

"What is it? What do you want?" I gave him a tired look. I couldn't help but think, if this was a while ago, I would've been so excited to stay in this house. But now, everything seemed like a conspiracy against me. It was obvious that the world was sent to make me suffer.

"Where are you going?" He was overstepping, and his attitude was really getting on my nerves.

"I don't understand?" I yanked my arm away from him, my eyes showing I wasn't about to give in.

"I mean, it might be better if you don't go outside. After all, we don't know what happened to your grandfather." He must have realized I was annoyed, so he started explaining.

"Emre, do you think I care? What happens to him doesn't concern me, let him die. If you're worried he'll hurt you, I'm not scared of that, and to be honest, I don't really care if he's alive or not. And if he's fine, rest assured, I'll make sure he won't be."

I grabbed my bag and left the room. As I walked down the stairs, I looked at the familiar walls of the house. The happy family portraits were driving me crazy. If they deserved that, why didn't I? Was all this pain really meant for me? When I opened the door, I bumped into someone but didn't care to see who it was and walked past. Emre didn't follow me.

I picked up my phone and checked the news, and just as I expected, there it was. They had found him early in the morning, he had lost a lot of blood, and was in surgery, blah blah… Intensive care. How badly I wanted to hear the news of his death. Again, I got lost in my thoughts, realizing I had missed something more important. Was it really right to go back home? I hailed a cab and told the driver the address of my home, but as I settled in, exhausted from everything, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. But then, a thought made me open them again.

"I changed my mind! We're going to a different address."

Suddenly, I had given him Furkan's address. Just before arriving, I turned to the driver.

"Can you pull over to the right? I'll get out here."

"Sure, of course."

I paid the driver and got out. No matter what I did, I couldn't get him out of my mind. Just when I thought everything was over, why did he have to be involved in my life? I wondered if I would see him if I stopped by under the pretense of seeing Aunt Zehra. I was also curious about how Rümeysa's matter was going. When I got close to the house, I was out of breath, but it wasn't because of exhaustion. My heart was racing with every step, faster than before, as if defying all the evil I had experienced. I was staring at the retaining wall across Furkan's house. I wondered, what would happen if I went in? What if Rümeysa had spoken to him? If that was the case, it was over before it even began for me. Just as I was about to turn around, I froze at the sound of a car locking. It was Furkan's car. Without looking back, I could tell someone was walking towards me by the sound of their footsteps. As the footsteps grew closer, my heart beat faster than it ever had.

"Furkan, my son." I let out a deep breath. Hearing his mother call him, he must have turned around because the footsteps began to fade away.

"Yes, mom?" That voice. His voice. It was the most effective therapy, more soothing than anything in the world, it made you feel like you were in heaven, giving you an incredible sense of peace. I had to pull myself together. He could notice me any second.

"Son, I wanted to tell you something… Rümeysa!"

I had heard that girl's name again. I pressed my hand against my chest, feeling the weight of it. I was beginning to understand that happiness was forbidden to me.

"Mom, I'm late, I'll talk to you when I get back." he said, got in his car, and left. He passed by me without even looking at who I was, and I just stood there, watching the car drive away. Furkan was beyond impossible for me. He was the only real thing in this short life that made me feel alive. Holding my bag, I set off again. What else would this absurd life throw at me?