Stars Dancing [Dreams-To-Lovers Romance]

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One who likes the sound

of her own cleverness.

Collected Unpublished Lyrics

Sibsil Creed, Stories of Shurwinn, (2782)

Journal

Family. I'm not just going to become a citizen, I've joined a family. I don't have good experiences of family. Family is why I am ruined. I'm not sure if it's a good thing? I just showed them, or at least Denten and a few others that I can speak into their minds whenever I want to. That I'm cracked, and I am trying to fix myself, but what is going on with me isn't a medica problem. If I let go and relax my hold on this sense that I have, I'll just start invading everyone's personal thoughts and feelings. That's just not right.

But how can I stay here and be a part of a family and keep sitting outside by myself? It seems like I've been missing a lot of crucial things while I've been here. I've been so afraid of being a nosy, snooping off sphere, and trying so hard not to offend them, that I've pushed away generous, thoughtful people.

I mean, all I had to do was go up to Sorchen in the library, and she gave me everything I wanted to know and then some. And brought me a fridge. And tended… tended me when I was sick… my thoughts are too slow, like ice melting in the sun. She was tending me while I was sick, like a mother. A mother.

Oh stars— stars! They really actually care. They aren't just trying to make sure the off sphere medica doesn't die on their watch and start an interplanetary conflict. They really care about me. Stars. I feel naked. I don't think I like this.

Is this good? It's a new chapter. There was the old chapter. It sucked. My family sucked. But I didn't just bend to their will. I made my own decisions and walked my own path. I have my own successes to celebrate. I'm cracked, but I'm figuring out how to heal. Maybe this is just part of healing? Realizing that there are people who are worth trusting?

Can I do that? Expect that they will be good to me and not strike me in the back when I'm least expecting it? How do I even start doing that? Expecting kindness and generosity instead of manipulation and betrayal? Am I even capable of hoping for it?

Asking questions seems to be a good way to start. I never asked Denten my questions tonight. The whole, "Let me speak into your mind and tell you exactly what I think of your dinner" plan took over instead. So, maybe I can try again? Try having a conversation about family?

Bend, stretch, lift, tuck, one hand, one foot, I am the breath. The breath is in me. Feel the breath. The breath moves me. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out.

The flow came to an end. I sat on the floor. I took another deep breath. Denten sat beside me. We were not facing each other. My jaw worked because I was anxious. I wanted to blurt it out, but I didn't want to open my mouth. I let myself feel Denten sitting next to me, and oh stars! He was calm, and he was patient. He was fine to sit there. If I wanted to speak, I would. If I just needed to sit, that was fine. I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to cry. So I breathed. And I sat. And when I was ready, I said, "I think I would like to talk about family."

Then words poured out. "Something happened to me, Denten, before I came to Shurwinn. Something bad. I was physically injured. My brain was injured. And more than that. My trust was broken so deeply that it's not easy to try again. But I want to. I want to try. This is how I am trying. By just talking. I want to tell you a story. And it's a bad story. But I think I need to say it out loud in order to heal the wounds."

"Thank you for caring about me. I've only just realized that everyone here at the monastery cares about me. I'm not used to people tending me when I'm sick or celebrating with me when something great happens. I realized last night that this is how you are showing me that you are family. So, I'm going to try to be family too and tell you about me."

I took a big breath in to brace myself then continued, "What you won't find in the public records about me is that I was married. Before I came to Shurwinn, my ex-husband tried to kill me." I felt Denten fall completely still next to me, like a statue.

I trudged on."I had gotten off a long shift at the hospital. It was the middle of the night, and I was exhausted. He surprised me, and slammed me against the kitchen counter. He's a Level 2. He took drugs to make him amped up, and he sneak attacked me when I wasn't expecting it. I managed to break his leg and get away to call Emergency. I woke up in the hospital after being in a coma."

"I lived, but I wasn't the same person after that. Darwin is on a prison sphere now, and we are divorced. None of this was publicized, so you don't have to worry. I don't think anyone can find out and cause problems for Shurwinn because of it."

Denten turned and looked at me. I looked up at him, and saw the shock on his face that I sensed coming off of him. "Do you think I'm worried about myself, Ryst? I'm not worried about what the public will say. I'm concerned for you. For your safety. For your well being. I just want you to be happy and free. None of the rest matters."

I looked away. I couldn't keep going if he kept saying things like that. I nodded, "Thank you. But there's more, Denten. I keep thinking about how I managed to marry a man who was capable of such violence, such hatred. How did I not know what kind of person he was? And I think part of the problem has to do with family. My family was—well, on the surface, it should sound great. I'm sure you already know about the public information: the business, and all of the data points." I felt him nodding.

"But, that doesn't really tell you much about what it was like to grow up there. It's a cosmetics business empire. Tremendously successful. But it's all swirling around my mother who requires constant attention and adoration. And if you don't do exactly what she wants, if you challenge her, or even accidentally slight her for something you don't even know she will be offended by, then you are on the outs with the whole family. You find yourself stabbed in the back, and everyone thinks you are the bad guy who was so mean to mother. It's sick. They are all sick. And growing up like that meant always being on guard. Always looking over my shoulder. Never expecting kindness. Never expecting people to be trustworthy."

"And I think that's part of why I married Darwin and didn't question some of the things he did that should have been warning signs. Because I was used to being treated poorly and didn't have anything good to compare it to. In some ways, he wasn't as bad as my family. He ignored me and would change the subject if I asked about something serious, but he wasn't acting like my mother. Until the very end."

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"So, I think that, well— I know it isn't my fault that all of this happened. But, I don't want it to happen to me again, so I'm trying to figure out what I need to do with myself so it doesn't happen again. And I'm hoping that just talking about it is the first step."

He leaned over and laid in front of me, on the floor, in a line, three bead bags. Green. Blue. Purple. I was really shocked. Out of all the feelings coursing through me, surprise was not what I was expecting. "What?" I said in a baffled tone.

Then it was Denten's turn to talk. "Really, Ryst, I should have been able to give you the purple beads last night. But, I needed to hear you say a few things before I could do that. So, let me tell you more about the Tindin beads and the mystical path of Tindin."

Mystical path. Mystical— I liked that word.

"Green," he continued, "is when the student shares a personal insight about themselves. Blue is when the student shares an insight that there's something larger in the world outside of themselves. Purple is when the student demonstrates a connection to a mystical force outside of themselves."

"Green: you are thinking about what it means to have family. You want to heal, and you see how past hurts have made you vulnerable to those who would be unkind to you. You aren't blaming anyone else for the hurts you have endured; you want to better yourself."

"Blue: you see that there are people in the world who are not trustworthy, but you also see that there are people in the world who are trustworthy. You know that you are on a mystical path of healing. And that trusting something outside of you is a part of that journey."

"Purple: last night you demonstrated an ability to connect in a mystical way to other people. You sent a glow of thankfulness out of your body and communicated your thanks without saying a word out loud. You are Talented, Ryst. Have you met other Talented since you have been on Shurwinn?"

My eyebrows shot up, and I moved to face him. "WHAT?! Talented? You mean, you aren't afraid of me?"

He laughed. "No, Ryst! You're Talented. Have you met anyone like you?"

I shook my head, rubbing my forehead with my hand. "What? Talented? I've been thinking I was crazy for months. I've been going mad just trying to control it. And there was this mirka, and it went to sleep on my neck. And I saw all these colors, and I was vast as the desert. And there was this old lady the mirka took me to, and she called me Siblin Lone Warrior Nun. And I came to the monastery looking for Warrior Nuns. And are you telling me the mirkas are Talented? CAN THEY SEE THE FUTURE!?"

Denten laughed uproariously, along with me. It felt so good to laugh. All the confusion and helplessness and overwhelm came pouring out of me in gales of laughter. Finally, when we quieted down, I asked, "No, seriously, are the mirka Talented? What is going on? I have been so confused and overwhelmed. It was like I got my head cracked open, and something poured out, and I'm not the same anymore. And I'm trying to figure out what is going on with me, but I thought I couldn't tell anyone because, well, I hardly believed it myself. So, why would anyone else believe me? Are there other people like me?"

He laughed a little, and said calmly, "Ryst, I don't know exactly what your Talent is. I only know what I felt from you last night, so we can explore that a little more. But the mirkas aren't Talented, exactly. It's the people. The seelees."

"Seelees?"

"Yes, it translates something like, 'Ones who hear animals.'"

"'Ones who hear animals,'" I repeated. "So, the seelees hear animals like I hear people?'"

"I don't know if I can explain it to you properly since I am not a seelee, and I don't have your gift, so I don't know what it is like for you. But the seelees hear animals. They know what the animal wants, or they feel it, I'm not sure exactly, but the mirkas really like the seelees, so you will see them around a lot."

"So, Paulo, the mirka, probably that girl who he belonged to— she was probably a seelee?"

"Probably. And I haven't experienced a Talent like yours before. So I don't know for sure if there's anyone else exactly like you. The seelees are the most common Talented, and they are rare. So that tells you how often we see Talented: not often. But we know the Talented are here. And we encourage the mystical path."

"There are many things you need to understand about the three beads I'm giving you today. First is that the Talented are here, and we know about them and encourage the formation of Talents. This is a primary reason for the Shurwinn Code— the isolationist philosophy. It isn't a marketing strategy alone. We like to let people think that it is, but we are protecting the vulnerable and cherishing them. We are all family, and we look after each other."

"And next is that the mystical path of Tindin is a personal and individual journey that we each go on together. Level 4, or Green Beader, is the first step of self discovery. And no one tells the Level 3s, the Yellow Beaders, what Level 4 is. So, the only way to reach Level 4 is by your own individual path of self discovery." I nodded absently, listening as I looked out across the dojo.

"Do you see?" he continued. "It's the student who creates the journey, even if they don't know what they are trying to do. So, here in Shurwinn, we have many who are Yellow Beaders, but few who continue to Green. Because it takes a lot of dedication to explore yourself and express your self awareness to a teacher. Most of the Shurwinn still believe that Level 4, Green, and above is about martial arts and fighting skills. They don't understand that endless years in the dojo sparring isn't going to progress them unless they take time to contemplate in the quiet of their own minds."

"Wow, Denten," I responded. "A mystical path of martial arts?" It wasn't about sparring or forms, it was about experiencing my self, and then experiencing something outside of my self, and then demonstrating a connection to that.

"So… I. Last night," I cringed. I didn't even know how to describe what I had done. "Last night at dinner when I, well, I've never done that exactly. Did you hear my voice in your mind?" I asked sheepishly, grimacing.

His tone was gentle when he responded, "I just felt a warm feeling coming from you. Felt like you were telling me that you were thankful. I felt like you were finally showing me who you are. I didn't feel like you were invading my mind." I exhaled a breath I didn't realize I was holding. "Ryst, my wife and I would like you to come to dinner. Will you come to our house? You are family now."

I blinked rapidly trying to compute the new information. "Dinner? You have a house?"

"Yes, I don't live at the monastery." he chuckled. "Lirin and I have a house and children and grandchildren."

I laughed. Of course he had a family! I'd missed so much. "I would love to come to dinner, but you know I—," I started, but he interrupted me.

"Your diet isn't an issue. Lirin is a pastry chef. We have a shop in town, and she already knows everything you eat. You like curries, right?"

"Yes, but I don't expect other people to do what I do. It really isn't practical, and I don't think it's right to ask other people to make the sacrifices—"

He interrupted me again, "Okay, how about we say that Lirin and I want to have an adventure and try a meal like yours for just one night? Will you let us have an adventurous dinner with you?"

I laughed, oh stars, he was so good at making all my insecurities seem like quirky little foibles and my peculiarities seem like novelty to be enjoyed. I started to feel a really odd sensation. I decided to call it "acceptance." That must be what true family was— acceptance. "Okay, Denten, let's go on a culinary adventure. Should I bring something?"

"How about you bring yourself. Is 6:00 tonight okay? You should take a porter. I'll send the address."

"That sounds wonderful, Denten. Please tell Lirin that I'm looking forward to meeting her."

"She will be ecstatic to finally meet you, Ryst. Sunshine!" he called as we parted ways.

Journal

My Ahtah, I'm going to try writing you a letter. It will be like I'm talking to you. Like when I was sick, and I was just telling you what I was going through, even though I couldn't feel you. And then you were in my dream. So, maybe you can hear me? I don't know. But I'm going to try. I got to Level 6 Tindin today. Do you train in a martial art?

Tindin is completely different from Jendo. It's baffling, really. It's all about mysticism. Mysticism. I like that word, but it's an adjustment to think of myself as a mystic. This is all so new to me. And my teacher told me today that I'm Talented. And I'm not alone. There are others who hear things that other people don't hear. Like animals. They somehow communicate with the animals. So, there must be something I can do to learn to control this.

Are you Talented? Are you trying to reach out to me? You seem to be good at it. Are you like me? Do you hear people's thoughts and feel their feelings? Does it make you crazy? I'm doing better with it lately, and now that I know that the Shurwinn don't think I'm weird, that they actually protect people like me, it helps me feel like I'm not alone.

I still can't get used to the fact that they think of me as family. There's so much I don't understand about people who are kind and generous. I still want to hold back. To sit in the back row and just watch for a while. But I'm trying.

I told my teacher today about Darwin. About how screwed up everything has been and about how I'm working on it and trying to understand how I got into that situation. I feel so much better after talking about it. And the Tindin beads really helped.

It took something that was so hard for me to do,—like, to me, it was actually worse than sparring. Talking was a lot harder than sparring. I had been sparring with myself and hadn't known it. Telling that story was so much harder than sparring. And once I stopped and just talked, well, then I was Level 4, 5, and 6. All at once. Green, blue, purple. I'm a Purple Beader now. So, I wonder what the last 3 Levels are? Do I stop training and just talk? Ha ha.

Oh wait, if I'm laughing, does that mean you're going to show up? Ha! Hmm, no, I don't feel you. But it's good to talk to you. I feel so much more normal now. Ha! I feel normal because I'm writing a letter to my invisible lover.