My Nihilism Got Me Laid?!

I know it's probably an innate trait of humans to warn one another of danger, but why do people scream so much? They cheer at the smallest victories, and they scream at the smallest scares.

"JIMMY! JIMMY WHERE ARE YOU!?"

My ears practically bleed as I stand beside the distressed mother and Scylla. Everypart of me wants to let the woman find her son herself; but due to scyllas involvement, I can get a pretty educated guess that my heroics have just begun...

"Ma'am whats wrong?"

"It's my son! I told him he could swim if he stayed along the shore... but he's gone! My precious Jimmy!"

"Dont worry miss, I will make sur-"

"Your supposed to be a life guard! How could you let this happen?!" Nothing is worse than a mother's rage... okay there's a few things, genocide, nuclear war, etc. Nevertheless the mother doesn't seem all that happy.

Stomping forward, she aggressively pokes at Scylla. "You were supposed to be watching the water! Where is you supervisor? I need to tell them a how terrible of a job you have been doing."

This woman's son is currently drowning who knows where and she wants to talk to her supervisor. That's honestly... pretty funny.

Syclla's eyes widen as she her eyes dart around. "Wel- I'm sorry if you don't like-"

"I am the supervisor." I lie.

They both turn to me with wide eyes.

With a nod, I lean in and whisper to Scylla. "Go find the kid; I'll distract mama hen."

Her warm smile returns as she gives a nod of affirmation. "Leave it to me Graves!"

With that Scylla bolts away, scouting the shores for the missing boy.

Just as I had promised, the mother has adverted her attention, and redirected it to me.

"So you're the supervisor. Well, I have quite a bit to say to you, firstly, your staff has been doing a terrible job protecting the beach.

Well, I just needed to distract her for that single moment, and I did it, so I treat our conversation like I'm a minimum wage person from a call center in a third world country.

"You need to do a better job of vetting your applicants!"

Sarcastically raising my eyebrows, I robotically nod. "Hmm... mmm hmmm, wow, yes, you are very right, miss." (¬_¬)

"It's because of these darn phones that the 5g is polluting the water and making my poor angel, Jimmy, lose his motor neurons."

"What are you even talking about?"

"I saw an article online about it, so I do know what I'm talking about. The vaccines that the government is pushing is an attempt to control the youth, well I won't allow myself nor my family be played the fool.

"Sounds like poor little Jimmys' going to die of tetanus before drowning."

Her eyes narrow as she puts her hands on her hips. "What is that supposed to mean? Are you working with the government?! I knew it!"

Whoops, did I say that out loud? "I mean, this is public property, so I suppose I do work for the government." If I actually was the supervisor, that is.

"You admitted it! I knew it! You're pushing your 5G mind control the male youth into becoming evil monsters."

"I really dont know what you're talking about, lady, but whatever it is sounds like it would make a good plot for a fantasy novel."

"Acting all innocent, but I know you're using satellites to try to control my mind!"

...huh? ( ╹ -╹)?

I would say she's lost the plot, but she never actually set up a plot, so she's just lost.

Might as well play along.

Wiggling my fingers, I begin marching towards the woman with a creepy face on. ԅ(´ڡ`ԅ) "Oooohh, that's right! I am a minimum wage lifeguard who is also the right hand of the government! And you are the next target of MK ultra!"

She lets out a scream and begins running away from me.

"Come back, miss! You need your 5g vaccine!" \\(─‿‿─)/ Hehe.

Well, that solves my end of the problem, how is- ( °ㅁ°) !! Shit! Saving her from getting fired doesn't count as saving her life!

Where is Scylla?!

Whipping my head left and right, I scan the beach for her vibrant red and white appearance.

Eventually I find her; she's 35 feet from the shore with a kid in her arms. She's struggling to keep him up while also staying above the waves. Even so, she's using all her strength to keep the screaming kids' head above water, even at the cost of her own safety.

Without hesitation, I bolt out to the water, straining my legs as I aggressively wade through the water.

Reaching deeper ocean, I begin swimming out to meet her. "Scylla!"

Her head is barely above the water, but she manages to a gurgled shout. "Gr-ve-!"

Eventually I reach her. As we reunite, she looks at me with that warm expression of relief. "Graves... thank yo-" Her expression shifts to a wide eyed terror.

Her eyes no longer stare into mine, but instead behind me.

I do not turn in a frenzy; I know I am about to die; I would prefer to never see it. What I can't see can't hurt me.

Instead, I just look at Scylla with pity, not for her, but a pity for myself. "So how was your day, Scylla?" I sigh.

Suddenly I am zooming past the two of them as something pushes me forward...

Ow...

OW!

OW!

"FUCKIGN SHIT?!" I finally turn to look behind me, a fucking bull shark has its teeth sunk into my lower abdomen!

The fuckin- OW! The stupid ass shark is thrashing- FUCK!! Let me have my inner monologue!

"I'm immortal, you dumbass shark! When I get out of here, I'm going to send a fleet of fishing ships after you to turn you into shark fin soup!" Aimlessly flailing my arms, I manage to slam my elbow against the thing, hitting into its nose.

It releases its death grip on me as it violently whips its tail back and forth in a desperate attempt to flee.

flailing my arms up, I resurface, clawing for air.

"Graves!" Scylla screams.

"I'm fine, just go!"

Man, Im so heroic-

Behind me the there is a commotion in the water. I hear violent splashing approaching as a shark tail and fin slap the water as the creature thrusts itself forward.

I let out a shout as the shark sinks its shark serrated teeth into my hand.

Like a drive by, it bites my hand clean off, turning it into a bloody knub before speeding away.

With Scylla having made it to shore with the boy, theres no longer a reason for me to hang around, and with the water now shallow enough for me to at least plant my feet, I attempt to retreat.

Fighting the denseness of the water, I wade forward, practically clawing for the shore.

Making it to shore, I cheer!

I flip the stupid thing off with my hand and my remaining knub of the other.

╭∩╮( •̀_•́ )╭╮ "Fuck you stupid shark! I lived and global warming's gonna kill you!" -and probably me too.

With my anger having subsided, I exhale with a smile. "Scylla, you're not hurt, are you?

"Graves...you ... you saved me."

"Yea... don't worry about it." I say very nonchalantly and cooly and... awesomly.

"But... your hand!"

"Its fine, it'll grow back. I'm like a starfish."

"Graves..." She looks at me with caution before turning to me. "I thin-"

Suddenly there's a loud splash looking down, the motherfucking shark is back!?

Having leap from the sea, it temporarily beaches itself, grabbing my leg and dragging me back into the water.

Reaching my hand out the last thing I see is Scylla's petrified face as she tries to run after me.

The world around me is covered in bubbles; my words have become gargled as I fail to form a sentence. "Wha- da fuk?!"

using my free leg, I kick the snout of the big oaf as it whips is head left and right.

This time it doesn't retreat, instead, clenching down its teeth, it rips my leg clean off- except it's not clean at all! Every single muscle fiber is yanked and pulled to its absolute limit before being snapped.

My screams are suppressed by the vast blue of the ocean.

Flailing my arms around, I struggle to swim up to the surface, the area around me now a cloud of red.

My eyes dart around as I prepare for another attack... but the shark is long gone as I watch it swim away with my leg in its mouth, the trail of blood following it like a visible scent.

I AM NOT GOING TO JINX THIS!

Wiggling my body like a seal, I try to make my way back to shore.

Inches away from the sandy beach, something looks like it's approaching me from the depths of the ocean...

( ㅍ _ㅍ) what is that?

Is that... a sword fish?

Oh, yeah... it is.

( ⩌_⩌) Of course it is.

like a speeding bullet, I only see it for a moment before it lodges its sharp, splintering nose into my chest.

I don't know what I did to fuck off Poseidon, but ..fuck ..him ..t...o....o-