Synth

TO felt sick to their stomach as they told DH what happened. Of course, DH already knew the general flow of events and the essential facts.

First: TO had gone to look for Lake in the storage room. Kei had been there, and attacked TO.

Second: TO got free, and fought back as much as they could despite their injuries.

Third: Mark showed up, and Kei shot them, thinking it was DH. Mark fell and passed out.

Fourth: TO got the gun from Kei, and stayed conscious long enough for them to run off, then passed out.

In reality, those were all the facts. Anything else would be considered useless information. Well, useless or not, it had been the extras that had been haunting TO. They had a chance to check on Mark, and instead they just shouted to the unconscious man to stop Kei. Sometimes, they had dreams about that night: horrible nightmares filled with blood. Sometimes, those dreams replayed in their head not as flashbacks but as dramatic daydreams where things had gone differently. They didn’t tell DH this, but despite the fact that their stomach still churned when they thought of their claws ripping through Kei’s skin, they still wanted to do more in that moment, and did do more in their very detailed daydreams.

Sometimes, they only stopped when they felt they might vomit.

DH held TO close as they told the story, a wing constantly around TO’s shoulder and a hand at the back of their neck. They said nothing until TO had finished and described everything up until the point where they fell unconscious.

“…Why didn’t you tell me this before?” DH asked once TO was done. They never moved their hands from TO, never stopped the constant scratching of TO’s neck, nor their soft embrace. Still, their grip had stiffened from time to time, had tightened.

TO wanted to look up and see what DH’s ears were doing, but they couldn’t bring themself to do so. Would they see that awful expression of disgust on DH’s ears now, or would they see sympathy? they didn’t know if they could handle disgust from DH. “I… I was worried.” They said, “I.. I couldn’t tell you-“

“I could never hate you.” DH said, their grip tightening. “We’ve talked about this at length. You could never hate me, no matter what. I could never hate you.”

“I know that,” TO mumbled. “… I think I just didn’t want to think about it.” They said “And…” they trailed off, unsure how to describe how they felt about this. They knew how awful they themself felt about what happened, so they could only imagine how someone else, who wasn’t in TO’s head at the time, might feel about it.

“And…?”

“…And I felt awful about it.” TO finally said. “I didn’t want to talk about it to anyone.” They sighed, “But… GiDi was right. What happened to Mark, that Constance lost her parent... It is my fault.”

“I.. Look. I don’t blame you for Mark’s death.” DH said, “I blame Kei for Mark’s death. Kei shot them and was intent on killing more people. Kei is squarely to blame for that, so I don’t want you blaming yourself for his death for a second more.”

To felt their ears flick down, their stomach churning as they held onto DH. “But he’s dead because of-“

“Because of Kei.” DH said in a tone that didn’t allow any argument. “Even if you could have helped Mark before you passed out, I don’t think you could have saved him.” DH looked aside, turning away from TO ever so slightly. “I didn’t do a full examination since we were pretty rushed, but that bullet went through a few internal organs. Even if you had managed to stop the bleeding on the outside, you couldn’t have stopped it on the inside. Given how sick and weak he was...” They trailed off and shook their head, falling silent for a moment before they continued,. “No, you couldn’t have saved him. Mark’s death is not on you.” They closed their eye, their ears low as their wings tightened around their shoulders.

“... What else do you want to say, though?” TO asked. They could hear the unspoken words that DH held in their mind as though it was a klaxon of its own.

“... If someone had told me you did that, I’d say they were lying.” They said, “If I think of you in that situation, I picture it happening in my head. I see you instantly running to Mark. I see you doing everything you can to save him. Your fear of blood, your exhaustion, your injuries... I don’t know if you could have even gotten to him before you passed out, but I know - I knew- that you’d do everything you could to help.” They held on a little tighter, as though they were worried TO might get up and run off. “But... you didn’t. You were so focused on killing Kei that checking on Mark didn’t even come to mind, not until much later. That’s not who you are... or at least, who I thought you were.”

TO knew they had messed up. They knew that they should have run to Mark to help them, but DH putting it like that, as though they had ignored Mark out of Bloodlust was too much. “It wasn’t about Killing Kei!” TO insisted.

“Wasn’t it?” DH said.

“Kei said they were going to kill you!” TO said, “They said they were going to kill you, and GiDi and... and I couldn’t let them.” As they finished speaking and felt DH stiffen in response to their words, TO finally looked up at their mate. DH was staring off at some unseen spot on the opposite wall with their ears pinned back. For the longest time, they said nothing and in the silence that followed and TO realized that the constant typing that normally came from Vik’s workstation was oddly absent. Perhaps DH had asked Vik to scamper off for a bit so they could have privacy. Maybe Vik had left for some unrelated reason, and DH took this moment to talk to TO. It didn’t matter in the end, but the absence of the constant click-click-clack made the silence all the more unnerving.

“I couldn’t let them hurt you.” TO finally said, desperate to break the silence. DH’s ears continued to twitch, signaling a serious thoughtfulness even as they stayed pinned back and their eyes narrowed slightly. After a few minutes where the only thing they could hear was the hum of DH’s heart, the steady rhythm of their breath, and the sound of the ship’s machinery all around them, TO finally said, “Please, say something.”

“... I love you.” DH said. They pulled TO close, holding them in a soft embrace, resting their head on TO’s shoulder so that they could no longer see how DH’s ears were moving. “I will always love you. But this changes who I thought you were.”

TO’s stomach dropped, and they held tightly to DH, “And... who I am... isn’t who you loved?”

The moment the words came from their mouth, DH made a sound somewhere between a snort and a tsk, and went back to scratching the back of TO’s neck.

“No.” They said. “I’ve told you before that I love you and I will always love you.” They said firmly. “I still love you now!” DH gave a heavy sigh. “I’d not say anything of this if I thought you wouldn’t know. If I thought I could hide how I feel about this...”

“Just be honest.” TO said, wrapping their arms around DH as they hid their face in DH’s shoulder, “Just tell me the truth.”

“... Like I said, this changes my view of you... and I just need some time to reconcile that.”

What did that even mean, that DH needed time to reconcile that? Did it mean that they didn’t want to be a couple anymore? The horrifying idea that DH might decide that while they loved TO, they didn’t want to be their mate anymore seeped into their head.

“... That sounds ominous.” DH said as though they had been reading TO’s mind. “All I mean is that this is going to be on my mind for a bit.” They pulled away slightly so they could lift TO’s chin, and kissed them on the lips. They shifted their hand on TO’s neck shifted to the side of their face, their thumb gently stroking the lower edge of TO’s ear and making them shiver. “I love you. I still love you. I’ll always love you. Understand that?”

“I do.” TO said slowly.

DH kissed them again, and pulled them into an embrace once more. TO held them close, taking in how they felt, the heat of their body, their very scent.

DH would always love them. They believed that. But they loved DH even before they had any romantic feelings for them. What if this changed how DH felt about them? What if, after thinking about it, they realized they couldn’t be mates anymore?

They closed their eyes, letting their tears absorb into DH’s shirt. Maybe DH would decide that, and if so, they’d just enjoy what they had for now. If DH couldn’t be TO’s mate after knowing what they were really like, then TO would accept that, and still love DH as a friend, and as their family.

In truth, a part of them felt that would be what they deserved.