Surviving marriage in yandere world

The Velvet Academy promenade was supposed to be serene. Cherry blossoms drifted down like pink snow. Couples strolled arm in arm. Street performers juggled enchanted marbles. The air smelled faintly of roasted chestnuts and… anxiety.

Because Rei was on a date.

Not just any date—The Date. The one Emilia had fought for, declared for, and risked igniting civil war over. The wives had called it The Day of Infidelity. The faculty had declared DEFCON-1. The Academy Guard had been mobilized. Students whispered like survivors of a disaster film.

And Rei? He just wanted ice cream.

"Vanilla," Rei muttered, peering into the frosty glass display. "Simple. Harmless. No ulterior motives. Just… dairy."

"Rei," Emilia smiled, her silver hair gleaming like moonlight as she stood beside him. "It's fine. Pick anything you like. Today is ours."

The words should have been comforting. Instead, Rei's danger instincts screamed like air raid sirens. "Ours" was the sort of phrase that triggered divine smiting or, worse, Lilia popping out of a sewer grate.

Still, he straightened. Be brave, Rei. It's only dessert. Ice cream can't kill you.

[Warning: Statement Detected.] Accuracy: 0%]

[Side Note: Ice cream has a higher assassination rate in this world than crossbows.]

"…You've got to be kidding me," Rei muttered at the invisible system.

He forced a smile at the vendor, an elderly man in a striped apron. "Two cones, please. Vanilla and strawberry."

The vendor nodded and handed them over with suspiciously practiced grace. His hands were steady. Too steady. His shadow flickered for a moment against the stall wall—unnaturally elongated. Rei blinked. Was that… a kunai outline?

Emilia tilted her head. "Rei? You're staring."

"Just… admiring the craftsmanship," Rei lied, accepting the cone.

They sat on a bench beneath the blossoms. Emilia licked her strawberry scoop with perfect elegance, the picture of serene beauty. Rei tried to focus on his vanilla and ignore the fact that he was sweating bullets.

Maybe—just maybe—this moment would be normal.

Then the strawberry cone sneezed.

Yes it sneezed.

A sharp, high-pitched "choo!" erupted from Emilia's dessert. She jerked back, blinking. The scoop bulged, then split open like a grotesque flower. From its core, a kunoichi in pink frosting camouflage burst forth, twin blades glinting.

"TARGET: EMILIA! ELIMINATE!" she screeched.

Rei's cone slipped from his hand and hit the pavement. His soul followed.

[Alert: Assassination Attempt Detected]

[Disguise Rating: 9/10 – Truly delicious deception.]

[Survival Odds: Diminishing rapidly.]

The ninja lunged—straight at Emilia's throat but Emilia sneezed.

A delicate, utterly unladylike "h-hhCHHhhht!" exploded out of her, jerking her head to the side. The ninja overshot completely, slammed into the bench, and wedged her katana into the wood.

Rei gawked. "D-did you just dodge… with a sneeze?!"

Emilia dabbed her nose with a handkerchief, serene. "Pollen season."

The ninja thrashed like a skewered fish, trying to wrench her blade free. "C-curse… allergies…!"

Rei buried his face in his hands. His stress levels skyrocketed so hard he swore his hairline retreated another inch. "I can't… I literally can't… Why is my life like this?"

[Stress Levels: Approaching aneurysm]

[Side Mission: Cry in public.]

[Reward: Catharsis.]

And Rei did cry. Tears welled up and streamed down his face as he moaned into his palms. The ice cream—his one hope of peace—was now splattered on the cobblestones. Assassins hid in dairy products. His arteries would clog from stress before sugar ever had the chance.

Meanwhile, Emilia calmly stood, brushing petals from her lap. She placed a hand on his shoulder. "It's alright, Rei. Don't worry. Nothing will ruin today."

At that exact moment, the ninja freed her sword with a triumphant cry. "NOW YOU DIE—"

A frying pan slammed into her face.

The crowd gasped. From behind a nearby snack stand stepped a waitress in frills, holding the pan like an executioner's axe. Her disguise shifted—black hair shimmered, melting away into honey-gold braids.

"Rosette," Rei hissed.

The maid bowed primly. "Sir. You dropped your ice cream. Permit me to remove the contaminant." She kicked the unconscious ninja into the nearest trash bin. It closed with a hollow thunk.

[Side Objective Complete: Trash Disposal]

[Reward: +1 maid surveillance]

Emilia's eyes narrowed. "Rosette. You're following us again."

"Of course, Lady Emilia." Rosette's smile was sharper than glass. "Did you truly believe the Duke's heir would be left unguarded on this… day?"

Rei waved his arms like a drowning man. "Unnecessary! Completely unnecessary! No more guards! No more maids! No more ninja dairy products!"

[Denial Detected]

[System Note: You are very much guarded, constantly, and likely bugged.]

Emilia sighed and tugged Rei away before he collapsed fully. "Ignore them. Rei, let's go somewhere else. Somewhere safe."

Rei wheezed. "There's no such place. Safety is a myth. It's like unicorns or tax breaks."

But Emilia only smiled, her eyes soft. "There's one place."

He blinked. "Where?"

She leaned close, whispering like a secret breeze. "By your side."

Rei's heart skipped. For one fragile instant, he forgot about assassins, systems, or jealous wives. He only saw her.

And then Rosette handed him a new cone.

"On the house," she said. "Chocolate chip. Not poisoned. Probably."

Rei screamed into the sky.

Rei's scream echoed through the promenade like a warhorn of despair. Pigeons scattered. A street performer juggling enchanted marbles dropped his act; the marbles detonated in a tiny fireworks display that spelled out, "SOMEONE IS HAVING A BREAKDOWN."

Children pointed, couples whispered. A bard immediately strummed a tragic ballad titled "The Boy Who Couldn't Eat Dessert Without Dying."

Rei collapsed back onto the bench, clutching his chest. "Why… Why can't I just have a normal cone? What kind of lunatic hides assassins in strawberry scoops?! What next—an archer in a popsicle?"

[System Suggestion: "Statistically, a sorcerer in sorbet is more likely."]

[Reminder: "You once nearly choked to death on a rigged jellybean."]

Rei grabbed his temples. "Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Emilia tilted her head, utterly calm, as if ninja dairy warfare were a regular Tuesday. "Rei, perhaps stress isn't good for digestion. You should take deep breaths."

Rei wheezed like a deflating balloon. "Emilia, people are trying to murder you with dessert and you want me to breathe?"

"Yes." She patted his hand softly. "Inhale. Exhale. Pretend the assassins don't exist."

Rosette, who was still holding her frying pan like the hammer of divine retribution, interjected smoothly: "That would be fine, my lady… except assassins do exist." She nudged the trash bin with her foot. It rattled ominously. "Some of them are simply less competent than others."

The bin hiccupped. A muffled "I'll… be back…" leaked out before Rosette slammed the lid again.

[Side Objective Complete: Trash Can Pacification]

[Bonus Reward: +5% Maid Smugness]

Rei rubbed his face. "I'm… I'm not surviving this. Not the ice cream, nor the picnic. Nor the gondola, if that's next. I'm going to have a heart attack at twenty."

[System Clarification: "Untrue. Statistical models predict death at nineteen and a half."]

Rei let out another strangled scream that frightened a dog into running three streets over.

By now, the promenade crowd had formed a semicircle around them. Spectators whispered like gossip-hungry demons.

"Is that him? The harem guy?"

"Yeah, that's the one. His wives declared war over this date."

"I heard last week his sandwich tried to kill him."

"No, that was soup."

"Soup?!"

Bookies began setting up folding tables. Wagers were scribbled onto chalkboards:

Odds Rei faints before finishing cone: 3 to 1.

Odds another ninja pops out: 2 to 1.

Odds he proposes marriage in hysterical delirium: 50 to 1.

Rei noticed and flung his hands skyward. "Stop betting on my misery!"

[System Response: "Impossible. It's the national sport now."]

Emilia, entirely unruffled, took the chocolate chip cone Rosette had offered and presented it back to Rei with perfect poise. "Here. Try again."

Rei recoiled like she'd handed him a grenade. "No! Absolutely not! That's not ice cream, that's a loaded weapon! I'm not putting that in my mouth unless I want to choke on shuriken!"

"Rei," Emilia said softly, smiling with infuriating serenity. "Have faith."

"Faith?! I need therapy, not faith!"

Rosette adjusted her apron. "Actually, sir, we've confirmed this cone is free of weaponry, toxins, or curses."

Rei squinted. "Confirmed how?"

The maid smiled. "Field testing." She gestured casually to a nearby alley, where two unconscious men lay twitching, their faces smeared with melted chocolate.

"…Oh my gods," Rei muttered.

[System Notification: "Scientific rigor achieved. Margin of error: 0%. Probably."]

Emilia lifted the cone and pressed it gently into Rei's trembling hand. "Please, Rei. For me?"

His heart made an ugly noise. His brain screamed NO, but his soul melted under her gaze. Like a man marching to the gallows, he lifted the cone, sniffed it, then licked once.

He froze.

"…It's… good," Rei whispered, as if afraid the universe would smite him for admitting it.

[System Update: "Taste buds satisfied. Paranoia is still active and Stress remains lethal."]

The crowd actually cheered. A student fainted from relief. A professor wiped his eyes, muttering, "Truly, history in the making." The bard immediately began composing "Ballad of the Courageous Lick."

Rei wanted to die but just when the tiniest spark of normalcy flickered, the system beeped again.

[Warning: Suspicious sprinkles detected in a 10-meter radius.]

[Advisory: Assume everything is trying to kill you.]

Rei nearly hurled the cone into the river. "SUSPICIOUS SPRINKLES?!"

Rosette raised her frying pan, scanning the cobblestones like a soldier on patrol. Emilia only sighed and dabbed Rei's forehead with her handkerchief.

"You're safe," she said simply. "You have me."

Rei slumped forward, eyes hollow. "That's the problem."

[System Applause: "Correct. At last, you understand."]

The ninja-in-the-trash-bin twitched again, muffled curses echoing from inside. Rosette stomped on the lid until it rattled like a drum. The crowd applauded.

And Rei? Rei finished the cone in miserable silence, tears mixing with chocolate, whispering to himself like a broken man.

"No more ice cream ever again. Not in this life nor in the next. If I'm reincarnated as a cow, I'm still refusing dairy."

[System Note: "Statement recorded. Expect ironic karmic twist."]

Rei groaned. He could already feel the universe sharpening its knives.

To be continued…