My Nihilism Got Me Laid?!

The first thing I feel is the cool salty breeze of the ocean, its warm and almost comforting.

I slowly open to see the starry night sky, the moon is nearly full as the white light creates a false sense of day.

The steady sound of the waves rush up the shore before receding back into the ocean.

I hear sniffling behind me as tears patter into the sand. "Good bye Graves. Thank you for everything."

For some reason my back feels like its on rubbery foam... and why am I rocking?

Sitting up, I see that I'm out in open water on a surfboard. She was sending me out to sea as a Hawaiian funeral. "What the hell Scylla?!"

Kneeling on the shore with her head down, she holds her hands in prayer while weeping. "It feels like I can still hear your voice."

"That's cause you can, dumbass!"

"Even in death, you are just as harsh as you were when you were living."

Going down on my stomach, I begin to paddle back to shore. "That's cause I am still alive!"

She slowly lifts her head. "Rest in peace Gra- AHHH! Ghost!"

I'm to tired to even put up with this; jumping off the surfboard, my feet splash into the inch deep water. Walking towards her, I sit down beside her as I lean my head back into the sand.

She is looking at me with shaking eyes. "What a calm ghost!"

With a sigh, I lean my head in her direction. "You're not hurt, right?"

"Oh... no, I'm fine." Her eyes widen as cautiously pokes me. "Yo- is that actually you, Graves?"

"In the flesh."

Without warning, she hugs me. "Thank you! Thank you! You- I was terrified, I thought- I don't know- when you were attacked, the guilt has begun to consume me. But you survived... and saved me twice...

Her sudden expression shift shocks me. Cautiously putting my arm around her, I calmly pat her back. "Scylla..."

She jumps off me. "Oh, I mean, well done showing your loyalty to your god!" Crossing her arms, she turns away, attempting to cover her tears. "Perhaps I could forgive you for the earlier ticket."

I give a playful chuckle. "Arn't you the generous one?" Biting my cheek, I sigh, fearing the answer, "So... what exactly happened?"

"Well, as you know, there was a bull shark who strayed too far from the normal migration route and it attacked you, then a swordfish impaled your heart as you were coming to shore."

"Wha- how?! That really was a swordfish?! Don't they live in 100 foot waters?!"

She gives a gasp of remembrance, as she reaches between her cleavage cutout and pulls out two twenties. "Oh, yeah, heres $40 dollars."

"...uh... for what?"

"A fisherman came over and asked if he could have the swordfish that impaled you for $40 and I said sure."

"Well, you just got scammed, usually they are worth at least a $1000... then again, I guess I'm the one who got scammed."

"A thousand?!"

She yanks the flare gun out of the holster wrapped around her thigh. "I'm going to go show that old coot what happens when someone tries to scam me, a goddess!"

"Lets not do that." Scratching my head, suddenly I become enraged as well. "Speaking of revenge, did they hunt down that damn shark?"

She sits back down beside me. "No... they said it was nowhere to be seen." For some reason she looks guilty. "Sorry, I didn't really do anything, so I'm sure that annoys you."

( ,,⩌︿⩌,,) "It's fine, I'll come back with a harpoon and Captain Ahab, we'll get the revenge kill."

A silence ensues, yet it doesn't feel awkward as we both lie in the sand looking up at the starry night sky, our bodies are bathed in the moon's white light.

In the distance, the vibrant flickering city glows with a vapor wave like theme.

"Why do you think we exist?" Scylla breaking the silence with such a deep question.

"Why?"

I take a moment, truly pondering the question, as I have asked myself this question more times than I could count. It's the very question that got me in this situation, saving random women, and getting into inevitably deadly situations.

The chaos and ecstasy have masked this question, pushing it to the background of my mind.

"I dont know." I say, finally giving up on the impossible equation.

"Doesn't that scare you? The idea that you could be gone any second and it wouldn't change a thing." She continues looking up at the stars with tired eyes. "Day after day, my day never feels justified, it never feels complete. I continue moving, but to what? Why do my actions feel incomplete?"

"And you dont know why I exist, yet you don't want to die? So what is it that makes us want to continue living?" I sigh, speaking as though finishing her sentence.

Her expression widens as she turns to me with watery eyes. "You, get it! So, I'm not alone..."

I can't help but scoff. "Humans are proficient in forgetting that which hurts them to think about. Every person on earth feels the same way, those who say otherwise are just experts at fooling themselves. Consciousness, a gift that we alone have been given, yet it's a gift with thorns."

That explains her power trip, a futile attempt to create meaning, to grapple onto someone to remember her, to tell her the importance of her actions.

"So I can't tell you why you exist; I can only decide why I do. And that is to find out."

"To... find out?"

"Our life's mission is to justify our own existence, a fruitless battle that leaves no winners. But it's a war we're all forced to fight in the moment we are brought into consciousness. Beacuase... we have no purpose."

Based on her expression, my words didn't help...

Her golden eyes now look sunk, empty, as though she knew this answer all along, yet continued fighting just for the sake of hope.

And that raises a new question: is it better to know the truth or to live with the false hope of ignorance?

Even so, she doesn't cry, but I can practically see the lump in her throat as her breathing slows and her body slouches. The warm salty air blows through her patriotic hair, as her gaze has lost its excited shimmer.

"Scylla, I'm sor-"

"Thank you, Graves." Through her depressed face, she strains a warm smile. Like a crumbling bridge, she gives a weak giggle. "Nothing matters. That, too, is a double-edged sword. So perhaps thank you isn't the word, but thank you for changing my world- for waking me up."

"I didn't do anything like that, don't read into what I said."

"If my actions don't matter, then it also means I have been freed of responsibility; it's as you said, I am my own meaning."

She kneels there, her eyes begin to shake, as though conveying her inner thoughts, the inner conflicts of the meaning of these words to her existence. Finally crumbling, her eyes begin to water.

The wind breezes past, pushing the tears over her eyelids, causing them to stream down her cheeks as she tilts her head. "Graves, can I hug you?"

I make the first move, embracing her in a confident hold. I am many things, a snake, a nihilist, and above all a scummy person, but I am proud to say... I am a good hugger.

Her eyes widen before she leans into meet the hug. AS though a damn crashing open, her feelings are released. "I'm scared! What if I disappoint myself, what If I am never who I'm supposed to be?"

"Then that was never you. You are the creation of your decisions, whoever you are in this moment is the combination of every desire and hope you have ever had."

Scylla on the other hand, was a less skilled hugger, her embrace a desperate squeeze, as though holding onto life itself; her body trembling as she begins choking on her tears. In this, a part of me is jealous of her, so emotional about her life, so much hope and care for herself.

Even before my immortality, it always felt cold, as though justifying my existence was cowardly, selfish, and pointless. It's not as though saving these women changes much of anything, what is 12 deaths in the scope of 8 billion people, in all the universe.

Despite the insignificance of my actions, just seeing the aftermath, their smiles, their life continuing... it makes purpose seem irrelevant. I am content with having no purpose, and just seeing them live.

As we lie on the beach, the waves roll in, seagulls caw, while the mellow atmosphere makes the stars feel infinite.

Her tears have receded, her shifting causes the elastic of her swimsuit to stretch. Our hug has loosened, yet not released; it has become a relaxed yet intertwined connection. As she wraps her body around me, the red white and blue hair shimmers in the moonlight.

Today was different;

There was no sex,

just uncertainty,

love,

and a cooperative loneliness.

Her words are muffled as she buries her face in my chest.

"...Thank you Graves..."