My Nihilism Got Me Laid?!

We1 arrive at the woods where there's already a group of cloaked people mingling amongst themselves.

The location is an open grass plain; in the center is a large wooden church, surrounding it is a bunch of log cabins.

"People actually pay to do this?" I question.

"When faced with death, hope is all we can cling to, this is the hope some cling to."

"That was surprisingly conscientious for a terrible person."

"Wha- I'm not a terrible person, I'm an opportunist."

"hmmm..."

On the other side of the field, a man is preaching to a horde of people surrounding him. His words are empty promises that their so called god would never actually say.

A large balding man comes walking over in a white robe; his beer belly creates an overhang.

"Asher, I'm so glad you were able to make it. It seems you also brought a candidate along with you." He gives a pudgy chuckle.

"How far along are you?" I ask.

Asher's eyes widen as she discreetly kicks me.

The man tilts his head. "I apologize; I don't believe I follow."

Turning back to the plump man, she strains a smile. "Good evening Reverend Plate. I was grateful for the invitation."

"Do you know the gender yet?" I question.

Asher sighs in disbelief.

"Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?" I can't help myself.

He gives a hearty chuckle. "Oh, I see, you're referring to tonight's ritual. Well, we're not sure yet, but we are glad to have people like you to help us out."

"Are you sure it's not twin-"

"Graves..." Asher practically growls at me.

Seems I stepped one step too far; guess I'll back track. "Can I get one of those cool cloaks?"

The chubby man gives a chuckle. "Of course. I'm glad your so enthusiastic about this. Allow me to get you one."

The moment the man leaves, Asher whips her attention to me. "Graves!"

"What?"

"Its like I'm babysitting a kid! Don't make jokes like that."

"Certainly feels like you're my mom, so bossy." (˘•‿•)

"Wha- Dont call me your mom!" (⸝•̀ ⤙ •́⸝⸝⸝)

(• ε •) "Ok mommy." I say that, but she's the shorter than me and likely the same age as me.

The man returns holding a neatly folded cloak and a book. It's strange though, all the male religious figures have black and golden cloaks on, while the females have white and gold. But mine is a vibrant red. Not that I'm complaining, it is my favorite color.

Leaning over, I whisper to Asher. "So is this one of those times you go commando and wear nothing under it... or...."

She gasps before angrily whispering in my ear. "You perv, are you sexually harassing me?!"

"Leaning back, I put my hands up in surrender. "That's not what I was going for." I turn to the chubby man instead, who looks at us with confusion. "Uh... old man dude, are you wearing nothing but your skivvies under your Sith cloak or..."

Asher's jaw drops as she looks at me in disbelief.

I shrug. "What? Does that also count as harassment? It's a genuine question."

"When we are brought into this world we are bare, for that I choose to show only my bare self before god." He puts his hand out.

"Reverend Plate?!"

"Asher, there is no need to be bashful, before god we can only be ourselves. It is not just physically that we must be bare. But as you'll come to find out, we will also reveal our bare emotions to the lord. This camp is a safe place to be your truest self before our god."

The reverand waddles away, leaving us standing there. Asher turns to me.

"I've got to go talk to go talk to the other pastors, your certainly not allowed to come. So just wait somewhere."

"But-" I attempt to protest in fear of fate.

"I'll be fine. My god, now you sound like my mom." "(ノ _ <,, )

With a tired sigh, I sit down on random log of a chair.

"Are you alright, man?" A warm voice questions beside me.

Turning, I notice the foreign couple walking up to me; they too have the vibrant red cloak that I wear.

"Hmm... yea, I'm fine." I say bluntly. I don't really feel like talking to any more religious kooks.

The man sits down on a nearby log. "So, is this also your first time at one of these retreats?"

I can't fathom how people go up and willingly help people nor how people would voluntarily come to a place like this. "Hmm, yeah." At least he doesn't speak in sermon.

"My wife and I have always been avid church goers. So, when Reverend plate offered us this opportunity, we thought it might be interesting. It's the first time we've left the kids at home alone, but we thought this would be a good opportunity for a moment of peace. So, why are you here?"

I really don't want to talk; but I can't always be a douche, so I sigh my way through it. "My... friend invited me."

The wife walks over with a cheerful smile, sharply contrasting my tired statue frown. "Well, do you have any idea what the event here are?"

Probably dance around a campfire naked as they spew out BS the pastors have been preaching. "No clue; don't we sit down and eat bread and wine or something?"

"We are going to pray, it was nice to meet you Graves." After ten minutes of the couple having to drag answers out of me, they politely say goodbye and walk over to the wooden church.

"Hmm... yea, same."

Asher returns with a, told you so look. "See, I'm fine. Nothing odd happened. I think you're just a paranoid freak."

"Is the name calling necessary?"

"You still haven't told me the true reason you're stalking me, so can you blame me for the confusion?"

"Hmm... I guess that's true-"

The Reverend walks back over to us with a wide grin. "We shall begin another event! The scavenger hunt!"

Turning to Asher, I can't help but scoff. "Scavenger hunt? Are we in second grade?"

"You're the one who blackmailed me to stalk me, so if you don't like it, you're free to leave."

From her point of view, I could see how I'm like a bratty teen complaining about a trip he planned.

"Hmm... fine, you're right. But you can't seriously want to do this."

"Well... it does seem a little... strange."

Without actually telling us what, we're looking for the grown adults scatter in a gleeful sprint.

Asher and I pretend to be looking for... something?

"So, how did you end up being a corrupt pastor?"

"Wha- don't fucking call me a corrupt pastor!"

"You take money from people and don't even believe in the cause you spout... my mind is running a blank for other synonyms."

"Wel- My dad was a pastor... he died in some freak accident as his death was a little... unexplained. So without any closure, it sent my mom spiraling, and it left me... alone. So, it's not as though I don't believe in god or my cause. But at the same time, if people are stupid enough to think they can buy their way to God's favor, then perhaps they deserve to be robbed..."

My neutral expression evolves into a chuckling smile.

She lurches back. "Wha- don't laugh at me! I don't even know why I told you any of that."

"I already told you, I agree with that natural selection way of thinking."

"Whatever. So... what's your story, at first I thought you were just some perv, but you've barley looked at me. So why are you so obsessed with me?"

"If your god marked you for death, yet sent a savior, what would you think of god?"

"I'd say gods got too much free time."

With a smirk, I nod. "Yea, I came to the same conclus-"

"FOUND ONE!" One of the cloaked figures points down to the ground.

The reverend pushes his way through the oncoming crowd of people as they surround something in the grass.

With a sigh of boredom, we make our way over to the crowd as they surround an... ant hill?

A trail of red ants comes scuttling out from the mound as they carry a leaf back within.

"Pastor Smith, if you would." The Reverend commands.

A man with a shovel comes walking over.

The group of people back away from the mound, so Asher and I follow suite.

"Uh... so is this a bug collecting religious group or..."

"I... dont know, I've never heard of ants in the gospel."

The burly man drives the shovel into the ground and begins scooping up dirt.

The dirt erupts with thousands of red fire ants as he shovels his way through the colony's tunnel system.

A second burly cloaked man comes over and aids in digging.

After about 10 minutes, the men scoop out a 6 foot rectangle into the ground making it six feet deep.

"Did you guys hide a time capsule and use the fire ants as a way to protect it... or?"

Last warning, it bouta get bloody.