Inescapable Escapism

The room turned silent. People weren’t even bothering to hide the fact that they were listening in to our conversation anymore. They were openly staring. Even Seth was looking at me in shock. His jaw was slack, and his expression confused. My cheeks started to burn as the silence continued. I felt like I had to say something, something to explain why I wasn’t given a specialism and what that meant, but I couldn’t.

My mind felt empty, blank. I wasn’t used to the attention, and I didn’t like having everyone staring at me. It made me want to stand and run away, but we were locked in the induction wing. Even if I ran, there was nowhere for me to go. People would find me sooner or later, and then I’d need to explain. I’d just be prolonging the anxiety.

Or I could leave. I could leave the world and not return until I’d told them everything, and then I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I could skip the worst parts. But that felt weak. It was a pathetic and spineless thing to do. I didn’t want to get used to leaving the moment things got difficult. If I did… then what? Would I run away any time I faced the slightest inconvenience? I didn’t want that. Not again.

“What?” Katie said, finally breaking the silence.

I chuckled awkwardly and reached out to pour myself some water, feeling like I had to do something. I wasn’t even thirsty.

“Yeah…”

“Why?” Abbie asked. “Everyone else has been assigned a specialism, right?”

She looked around, and people nodded at her. Not a single person shook their head or even hesitated.

“Yeah, but they’re not firm yet,” Seth said, surprising me.

“What do you mean?”

“I was told you’re not locked in for a little while. Like, until after we’re finished in the induction wing and start studying properly,” Seth explained, his expression uncertain. “We might be really good in an area they didn’t expect, so our specialisms could still change. Wait… was no one else told that?”

“No,” Katie said.

“Oh…” Seth replied, staring down at his plate.

“But wait, why don’t you have an aptitude, Grace?” Abbie demanded.

“Umm… they said that they think I’ll do equally well in all of the specialisms, so for now, I’m just going to study everything, and I can choose which area I want to go into later,” I explained awkwardly.

Abbie’s eyes widened.

“You get to choose?” she asked.

“Yeah… I mean, I’m going to be having meetings with Ms Brice quite often, so I think she’ll probably help me work out what I want to do.”

I reached for my drink again, looking around surreptitiously. People were still staring at me. They looked impressed, and that made my cheeks burn even hotter. My eyes meet Seth’s. I was worried about how he would react. It was stupid, and I knew it, but I was a little concerned that he’d be annoyed at me for doing well. I don’t know why I felt that way, but I did.

“Huh,” he said after a few seconds. “So… it’s not that you’ve not been assigned a specialism. It’s that you’ve been assigned… all of them?”

My face must have been radiating heat. It was so warm, it could have rivalled the sun.

“I guess so?” I replied uncomfortably.

“Damn,” he said with a chuckle. “You’re impressive. Well done.”

My lips lifted into a tentative smile as he grinned at me.

“Thanks.”

“Congratulations!” Katie cried, finally getting over her shock. “That’s awesome! I’m not surprised at all! You’re going to be great at whatever you do!”

“Yeah, you really will!” Scott agreed.

“No one here knows how to drive,” my mom complained loudly, pulling me back to reality.

I was grinning. I could feel my cheeks hurting from how much I was smiling. It was the other world bleeding into my normal one. I forced my expression to become neutral, my eyes darting towards my mom to make sure she hadn’t noticed. She didn’t appear to have. Her eyes were fixed on the car ahead of us. It was driving painfully slowly along the windy country roads.

I needed to be more careful, though. If she had noticed me grinning, she would have asked me about it, and there was no way she would have believed that I was just happy. She would be suspicious of me. She’d go through my phone, certain that I was texting someone and sneaking out to meet them or something ridiculous. Or she’d decide that I was on drugs. She’d accused me of that before.

“Mmm,” I agreed.

“Honestly! I mean, just look at them. You can go faster than twenty!” she said, as if the driver ahead of us could hear her somehow. “Speed up!”

The desire to point out that she normally went just as slowly on this road rose within me. It was so tempting to say that the way she was feeling was probably how anyone behind her usually felt, but I couldn’t do it. Her reaction would not be worth it. No matter how good it would feel for just a second. It wouldn’t change anything, though. She wouldn’t stop complaining about people or start driving faster.

She never changed. No matter what happened, she always acted exactly the same way. Even how she was around her parents now sounded like it was how she’d always been, judging by the stories her brothers had told me. Nothing about her would ever change. She hadn’t grown or become more mature, not really.

Even when we were in Scotland without her parents there, she acted pretty much the same. I mean, she was a little bit nicer to me, but that never lasted. I think it was just because there was no one else around to annoy her or expect her to do anything. Maybe that helped.

Either way, it didn’t really matter. We had a week left. Not even a full week, and then we’d be going back home, and she’d go back to being her normal self. She’d drink more, argue with Dad and be mean to me again.

I kind of didn’t want to go back. Part of me wished we could stay in Scotland forever. Maybe if we did, she’d be happier. She did seem happier there. But it wouldn’t last, and it wouldn’t get any better. She had been treating me a little differently now, anyway. It seemed like she was avoiding me more, but I couldn’t work out if that was just because she didn’t want to spend time with me or if there was another reason.

I was standing up to her more. It was small things, nothing that really mattered, but maybe she’d picked up on it. It was easier. Her jabs and insults upset me less than they usually did. They were easier to ignore, and they’d probably stay that way when I got home.

Maybe she’d keep avoiding me when we got home, too. That would be good. I could just go back to cooking for myself and spending most of my time in my room alone. I’d be able to dip into the other worlds whenever I wanted and keep studying and improving. That would be good.

There were other reasons why I wanted to go home too. I missed my dad and had that date coming up with Duncan. Anxiety churned in my stomach. I was excited to see him, but also scared. I didn’t really know what to expect from our date. I mean, we’d been flirting a lot recently over text, and I was enjoying that, but would that continue when we were actually together? Could I flirt with him without having to spend ages crafting the perfect text to send?

Plus, we were going to play video games; that’s what Duncan had said when he first asked me. Was that a date? Or was it more of a friend thing? I wasn’t sure. I’d never actually gone on a date before. Not in real life, at least. I hadn’t in the other world either, the one where I was training to be a spy.

My eyebrows started to draw together. Just because I hadn’t been on a date in this world, didn’t mean that none of the other versions of me had. And, if they had, I had access to their memories. A slight smile came over my face as I thought back. Recently, someone had asked me on a date. We’d met in a bar. No, a tavern?

I couldn’t quite work it out, but the memory started to engulf me. The city was dingy and unlike anything I’d seen before. There were no street lamps, but that didn’t matter. Neon signs hung from every building, bathing the roads in artificial light. It was brighter than the midday sun, and the street I’d walked down to meet him was busier than I’d expected.

But the tavern wasn’t. That was probably because most people didn’t know it was there. The front door was boarded over, the windows smashed and covered by metal sheets, but that was intentional. It was all designed to keep people from looking too closely. Some would, of course, but the tavern’s security system would keep them out. And the bouncer hanging around in the alley behind it.

He looked bored, but lights danced behind his synthetic eyes. He barely glanced at me as I walked up to him, his chip noting that I was on the list before I got close. He simply raised an eyebrow and nodded towards the concrete wall. I’d gone through enough to know it was fake. I walked through with my head held high, and there he was on the other side, just waiting for me. Theo.

I’d known him for a long time. We met up whenever our ships were in the same port, but rarely had the chance for actual dates. We hung around the tavern, catching up without giving too many details about our lives. It wasn’t safe, and we both knew that. We spoke in vague terms, mentioning realms we’d been to, but never cities. That was enough. Once we’d exhausted the conversation, we played pool.

Confusion washed over me as I recalled the game. It wasn’t pool. Duncan’s parents had a pool table, and I was certain that it didn’t normally float like the one I was remembering. And the balls didn’t bounce. They didn’t absorb the others if you hit them hard enough. I wished they did, though. The game I played in the other world was way more fun than this world.

We didn’t play for long, though. A couple of games, and then… My cheeks turned pink. And then he invited me back to the hotel room he’d booked for us, knowing we’d need it. It wasn’t under his name, of course. Not his real name, at least. No one else knew that. It was simply luck that I did. He was another runaway. Another person set to be married off to someone he didn’t know or like. I was gone by then. Didn’t know it happened to him until he tried to rob my ship years later. He was forming his own crew then, didn’t want to stay. I didn’t push.

But I enjoyed the time we spent together. Really enjoyed it. My eyes widened, and I pulled myself out of the memory. My heart was racing, and colour had started to creep up my neck, but I could still feel too much. The phantom touch of hands on my skin invaded my mind. Lips moved against mine, and…

No. I shook my head slightly, my breathing a little unsteady as I shoved the memories aside as hard as I could.

I was in the car with my mom, I reminded myself. I couldn’t be thinking about boys or what I did with them in another world. That was… that felt wrong. Plus, that wouldn’t happen with Duncan. I didn’t feel ready. I’d never even kissed a boy before in this world. I couldn’t go straight from that to… more.

But Duncan wouldn’t expect that, would he? I didn’t think he would. He’d known me basically my whole life, so he had to know that I didn’t have any experience in that area. He wouldn’t… he wouldn’t expect me to do more. I knew that he wouldn’t, but that didn’t stop anxiety from creeping into my heart and making my hands shake. There was nothing I could do about it, though. Not really. I couldn’t exactly text him and tell him that I didn’t want to go on the date; that would be a lie. But I could just ignore it.

I let my eyes shut, opening them into another world.

“Wow, you did really badly in maths,” Abbie said without even looking up at me.

A blush came over my cheeks.

“Yeah, I know,” I replied.

“But the rest of your results are pretty good. Your conflict resolution score is so good,” she continued.

My eyebrows pulled together. I remembered someone mentioning that before, but we weren’t tested on it. I couldn’t recall it even coming up during the testing, so I had no clue how it could have been graded.

“Uhh, thanks,” I said, glancing at Katie for help.

“What do we do now that everyone’s had their meeting?” she asked. “Our schedules don’t go past today, do they?”

“No, but I asked Ms Brice about that. She said that we’ll get new ones this weekend because we’ll be doing different lessons from now,” Abbie said, finally looking up from my results.

Relief washed through me at the change in topic. I didn’t want them to keep talking about me or my scores. It was making me too uncomfortable.

“Oh, really?” Seth asked.

“Yeah! Apparently, we’ll all be doing the basics together still, but then we’ll be split up based on our specialisms and current abilities,” Abbie explained. “Like, she said that for field agents, we need to learn the same stuff that we’d be learning in school because if we go on a mission, we might have to go to school, and we need to blend in. But we’ll also be doing other stuff like learning how to use weapons, fighting and driving and other stuff like that!”

“That sounds cool,” Katie said.

“I think so too! I can’t wait to start learning! I wonder when we’ll actually start the classes. Do you think it’ll be Monday or will we have to wait a few days?” Abbie asked, looking between Scott and me.

“I’m not sure, actually,” I said, looking at Scott to see if he knew.

He just shrugged.

“Did Rodgers not tell you anything about it?” Abbie asked.

“No, I would have told you if he did,” I said.

“You didn’t tell us he said you were staying here,” she pointed out, and I couldn’t help but wince.

“I know… Sorry, he asked us not to tell anyone,” I explained. “He wasn’t even meant to tell us, but he slipped up.”

“Plus, I’ll be honest, I started to doubt him after it took them so long to call you in for your meeting,” Scott admitted to me. “I was worried they’d changed their mind or something.”

“Me too,” I said.

“But they didn’t, and now you get to stay forever,” Katie squealed happily. “We all do! It’s going to be so fun! Oh, I wish we could do something to celebrate, like throw a party or something!”

“That would be fun!” Abbie agreed. “I haven’t been to a party in years.”

“You haven’t?” Scott asked.

His tone wasn’t cruel, just curious, but I saw Abbie’s demeanour change. It was like she’d slammed the door, shutting out all emotion and becoming completely detached.

“I didn’t really enjoy them,” was all she said.

There was more to it than that, though, I could tell. She’d seemed so excited when Katie had mentioned a party just moments before, but now that was all gone. She’d returned to staring at my results, her expression completely blank. But her foot was bobbing under the table. She didn’t want to talk about whatever had caused her to shut down like that.

I glanced at Katie, who had been looking at Abbie too. Her expression was troubled. It was clear she’d noticed Abbie’s reaction as well, but she didn’t seem sure what to do about it. I wasn’t either. I’d been hoping that she would have known how to react and then I could just follow her lead, but instead, we sat in silence for a few minutes until the door opened.

“Hello,” Rodgers called as he walked in. “How’s everyone doing?”

“Good, thanks,” we chorused back to him, causing him to chuckle slightly.

He stopped by the food, leaning against the table and plucking a chip from the tray.

“So, as I’m sure you all know by now, we had our final assessment meeting with your cohort today,” he started to explain. “Which means that everyone here will be continuing on in the induction wing!”

We already knew that, it was obvious, but that didn’t stop the cheer that shot through the room. I found myself joining in, shouting and stomping my feet along with the others. It was enough to break Abbie out of her thoughts. A smile came over her face, only slightly tinged with sadness, as she started clapping.

“Alright, alright,” Rodgers said, holding his hands up to quieten us. “You should all be very proud of yourselves. You’ve been making wonderful progress since you got here, and you’ve all been model students. I’m very proud of each and every one of you.”

His eyes flitted around the room, lingering on Scott and me for slightly longer than the rest. I couldn’t help the grin that stretched over my face. He was proud of us, proud of me. It felt so good to have someone be proud of me, and I wasn’t quite sure how to react to it, but it made me happy.

Most people had been able to stay, too. A couple had disappeared, but that wasn’t too bad. I’d been expecting more people to not pass, and I wasn’t sure why. I think it was just anxiety. Being a spy and staring in the Academy seemed hard. It seemed like something that most people wouldn’t be able to do, especially people our age. But I guess they must have chosen us carefully. They had. The process Rodgers had explained to us sounded so long and difficult. Even so, I was surprised.

“And now, I just want to remind you to continue being model students and trainees tonight,” he said. “I know that most of you have probably been really anxious recently and think that a party would be a fantastic way to blow off steam and celebrate, but it wouldn’t be a good idea.”

He was warning us, that was obvious, but there was something about his expression that just felt… off. His tone was a little too deliberate, almost? As if he was trying to say something else, but I couldn’t work out what it was. Would we get in trouble if we celebrated? Was that what it was?

“It would be a very bad idea,” he continued. “Even if I forget to lock up the dojo, swimming pool and dining room tonight.”

Confusion was palpable in the air. We were all trying to work out what he was not quite saying. He couldn’t be trying to tell us to have a party, could he? That didn’t feel right. I glanced at Katie, my brows furrowed, but she was staring at Rodgers still.

He looked around at us, his expression expectant, before very pointedly lifting his arm to check the time on his watch.

“Ah, not quite time for me to do my final check of the evening. That isn’t until ten,” he said pointedly. “Everyone had better be in bed with the lights out by then, so I don’t need to come back at all during the night.”

He met my gaze, and a smile appeared on my lips. He was. He was telling us exactly how to sneak out so that we could have a party, and he was planning on leaving certain rooms unlocked for us to use.

“Rodgers?” Katie said, her tone tentative.

“Yes, Katie?” he asked.

“Is the kitchen locked after hours? Or can I go in later to get some snacks?” she asked hesitantly. “Before lights out, of course.”

“Of course. Well, the kitchen is never locked here, so if you want to get snacks or drinks or anything like that, you can help yourself at any time. There’s no alcohol in there, unfortunately.”

A disappointed mutter swept through the room, and he held his hands up again to silence us.

“Come now,” he said. “You’re in a government facility. We can’t allow underage drinking, despite it being a completely normal experience for teens your age and the fact that being able to hold your alcohol and know your limits comes in extremely helpful during field assignments. But, once you’re out of the induction wing and are allowed off campus, if you find a way to sneak it into the school… well, as long as you’re being smart, it’s fine.”

“But, for tonight?” someone asked.

“Tonight?” Rodgers repeated. “At the parties you are absolutely not allowed to throw? No, you can’t have alcohol there. Well, I should be leaving. I’ll be back at ten. Try not to get into trouble before then.”

He grinned at us before turning and strolling out of the room.

There was a beat of silence before Katie leaned towards us.

“So… we’re throwing a party tonight, right?”