Reincarnated as a Phoenix

---Quick heads up, the last handful of chapters are really proving hard to finish so the ending may take longer to get to than expected. Writ myself into a corner long ago so I’m trying my best to salvage what’s left and make it good. This is what a lack of planning does.

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(Temporary Perspective Change)

“Look at them fall! This was worth volunteering for”

“It sure was, wasn’t it ya dopey idiot? Like shooting an elf in a barrel. Do we even know who the invaders are?”

“Who cares dipshits! Let’s bring down some more of these bastards!”

“Pahahahaha!”

Only just arriving to the dwarven kingdom, we’re greeted by harpoons and crossbows firing all around, as the dwarves fight off the approaching enemies. None get close and all end up falling as soon as they get into range, get impaled and not having a chance in hell against these little men.

Olympian Gods, somehow finding and riding wyverns, attempt to raid the kingdom, only to end up being shot down by the countless air defences that litter every mountain on this island. This shit is so intense, even I’m having fun watching this go down! Sure, brewing potions, doing pranks and removing genitalia is fun and all, I can’t always suppress my Norse upbringing, can I?

‘We were soo right to come over here! Who cares if we weren’t needed? We can just watch the fun unfold!’

By the looks of what’s happening, there was no point in us turning up. Really though, just look at the madman dwarves, wearing gas masks and firing those weird harpoon things! They’re having the time or their lives!

It’s a good thing me and my brethren were warned about the toxic gasses in this kingdom beforehand and prepared accordingly. It’s funny really, even the grey elder dragon Aardavar, has a huge gas mask fitted to his face. Did he ever tell you he was vegan? That’s insane, right? Without meat, life wouldn’t be worth living. On this, I completely agree with my barbaric and ugly brothers and sisters.

“Dragon, state your intentions or we will fire upon you! You seem different to the rest of the winged idiots around here”

A croaky voice beckons throughout the mountain range as the dragon we ride upon gets slightly shook from the sound. To be fair, there’s not much left to fire upon anymore. Most of the attackers are already dead!

Dropping like flies, more and more of the Olympian fools fall from the sky after being pierced by the bolts and harpoons. None of which decided to bring gasmasks as well, this attack was suicidal from the start.

<Silly dwarves, we’re here to give you a hand! By the looks of how things are going, you don’t need it!>

“Erm… okay? You have clearance to land so unless you want to be shot, get out of our way dragon!”

‘Such rudeness. I’m surprised the dragon is still smiling after being spoken to like that’

As we go to land in an open region by the side of a mountain, the higher ups of Ragnarök can’t help but speak their true intentions. Throughout that entire encounter, they were grinning just as happily as me.

(Odin) “All my fellow kin… I believe we may have found our own version of Valhalla. This land will work perfectly for our new home”

(Thor) “Aye brother, this may be the place we’ve been searching for all this time. Those beards are magnificent!”

As the dwarves flock to us to see what’s happening, both Odin and Thor have stars in their eyes while me and Freyja are slightly more grounded. The dragon is just in his own little world, picking out dirt from his claws it seems.

“Hang on, hang on, I didn’t agree to this! I’m not living here! They may know how to fight, but who cares about all that! My love Artemis is the other side of the ocean!”

“I’m in agreement with Freyja… apart from the stupid bit. What use is there in switching up a bunch of dwarves?”

I mean, just from the first glances I’m getting from looking at these people, a lot of the women have beards… beards! You can’t even tell the difference between them, and most of which haven’t an inch of femininity! The fun scene we just watched aside; this land is insane!

“Oi, whoever you bastards are on the dragon, listen up! I’ll handle the pointless introductions if you’re looking for a vacation or a place to trade goods”

…

Both Thor and Odin become unstuck when they can’t help but continue to admire the dwarves in question. The insults in general conversation, the axes, the beards, all of it is giving them nostalgia nothing in the heavens could ever compare to.

“Looks like ol’Loki Doki will answer then! Those people that just attacked were Gods from the Olympian faction. We are from the Ragnarök and we’re at war! Frankly, I have to say this because it’s starting to hurt… you lot are so ugly! It’s making me want to weep”

“And you my lass, look like you got shat out a prostitute’s ass. Hah! You lot will fit in around here like a char-… hold up. Ragnarök faction?”

The dwarf leading the defence pauses for a second when the word Ragnarök plays on his mind. I don’t look like a prostitute’s turd… do I? I want to punch this guy now!

“You lot are supposed to be the Gods we worship? That’s hilarious! The whore must be Loki and the masculine woman is… Freyja, right?”

“I’m not masculi-”

“And I’m not a whor-”

(Odin) “Correct. You know of our stories then?”

“Of course we know all about you idiots… and that was meant as compliment lass. There’s nothing wrong with a woman who’s able to hold her man within her arms”

As the dwarf says that, the bearded man, or woman to the side blushes from the compliment. This is like my personal nightmare! I want to go home now!

“But enough about that. The journey must’ve been long, tiring and boring. Let’s get a pint and celebrate the occasion!”

“Erm boss? I think there’s still a few attackers up there”

“Ah, just let the gasses take them for all I care! And if they break through, we can always go into lockdown. Now, you lot like to drink, right?”

…

‘Is he really asking that? Talk about worshipping much if they have to ask something that stupid’

And of course, this has to be sarcasm. There isn’t an entire God within our faction that would turn down such an opportunity. I think the question may be aimed more at the dragon though.

<As long as your alcohol is vegan, I’ll share a trickle with you as well…>

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(Hera) “You two finally wake up and decide to grace us with your presence? Could’ve shown more interest when the invasion first started”

“…”

(Ares) “Ignore them mother and lecture them later, we’ve got some more blood to spill”

‘Fucking Hera. How dare she not fall to my wife’s blade! Status’

[Name: Hecate   |   Species: Olympian   |   Level: 1000]

[Health    50,000/50,000]

[Stamina 49,983/50,000]

[Magicka 100,000/100,000]

[Name: Eris   |   Species: Olympian   |   Level: 500]

[Health    25,000/25,000]

[Stamina 24,968/25,000]

[Magicka 50,000/50,000]

Two stoic and expressionless Goddess enter the stage, clearly being reinforcements for the attackers. Eris being the reserved looking one while Hecate couldn’t reveal more thigh if she tried.

Both of which seem heavily magical related as they stand together holding hands, like witches in a coven about to do something sinister. If Ares and Hera weren’t between us, I’d charge for them in an instant. Mages are always so unpredictable, only thing you can predict is that they like to sleep a lot.

(Hecate) “Call upon the ancient spirits, those denizens that call out to me. As I send those who bid us harm, crying out in a desperate flee”

The stronger witch out of the two begins to chant, and then bluish magical runes light up all around us in the dwindling daytime sky. Whatever magic that is, it damn looks scary.

[<Aesa unfortunately needs to inform Ikarus -plot protection- is now in cooldown>]

‘Five minutes have already passed? Oh shit…’

And of course, my immortality runs out right as the attacks are about to charge up and release. Better brace for impact, I guess.

“Hahahaha! It’s time to experience what Olympus really has to offer, little bird”

“Ares… something doesn’t feel right”

Ares can’t help laughing while Hera appears to be concerned about something, just as the glowing magic is about to launch. Irrelevant of this, the extremely powerful spell releases…

‘Brace for impact… oh. Okay then’

The magic does release and fire beams of blue magic all around… but not towards me. As a matter of fact, no one on our side is aimed at all. The magic is only directed to those who have attacked and explosions of blue magic lock out and crash into all those that dare to attack us.

(Ares) “What th-… hahahaha! You treacherous bitch! Try that again!”

All around, Gods with lesser power begin to fall as Hecate’s attack destroys hearts and souls alike with only a few of the attackers still left standing.

‘That looked like it hurt… status’

[Name: Hera   |   Species: Olympian   |   Level: 1500]

[Health    100,000/100,000]

[Stamina 93,982/100,000]

[Magicka 84,010/100,000]

[Name: Ares   |   Species: Olympian   |   Level: 1000]

[Health    21,039/75,000]

[Stamina 40,201/75,000]

[Magicka 28,818/50,000]

‘Is Hera made of steel or something? This is starting to take the piss!’

That attack definitely hit her and she looks somewhat effected, this is complete bullshit though. Has she got an invulnerability ability of her own? It’s got to be something like that because even I don’t know why her HP is still unaffected.

“*Spits*… always knew you weren’t to be trusted Hecate. If it isn’t obvious yet, this attack has been a great failure. We’re heading home”

“But mother, we’re not fin-”

“Ares, my blood thirsty idiotic son… this is over! We’re leaving now!”

“Yes mother… it’s not like I care about my children dying anyways…”

…

‘But wait! Da fuck? How were they able to do that?’

And within a split second, Hera drops a smoke bomb and poof! Both her and Ares are gone from sight. What a complete and unfortunate waste of time this was then.

(Hecate) “That’s… unfortunate, but somewhat expected. When things look bleak, the bitch isn’t stupid enough to fight. Unless backed into a corner like a wolf baring it’s fangs”

(Eris) “*Nods*”

Speaking in a mature but also croaky tone, Hecate immediately takes me back as even I wasn’t expecting the famous witch to sound like a chain smoker. Imagine a Scottish woman living in the highlands who lives on a diet of cigars and scotch, that’s what you might expect.

Just as I’m about to question the ever-loving fuck out of this fake Petra lookalike, the skies roar and shake as something can’t contain its excitement. Thankfully, it is contained to an extent, it does nearly cause us all to fall over though. Maybe knock over a building or two as well, those weaker buildings needed to come down anyways.

“IKARUS AND MINOS! We’re home!”

<Darling, your voice is coming through>

<Oh, bite me Dermakvar! You’ve done this plenty times before by laughing. I’m happy, okay?>

‘Figures… at least that might explain why those two fled. This betrayal and now the dragons, too much to handle I guess’

“Greetings and salutations everyone! It’s been a very long time!”

Up on mother’s back, there’s also a familiar looking blonde beastkin that I’m struggling to rememb-… Geld! Ah yes, that professional guy that salutes and holds a high ranking in the adventurer’s guild, also serving Asmodeus. Guess he finally got out of the Underworld then. We really do come across too many people in our travels.

They both go to land close by but obviously, they’ll have to wait. As much as I’d love for a quick family reunion, what just happened takes extreme precedence.

“Care for introductions then? Seeing that you just caused that woman to flee like a dog with its tail between its legs”

I probably come across as a little grumpy but this woman doesn’t seem like the type to care. Still can’t get over that accent, only wish she was speaking proper Scottish lingo because fuck knows I wouldn’t be able to understand a thing.

“I am Hecate and this is my troublemaking apprentice, Eris. Took her on as my apprentice as request from Nyx a while back. Don’t try speaking to her, tongue was cut out an eon ago”

“*Nods*”

“She’s a daughter of Nyx? Just how many children is that now?”

I’ve heard of both of them names, just Eris is one of those stories I don’t remember much of. Hecate is the famous witch Goddess but even then, she was someone I’m not all that knowledgeable on. And Nyx’s children… I can’t remember everything about the Underworld! I’m a geek but not perfect! Nyx has way too many children anyways, swear she’s similar to Zeus with all the kids she has.

“Adopted daughter… and no one knows. She was birthed from Hera and Zeus. Life story short… she was a runt and deserved to lose her tongue, wagging it in places she shouldn’t be, like causing the Trojan War for example. Nyx just happened to pick up the pieces”

“*Nods again*”

As much as I’m happy this witch is willing to share as much information as my brain can fit, I might end up getting too much if she starts to ramble on like that. Let’s just try and keep it simple then.

“Let’s ask the million-dollar question then… what the heck was that? Care to explain the portal crap and why you were on their side?”

That brief comment earlier from Asmodeus and Dionysus about the portals being a result of Hermes and Hecate working together. The fact Hera and Ares thought she was on her side, and then that magical attack happened. It’s a weird twist that honestly seemed unnecessary if mother and a father had just returned.

“It’s not my duty to track where my assets end up, and I never once picked a side in this tedious battle. A potion to create a few portals can end up anywhere. Nyx did ask me to go undercover, but this was something personal. I’d have strangled Hera if I had the chance”

‘So, we just put aside the fact your portals helped the idiotic Gods destroy loads of our settlement because you lost a potion?’

Walking over and getting a look from Asmodeus that’s unfortunately similar to the wife when she subtly tells me to let something go, it just makes me want to complain even more. There’s going undercover and all but this just feels like this woman couldn’t give a rat’s arse! Eh, let’s just presume they’d have gotten access to those portals, regardless of the fact if the witch was helping or not. Witches in this world all freaking suck.

“Potions and alchemy… presume you have a slight history with Loki then?”

Petra gets that question in which I kinda wish I asked. It does seem to bring the somewhat dead looking woman to raise an eyebrow though, she knows that name.

“Huh, you must get around. How is the little scamp? Still obsessed with his crusade against male genitalia? I may have awoken something in him after a punishment gone wrong. How was I supposed to know he’d be looked in that gender for a century? Idiot shouldn’t have booby trapped my cauldron”

‘At least that explains Loki’s looks… and the fact he’s targeting the male world. He can’t get his junk back so everyone else must suffer… or he might just enjoy it as well’

“Heh, think he’s okay… should be fighting in the dwarven kingdom right now”

Oh right, the Ragnarök lot left to get a pick up from my dragon grandfather to help defend the dwarven kingdom. Didn’t mention it because he barely said hello… did I tell you he’s vegan already? Apparently, he’s only just discovered the sinister food that is tofu… I’m sorry but it’s disgusting! The idea is okay, the execution is just wrong.

“You know, this really isn’t the time for such a casual chat… and of course, the timing is impeccable”

Off in the distance, a formation of two phoenixes and two dragons carrying a boat load of people can be seen, finally getting to where the action just happened. If Miss Genderbender wasn’t an idiot, we’d have fought all together and maybe, they wouldn’t have escaped.

(Zeki) “If you kick me again cow, I promise we’ll be doing loops and you’ll break your neck”

(Ria) “Try it girly boy and I’ll rip out your feathers. Oh wait, you’d like that, wouldn’t you bitch?”

(Ariza) “Uh… you two make me want to cry”

(Aphrodite) “This place reeks like Ares … oh, there’s the two children we had! And dead no less… I always wondered where they would end up. That’s annoying they choose the wrong side. Oh well!”

(Uriel) “And magic residue as well no less. It’s awfully nostalgic yet, I’m unsure why”

(Artemis) “Even I can smell that shit Urie-… brother Apollo! Look who’s finally here to kick some ass!”

---

“Hehe… I’ll leave you two for a bit Nat”

“Please don’t Lotte… she’s makes me want to return to knight’s training”

While those lot go to land next to us, Minos and Mute immediately charge off to the parents, with my brother clearly being unable to contain himself.

<Mother and father! Where the heck have you been all these years!? Mute has been abusing me every day!>

<…!>

‘Heh, Mute just gave him a whack like my mother does with father, that was funny… hang on. He’s still too young to be getting whacks like that!’

<Who is this ugly but strapping young dragon? Not close to being as handsome as their devilish old father… although. I can see the resemblance>

<Your jokes are unappreciated Dermakvar. Minos, my child! We’re so happy to see you again!>

<We really shouldn’t since I’ve grown so much… who cares. This is still just as fun>

All three nuzzle up together, even Mute get included in the nuzzling after a minute or two. Sure, I should be jealous and maybe I am a little, but that dragon nuzzling thing always looks cuter when you’re not a part of it. Lot of drool like big slobbering dogs… and I’m no longer jealous.

“Heh, sure you don’t want to join in Ikarus?”

“I’ll save the nuzzling for just us two, thank you very much. So then, my lazy parents, where the hell have you been?”

Just looking around at all that’s happened, especially located around the mages tower, we really could’ve done with two dragons. It’s not as bad as you could imagine, but Ares must’ve had his fun purposely wrecking the place.

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<We’ve been cleaning up the rest of the scourge little one. Those pesky Gods that dare try and rule over this world now best know, they don’t stand a chance to us dragons>

<Thankfully, the other dragons helped out in the capital while we showed our teeth in the smaller areas Ikarus. Most fled but we’ve destroyed a lot as well>

‘At least they were doing something, I suppose. Still though, we need a real report and then a cleanup around here. Let’s just hope that’s it for now…’