Inescapable Escapism

“Hello, Grace! It’s good to see you again,” Ms Brice called with a warm smile as I followed Rodgers into her office.

My knees shook as I returned the smile.

“It’s nice to see you too,” I said, quickly looking around the room.

It was much nicer than I expected it to be. I wasn’t sure why I thought it wouldn’t be nice; the rest of the Academy had been beautiful from what I’d seen. It was large and spacious. Framed photos and certificates dotted the walls, and a large window looked out over the grounds, but I tried not to stare, too aware that I wasn’t meant to see any other part of the school whilst still in the induction period. Instead, I found myself looking at Ms Brice again.

She looked pretty much identical to how she’d looked the last time I saw her. She was dressed in a well-tailored suit, but her jacket had been removed and slung over the back of her chair. There were bags under her eyes now, though, and I was pretty sure they hadn’t been there when I had seen her before. She looked tired despite her smile, but that made sense. Charlie had said that she’d been away. Part of me wanted to ask where she’d been, but I stayed silent as I slipped into the seat in front of the desk.

“How are you adjusting to life at the Academy?” Ms Brice asked as Rodgers edged around the desk and took the empty chair beside her.

“Um… I’m enjoying it,” I said, feeling awkward. There was a pause, and it felt like Ms Brice was waiting for me to say more, so I quickly added, “It’s definitely an adjustment. I mean, it’s really different to my life at home, but I like it. It’s really cool getting to learn so many different things…”

It still felt like I hadn’t said enough, but Ms Brice smiled at me and nodded.

“I’m glad. From what I’ve heard, you’re acclimating and doing extremely well in your classes. There haven’t been any complaints or concerns,” Ms Brice said. “In fact, I’ve received compliments!”

A grin stretched over my face, and I looked down quickly as my heart fluttered with pride. It was a strange sensation, not one I was used to. Having a teacher, or anyone really, tell me that I was doing well felt weird. Wrong in a way. It was nice to hear, of course. It just hadn’t happened before.

My smile wavered. Maybe they’d got the wrong person. That would make more sense. It was a small class, only a handful of us usually, but it could still happen. Maybe they thought I was Abbie. She was doing great in all her classes; that would make more sense than me. I was doing okay. Not great, but not badly either.

But she’d already had her meeting. Surely if they’d mixed them up, someone would have caught it already. And the teachers knew me. Most of them did, anyway. So, did that mean that they hadn’t mixed us up? That I was actually doing well? If so, that must mean that I would be able to stay, wouldn’t it? Rodgers had said that I was. Maybe he wasn’t mistaken.

Unless he was. Maybe that’s why Ms Brice was complimenting me. It was intentional. They were trying to butter me up before sending me home. Or not home. Away somewhere. They were complimenting me to keep my hopes up and keep me believing that I could still work for the Academy someday. But I didn’t want that. I couldn’t.

I blinked and dug my nails into my palm. Ms Brice had started speaking again, and I wasn’t listening.

“Here,” she said, holding a folder out to me.

“Thanks,” I muttered as I took it.

I stared down at it, unable to bring myself to open it. I knew what the thick white folder was; I’d seen dozens of them already. Every single other person in the induction wing had the same folder with their name neatly printed on the front, just like the one in my hand. My test scores would be in there. The decisions that they’d made about me.

Despite desperately wanting to know what it said, I was frozen. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything more than stare at the mostly blank front.

“You can open it and look through it if you want,” Ms Brice prompted me, her tone gentle.

There was no way I could ignore that. It was an instruction, even if it didn’t feel like it. Numbly, I turned the first page and stared at the columns of text inside. My photo was at the top. I didn’t remember it being taken, but it must have happened on the bus. I recognised the wall behind me.

“You probably already know what’s in there,” Rodgers said. “It’s a curse that comes with being so late to have your meeting, but unfortunately, that was unavoidable.”

I swallowed, feeling my heart start to race.

“Why?” I asked before I could stop myself.

Was that a mistake? It felt like it. I was just a kid; I shouldn’t have been asking questions. Rodgers looked to Ms Brice to answer, and I did the same.

“It’s… because of your results,” she said, her tone even. “But we’ll come on to that later. It’s nothing to worry about.”

I still did, though. How could I not? I’d done something wrong, I knew it. I’d failed one of the tests, probably the maths test, and I was being sent home because of it.

“Oh,” I said softly, unsure of what to say.

My eyes were fixed on the papers on my lap as I tried desperately not to cry. It would be so pathetic. I’d be laughed at as they kicked me out. I couldn’t do that, no matter how much my eyes burnt. Forcing myself to breathe evenly, I tried to read the words on the paper in front of me again. I couldn’t, though. There were too many acronyms, and my brain was only half working. The other half was fixated on the fact that I might not be staying and trying frantically to figure out a way to change that.

“We’ll run through your results, and then go from there. How does that sound?” Rodgers asked, and I looked up at him.

I didn’t trust my voice to be even, so I just nodded instead of saying anything.

“Great! We’ll start with the medical results because that’s the section most people are worried about,” Ms Brice said. “Well, the good news is everything came back negative. There were no signs of anaemia or any other deficiencies, which is fantastic to hear. The lab also didn’t find any concerning markers either.”

“Oh, wonderful,” I muttered, my eyes scanning the paper again.

“And, as for your academic results…” Ms Brice trailed off, and I looked up to see her staring at her computer screen.

She was silent as her gaze bounced back and forth. After what felt like an eternity, I glanced at Rodgers, hoping he’d tell me what she was looking at.

“Turn to page four,” he said.

I hurried to follow his instruction.

I’d seen the page before, I realised. It was the one that was passed around most by the other people in my cohort. The table showed an overview of the results along with a comment as to if it was good or not. The word ‘average’ was written beside almost every single subject for me, and I felt my heart sink.

That’s why I was being kicked out, I was certain of it. I wasn’t excelling in anything; I was just average. Boring, normal and unexceptional. Ms Brice had made a mistake in selecting me, and the proof was on the paper in my hands.

“You’re in the expected range for almost every class, which is wonderful,” Ms Brice noted. “There are, of course, a couple where you’re a little below average. Foreign languages and mathematics are the main points of concern, but we were already aware of that from your school reports.”

I nodded, unable to look up at her for any longer. I should have expected that. It was the same as in real life and Mitch’s world. I was bad at language and maths. Well, maybe not bad at it. I was really enjoying learning French and Japanese on the apps I’d downloaded, but I was slow to pick them up. That was for sure, but I was doing better than I’d ever done in class before, so maybe I wasn’t actually bad at them. Maybe I just needed to put more time and effort into it? Perhaps I could tell them that, tell them that I could learn if they just gave me a chance. A few weeks, that’s all I needed. I could catch up.

But Ms Brice said she already knew that so surely, they wouldn’t have recruited me if it was going to stop me from being able to attend the Academy. I took a deep breath to steady myself.

“Is that a problem?” I asked.

It wasn’t the most eloquent question, but it was enough.

“Oh, no. Not at all! It just means that you’ll be put in smaller classes for now, with other students who are around your level, but I assume you’ll be moved before too long,” Ms Brice said.

Again, I looked at Rodgers for clarification.

“Check page eighteen,” he advised.

“That shows your rate of improvement,” Ms Brice told me. “We have your results from school, when you first joined us, and your official results from the tests. They’re very interesting and varied in some areas.”

I tried to work out which scores were the ones she was referring to. They all appeared to go up, as far as I could tell. The numbers were all positive, but maths had the smallest number next to it. I’d barely improved.

“What does it mean?” I asked, staring at it.

“That you’re learning quickly. Much quicker than expected, in fact. If you look at the grades you were being given in French at school, compared to how you did on Monday, that’s an incredible achievement,” Rodgers told me. “You doubled your average grade. And it wasn’t a fluke; turn the page. You’ve done six tests in the last two weeks and have been rapidly improving each time.”

My head felt like it was spinning as I looked at the numbers on the next page. He was right. I had done much better. The lessons at the Academy were different to the ones at my school, but there was more to it than that. I’d been studying in the other world. In reality. The apps that I’d been using in real life. They’d made a difference. It made sense; it was the same language in both worlds, but I was still shocked.

“Oh…”

“It’s remarkable,” Ms Brice said. “And it shows that, with the right approach and attention, you’re capable of picking information up very quickly, which is why we’re not too worried about your maths ability at this moment.”

I nodded as I flicked through the bundle of paper, searching for the page that would show me how I did in the maths test. A wince came over my face. They were right. I’d really not done well. I’d gotten a little more than fifty percent. Just over half. That was terrible. And whoever had written the document I was reading had pointed out that the majority of the questions that I’d gotten right were on the easiest section of the test.

Embarrassment washed over me. I needed to focus on maths more. I could do that. I’d find another app or some videos online or something that focused on it and put more time into it. I had to; I knew how important it was. Rodgers had made that clear to us on more than one occasion.

He’d been too rash when he was younger. He didn’t get how important it was either, but it was part of what screwed up his knee. He’d miscalculated a jump and just assumed it was fine and pulled his chute too late. That could happen to me too, if I wasn’t careful. I couldn’t let that happen. He’d drilled into us that he should have known better in the hopes that we wouldn’t make the same mistake that he did. If I did, he’d be so disappointed in me, and I didn’t want that to happen.

“I understand that you’re disappointed,” Ms Brice said in a soft tone. “But you shouldn’t be. Your results show that you can improve, and that’ll happen once you’re in the correct classes. I have no doubt that you’ll soon be excelling in everything.”

I let her reassurance wash over me, steeling my resolve. I wouldn’t let her be wrong. Tonight, I’d start working on my maths. Part of me didn’t want to, it knew how little I enjoyed it, but I pushed that aside.

“And that is why your meeting was last,” Rodgers said, causing me to look up sharply.

Was he about to tell me I was being kicked out? He was smiling, though. Surely he wouldn’t be smiling if he was about to tell me something terrible. I swallowed hard and laced my hands together to stop them from shaking as I waited to hear whatever they were about to say.

Ms Brice was taking too long. She was reading from the screen again. Why? Had she not had the chance to read it before I was called in? Or had something else just come up? I wasn’t sure, but it made me want to get up and pace or shout at her to just hurry up and tell me. I wouldn’t, of course, but I pressed my lips together just in case.

“Yes. We needed to double-check something and discuss the results with the other teachers, and unfortunately, I was away until this morning which further delayed things, ” Ms Brice explained.

“You should probably tell her that before you explain the next part,” Rodgers suggested, pointing at something on the screen. “Put her out of her misery already.”

My heart started racing so fast that I could feel it at my fingertips.

“Ah, of course,” Ms Brice said with a shake of her head. “Grace, I am happy to inform you that you’re able to continue your education at the Academy.”

I held my breath. It felt like there was something else coming. A ‘but’. Something that made my future uncertain again. Maybe she’d say that I could stay for now, but if I didn’t improve quickly enough, I’d be kicked out. That would make sense.

They were looking at me, I realised slowly. Both Ms Brice and Rodgers were watching me expectantly. Why? What were they waiting for? I couldn’t work it out. My eyes darted between the two frantically as Rodgers leant back slightly. I watched, confusion washing over me, as Rodgers started to mime something just out of Ms Brice’s eye line. He was pointing at her, pointing at me and then pretending to look shocked. Surprised, maybe? And giving me a thumbs up. Why was he doing that? My eyebrows furrowed as I played back what Ms Brice had said, trying to work out what they were waiting for.

Oh. She’d told me I was staying, and I hadn’t reacted at all. It didn’t matter that I thought there was something more that she was going to say; I still needed to be shocked by that. I needed to pretend that Rodgers hadn’t told me and that I was genuinely surprised. Thrilled too.

“Oh,” I gasped after far too long. “I can stay? I’m so relieved!”

I held my hands to my mouth, my eyes wide, as Rodgers gave me another thumbs up. Ms Brice’s eyebrows rose as she turned to look at him, and he quickly pretended to be scratching his face.

“That’s fantastic news, isn’t it?” he said, his tone perfectly innocent as Ms Brice narrowed her eyes.

“I’m going to just make a quick note to have you moved from the standard acting classes to the more intensive ones,” Ms Brice said. “And maybe you’ll join her in them, Rodgers.”

He grinned at her, and I felt my lips start to rise. She was joking, teasing us. That felt strange. She was a teacher, but she was talking to Rodgers and me like we were equals. He was, kind of. He was an adult and mostly a teacher too, but I wasn’t. I’d been included in the joke, though, and that reminded me of… Mitch.

He spoke to me like I was an equal, and so did all of his friends. Oscar and Lauren. They did the same. Everyone did. I missed it, missed them. My heart ached, and I longed to go back, but… I couldn’t. It wasn’t worth the risk.

“As I was saying,” Ms Brice continued, “the speed of your improvement is what we needed to discuss as it directly impacts the results of your aptitude tests.”

Immediately, my focus was back on Ms Brice and not Mitch or the other world.

“It does?” I asked as fear started to edge into my heart again.

“Yes. The results are on page thirty-four, if you’d like to look over them,” she said, and I turned to the page without hesitation. “Unsurprisingly to me, you show even potential.”

I stared at the paper before looking up at her.

“Even potential,” I repeated, the words feeling strange in my mouth. “What does that mean?”

“Well, it means you did equally well in all areas, with the exception of physical fitness, but that is to be expected with your current injury,” Ms Brice explained. “That’s unimportantly, though.”

“How so?”

“Physical fitness is the easiest thing to improve,” Rodgers told me. “Especially with the right motivation. The testing is more to get a baseline for where you’re at and to see how hard you’re willing to push yourself. Doctor Adda noted that you were willing to… where is it? Continue the test despite clear signs of physical pain.”

I grimaced. I didn’t think there were clear signs that I was in pain. Plus, it didn’t hurt that badly. I could have kept going.

“Obviously, that is also a concern to us,” Ms Brice said. “Pushing yourself to a certain extent is good, but you also need to be able to look after yourself and not needlessly injure yourself.”

I nodded eagerly.

“Of course,” I said, even though I didn’t really agree with her.

I wasn’t pushing myself that hard. I just wanted to do well.

“And, because of that, we’re sure you’ll be able to catch up to where you need to be quickly,” Ms Brice continued. “Which is why you haven’t been assigned a specialism at this point.”

My heart sank.

“I haven’t?”

“No, there’s no point,” Ms Brice said.

She was smiling, though. Why was she smiling, and why hadn’t I been given a specialism or told which area I had an aptitude in? They’d just said I could stay, but it now sounded like that might not be true or like it wasn’t that simple.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because we believe you’d be equally good in all of them. That means that, for now, you’ll be expected to study everything. You’ll be given all of the information and tools that you need to be able to choose which area you’d like to go into. If you display an affinity before then, we may begin to narrow it down, and you could drop some subjects, but you might not. We can cross that bridge if we get to it. How does that sound?” Ms Brice asked.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t do anything other than stare at her. It was exactly what I wanted. I had said that I wanted to learn everything, and now I had the option to. They expected me to, and I was thrilled but also slightly scared. There was something terrifying about what she’d said. It felt like a lot of pressure, but I still wanted it.

“What if I can’t choose an area?” I asked finally, once I was able to speak again.

Ms Brice and Rodgers both let out a laugh.

“Well, that’s fairly rare. It’s unusual for someone to show even potential, but they normally realise that there’s a specialism they enjoy most before too long,” Ms Brice said.

“Normally, it’s fieldwork,” Rodgers added. “But it doesn’t need to be, and you don’t need to decide now.”

“Of course not,” Ms Brice agreed. “For now, you can just focus on studying. In the future, when you’re ready, you can make that decision.”

I let out a tight breath and looked down. I had a future. That’s what she had just told me. I could do anything, become anything. There were so many possibilities for me, and that was just in one world. I could stay there forever, far away from my mom and school and everything else that made me feel stressed and sad. An unnatural feeling fluttered within me, and it took me a few seconds to pinpoint what it was. Hope. I was feeling hopeful.

Tears were slipping down my cheeks, and I couldn’t hold them back. The hope was too strong, too powerful. It was bubbling over and making me sob like a baby. Embarrassment pulled at me, clawing at my heart and paining me, but I couldn’t stop the tears. I slipped out of the world, my cheeks burning and wet.

I paused for just a moment as dizziness crashed into me before retreating quickly. That was long enough for my face to dip under the surface of the pool. It helped, in a way. The chlorine stung my already burning eyes but soothed my flushed cheeks. I did it again, ducking my head fully under the water and savouring its cool touch.

“I’ll be leaving in half an hour,” my mother said as soon as I returned to the surface. “If you have time to shower before then and look presentable, you’re welcome to join me for lunch.”

I fought the urge to touch my face, unsure if it was obvious that I was crying, but I hoped it just looked like I’d been swimming too hard.

“Okay,” I replied in a surprisingly steady tone. “I’ll get out now.”

My mom didn’t respond. She just turned and walked out of the room. A sigh slipped out of my lips. Good. She hadn’t noticed.