Stars Dancing [Dreams-To-Lovers Romance]

We were kissing. His tongue felt good. Lapping at mine that way.

I wanted him. My body hurt.

I love you, I felt him say.

I don't know what to do right now, I sent back.

"Just kiss me," he said.

"Do you want to?" I asked.

Do you want to come, I sent.

"You're sitting on my lap, kissing me, asking if I want to come?" he said.

Chuckling; I felt him laughing.

"Do you need me to?" I asked.

Stroke you until you release, I sent.

"Unh uh. No. Not if you can't come with me," he said.

Not while your body hurts you. I love you, I felt him say.

"Does it bother you?" I asked.

Being hard. Wanting me? Needing me? Not doing anything about it? I sent.

No. It's just there, I felt him say.

"Let's just kiss," he said.

I decided. I could just kiss him today.

We decided. We could just kiss today.

It was okay.

I was okay.

We were okay.

- Within and Without: A Tindin Journey With Erotica

"Ryst! You're here!" Lirin said, pulling me into an embrace. There was no formal bow, there was just the short, round woman with a loose bun and barefeet welcoming me to her home as though I'd been there hundreds of times.

And it struck me that I had passed through the doorway and into the real Shurwinn. I was in someone's home. I was in Denten's home; hugging his wife! And I didn't feel awkward or clumsy. It was impossible to feel nervous around Lirin. She was just a jubilant, lively woman full of energy and brightness. Such a contrast to the staid, quiet Denten I'd been greeting the sun with in the dojo.

Their feet were bare, and there were shoes by the door, so I slipped off my slippers and followed Lirin. "I love your home, Lirin! Thank you for inviting me."

"I'm so glad you're finally here for dinner, Ryst. And this is so fun. I love having new things to try, and I can't wait to see how you like this pepper veg. I think everything turned out great—," she kept on as we headed towards the low tatsu table. There were shiki benches that sat directly on the floor, the kind with backs so you could lean back when you were sitting on the cushions. No formal dining table, just this comfortable, lived-in space where children had run around and people had lounged.

It was all so laid-back and cozy. I wasn't just having a culinary adventure, I was having a whole new life adventure. Gone was the aloof off sphere, afraid to talk to anyone because I didn't want to offend Shurwinn ways. No more closed off, solitary Ryst. I was in a private home, with people who wanted to be my friends, and it felt like I was walking in a dream. As if when I crossed the threshold of their home, everything had shifted, and my whole world had altered course. And I was ready for it.

We started loading plates with salads and fruit and veggies, and I decided to ask questions. We talked about citizenship and employment and the Shurwinn Code and things that I couldn't read about on the stream. When I asked why they were answering my questions so openly when I was still an off sphere, Lirin said that I couldn't really decide to live on a sphere properly if I didn't know anything about it, could I?

"But aren't you worried that I'll leave and tell everyone all about Shurwinn?"

"Ryst," Denten explained in his patient teacher voice, "If I thought that you were going to leave Shurwinn, if I thought you were the type of person who betrayed her friends, if I had any doubts about you at all, I wouldn't have offered to be your Guarantor. And that's what it means to be a Guarantor. I wanted you to become a citizen. I already saw you as a part of the Shurwinn family."

So, I had passed a test I didn't know I was taking. Again. I hadn't known that the Yellow Beads were a mystical path until I started opening up about my inner self. Now, I had been an outsider, and then I had started asking questions about citizenship, and that was a signal that I didn't know I was giving. The whole time, everything had been up to me. No one had pushed me or even led me. My path to Shurwinn citizenship had always been self directed.

"But what if I don't stay?" I asked. "What if I get a job on another sphere?"

Lirin said, "Then you get a job on another sphere, Ryst. Isolationist doesn't mean penal colony! No one is trapped here. We come and go as much as we want to. The difference between Shurwinn and other spheres is the visitation requirements, but for citizens, it's just like everywhere else. Do you want to go ack to your job on Starlend, Ryst? Do you know what you want to do next?"

I shook my head, "No, I definitely don't want to go back to Starlend. But I don't know what I want to do next. It's really hard to think about being a medica again. I just don't feel like I'm the same person. No, I— I'm not the same person, and I can't just pick up my old life like it's a comfortable jacket. Because it's not. It's not comfortable anymore. That old life feels too foreign to me now. But I don't know where I'm going. I'm learning something new, and I just found out today that I'm Talented. That this is something that you know about. That it's not surprising or weird. It's a lot to wrap my head around."

Lirin asked, "So, is that something you'd like to do next? Practice with your Talent?"

"Like in a dojo? Are there Talented classes? Have I been missing something major at the monastery? It seems like I was clueless about so much!"

We all laughed, and Lirin explained, "No, it's not like that. But I meant that you could practice, with us. I'd like to see what you can do."

Shaking my head, I said, "Oh no. No, no, no. You don't want me to just let go and start reading your mind. It's bad enough that I already know that you are happy right now and content, like I'm one of your family who has been away and has just come home. It's way too personal, Lirin, and it's really hard to control it in situations like this."

"Control it?" Denten gently probed. "What are you trying to control, Ryst?"

"I—well, I'm not entirely sure. I'm still working on figuring it out. Talents might be something familiar to you two, but to me, this is still scientifically impossible. I've only recently begun to accept that something real is happening to me, and I've decided to—to explore it like a researcher. Like I'm gathering data on a new phenomenon that can be observed. I just write down everything I can, gathering information so I can have a frame of reference. A way to catalog my world now."

Lirin hummed to herself and nodded, looking into the distance. "As if it's a new dessert you want to make. You gather all the ingredients, think of how you want to approach it, and then start making different renditions. You try this and that and keep doing it until you've got it the way you want it. And by then, it's familiar. What if you thought of it like that, Ryst? What if it's an experiment, and you try and little of this and a little of that?"

Hmm. An experiment. That sounded like something I could do. Wasn't that what I was doing with the uncooked diet? Just trying it out, taking a relaxed approach?

"I think— I think I could maybe try. But, I still feel like it's unnatural. I mean, I shouldn't just know what people feel or hear their thoughts. It isn't right. If you want to tell me something private about yourself, then you should have the choice to tell me. I shouldn't be walking around in people's most intimate parts of themselves. It's rude and invasive."

"Would it help if I explained what it was like at dinner the other night, so you could research the subjects, and know both viewpoints?" I nodded to Denten in reply, and he continued, "For me, there was nothing invasive or unwelcome going on. I was sitting with my friend, and we were all celebrating her citizenship—that she had decided to join us formally. And then you were moved, and for the first time since you'd been at the monastery, you were yourself. The real Ryst Nova stepped forward. We could finally see past the curtain that was blocking the windows."

The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

"But what did it feel like? Wasn't it too personal?" I asked softly.

"Why wouldn't it be personal? When you are a medica, you need to be distant from your patients, Ryst." Denten used his patient explaining things tone. "We need professionalism in a business setting. We need distance so we can be objective and make decisions."

"Or we need to be teachers who have pulled back into a different tone and are talking from a place of authority rather than familiarity," I thought to myself.

"But when we are casual, when we are with friends and family, we are warmer, right? We let down our guard. We can relax and just be ourselves. And I understand that you were new to this world. You needed time to learn our culture and language, to get comfortable with our ways and customs, and to practice a whole new martial art. But once you were participating in our daily lives, using our kitchen, cleaning our toilets! Cleaning the toilet definitely isn't for guests!"

We laughed, and I felt ridiculous! Chuckling, I said, "When you put it that way, I spent a long time being invasive! Barging into a stranger's house and tidying up! 'Here, your toilet's a mess, let me take care of it for you!'"

Denten moved the plates away, as Lirin sat a small plate in between us. It had three diamonds of something dark brown and rich. I smelled a fragrant aroma that I hadn't tasted in months—chocolate! Real, Shurwinn chocolate. Best chocolate in the galaxy. There were two layers with a thin, dark ganache on top.

Lirin must have been talking from experience when she'd described experimenting with making a new dessert. It was perfection. There were no dessert plates, and Denten and Lirin were both just eating the chocolate straight off the serving plate. Intimate, indeed. It seemed like it would be rude not to, so I joined in and took a fork full of chocolate as Lirin started talking again.

"If it's an experiment, then you need to start somewhere, right? So, don't you need someone to study? Could I be your first subject? I'd like to see what you can do."

I took a bite of the chocolate. It was rich and dark, slightly bitter and lightly sweetened. The bottom layer was dense, not light and fluffy like cake. Chewy, possibly made of dates? And the top layer was thick cream, similar to the cash nut fruit tarts I made for myself but richly chocolatey.

I closed my eyes and savored the bite. Mmm, chocolate! And I let my control slip, and just felt how good the chocolate tasted. I didn't even have to try. It was sensual and natural, and the creamy chocolate melted against my tongue. Lirin wanted to see what I could do?

Okay, Lirin, brace yourself.

I reached out. Something in me reached out. I was full of chocolatey happiness, and there were two people around me. They were curious and delighted. I was their granddaughter, and they were proud of me. I had them; they were in my mind. They were mine, so what was I going to do with them? I observed. We were sitting at a table on the floor. There was one plate in front of us, and we were all eating chocolate off the same plate. It was intimate and close, and I was in their minds. And they were happy about it.

How did I feel? I felt comfortable. I felt welcome. I felt— accepted. That was my new word. Accepted. And something in me shifted, and I realized I was saying with my heart that it felt good to be accepted. I was—pushing? Pushing with my heart? Pushing something out? Pushing out a feeling? Was I saying to them, somehow, that I belonged?

I opened my eyes and pulled back. I asked breathily, "Okay, did you feel it?"

Lirin giggled, "Ryst, that was wonderful! You were so happy and you feel like you belong here! And you do, Lemda."

"Lemda?"

"Grandchild, granddaughter, the casual word, not the formal. 'Lemda, I'm so glad you're here.' Not 'My granddaughter is coming to dinner.' And this is just wonderful, wonderful! What a wonderful Talent, Ryst! So, it must go both ways. You can say your feelings, and you can what, you can feel what I'm feeling? Is that it? Tell me, what was happening to you. Explain it all."

So I explained. About the chocolate, and the feeling, and the reaching. And how most of the time I can't control it, it just happens, and I don't really like it because I get overwhelmed like on the starliner. But as I told them my story, I started to realize that it had been getting better slowly. That it wasn't as bad as on the starliner.

"I wonder— I wonder if being in Shurwinn… If leaving the city of Jensen and the noise and the crowds and the constant busyness, and going somewhere quiet helped my mind? Or maybe the Tindin and the gardens? Or the diet? Or. Hmmm— I wonder if it's the whole of all the experiences. Of working through the trauma and the emotions, and starting to accept myself."

"I wonder if I've slowly been working on the difficulty of being around people's emotions and thoughts without realizing? Do you think that maybe just working on myself made a difference so I'm not so overwhelmed all the time? Would I feel panicky on a starliner now? I mean, at the time, I thought I was having trauma symptoms and anxiety, but, well I don't know. I was having trauma symptoms. Of course I was; that was normal. But now I'm doing better, and not all of it was trauma, it was also a Talent, but I didn't know Talents existed. So, it's all just so—so. It's just—"

Denten cut me off gently, "It's an adjustment period, Ryst. Like learning a new martial art. There's new muscles to move, new ways to position your body. You didn't know Tindin. You'd never seen the flow before. It was awkward and clumsy at first. And it was always going to be. But with time and attention, you mastered the flow. It's a part of you now. And your Talent is another skill. A new set of muscles you are working. There's no one to show you exactly what to do or how to place yourself. But you are creating the dance. Like your first sparring session after you are proficient at the flow."

I nodded, following his train of thought. My voice was distant and my eyes unfocused as I said, "Yes, like the first time sparring. You need to be so familiar with the forms that you aren't thinking about forms, you are aware of your opponent and you focus your attention. You move, they move, you react, you assert, response, reaction, defend, progress forward. Is it like sparring then?"

I realized I had closed my eyes without intending to. "Is that what I'm doing? Dancing with people without using my body? Using some other part of me? Interacting with them, like dancing, but more than dancing?"

I wasn't sure. I was reaching for something, trying to understand something that couldn't be touched. Trying to hold something that couldn't be grasped. Like water flowing from my hands. It wasn't clear to me, but we were getting close to something. I pulled back into myself and opened my eyes. "This chocolate is amazing, Lirin. Tell me about it?"

Dream Journal

There was nothing. There was nothing. There was nothing. I was there. I was there. I was there. There was a pond. There were ripples on the pond. I was on the pond. No, it was a wave. There was a wave, and I was on top of it. I was riding the wave. And it was a great wave. A tidal wave. As tall as the sky. And the wave crashed down.

I felt the earth shake.

My feet were on solid ground.

Something was coming.

I was running. I had to get away—I had to get away right now! Something grabbed my ankle, and I fell. My arm struck the ground and someone was on top of me, grabbing at my coat. I struck out with my arms—

I woke up, breathing hard. Just a dream. It was just a dream. I was in my room in the monastery, and I was safe. My heart raced, and I was panicking. Breathe, Ryst. You're safe. I started to tap my fingers under my eyes like I had done on the starliner. Softly… tapping. Why was this happening? Why was I panicking? It's okay, Ryst, you're okay. You're safe. You're safe here. I kept tapping and just breathing and telling myself I was safe now. And I realized that I was. That I had been practicing Tindin with Denten every day. And going to his house for dinner every couple of weeks. And sitting amongst people during meals. Not having long discussions, but just sitting around people. And it was safe. I had a home. I was doing okay.

I shifted out of panic mode and into curious researcher mode. So, what was happening to me? Why was I having nightmares? Something had happened to me. I was feeling comfortable and at home here in the monastery now. I could relax a bit and not be so remote.

Was that it? Now that I was relaxed, there was something inside me that was afraid? Was I having nightmares again because my brain wanted to spit out more of the trauma? Because I was in a place where it could be handled now? My heart sped up. I wasn't sure I wanted to explore that. It was really uncomfortable. But, what was I going to do? Hide away from it again? Try to avoid, push it away?

Why did it have to be like this? I was having so many amazing experiences— seeing colorful lights, feeling vast as the desert, mysterious mirkas taking me to even more mysterious strangers who gave me messages. Going on a quest to a monastery. Finding out I was Talented, not crazy.

So, why wasn't the world full of these wondrous things? Why was it so much fear, and anxiety, and hurt, and pain? Why did Darwin want to kill me? What was wrong with him? How did he get to be that way? He'd had everything. Intelligence. Success. Notoriety. He was a gifted cybernetics surgeon. He had skills and expertise. Why wasn't that enough for him? How does a person throw all of that away in seconds?

If I were Darwin, what would I be thinking? What motivates someone to do something like that? Or was he not thinking? Was he just reacting and what was he reacting to? He wanted something. Sex. I said "no." He didn't like it. What was it Neal had said, "A man like that doesn't like hearing the word 'no.'"

But why? What's wrong with someone saying "no" to you? Did he see it as a rejection? Was it so deeply affronting that he just couldn't handle it? Like I was telling him he was unworthy? Was he really that insecure? Was he really just not confident at all? He needed constant affirmation of his greatness? That I couldn't ever tell him "no" because it reminded him that he's really just a small, insignificant man?

Was he even more insecure than me?

And I realized that it was true. That all the exterior arrogance was just a show. Just trying to convince himself that he was important. I didn't know how I knew that, but I felt that it was absolutely true. Somewhere inside him, Darwin had felt small and insignificant, and I had reminded him of that. He didn't want to feel that way, so he'd tried to squash all reminders of it. End the reason he'd felt small: me.

Was that what we all did? Was that what we were doing to each other? Just lashing out, reacting, so we didn't have to feel insignificant? Was that what was wrong with the world? We didn't want to feel?

RAW CHOCOLATE DROPS

1 cup raw macadamia nuts (sub walnuts or almonds, if preferred)

1/3 raw, fresh vanilla bean, cut into bits

15 pitted dates, torn into pieces

optional: 1/3 cup honey

1 tablespoon raw cocoa butter, diced

1/3 cup raw cacao powder

INSTRUCTIONS:

Add the macadamia nuts to a high speed blender and process until they start to turn smooth. We are making nut butter, so you'll need to scrape down the sides of the container.

Once the nuts are starting to turn buttery, add the vanilla bean, dates, and honey. Process until smooth.

Add the cocoa butter. Your nut mixture is likely going to be warm at this point which will help the cocoa butter to melt. Cocoa butter is ornery, and if it gets too warm, it will separate. If this happens, don't worry about it. Your chocolate will still taste amazing and have a lovely nougat texture. It will just be a little waste since once separated, the cocoa butter won't mix in with the rest of the ingredients. Yeah, it's a mess. We're experimenting here. Perfection isn't the goal.

Add cocoa powder and blend until mixed well.

Transfer chocolate to parchment paper or a silpat. Shape into an inch-thick little block with your fingers or the back of a spoon or spatula. Refrigerate for an hour or until cool. Slice into bite-sized drops of deliciousness. Store in a container the refrigerator.

- Sibsil Creed, Stories of Shurwinn, (2764)