Inescapable Escapism

My knee wouldn’t stop bobbing; I was too anxious. I had to get the nervous energy out somehow, but we were in class. I couldn’t exactly get up and pace around the greenhouse, no matter how much I wanted to. It would have helped. Moving would make me feel less frantic, but it was more than that. I liked the greenhouse, even though it kind of scared me. We’d been warned away from some areas of it, but the rest fascinated me. Even the sections we weren’t allowed to go into were interesting to me.

There was something about the humid airy room that usually made me feel calmer. It was so bright and open, even though the reinforced glass walls were fogged, so we couldn’t see through them. We also couldn’t break through them. We’d been warned about that the first time Charlie brought us into the building. He said that some people viewed it as the weakest part of the induction wing because the walls were mostly made of glass, but that wasn’t the case. The glass was treated, tempered too. It could withstand bullets, a car crashing into it, and more.

He’d proven that to us too. Charlie said that it came up sometimes, so he liked to get it out of the way early. His tone was so relaxed and conversational as he led us to the clearing in the centre of what he called the small greenhouse. Rows of high sun-bleached wooden tables with matching stools lined the space, all pointing towards a single large table in the middle. Easily, he picked up one of the stools, strolled towards the glass wall and asked us to take a step back before swinging the chair into the window.

It was terrifying. I’d leapt backwards, almost trampling Seth in my haste to escape the broken glass, but the window held. Charlie had sighed heavily as he examined the glass before looking back down at the stool and saying he’d need to build another one now. The chair had broken, but the glass had not. It wasn’t even marked.

Apart from that initial experience, our botany classes had been great. Charlie would pull up a whiteboard and talk us through the various plants that grew in the United Kingdom and their uses. Sometimes, he’d make us walk through the overgrown rows of plants and point out ones that we knew, quizzing us on what he’d taught us previously. Or other times, we’d get to the greenhouse, and random plants and workbooks would be waiting on the tables for us. Charlie would wander through the class helping whoever needed it, or sometimes he’d amble off and tend to the other plants.

My eyes found Charlie at the front of the class again. Part of me wished that he’d get distracted and walk off already. Then, I could get up and go talk to him. I didn’t really have anything that I wanted to say to him, exactly. I just didn’t want to stay sitting down for any longer; it was making me even more anxious.

Why had I not had my meeting yet? It was Friday. Rodgers had said that we’d hear back before the end of the week, but it was the end of the week. It was the afternoon too. About as close to the end of the week as we could get before it became the weekend. Unless he’d meant the end of the week properly. Like, Sunday. I hadn’t even considered that before, but the moment I realised he could have meant that, my heart began to race.

I really hoped he didn’t. It didn’t make sense for him to. We didn’t have classes at the weekend; they were for relaxing and doing other stuff, like working out or something fun. We could catch up on learning or just read or something. Having a meeting then didn’t feel right. I looked at the old-fashioned-looking clock hanging from the rickety white balcony. It was getting too late.

Everyone else had already had their meeting, I was almost certain of it. Katie and Abbie had. They both came back beaming and excited. The meetings had gone well, apparently. They’d gotten all their tests back and been told they displayed an aptitude for fieldwork, which had come as a surprise to Abbie, but she was happy about it. They tried not to talk about it too much, though.

At first, they did, but then time went on. The closer we got to the end of the week, the less they spoke about it. Whenever it was brought up, they’d look at me. I could see the worry on their faces when they did. They were starting to wonder whether I’d be kicked out or not. I was too. Rodgers had said that I was staying, Scott too, but I was starting to doubt it. Surely, if I was, I would have had the meeting early, wouldn’t I? It would have been a quick meeting, and then I could continue with my life without the constant fear and anxiety of being kicked out at any minute.

Every single meal time had turned into a discussion about results. People brought their folders with them everywhere, comparing the scores they’d been given and eyeing those who hadn’t had their meetings yet, like me. I couldn’t work out why mine was being left to the end. Scott had his meeting the day after Rodgers said we were both staying and so did Seth. Seth had a bunch of doctor’s appointments, and he’d used a gun before. People were still whispering about that sometimes. I thought that would have made his decision harder than mine, but he’d had the meeting so early.

Don’t get me wrong, I was really glad he was staying. I liked him a lot and wanted him to stay; I was just panicking. The first time someone didn’t come back from the meeting was terrifying. Nora. She’d been called in just before lunch the day before and didn’t ever come back. Everyone assumed that her meeting had run over and that she’d be there at dinner, but she wasn’t. Dean left just after that. Their roommates said their stuff had been taken from their rooms too. The beds were made, the wardrobes empty. It was like they’d never even been there.

That filled me with fear. What if that happened to me? Rodgers had said that I was staying, but what if he’d been wrong or mistaken? What if they changed their mind about me? There could have been something that I wrote in one of my tests that made them think I wouldn’t be a good operative. Or maybe one of the many medical tests came back with some worrying results. Perhaps I was dying, so they’d decided that there was no point in wasting time training me to be anything.

No, that was stupid. I wasn’t dying; I’d know if I was. I hadn’t been ill or anything, so it had to be something else. My exams. One of them must have gone badly. Maybe it was the maths test. That had been horrible, and I’d almost cried when I left it. I just couldn’t remember how to work out half of the questions, so I left them blank. That was stupid of me. I should have put something, anything. We’re always told to just write anything because that was always better than nothing.

Or maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe it was my fitness tests. I’d barely been able to do anything for them; I wasn’t fully cleared. Dr Adda had been there for all of them, and he’d refused to let me do anything other than swimming. Even with that, he made me stop after ten minutes. Apparently, I was pushing myself too hard for how injured I was. That really annoyed me. I wanted to ignore him and keep going, but Hannah was right there, and something told me she wouldn’t take it well.

Maybe that was part of the issue. Perhaps that was part of the issue. I could have hidden how irritated I was better, I knew that. If either of them had seen it, they might have made a note of it. That wouldn’t be good. I was annoyed at a teacher, a doctor. That seemed wrong.

I let out a tight breath as my leg bobbed even harder. Panic was building within me, blocking out whatever Charlie was saying. The class let out a laugh, but I couldn’t join in. I had no clue what was being said because I couldn’t stop replaying the tests over and over in my head, trying to pinpoint exactly when I had messed up.

I shook my head slightly, trying to focus those thoughts out of my mind. I was being ridiculous, and I knew that. There was no point in me panicking. I should have been paying attention to what the teacher was saying. But, part of me couldn’t help pointing out that it was probably useless. It could be. If I was about to be kicked out, why should I listen to Charlie? I couldn’t use the information he was teaching us out in the real world. Why would I need to know about the antibacterial properties of yarrow? That would never be useful to me.

No. I did need to know about that, I tried to tell myself. It would come in handy at some point. Either Rodgers or Ms Brice, I couldn’t remember which, had told me that if I wasn’t able to stay in the Academy for now, they wouldn’t give up on me. I’d be sent to a private boarding school somewhere, and they’d keep an eye on me. I’d have the opportunity to work for the Academy after I graduated.

Relief washed through me, but it was short-lived. I couldn’t bring myself to fully believe it. It sounded too much like a lie. Like something they’d tell people to keep them hopeful so that they didn’t tell others about the Academy and risk never being able to come back here. It was much more likely that I’d be dumped back on my doorstep.

My life would go back to normal. My days would return to the monotonous cycle of nothingness, and I wasn’t sure that I could cope with that. No, I was sure. I couldn’t do it, not after being in the Academy. We were still in the induction wing, but it was still more exciting and fun than anything I was used to at home. How could they expect me to leave and go back to being a normal person?

And what was I meant to say when teachers asked me about my career goals? I couldn’t tell them that I wanted to be a spy; they’d laugh at me. Everyone would. But that was all I wanted now. I needed it. Everything I’d learnt, in this world and mine, was centred around that. The languages, the psychology, all of the various textbooks I was working through, everything. It was all to help me become one. If that option was gone, then what would I do?

I sucked in a shaking breath. Nothing. I’d spend my days going to school and then coming home and doing nothing. Maybe I’d keep up with the learning for a while, but it wouldn’t last forever. It couldn’t. If I had nothing to work towards, I’d run out of steam, get bored of it. What would I do with my time? What did I do before? Barely any time had passed since I started spending most of my time learning, but I already wasn’t sure.

My hands closed into fists, and a lump formed in my throat. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay there. But I couldn’t leave. What could I do? Where could I go? Was there another world where I was already a spy? Or even just somewhere where I was happy? I’d take that. I started to reach out, searching for a dizziness that felt right, but a voice dragged me back into the world.

“Sorry to interrupt.”

My head snapped around, my eyes immediately finding Rodgers as he ducked under an errant branch.

“Not at all,” Charlie called back. “I didn’t expect to see you in here again, if I’m being honest.”

Rodgers chuckled softly.

“I know. I used to hate this place, but… I actually quite miss it now,” he said, looking around with a fond smile.

“You do?” Charlie asked, sounding surprised. “This is nothing compared to the proper one. I miss it.”

“Weren’t you there yesterday?”

“Yeah, but still. I spend most of my time in here now, don’t I?” Charlie sighed, looking around at the plants with a slight frown. “It’s not the same.”

“Ah, it’s not forever. A few more weeks, at most!”

Whispers shot through the class at that. A few more weeks, and then he wouldn’t be in the induction wing anymore because we’d be finished with it and in the main part of the Academy or because we wouldn’t have botany classes any more. Charlie looked around, seeming to only just remember that he was in the middle of teaching a class.

“Hopefully not that long,” he said with a grin. “Did you need something, Rodgers? Or did you just come to disrupt my class?”

“I’m actually here for Grace,” Rodgers said, causing everyone to look at me.

My palms immediately became sweaty, and my heart rate doubled as fear shot through me.

“Ah,” Charlie said knowingly. “Brice is back?”

“She is,” Rodgers confirmed before looking at me. “Are you ready for your meeting?”

I had been. I was so impatient and ready to get it over and done with, but suddenly, I didn’t want to go through with it. The thought of sitting in a stuffy windowless office somewhere, with Ms Brice and Rodgers staring at me as they told me that I was being kicked out, made me want to cry. Staying in the terrifying limbo where I was unsure of my future was better than being certain I didn’t have one.

“Yes,” I said, my voice coming out stronger than I expected.

I slid off the stool, trying to subtly hold on to the table in case I fell. My knees were too shaky; they didn’t want to take my weight, but I forced them to. I refused to let myself fall in front of everyone. Even if I was being kicked out, I wouldn’t let myself look weak. Not that it would matter.

Everyone was looking at me. I could feel their eyes on me as I walked across the greenhouse towards Rodgers. A hand reached out as I passed, squeezing my shoulder supportively, and I looked back at Seth. I tried to smile at him, but I couldn’t make my lips work properly. It was too hard. Instead, I just looked away.

“Alright, enjoy the rest of your class, everyone,” Rodgers called before turning towards the door.

I followed him, looking back just before I reached the door. Katie, Abbie and Seth were still looking at me. That made me hesitate. I was too painfully aware that it might be the last time I ever saw them. The realisation made my heart ache. I hadn’t known them for long, didn’t know them really, but they were already some of my closest friends. I didn’t want to lose them.

But I could. I might be about to. My stomach churned nauseatingly. They weren’t real, I tried to tell myself. They were nothing more than a figment of my imagination, no matter how real they felt. And they did seem real. Just as real as Phoebe or Duncan, and that felt dangerous to me. Some small part of my mind cried out, trying to warn me to be careful. I was getting too invested in something that was happening in my head.

The door slammed heavily, and I jumped before hurrying after Rodgers. He was walking slowly. His steps were leisurely and unbothered, but that didn’t help my anxiety. I wanted to talk to him, to ask him what was going on and if they’d changed their mind about me, but I couldn’t find the words. Instead, I was silent as we strolled through the halls.

“Are you okay?” Rodgers asked after a while.

I swallowed and glanced at him before looking away again. How could I answer? I had to lie, obviously. There was no way I could tell him what I was actually worried about. He’d said that I was staying, and I didn’t want it to seem like I didn’t believe him or was questioning him. But then, I didn’t really want to lie to him. That felt wrong too.

“I’m… fine,” I said carefully.

Rodgers laughed softly.

“That was really convincing,” he told me.

We paused at a door I’d never paid much attention to before, and Rodgers glanced at me before pressing his thumb against the flat metal surface at the top of the handle. It seemed so perfectly shaped, just big enough for his thumb. He didn’t pull the handle or open the door immediately, which made confusion spike within me, warring with my anxiety. Rodgers paused, seeming to be waiting for something, and I stared at him, trying to work out if something was wrong. His face was relaxed, though. Everything about him seemed so relaxed, which should have made me feel better.

It didn’t.

My heart thumped as Rodgers glanced over his shoulder before pulling the door open.

“Let’s go,” he said with a grin.

I swallowed hard before looking away from him as we passed through the door. It shut heavily behind us, and I was almost certain I heard the muted click of a lock. That was why Rodgers waited before opening the door. There was probably a fingerprint scanner or something on the handle; he couldn’t open it until it was unlocked. But why would he take me into a locked section of the Academy? That didn’t make sense.

The others didn’t have their meetings in that part, I was pretty sure. I’d seen someone coming out of one of the classrooms after their meeting. It was in the main part of the induction wing. Maybe it was intentional. I didn’t see where Nora or Dean had their meetings. They could have been taken into the same part that I was. It made sense. I couldn’t exactly run or anything if they told me I was being kicked out. I was trapped.

My hands slowly squeezed into fists as I fought to keep my panicked breathing under control. It wasn’t working, though. I couldn’t get enough air. I needed to leave. I had to get out of there.

“You sure you’re okay?” Rodgers asked again.

I let out a slow breath, trying to steady myself so I could answer him without making it clear that I was on the edge of a panic attack.

“Just a bit nervous,” I said, hearing just the slightest of tremors in my voice. “Don’t know what to expect.”

It felt like I’d said too much. Or not enough. I hadn’t spoken formally enough to Rodgers. Not that I did normally. He was a teacher, I knew that, but he didn’t seem like it. Well, he did. He taught us things, but he was so relaxed and open, unlike any teacher I knew in my real life.

“That makes sense. The meetings can be really scary, but we’ll just go over your results, talk about anything that was noted in the reports as something we need to be cautious or aware of and then go from there,” he said with a smile. “It’ll be okay.”

I tried to return the smile, but I couldn’t. I wanted him to tell me that I’d be staying, but I couldn’t help noticing that he didn’t. It was the mention of things they need to be cautious of that set me on edge. Was that confirmation that I wasn’t staying? Or that I was, but they were going to keep an eye on me? Maybe I was allow to stay for now, but I wasn’t out of the danger zone. They could still kick me out at any point if I messed up.

Rodgers watched me as we continued weaving through the corridors, seeming to be journeying deeper into the school. Or further away from the school. Maybe there was a hidden passageway we hadn’t been told about that led us far away. Off the property, even. That would make sense. Then we could leave without ever seeing the school.

I hoped that wasn’t the case. I wanted to see the Academy properly, not just the induction wing but the whole school. I… I didn’t want to leave. But I was already ready for it. I could feel myself preparing for the disappointment that would envelop me and threaten to crush me. My heart was hardening, shutting everything out. I was used to disappointment. Used to having to pretend it didn’t bother me. I could do it again.

I came to a stop as we turned a corner, shock rooting me to the spot. My eyes were fixed on the wall ahead of us, trying to drink it all in.

“I know,” Rodgers said. “Don’t tell the others about this. You’re not meant to be out of the induction wing or see any other part of the Academy until you’re cleared.”

“I won’t,” I breathed, but I still couldn’t look away.

A huge window was built into the wall, and, for the first time since I’d gotten there, it wasn’t fogged. I had an unobstructed view of the grounds at the front of the school. It looked almost exactly like it did on the brochure Ms Brice had shown my parents what felt like months ago. A giant field stretched out in front of the building with a windy path leading out to what I assumed was a road. It was blocked by trees, though, meaning that I couldn’t see out.

And that others couldn’t see in. That was probably a good thing seeing as kids, in uniforms like my own, were scattered across the grounds. There was a group huddled to one side that I couldn’t look away from, and not just because they were holding weapons. Some had bows with quivers strung over their backs, whilst others held crossbows, but that wasn’t what I was enthralled by. It was how happy they looked. They were laughing. Every single person there was smiling.

“This one’s Ms Brice’s office,” Rodgers said gently, pointing at the door directly opposite the window. “Shall we?”