Synth

The blood drained from Pearla’s face as she turned around to see if DH and Vik were still working away at their computers, oblivious. They were. With her eyes wide and her tail twisting on the ground, she turned back to TO. “I thought you said he told you everything!” she said in a frantic whisper.

“I thought he did!” TO whispered back as their ears flicked down with guilt. “I didn’t know…” They paused as they let the new information that Pearla had inadvertently given them swirl in their brain and mix with the other information they already had. Their eyes widened. “Tham was in love with Jason?”

A soft curse which was unknown to TO but which they could grasp the intention of thanks to the tone escaped her lips as she turned and looked at DH and Vik once more. “Just… keep your voice down.” She said. She glanced down at Constance next, but after a moment, seemed satisfied that the child was still asleep. “Yes.” She whispered once more. “But he doesn’t want anyone to know. He didn’t want me to know originally, but he had to talk to someone about it...” She gave TO a deep, penetrating look, “Don’t tell anyone, understood?”

“W-why would I?” TO said, their ears now flicking in confusion. They weren’t sure why it mattered that anyone knew this information; Jason and his family were dead, and it wasn’t as though Tham would suffer any consequences for having feeling for someone, not like a synth would. They could understand if Tham just didn’t want to talk about it, of course. They remembered their conversation with Tham after he learned how Jason had died, and Tham’s reaction to hearing the details of Jason’s death, his rage towards Noss, and his deep, consuming sadness once he was alone now made perfect sense, and even seemed somewhat understated to TO. If DH had just disappeared and then suddenly they learned a year or two years or even a decade afterwards how their mate had died, then TO thought it would make the loss feel as fresh as the day it happened.

Of course, Jason hadn’t been Tham’s mate. Apparently, Tham had just quietly kept his feelings to himself as he remained Jason’s friend. He stood by as Jason fell in love, found a partner, and had a child. True, he had been ‘uncle Tham’ to Helen, but compared to what he wanted, that must have been like being the moon around a planet; orbiting, affecting, sharing light, but never being together.

Oddly poetic, in TO’s mind, that if Tham had confessed afterwards, it would have very much been like a moon colliding into a planet; Either the moon would be destroyed, or the planet… or both. Once Jason had a family, then Tham couldn’t tell him without destroying something, so TO understood why he had kept his feelings to himself afterwards. Still, TO couldn’t comprehend how much that could have hurt. They tried to imagine how they’d feel if DH had fallen for, say, Avery if they had never been able to confess. If that had happened, would DH have begged TO to help them get placed with Avery? Would TO have helped? Could they have been around DH while they and Avery were together as mates?

No. Back when they first met GiDi, it was hard enough to think that maybe DH simply liked GiDi as a friend more than they liked TO themself! They couldn’t begin to comprehend how much it must have hurt to be around Jason and Mel. They felt that Tham had some kind of issue with Mel from how he spoke about her before. Now, they understood why.

“Just don’t tell anyone!” Pearla said, the words snapping from her mouth in a sharp, unquestionable tone. “At all. Don’t act differently around him! Don’t let him know that you know!”

“…But you just asked me to act differently around him.” TO said, momentarily drawn away from the new information they had gained, and the heartbreak that must have accompanied it. “And… Won’t he question why I’m suddenly spending time with him?”

“Maybe? Just… “ She groaned and put her face in her hands. After a moment of silence, she said, “Just… tell him it’s the first chance you’ve had to spend time with him. That’s true, right?” She sighed, “I mean, you could say you’ve been wanting to spend more time with him, anyway! Of course, then he’d ask why. He can’t read your ears like I can yet, but he’s not stupid. He’ll pick up on it, I’m sure.” She sighed and looked up. “Maybe it would be best if you just didn’t bother with it after all.”

“… No.” TO said, their ears flicking down once more as a subtle frown crossed their lips, “No, I’ll spend time with him.”

Pearla’s surprised was obvious, and TO didn’t even need to study her expression to tell. Thanks to that, they didn’t notice another feature; her tail seemed to stiffen and almost shudder when she was surprised. Was this normal? Was a Nagarjin’s tail expressive as a Synth’s ears? They’d pay attention to that later.

“I thought you’d take the out.” She said. “I mean, I really don’t want Tham to know that I told anyone-“

TO frowned as they considered the issue, but now that they knew what had really happened between Tham and Jason, they could work backwards and see how obvious Tham’s words and behavior had been that day TO spoke to them after Noss revealed just how Jason had died. “Well, if I look back, it’d be an obvious assumption, wouldn’t it be?” TO asked. “When I checked on Tham after Noss came to us, his behavior was stranger than normal. He seemed more upset than I would have assumed, and he seemed to dislike Mel for no discernible reason.” They glanced upwards, thinking it through, as their ears twitched with concentration. “That is likely, isn’t it? I could guess that there was something going on between them from that, right?”

“Maybe.” Pearla said, “But, I promise you, he won’t be any happier if he thinks you’re spending time with him out of pity.”

“Hmm...maybe not.” TO said as they considered the issue, “But would it bother him if I spent time with him out of boredom?”

Pearla frowned at them, her tail twitching on the ground. “I don’t know?” She said, “I Think they’d have a hard time believing you’re already bored. The kids haven’t even really gotten bored yet.

“It’s different for me.” TO explained, “I’ve been sitting here for days. Before today, it wasn’t so bad since I was on heavy medication.” They rubbed the space over their knee once more. It still didn’t hurt, not yet, but the only way they could explain how it felt was ‘Itchy on the inside.’ Hopefully, the medication DH would give them would make that sensation go away, “Now though...” They frowned as they glanced up at the show which had been playing in the background, the sound so low that Constance wouldn’t hear it while she slept. “I’m not used to having quite so much free time.” They said. “And all this free time at once is too much for me.”

“It is?” Pearla tilted her head at TO. “But you and DH were all along on the ship while you came here, right? Wasn’t that boring?”

“Not really.” TO said, “Monotonous, perhaps, but not boring.” They leaned back. “Each day, we start by doing basic chores around the ship to keep it going. It probably doesn’t look like that much since DH, GiDi, Flit and Snout are working on it, but there were many tasks that had to be done every day. Then we had to do exercise to keep in shape, and after that we had to study up on Arkanian culture and politics, and follow the recent news. We did have a lot to do, honestly.”

“I’d think you’d appreciate the rest, then.” Pearla said, “Even once you were underground with us, you were always so busy-“

“And now... I’ve come to a screeching halt.” TO said as they slumped back against the wall. “When I woke up this morning, and the medication wore off a little, and I realized that I didn’t have to do anything today... at first, that was wonderful.” They smiled softly, their ears warming up. It had been so lovely when they woke up. It was more crowded in their little sleeping area, of course, but TO had a spot near the wall due to their injury, and DH would always sleep right next to them. Waking up naturally in their mate’s embrace and realizing there was no need for them to get up had been a luxury to TO. For a while, they could relax in DH’s arms without worrying about how much longer they might have to rest. “But I’m not used to this much unlimited time to myself. DH can’t be with me all the time-“ They gestured over to DH, who was still entirely focused on Vik. TO wasn’t even certain that they had noticed Pearla. “They have work to do, and I can’t help them. I can’t go about the ship to do basic maintenance, and DH does the work I could do sitting down.” They looked back to Pearla, “But if I wanted to spend some time with Tham while everyone else was busy, then I think that would be alright.”

“... At the very least, I think Tham would get that.” She muttered, “He’s not used to being idle either.”

“Then it’s settled.” TO said, “Tell me the best time to go see Tham, the best time when the kids might be busy elsewhere, and I’ll go up and find him.” They cleared their throat. “It’ll have to be tomorrow, though. I should hopefully have a chip on me by then. I’m fairly certain DH wouldn’t like me going around without a chip... and honestly, I wouldn’t be comfortable doing that either.”

“If you’re sure.” She said, but even as she spoke TO caught the breath of relief she released, and saw how her tail suddenly relaxed, “But don’t tell him you know about-“

“I won’t.” TO said, “If he asks, I will simply say I gathered that they were close. That is true. If he finds out that I know, I’ll just point out how obvious the signs were when we spoke that day.” They huffed and looked aside. “Of course, I don’t have to tell him I didn’t figure it out on my own.”

Pearla reached out, gently squeezing TO’s forearm, “Thank you.” She said, “Thank you so much. I’m just so worried about him...”

“I don’t know if I’ll be any help with that.” TO said. “But... I’ll try.” They chuckled, “I Don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with him. We’ve never spent time together before outside of the work we did before.”

“I can figure that out,” Pearla said. “Don’t worry. I’ll be down tomorrow to make sure you’re still ok with this, and then I’ll figure out the best time.” She looked into TO’s eyes, “You’re sure you’re ok with this?”

If they hadn’t been, they’d still have done it. They’d have done it for GiDi, since it was their mate asking them to do this, for Pearla, who had already done so much for them, and for Tham, whose grief at everything that had happened TO could only imagine.

“I am entirely sure.”