Saint, You’re So Vulgar!

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#005 Episode: You’re Touching Me Subtly

It was a standoff that was short yet long.

The crude banter from Bershia didn’t end until Asher was shouting loudly, shaking his head.

During it all, Asher realized something.

‘What a nasty person!’

She was someone with a truly vile character. She enjoyed the suffering of others to the extent that she would only stop her ‘jokes’ when her opponent pleaded with her.

So, this was the true identity of the Saintess, whom he had long admired!

Less than a day and a half had passed, yet all that filled Asher’s heart was betrayal.

Nonetheless, Bershia plopped down lazily on the bed, resembling a full predator.

Asher squinted and said sulkily, “Don’t just sit on the bed like that. You’ll wrinkle the sheets I just tidied up.”

“This is my bed, you know?”

“…Ah.”

That’s right.

As he sighed, she asked him in return.

“Would you like to sit too? It’s quite soft here. Big enough for two people to lie down.”

Bershia patted the bed with her hands.

Asher let out a sigh.

“The bed is meant for lying down at night. If you start lying around all day, surely your character will become lazy.”

It felt a bit strange that he was nagging her like he would to children.

But that thought changed in an instant.

“People can lie around during the day, you know. And it’s not like beds are just for sleeping…”

“Ah, please!”

“…Alright, fine. You’re really persistent.”

Asher’s eyes widened.

He was at a loss for words out of exasperation.

When he glared at her in frustration, Bershia returned a look that clearly said, ‘So what?’

“By the way, even after waking up, everything’s still the same. Looks like it’s going to last for quite a while.”

“…Yes, it seems we need to find another way.”

“Did you manage to send that friend called Marvin home? He looked really pitiful when he said he was tired. Oh, cheer up. I don’t think that was meant for me but I thought I’d pass it along.”

Asher chuckled weakly.

Why did this image come to mind?

Marvin already saw the Saintess as a monster.

And since Bershia wasn’t one to express her feelings abundantly, he had to assume she said she was tired with a blank expression.

Marvin might have thought being a guardian for the Saintess was a terribly exhausting job and felt sorry for her.

Clearing up the misunderstanding could wait for later.

Asher sat down on a chair and said.

“The problem isn’t just finding a way back… First, we should figure out how to get through today. Is there a schedule we can’t avoid?”

Although Asher had trained with the goal of being the Saintess’s guardian knight, he didn’t know the specifics of her duties.

Meeting people was one thing, but if she had tasks, he would need to take over her responsibilities.

This was important even when thinking of the future.

After all, as long as Asher serves as her guardian, he needed to be aware of what he needed to learn when her body returned.

He opened his ears with some eagerness.

The response he received was:

“Uh, there isn’t one?”

“?”

“Just enjoy yourself. If you’re hungry, eat. If your mouth is bored, have a snack. If you get tired of that, take a stroll in the garden. If you feel stifled, venture outside and check out the market.”

“???”

“Well, I felt this yesterday too… You have quite the fantasy about the Saintess.”

Immediately, cruel reality loomed over the dazed Asher.

“Think about it. While they revere you outside as a Saintess, we’re pretty much just like any other clergy in that we can hear the will of the gods, right? The most we can do is use some divine powers here and there, but we can’t just freely use them since we’re called the ‘daughters of the divine’. So, in the end, they have to treat us nicely, but since they have nothing proper to offer, they figure it’d be best to give us a spot in the garden and just leave us there.”

Asher blinked.

The naturally following question was:

“So, the guardian knight…?”

“Just a messenger.”

“The conditions for that are….”

“She’s the daughter of a god, you know? Do you really think just any random loser would stand beside her?”

Asher’s mouth dropped in shock.

At that moment, a memory surfaced.

Back when he first entered the guild, his mentor and the current commander of the Knights’ Order, Commander Weill, once said when he expressed his desire to be the Saintess’s guardian knight:

-…It’s probably different from what you think.

Was this what he meant?

Indeed, over the last ten years, Commander Weill often hinted that Asher should consider aiming for the position of commander rather than merely being a guardian knight.

At the time, he had taken it as praise or encouragement, but thinking back, it could have been something entirely different.

Asher’s body trembled.

Bershia smiled brightly and asked.

“Disappointed?”

“Th-that’s!”

He was momentarily speechless.

But then Asher clenched his eyes shut and responded.

“I’m not disappointed! After all, it was my goal!”

“Oh really.”

“Ah, right! It’s not like you’re doing nothing! I’ve heard the Saintess conducts inspections and provides medical support for the poor!”

Asher’s eyes sparkled.

He had momentarily forgotten amidst the shock, but surely, until two months ago, Bershia had been going around small villages near the kingdom healing the sick.

So, then it was even more impressive!

She had volunteered for others without anyone even asking her…

“Oh, that was for a special allowance. I wanted to buy something back then.”

“?”

“Wanna know what it was? It’s a secret, but it’s a romance book under my bed….”

“Saintess!”

Asher exclaimed with a shrill voice.

Then, with eyebrows furrowing in confusion, he stomped towards the bed, knelt, and reached under it.

While doing so, he shouted.

“Confiscation! How dare you hide something so lewd deep within the church! What if it was discovered! I’ll dispose of it! I’m going to turn it all into firewood!!!”

But there was nothing in his grasp.

“?”

Asher tilted his head and looked up at Bershia.

She was grinning.

“I got you good.”

“…….”

“Now get up. What kind of embarrassing position is it to be on all fours with your butt in the air?”

“Ugh, seriously!!!”

Thud!

Asher rolled on the ground, retreating against the wall, curling up.

He trembled in shame.

“Please, have some decent thoughts!”

“I got it. I’ll stop, so just lower your voice. You might strain your throat.”

“Honestly…”

Bershia only laughed.

Her teasing was growing even more unbearable.

“Alright, I won’t joke around anymore. Hmm, since I thought of it, shall I go on an inspection now?”

“…Is this so sudden?”

“Yes, I’ve just realized that I need money too.”

Asher tilted his head.

“Why’s that? Basic necessities should come from the supplies.”

“Living off supplies is the problem.”

What was wrong with that?

Asher stared at Bershia with confusion, genuinely not understanding.

Then she exhibited a response he had never seen before.

She narrowed her eyes, casting a look as if he was something bizarre.

“Clothes, underwear, and the fabric are all rough. The soap smells greasy and doesn’t feel soothing, and most importantly, the barracks smell way too much like sweat. I might just have to get some scented candles for my room.”

What does that even mean?

As he thought, Asher began to understand.

‘The Saintess is a woman too, after all.’

Certainly, compared to the clothes Bershia usually wore as a Saintess, Asher’s uniform was of lower quality.

The worn parts had been mended multiple times, and thanks to that, his sewing skills had improved a lot, but the feeling of the old fabric surely wasn’t pleasant.

There were moments when Asher felt the smell of the barracks was extreme, so he had to admit that.

Even though his body was like this, Asher didn’t forget that he was in the position of servicing her.

A decision for the country was made.

“If that’s the case, I have my salary, so I’ll use it for that.”

It was his hard-earned salary that he had carefully saved to buy a new sword, but if it was for Bershia, he wouldn’t mind at all.

It would seem quite knightly and cool, wouldn’t it?

Asher thought while looking at Bershia, who only sighed in response.

“Sigh.”

“Huh?”

“It’s kind of you to think that.”

“…What do you mean?”

“If you start buying yourself scented candles, nice soap, and fancy fabric clothes with your own money, how do you think people around you will see you?”

“?”

“…Wouldn’t it look like I’m trying to impress you? In that case, it’s better for me to treat it as a gift. No one will say anything if you buy new clothes and take me around since they’ll be embarrassed to criticize you.”

“…!”

“You really are quite naive about this stuff.”

Asher was engulfed in shock.

But it made sense.

“W-well…!”

Asher trusted his fellow knights, yet people’s views could change at any moment.

Creating a situation that could lead to trouble was the worst-case scenario.

Asher nodded and answered.

“Y-yes! I understand! Then let’s go on that inspection!”

Asher’s face was filled with enthusiasm as he said that.

“I’m confident! I diligently learned defensive laws during my time as a cadet, and while I’m not great at it, I can use healing magic properly!”

Asher placed his hand proudly on his chest as knights did.

“I’ll serve you well!”

“Though it seems like I’ll be serving you.”

“You won’t have to worry! I’ll do everything myself!”

“More like you’re the one touching me subtly… My gas….”

“I didn’t touch you!!!”

Asher shouted.

Once again, he executed his countless ‘glaring at her with narrowed eyes’ looks, leading Bershia to say.

“Alright, I get it. Let’s go then?”

Bershia briskly approached and lifted Asher beneath his armpits.

Hanging there, it felt quite strange.

“…Please put me down.”

“Hmm, you’re heavier than I thought. Have you gained weight? Could you give me a workout by moving your body around a bit?”

“…….”

Asher felt utterly deflated before they had even set off.