My Nihilism Got Me Laid?!

Sunday: church day.

My parents always forced me to go to church growing up.

Like every other kid, it created a disdain for religion rather than an understanding. Despite my protests, they would drag me there for the hour long monologue about some old guy talking to some other old guy.

Needless to say, my rationalist and scientific bratty child brain thought he knew it all; so, I would always belittle my parents' beliefs, saying how irrational of a concept it was...

Whether it's due to me aging and fearing death or the fact that I can't in fact die, my perspective has changed and I have matured...

"To the Lord, we thank. For we shall erect ourselves to reach greater heights."

Hehe... erect

I don't know if it's just my perverse mind or the language of old scripture, but half of these sentences remind me of a sex position.

My god... maybe I do need to go to church. I could cleanse my mind by going to one of those religious retreats... no, those are kind of culty.

"Let us plow our problems; and when faced with an annoyance, turn the other cheek. Amen."

I swear god, this hard on I currently have isn't intended for you. Amen.

The woman finally ends her sermon and we do that awkward part, something about loving thy neighbor and shaking hands with the surrounding people.

When I was given the address to his church, I had hoped the person would be some innocent woman sitting beside me, something simple like an organ falling from above.

But the pastor started this whole thing by introducing herself... and of course she is the target of today, Asher Axel.

I hear a dust bag of a gasp beside me.

The old man standing next to me gives a chuckle as he turns to me. "Oh, aren't you Gravy, the son of the Roisin's?"

The old fart looks at me as though I were christ himself.

Straining a smile, I continue shaking his hand to the point of it being awkward. "Well, my name is Graves, but yes, I am."

"I remember when you were... this tall." His clacking bones rattle as he attempts to bend down and show me how tall I used to be, as though I wasn't there.

"Yea, time flies... clearly." I say, looking at the countless sea of wrinkles that consume the man's face.

The Shar Pei looking man chuckles. "It certainly does. I'm sorry to hear about your grandparents; my wife and I used to always play bingo with them. I never did like your grandfather though, but your grandmother was a nice woman."

Wow, well, he's honest. "That seems to be a recurring theme." I say mustering up a fake laugh. Every male that met my grandfather hated him, and every female... well yea.

"I saw your parents here the other day."

"Oh... did you?" Uh oh... don't say it old man... (ཀ ʖ̯ ཀ)

"They said they are visiting in town and plan on visiting you and your girlfriend."

"Hmm yay." I say, wincing. (¬､¬)

That's not good... I'm unemployed, living of grandpas will, broke up with the girlfriend I had told them I would marry, live with a serial killer, a serial dumbass, and a failed magician, and I have a relationship with 16 different women... (ㅎ_ㅎ)

"They had told me you work in sales. You know, back in my day, we used to trap mice and get a penny for each one we caught; you youngsters have it so much easier...."

My tired eyes glaze over as I mindlessly nod and hmm and ha my way through his NPC dialogue. (ভ﹃ ভ ")

Eventually the old stinky fart gets tired of hearing himself talk and excuses himself.

Waiting for the crowd of families to flood out the church, I patiently skim through the thick book before me.

I dont need to read these thick books, to talk to god. I practically read his texts every morning from the bulletin board.

I still don't know who doing that or why I'm immortal... maybe I'm really in a coma and this is all my imagination.

Once the place is cleared out, I make my way over to the pastor. She's a pretty blonde haired woman with a crown braid. Her hair has hints of white interlaced between the large single braid trailing down her back.

Standing behind her, I begin to understand why people are so obsessed with sexy nuns. Her curvy figure fills the pastor's outfit fully. Her large breasts are hidden only by the thin black cloth, and her plump ass-

What am I saying? I really am a pervert. I just can't stop looking at the curves of her attractive personality the way her thick jiggling charitability makes her so appealing.

There, much better.

She doesn't seem to notice my presence as I loom behind her.

She scoffs. "Pfft, what a bunch of dumbasses. God? As if, bunch of bull I made up on the spot." With a devious grin, she holds up the money stuffed coffer to her face. "Not that I'm complaining, profiting off stupidity is just natural selection."

Huh...

As much as I want to disagree with her immoral morals... "I couldn't agree more." I calmly state.

( ⚆_⚆) Asher whips around with wide eyes. "Who the fuck are yo- I mean..." She strains a close eyed smile. "How can I help you on this fine holy day?"

"You can drop the act. I was the one person who didn't give any money when they came around; so, I already know which way I'm going, come my interview with the reaper."

"I haven't the faintest clue as to what you are referring to. To put on an act before god would be no better than sinning on his very grave.

"Okay, sure whatever. Regardless, are you doing anything today?"

With wide eyes, she puts her hand on her breast with a grasp. "Eh? Are you hitting on your pastor?!"

"While you certainly are my type, this is more of a security service."

"Security? Who's after me?"

How do I put this so that it doesn't sound blasphemous?

Wincing, I strain a smile. "God wants you dead." (–˛ — º)

Her eyes go flat. ( ⩌-⩌) "Riggghhttt."

Turning away, she begins to pack up her belongings.

I reach out in a panic. "Wait! I'm being serious!"

She waves away my concern. "If you really are obsessed with me, my next sermon is tomorrow morning; you can look at me from the seats and fantasize, or do whatever weirdos do."

Shit, now she just thinks I'm some creep. There's no way she will trust me, nevermind being a security detail.

"Just don't jerk off. I had to clean it up the last time some guy did it." She congeals her face. "Worst part was it wasn't due to my beauty; he was literally jacking off to god."

(╭ರ_•́) "Huh?" I state in disbelief.

Nevermind that, time to purchase my one-way track to hell. Black mail time!

"If you don't let me protect you, I'll tell everyone in this church what a hoax you are."

Her eyes widen as she lurches back. "Wha- you wouldn't dare!"

"I'm a terrible person, so, I would."

Her expression of fear recedes into a smug grin. "Well, unlucky for you, I have those dumbasses wrapped around my finger. As long as I say something is for the sake of god they would jump off a bridge. So, they would never believe you."

"That's true, except I have been recording this whole conversation!" I bluff, holding out my phone.

"EH!?" She puts her hands up defensively before pointing at me. "We- well, if you snitch, I'm going to tell god you fell asleep halfway through my sermon!"

My eyes go flat as I side eye her greedy coffer filled with cash. "Firstly, I wasn't even awake for half of it, I was asleep the entire time. Secondly, god and I already have a somewhat... complicated relationship."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not sure myself. Anyway, you lose nothing by letting me shadow you, meanwhile you get to keep your con-man scheme running. So, do we have a deal?"

She winces, staring at my held out hand with uncertainty.

"Fine weirdo, just don't say anything blasphemous when I'm on stage."

"Stage? Do you have another sermon?"

Her eyes straighten as her eyebrows flatten. Taking a sigh of boredom, she groans. "No, it's a religious retreat. We're going out to the woods."

"Eh... that sounds hella boring."

"You're the one who wants to stalk me. Don't come if you don't want to."

Great, we're going out to the woods, so many ways to die in nature. A bear, natural disasters, disease... I'm gonna need the eye of an eagle to keep this woman safe.

We begin to make our way out of the church before she stops and turns to me. "One more thing. If you're going to go on this... retreat, you should know, the people are a little... weird."

I can't help but scoff. "Pfft, don't worry; I'm used to weird people."

She gives a carefree shrug. "Don't say I didn't warn you."