Inescapable Escapism

I squeezed some of the moisture out of my hair, continuing to towel dry it. Blowdrying it would work faster, and I knew that, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It would make Mom happier, though. I wouldn’t be able to get my hair fully dry using just a towel before we had to go out, and that would make me look messy. I’d seem like I didn’t care about my appearance. I couldn’t bring myself to actually worry about that, though. Just the thought of having to repeatedly lift my hairdryer and brush made me feel exhausted.

My arms ached. They were so tired from all the swimming I’d been doing recently, and using the towel felt like less effort, even though I knew it probably wasn’t. Plus, it would be mostly dry by the time we got to wherever we were going for lunch, and that was enough for me.I wasn’t actually sure where we were going. Mom might have said when she came into the pool to tell me, but I couldn’t remember. I was barely paying attention to what she was saying; I was too distracted by trying to hide my tears and process what I’d been told in the other world.

Shock. I think I was in shock. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact that, not only had I not been kicked out, but I hadn’t been given a specialism because I had a choice. I was equally good at everything and showed promise. Potential. I’d done well. Ms Brice’s words echoed through my head again, and I felt my eyes start to burn. I couldn’t cry, not again. It was just… hearing someone tell me that I’d done well was so overwhelming. I wasn’t used to it.

That wasn’t it, though. My mind kept floating back to what Ms Brice had said about my future. I could choose to do whatever I wanted, whatever I enjoyed most. The thought filled me with such hope and excitement, and that made me feel unsteady. Before, thinking about the future and trying to plan it made me so anxious. It caused my stomach to churn and my breathing to quicken, but that had changed. Now… I felt my lips lift into a smile. I didn’t feel any anxious about the future.

It had been decided for me, in a way. I’d been handed a career, and although I still had an element of choice, it was less intimidating. It was narrower, more specific. It wasn’t a case of trying to choose a career almost at random from a vast number of possibilities; I could just choose from the few specific options they’d given me. And I had help. Ms Brice had said we’d be having frequent meetings to discuss my progress and how I was doing.

The idea of that was both scary and reassuring. I liked Ms Brice, but there was something so… powerful about her. She was clearly high up in the Academy and Department. The fact that she’d be overseeing my development was stressful, but it also made me wish I had someone like her in real life.

My hands slowed, and I stared at my reflection as a realisation hit me. It didn’t really matter that I didn’t have anyone in my normal world. I had Ms Brice, and I knew what I wanted to do in the future, so I could just… work towards that. I could learn all the skills I needed in the spy world and use those in the real world. They were so similar; there was so much that applied to both places. I could use that. If I worked really hard in the other world, by the time I was ready to start working, I’d know everything I needed to become a spy.

Did I need to wait that long, though? I wasn’t really sure. As far as I was aware, there was no Academy in my usual world. I’d never heard anyone mention it, but then they wouldn’t if it were real. It was meant to be secret; it would be pointless if people knew about it. Maybe it did exist, and it was just hidden. I’d never come across it.

But then, I hadn’t done any of the tests for it like I did in the other world. We just had our regular exams, nothing extra. So, if it did exist, maybe they recruited people another way. I started to reach out towards my phone, planning on googling it, before stopping myself. I didn’t even know what I would search if I wanted to, but it was a stupid idea. Firstly, the chances of there being information about a hidden government agency online felt low. Secondly, if the information was there, I felt like they’d be monitoring it in some way.

If I did find something, and the government were about to track me down, they’d want to know how I learnt about the Academy. How would I answer that? I’d need to tell them about the other world and my daydreams or whatever they were, and then what? They might not believe me, and I’d understand that. I wouldn’t believe that anyone had the ability to fantasise about other worlds and could learn information there that was applicable to the real world either. That sounded ridiculous.

So, all I could do was wait. I’d wait until I graduated and prepare in the meantime. I could learn everything I needed to know and then become a spy. But… how does someone become a spy? Would I have to go to university, or could I do it straight from school? And was it just like any other job where I’d just apply for it and they might hire me, or did it require something else? Some other application process? I had no clue.

I started to reach for my phone again, pulling up Safari and searching ‘how to become a spy’. My eyes darted back and forth as I read quickly, very conscious that I was meant to be getting ready to go out for lunch. The information wasn’t great, which wasn’t particularly surprising to me. I’d probably need a degree from what I could see, and then I could just apply straight to some of the different agencies. They had graduate programmes, and that seemed like the best route.

Glancing at my bedroom door, I closed the tab and cleared my history. The chances of Mom going through my phone were low, but I didn’t want to risk her seeing me search something like that. It didn’t matter, not really, but she would tease me mercilessly. And then she’d tell people. I knew she’d get great pleasure from telling people that I was clinging to the wild and unrealistic dream of being a spy. It was stupid, the kind of thing kids say, not adults.

But spies did exist. I knew that, and my Google search had confirmed it. It might be a hard career to get into, but it still happened, which meant I could do it. I just needed to finish school and get into university first. But what would I study? That thought stumped me. The web pages I’d seen weren’t particularly fussy about it. They seemed to say that any degree was useful, which meant I had a choice.

I’d always assumed that I’d go to university. My mom had said that I had to, and my teachers always told us we should go. Most jobs require a degree nowadays, apparently. I wasn’t sure how true that was; I’d never looked into it. But I’d also never really thought too hard about what I’d study. Nothing really appealed to me before. Not enough to want to dedicate my life to studying it or working in the area.

That wasn’t the case anymore, though. It felt like everything was interesting to me; I wanted to know everything. Being limited to studying just one thing felt horrible, so restricting. I wanted it all. But I wasn’t sure when that had changed or why. It was mostly gradual, but it had definitely gotten more intense over the last week or so.

Maybe it had started because of Mitch, though. That would make sense. He was the first person who really showed me how vital knowledge was. Being around him and his sheer enthusiasm for learning had been so… I wasn’t quite sure, but it made me want to learn. And then being in the Academy only made that worse. Rodgers was like Mitch in a way. They both had that same passion and used actual examples to explain why it was important to learn. Everything he and the other tutors had said just reinforced everything that Mitch had told me.

But that wasn’t it. There was more to it than just being around people who cared about learning. It was the other worlds I’d been to. Since I started daydreaming or whatever it was that I was doing, it felt like I’d lived a million lives. I’d done so much, been so many different versions of me. Each time, I’d learnt something, gained something. I could feel that I’d come away from every single world with a new experience or passion. I’d developed such strength and confidence, especially from that last world where I’d been a pirate or spy or whatever I was.

Every single time, I became better. Better able to deal with life and put up with my mom. It was still hard, of course. I still doubted myself and didn’t really like myself, but I had something. There was something inside of me pushing me on. I was becoming a better version of myself.

I met my gaze in the mirror, standing tall. There was a slight blurriness around my face. It was almost like I was seeing the ghost of the other faces, the other people I’d been, on my own. There was an arch to my eyebrow, a cockiness that I didn’t quite possess, and the hint of a scar on my cheek that hadn’t been there that morning.

My eyes slammed shut as I winced, a flashback gripping me. A bottle flew towards my face, accompanied by cruel words, and I tensed, waiting for the bitter kiss of pain to shoot across my cheek. But it didn’t come. Slowly, I opened my eyes again. My reflection had returned to normal. It was just me, the me I recognised. No hint of any other version of me.

Fear was still making my heart race even though I knew I was safe. There was no one in the room with me. I knew there wouldn’t be, but that didn’t stop me from looking around. I just had to check. That was one thing that I’d gained from the fantasies. It wasn’t all good things; I was definitely twitchier than I was before. More paranoid, too.

The creeping sensation that someone was watching me had been lingering for a little while. I wasn’t sure when exactly it had started; I’d been mostly trying to ignore it. It made me feel nervous and on edge. It was stupid, just unfounded paranoia, and I knew that, but it was still there. Even as I stood in my room, completely alone and trying to dry my hair, the feeling hovered at the back of my mind.

I looked around again, my eyes sweeping the room and focusing on the corners. There were no cameras there, obviously. Why would there be? My grandparents assumed that I was up to no good and didn’t trust me, but they wouldn’t think to put cameras in my room, and there was no one else who would be able to do it. No one else had access to the house. Apart from the housekeeper. She could have done it.

No, that was stupid. There were no cameras; I couldn’t see any. My eyes scanned the room again and landed on the window. I swallowed, staring at the forest in the distance. The canopy was dense, which made it unlikely, but someone could have been watching me from there. They could have a telescope set up and pointing at my room, tracking my every movement as I stared right back at them.

A dizziness pulled at my mind, demanding my attention, but I shoved it aside and dove towards the window. I pulled the curtains shut, my chest heaving as a shiver danced along my spine. I was being ridiculous. Stupid. There was no one watching me and no one in the woods. There never was. I’d run through it enough times, and I could count the number of people I’d ever come across on one hand. Even so, I couldn’t help but glance over my shoulder at the curtains as I started to leave my room. I was taking too long. Mom would be waiting for me.

Movement caught my eye as I stepped into the hallway, and I looked across as my mom exited her room. She glanced up at me, her expression startled for just a second.

“You’re ready,” she said.

I wasn’t sure if it was a question or not, but still, I felt the need to answer it.

“Yes.”

She pursed her lips as her gaze moved up and down, scanning my appearance.

“Did you not dry your hair?”

The urge to roll my eyes fluttered weakly within me, but I ignored it. I was too shaken to actually care about what she was saying.

“I just used a towel, but it’s pretty much dry now.”

She sighed heavily and started walking along the corridor.

“It’ll get frizzy,” she said, curling her lip in disgust as if frizzy hair was the worst thing in the world.

“I used hair oil.”

That might have been a lie. I couldn’t actually remember if I had or not. Mom glanced at me, her expression making it clear that I hadn’t.

“You should use more,” she told me. “Or try another brand. It doesn’t look like this one is doing enough.”

I made a noncommittal noise as I started to climb down the stairs, not waiting for my mom. She was already wearing her heels, and that made her steps slower. Maybe it was mean not to wait, but I didn’t really care. Maybe she’d be so focused on trying to keep up with me that she wouldn’t even talk.

It was a hopeful thought, but I wasn’t that lucky.

“Are you sure you want to join me for lunch?” she asked. “I mean, you’re not even wearing any make-up. You can stay here if you want.”

I knew it was meant as an insult. She wanted me to think that she didn’t want to be seen with me if I wasn’t wearing make-up or that I shouldn’t leave the house without it. For a moment, I was genuinely tempted to take her up on that offer. She could go out to lunch, and I could stay home and have a couple of hours by myself. The house would be so quiet and peaceful, and I wouldn’t need to worry about her walking in and accusing me of something.

But I couldn’t do that. I’d been alone in the house so many times before, but the very thought of it scared me. It terrified me. I knew that I’d spend the whole time panicked and paranoid, convinced that I was being watched or that someone would try to break into the house or something. That would be easy. The doors barely locked. They were old and got stuck more often than not. One well-placed kick would be all it took.

“I’m pretty hungry,” I told her, slipping my feet into the trainers I’d left by the front door.

I didn’t hear her response. The dizziness had already enveloped me, and I blinked, looking around the pristine corridor that I was walking along before letting out an unsteady breath. I was back in the induction wing, my folder clutched to my chest as I moved towards the dining room where everyone else would be. I was walking slowly though, trying to take as long as possible.

My face was no longer red. I had checked before I’d left Ms Brice’s bathroom, but it still felt a little puffy. Embarrassment gripped me again. They’d been so good, but I was still so humiliated. After I’d come out of the bathroom, which was painfully difficult to do, they’d been quick to reassure me that my reaction was completely normal. Apparently, people cried all the time when they found out they were staying. I wasn’t quite sure if I believed that, but it didn’t matter. They moved on to another topic, talking about the classes I’d be taking once I left the induction wing. Some things were limited until then.

The way they talked had made my stomach clench and my eyes burn again. There was so much certainty in their voice, and not even a hint of doubt. They both believed that I would be able to graduate from the induction wing, and that almost made me believe it too. I wanted to. The classes they’d mentioned were so fun and exciting sounding, like learning how to drive. I wanted to learn in real life too, but I was too young. That didn’t matter in the Academy. Apparently, it was something we all had to do, and there were roads and even a track somewhere in the grounds that we could practice on.

Voices floated towards me, and I paused, glancing at the door. I was almost at the dining room, and I didn’t really want to go in. They’d be talking about their results again, like always, and I’d finally be able to join in. I was scared to, though. I didn’t want to compare myself to others, and the thought of telling them that I hadn’t been given a specialism made my stomach turn.

Rodgers and Ms Brice had said it was a good thing, but what if it wasn’t? What if it wasn’t that I was equally good at everything and showed a lot of promise, but instead, I was equally bad at everything? I stopped, tightening my grip on the folder. No. It wasn’t that. I’d shown too much improvement. That’s why I hadn’t been given a specialism. I had too much promise, not none.

I tried to repeat that to myself again and again, but it didn’t help the anxiety that fluttered in my chest. There was nothing I could do, though. I was basically at the dining room already, and I was locked in the induction wing. I’d need to face everyone at some point, so I might as well do it sooner rather than later. Laughter reached through the door as I stood there, one hand poised and ready to push it open. My friends were in there, the rest of my cohort too. I needed to just ignore my anxiety and get on with it.

Sucking in another deep breath, I walked into the room. For a moment, no one noticed me, but then all conversation stopped.

“Grace!” Katie cried, throwing herself out of her seat and running towards me. “I was so worried!”

She slammed into me and wrapped me tightly in her arms. I wasn’t sure how to respond, but I hugged her back. Her relief was clear, and that brought a smile to my face.

“Your meeting took so long,” Abbie remarked as she walked over to us, but Katie still refused to let go. “I was almost sure that you’d been kicked out for some reason.”

“I told them you wouldn’t be, though,” Scott said me with a grin.

“Yeah, but you didn’t say that Rodgers told you two that until just now,” Seth said, punching him lightly on the shoulder.

Katie pulled back, staring at me intently.

“Are you okay? How did it go?” she asked.

I laughed, torn between enjoying the attention and feeling bad that they had been worried about me. The way Seth was looking at me helped, though. I liked that he was glad I was staying.

“I’m okay!” I told them. “It was fine. Just kind of went over the same stuff as you all did.”

“And?” Abbie demanded excitedly. “What’s your aptitude? Is it fieldwork too?”

“Umm,” I said with an awkward laugh, unsure what else to say.

Could I just blurt it out? That seemed like the worst way to do it, but my brain was empty. I couldn’t think of any other way to explain.

“Are you hungry?” Seth asked before I could say anything else. “Sorry, I know you were about to tell us, but you barely ate any lunch. I can take your folder for you so you can grab some food?”

I glanced at him, surprised by his offer. I wasn’t quite sure, but I think he noticed how uncomfortable I was by Abbie’s question. I just needed a few more minutes to work out how to explain, and he’d given me that.

“Yeah, that would be good,” I said. “I’m starving.”

He smiled at me as I handed him my folder and walked towards the buffet. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me as I moved along the food and loaded up my tray. He was right; I really hadn’t eaten much lunch. Or breakfast. In fact, I’d barely eaten at all for the last few days due to anxiety, and now I was ravenous.

With a heaped plate, I walked towards the table and took the empty seat in between Seth and Katie, starting to eat immediately. It tasted so good that I almost let out a moan. The pasta was absolutely perfect, and I couldn’t help but wolf it down.

“So?” Abbie asked after a few seconds.

I looked up at her, realising that everyone was watching me expectantly. Not just my friends, but the rest of the cohort. They were all sending me furtive looks, clearly listening in and waiting to hear what I was about to say. But I hadn’t worked it out yet.

“What?” I asked, hoping to buy myself some time.

Seth snored lightly and tried to cover it by coughing.

“So, what’s your specialism?” Abbie asked again.

“Uhh… I don’t have one.”

It was really the best thing I could think of to say.