Synth

Despite DH’s promise of loving them forever, the idea that they might not desire them romantically was now playing in TO’s mind. DH already said that what TO told them about Marks’ death had changed how TO seemed in their eyes, so couldn’t that also lead their feelings to change?

Still, even if it did, TO felt in part that they’d deserve it. There was nothing they could do about that now: what was done was done, and they had made their decision to tell DH about what had been weighing on them.

Once TO had calmed down after their talk with DH, DH went back to the computer and continued their own work. Nothing was different between the two, but somehow it seemed far more silent than before. True, DH never spoke to them when they were working, but now it seemed different. Maybe TO was just imagining it and they tried to tell themself that, but it was no use. The only way they would know for certain would be when DH went to sleep. IF they curled up next to TO as normal, then for now things were alright.

They waited, their stomach twisting in anxiety all day until the Arkanian clock switched to nighttime and the main lights faded. The elevator opened and closed on its normal schedule, allowing people to shower. But now people were coming down and slipping past the blanket that separated the main traffic area from their small living area. The first ones to arrive were Flit and Snout, who slipped under the sheet arm in arm.

“Evening.” Flit said, their voice artificially light as they eyed TO, “How are you doing?”

TO frowned, their ears flicking back. As TO searched their memory of so many conversations they had with Flit, they could not recall a single moment when the older synth had opened up any conversation with small talk. In fact, they seemed to have next to no patience for it.

“I am fine?” TO said, watching them, “Why?”

“Just asking.” Flit said quickly.

“Very subtle.” Snout said as they rolled their eyes, “I don’t know what I expected, though.”

“What, I can’t ask them how they’re doing once in a while?!” Flit said, their wings rising, but their ears warming slightly from Snout’s comment, “Technically, they are my progeny!”

“Blood doesn’t mean much in terms of Chilacian families.” TO said, a slight grin coming to their face as they suppressed a chuckle, “You know that.”

Flit huffed, “Very well.” They said, “Regardless... I believe we’re still part of a pod.” They grumbled. “I can ask my family how they are doing.”

That was hard to debate. Though, TO wondered how this worked in Chilacian families proper. How did you know when someone was actually part of your pod? did it require some kind of acknowledgement from the Ankrya? They hadn’t read that yet, and honestly, they hadn’t been able to finish reading the document that Snout send them.

Could a pod exist without an Ankyra? what if that Ankyra was lost in a coma, like Avery was? what happened then?

“TO?” This time Snout spoke, their ears flicking back in concern, “What happened earlier...”

Snout’s voice pulled TO from their thoughts, and they realized that their ears were rather low, their wings tightening against their arms. “S-Sorry.” They said, “I was worried about Avery.”

Flit sighed and walked over to them, gingerly sitting down on the collection of mats and pillows that formed what was essentially a large nest where the lot of them slept. “Look.” They said, “About what happened earlier-“

“I’m fine.” TO said, “I-“

“Stop.” Flit said, their eyes narrowing as their ears pinned back. At that moment, they seemed very much like they used to back in training: The retiree who taught them essential skills. “Look. Just listen,” they said. They eyed TO for a moment and when they didn’t respond, Flit continued, “You are not ok. You shouldn’t be ok. Nobody on this ship is ok right now, myself included.” They said, “We’ve all been though a lot, and we’ve been working so hard that we’ve not had a second to actually think about things!” they glared at TO, “So, don’t you dare lie to me and tell me that you’re ‘fine’!”

TO looked down, a wave of shame hitting them as the memory of how angry Flit had been that time they lied in the simulation floated to the surface of their mind. How long had they spent after that running simulations independently, which just required pure, thoughtless obedience? Their wings tightened around them again as the blood drained from their face. “Sorry. I’m sorry.” They said, the words rushing from their mouth, their ears flicking down, “I won’t lie. I didn’t mean to, I just-“

Snout sighed and sat next to Flit. “Flit, you’re not helping.” They said as they reached out and gently squeezed Flit’s shoulder. “And TO.” they looked past Flit, taking in TO’s low ears and wide eyes. The older synth sighed and shook their head. “You did your best. You always do your best.”

“I could have done better.” TO muttered as they looked away. “That’s twice I messed up. This time, I shouted at GiDi, and I couldn’t even think up a half-decent idea to get us out of trouble!” they pulled their good knee to their chest, their wings tightening on their arms, “Last time I messed up, someone died. Next time, I might kill everyone.”

“Or,“ Snout said as their ears went parallel to the ground, “Someone will be there to help, like GiDi was today.” Their ears flicked back. “You don’t have to be the one to fix everything.”

“Nobody can fix everything.” As DH spoke, TO snapped their gaze towards them. TO thought that DH had still been working, and didn’t expect them to have overheard anything.

“That’s right.” Flit said, recovering from Snout’s earlier comment, “Nobody can do everything. That’s why we have armies, why we work in teams.” They sat up, seeming to slip once more into that Retiree demeanor. “Even the most productive synth can’t do everything on their own; we form teams to cover one another’s weaknesses.”

TO’s ears flicked back. Weakness. That’s what it was, wasn’t it? Somehow, their skill in this had turned into a weakness, and they were only causing problems for other people. But what had happened? They used to be the one with the plans: the problem solver. They used to be able to protect their family.

How did it change?

“The only thing that matters is doing your best.” DH said. They spoke normally, but even so TO winced. Of everyone there, DH was the only one who knew what had happened back on Arkane, and their words resonated with TO differently. They had done their best back on Arkane, hadn’t they?

Well, up until Mark got shot, anyway. Everything else they had thought about and weighed the options. In that moment, though....

The elevator opened up and Tham slid out, looking exhausted. “One of the kids upstairs has a cold.” They grumbled as they looked to TO, “Should we quarantine? Normally I’d ask Pearla, but I haven’t seen her in hours.”

TO looked up at Tham, the question taking them off guard and pulling them from the Labyrinth of thoughts they wandered through. They heard Tham’s words, and understood that he was asking them for their thoughts, but even so they couldn’t bring themself to work though what he was saying.

“A cold?” DH asked, “You sure?”

“I think so,” Tham said as they turned in confusion to look at DH. “A flu comes with a fever, right? I’m pretty sure that none of them have a fever.”

“I’ll look into it before I sleep,” DH said as they pushed themself away from their desk and grabbed their med kit. “Though, I wouldn’t be surprised: civilian children are walking bio-hazards. They don’t even get a full round of inoculations.”

“You realize that we don’t need a full round, right?” Tham said as DH slipped into the elevator. “Why does a normal civilian kid need to have shots for diseases they have on the other side of the galaxy?”

DH didn’t respond, and the elevator door closed quickly behind them. Tham huffed and turned to look at TO. “What’s got them upset?”

TO shrugged and looked away, leaving Tham to wonder what was going on.

======

As the night grew later, Flit and Snout curled up on the other side of the pillow nest. It was surprising the first time TO saw that and noticed Snout gently embracing Flit from behind and covering them with their wings. Somehow, they imagined that Flit would be the one holding Snout. Despite everything, it softened them to see that. As the two fell asleep, they noted that Snout chirped loudly in their sleep, much like DH did. Was that genetic or coincidence? How long had they been able to sleep in each other’s embrace? Did they do that in training like DH and TO had? The two had spent a long time apart between the incident in training and when they reconnected, and TO knew that they had to be careful in the training center. Had they only been able to be in each other’s embrace so freely since Flit came to Arkane?

The thought made the image of them now oddly bittersweet.

It was hours after that when DH came back, looking exhausted as they tossed the med kit under their desk and flopped into the pillows next to TO.

“... DH?” TO reached a hand out, uncertain if they should touch DH or not. What if their mate pulled away from them? Still, with DH looking so drained, they had to do something. The moment they squeezed DH’s arm, they turned over and curled into TO’s chest. Immediatly, TO wrapped their arms around them, followed by their wings.

“Was it rough up there?” They asked. DH gave a groan in response, and at first TO thought that they would simply fall asleep right there. A few minutes later, though, they spoke.

“No fevers.” They said, “But it’s a nasty cold, and several of the kids have it.” They said, “It’s going to be an awful time for a bit.”

“Anything you can do?” They asked, “Masks, or quarantine?”

“Ideally, both.” DH grumbled, “But in these small quarters, unless we can get everyone to eat separately, there’s no point. We also don’t have a place big enough to quarantine everyone.” They groaned and nuzzled into TO, “I hoped we’d have more time before this, but we knew it was going to happen. This ship isn’t made for so many people, and unless everyone was perfectly cleared of any virus of bacteria, we were going to have some kind of outbreak.” They gave a long, heavy sign. “I only hope it doesn’t turn into anything worse.”

TO held onto them, scratching at their neck. “I’m sorry.” They said, but they couldn’t help their ears flicking up happily. “I hope it won’t be too bad.”

“It’s going to be an awful few days.” DH said. “... But again, we expected it.”

TO rested their chin on DH’s head. Yes, it was awful news, but TO was just so happy that DH came to rest with them when they had expected DH would keep their distance.

They were on the brink of sleep when they realized that GiDi and Pearla hadn’t arrived yet. It was far too late, and TO knew that GiDi had to be asleep somewhere. Where had GiDi gone? They had planned to apologize to their small friend when they came back, but it seemed that they were keeping their distance.

When sleep pulled them under, the realization that GiDi was keeping away from them seeped into their dreams, twisting them.