Synth

TO understood that, compared to how things used to be, they now had a wide and accepting social circle. They had GiDi, Avery, and DH as they had back in training, but now they also had Flit and Snout which they could go to at any time for advice. They also had civilian friends which was especially surprising to TO. None of this was anything that they took for granted, of course. The memories of those first thirty days in training hadn’t faded that much from their mind. They had always been ‘strange’ and had always felt like they were an outside when compared to the rest of the synths but in those first thirty days they had also been alone. The coincidences that led to them talking to DH for the first time had changed their life, and let them meet GiDi and Avery.

The loneliness of those first thirty days had been awful, and somehow the rejection from everyone when TO tried to connect on some level was worse. Had it not been for DH they didn’t know if they’d ever had met someone or if they would have made it thought their training. How long would they have suffered before deciding it wasn’t worth it, before their performance started slipping from depression and their value was suddenly outweighed by their strangeness?

Friendship was important to TO, and they’d never forget how hard it had been to cultivate. Each one in their life was like a shooting star where they looked up at the sky at just the right time and saw it’s blazing brightness streak across the darkness. It was a combination of chance and effort. Even with Pearla, Lendulin, and Petra, though the reasons for pursing friendship had been false, their meeting and connection had been accidental and authentic.

So, having someone ask them specifically to be friends with a person was a daunting proposition, and threw TO back to training, back to that look that said so clearly ‘you don’t belong.’

“Tham doesnt’ want me as a friend.” TO said quickly. “I mean, he likes me well enough… I think.” They frowned, ears twitching in concentration, “He respects me, perhaps. They’re grateful for the work I do.”

“My brother has been very friendly to you in the past!” Pearla said. “And he always talks highly of you-“

“My old overseer spoke highly of me.” TO said, “That didn’t mean they wanted to be my friend.” their ears went parallel to the ground, “And the times he’s been friendly with me could be counted on a single hand. It would have to be a single hand, since the other hand had a bottle of that fermented drink in it!”

Pearla cleared her throat and looked aside, “Well, wine is a truth serum, no?”

“… No? It’s wine.” TO said, “It’s Alcohol anyway, which impacts a person’s mental state. Well, most people anyway. For synths, it doesn’t do much.”

“I heard you got plenty plastered at the CottageCore Pub!” Pearla retorted. “Er, drunk, I mean.” She added once she saw TO’s confused expression.

“That wasn’t just alcohol.” TO explained, “That was alcohol with some kind of psychedelic additive, and that will affect a synths mental state.”

“Never mind.” She said, “What I mean is that most people, when drunk, will just be more themselves, you know?” She said, “If Tham is friendly to you when he’s drunk, then I’m willing to bet he wants to be friendly to you normally!”

“… I admit to not having a lot of experience with this.” TO said, “But I’ve seen many shows where characters get drunk and do things they entirely regret the next day. I’ve also seen news reports where people do awful, awful things under the influence. Things that they’d normally never do!”

“Well, of course.” She said, “I mean, a person’s impulses aren’t always going to be good, you know? They’re going to say things they wouldn’t otherwise, things that might be problematic, or things that might cause problems for them. That doesn’t mean it’s not what their impulse was at the time, and it doesn’t mean it wasn’t true.” She gave TO a hard stare, “And, if that’s how we’re looking at this, then I think there’s something about this that you haven’t realized yet.”

“Oh, and what’s that?”

“It’s this: Under the affects of alcohol, Tham saw you, and wanted to be friendly towards you, rather than shout at you for being a synth, or even punch you.” She sighed, “He has just outright punched people before when he’s been drunk, you know. He didn’t do that with you. He went up to you, put his arm around you, and started raving about how awesome you were.”

A flush rose up to TO’s ears, but they didn’t say anything. Pearla was right about that, of course.

“Even if that’s the case.” TO said after a moment, “If that’s not what he’s like when he’s sober, then how would I be friends with him?” TO said.

“I… I don’t know?” Pearla said.

“So, you want to keep him drunk then?”

“… Honestly, if I could at this point I would.” She said, “He’s been… Not great since Noss came here. Before we took off there was so much work to do, so he kept busy and got drunk in the evening off his personal stash. But, now there’s less to do.” She sighed, “He’s talking to the kids a lot, entertaining them, but he can’t do that all the time.” She glanced at TO’s large chair next to the unused computer console, “I’m just glad I convinced him to sleep down here. I wouldn’t want him alone all night long. He’s worse at night. There’s less to do and he ran out of alcohol, and….” She shook her head as she looked down at her hands, “And… I’m worried about him. He needs a friend.”

“He has you?” TO offered.

“He does, but that’s not the same.” She said. “And he needs more than me.”

“He has Vik as well.”

Pearla sighed, “If you don’t want to do it, That’s fine.” She said.

"That's not what I mean!" TO said, their ears suddenly flicking down, "I just doubt he'll have an interest in being friendly with me!" they remembered how Pearla had helped them in the underground, how she went around the dorms with them so that the other civilians might be warmer with TO. The remembered how angry she had gotten at her brother when she learned about the fail safe. Those things alone were enough to convince them to do what Pearla wanted them to do. "It has nothing to do with what I want to do or not... I'm just concerned about how effective I'll be." They leaned forward, idly rubbing the area over their knee. "I worry I may just end up irritating him."

"... I think that’d be an improvement" Pearla said. Her voice was only a whisper then, but TO heard her words clearly and looked up at her in surprise.

"You want me to irritate him?"

She signed again and shook her head, "Ideally, no." She said, "But even if you did, that would be better than how he's been acting." She paused a moment as she looked at Constance, as though checking to see if she was still asleep. After a moment she seemed satisfied that the girl was, and continued. “He’s just been emotionally dead. He was better earlier, but then his stash run out.” She sighed and rolled her eyes, “I mean, His stash of alcohol. I didn't know he had his own stash. Most of what he had packed in his bag was bottles of alcohol wrapped up in his clothes." her tail slapped against the floor, but TO could see the muscles clench at the last moment to keep her tail from hitting the floor as hard as it normally would have. "I don't even know where he got it, and I thought I'd be happier once he ran out, but now it’s just like there’s nothing there.

"Has he talked to you about Jason?" TO asked as their ears flicked back in slight concern. They didn't think there was anything wrong talking about that but they didn't feel comfortable bringing up something that was clearly painful for Tham. Still, it was hard to imagine that Pearla wouldn't have known how close Tham was to Jason and his family.

Their question seemed to surprise Pearla, "Of course." She said, "He... told you about all that?" She asked.

"Yes." TO said, "When Pholi came here first, he told us about what happened to Jason, and... Tham didn't take it well. I went to check on him afterwards and he told me all about it."

Pearla smiled, "Well... and here you are thinking he wouldn't want to be friendly with you. If he told you all that, then clearly he would!" She lowered her voice, looking over towards DH and Vik, then checking on Constance once more, "I didn't think anyone knew but me. You didn't tell DH, did you?"

"I didn't consider it something important to tell them." TO admitted.

Pearla nodded, "Well... keep it to yourself." She said, "I mean, lots of people suspected, but Tham hasn't told many people. It doesn’t matter now, but it could have caused him problems back when Jason was still around, and now..." She sighed, "I suppose it's hard to talk about now."

"I... guess?" TO frowned as they fought their confusion. If Tham spent as much time around Jason and his family as he said, then wouldn't it have been hard to hide? and why would it be a problem if people knew how close Jason and Tham had been?"

"And between you and me." She said, leaning in and lowering her voice to a whisper, "It's his own fault. I'd never tell him now, obviously, but he was too much of a coward to say anything, and then it was too late."

"Too late for what?" TO asked, now very confused.

"Well, look, I get how worried he was." She said, "But I still think it'd have been better for Tham to tell Jason that he loved him before he met Mel!" She said, "Or at least before they had Helen. At one point he was certain that Jason and Mel would break up, and he promised he'd confess to Jason after that, but they never did and..." She paused, looking over TO's ears for the first time in a few minutes. The color drained from her face, and her eyes widened, "Oh.... shit." She muttered.

"Wait." TO said, their ears flicking as they finally now understood what Pearla was saying, "You mean Tham was in love with Jason!?"