Inescapable Escapism

A smile came to my face as I hugged Seth back, my eyes shutting. It felt kind of strange to be pressed against his body. I’d hugged people before, obviously, but never really a guy that I wasn’t related to. Duncan had hugged me a couple of times, but he was probably the only one before Seth. I liked it, though.

Self-consciousness washed over me. We’d been hugging for too long, and I wasn’t sure what to do. Was Seth waiting for me to pull back? Or did he just not want to let go yet? I wasn’t sure, but I loosened my grip on him, just in case. His arms tightened around me for just a second before he did the same.

As I pulled back, I couldn’t help looking up at him. His eyes found mine before darting lower. He was looking at my lips, I realised. Nerves shot through me, and my eyes flicked away from his. He was slightly taller than me, just tall enough that I’d need to stretch up on my tiptoes to be able to kiss him. It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch, though.

A soft sound came from behind me as someone moved slightly, and I pulled back, remembering that there were other people there. I wasn’t sure how I’d managed to forget, but I had. Embarrassment washed through me as I felt my cheeks heating up. I’d actually been debating kissing Seth with the others right there.

“So?” Katie asked as I stepped away from Seth, a smirk on her face. “What happened? What did Rodgers say?”

I hesitated as Rodgers’ request echoed in my ears. He’d asked me not to tell anyone what we’d spoken about, and I’d said I wouldn’t. It felt like an easy thing to agree to at the time, but it meant I had no clue how to answer Katie. I couldn’t, not really.

“He didn’t say much,” I said awkwardly. “Just that I’ve passed, and I’m moving out of the induction wing.”

That felt like an okay response. It was better than saying nothing, and surely Rodgers would be okay with it; I didn’t give them any details, and I didn’t exactly lie to them. It was the best that I could do, but it seemed like I’d said the wrong thing. The smile slipped from Katie’s face, and I felt the atmosphere in the room change.

“You’re leaving?” Katie asked, her eyebrows drawing together.

“Now?” Scott added, sounding surprised.

My eyes flicked between them.

“Yeah.”

“That makes sense,” Abbie said, her tone subdued. “There’s no point in you staying here if you’re ready to go.”

I had to bite my lip as the urge to tell them that I wasn’t ready bubbled up within me. I didn’t feel it. It was too scary. I’d be alone out there in the Academy, and I didn’t want to be. But I couldn’t say that to them. Even just thinking it felt so childish and immature. It would make me sound like a kid, clinging to their parent’s leg and begging them not to leave them alone at school. And that’s exactly how I felt.

The tutors decided that I was ready, though. Rodgers too. They all thought that I’d done enough and could move out, so I had to. I didn’t want to disappoint them and had no other option. If I said that I wasn’t, it would look terrible. They’d know how much of a coward I was, and I couldn’t do that. I wanted to be a spy, and they were brave, so I had to do that.

Katie’s lips started to stretch up into a smile, but the expression didn’t reach her eyes. She somehow still looked sad, even though she was hiding it well. She’d done it before, I realised. She must have had a lot of practice. I did, too. Maybe that was how I looked when I made myself smile so people wouldn’t ask questions. Or perhaps I was better at hiding it. I could still see how upset Katie was. If people could see that when I did it, they probably would have asked to make sure I was okay, wouldn’t they?

“So… what now?” Katie asked, her tone slightly too upbeat.

“I need to grab a few things from our room, and then Rodgers is going to take me through to the main part of the Academy,” I said, hiking the duffle back higher on my shoulder.

“Great! We’ll come with you,” Katie decided, taking me by surprise.

I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t expect them to do that. I thought I’d have to say goodbye to them quickly in the library and then go to my dorm by myself, but I was glad. It meant I got a little bit longer with them, and I knew that if I did go alone, I’d spend the entire time when I was meant to be packing, panicking and worrying. At least with them there, I’d be distracted from having to think too much.

Katie grinned at me as she started to turn, but Scott spoke, stopping us from walking away.

“Wait, are we allowed to come with?” he asked, gesturing towards Seth, who looked confused.

“Yeah, I don’t see why not?” Katie said, looking equally baffled.

Scott’s cheeks started to colour.

“You know… because it’s a girl’s dorm, and people might think something’s going on…”

Scott trailed off, and I glanced at Katie. Her eyes widened as she realised what Scott was implying.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Seth said, his tone smooth and confident.

Scott glanced at him, his expression uncertain, before nodding. Katie didn’t even look at Scott as she turned and started to move towards the exit. I followed her, trying to hide the smile that came to my face. The way they acted with each other was just so cute. It was so obvious they were into each other, but neither said anything.

They must have known, though. Scott’s feelings towards Katie seemed so clear every time he even just looked at her, and she didn’t hide hers much better. Even after how much they’d kissed during truth or dare, they still were trying to hide it. Part of me wanted to just say something so that they could just start dating.

“So…” Abbie said, causing me to glance back at her. “Was there a test or something that you had to pass?”

I looked away quickly as panic flared in my heart. How was I meant to answer her? I’d managed to get around talking about it before when Katie had asked me, but it seemed impossible to avoid it any longer. The question was too direct. I couldn’t just say no and leave it there, but I also didn’t want to lie.

My mind raced as I tried to think of something to say. Nothing felt good enough. Every single thing I thought of was either a complete lie or would invite more questions, and I didn’t want to do that either. But I needed to answer her. She was waiting for me to. I could feel her eyes burning into the back of my head as Seth pulled the library door open for us to walk through.

I glanced up at him, smiling distractedly, but I had to look away again too quickly. He was watching me, and I didn’t want him to see the indecision on my face. He was too attentive, too aware. He’d know something was going on.

“Not really…” I replied finally.

It didn’t feel like enough, and annoyance flared within me, but I knew I couldn’t say more. I didn’t want to get them or myself in trouble.

“Did you get told not to tell us?” Seth asked, causing me to wince.

I knew it. I shouldn’t have looked at him in the first place. He always saw too much of me, and that made me so uneasy. His question worried me, too, even though his tone hadn’t been judgemental.

“Yeah,” I said awkwardly.

“Oh,” I heard Abbie say.

“But I didn’t do a test or anything,” I hurried to say, wanting to reassure her and choosing my words carefully. “I didn’t really do anything special. It’s just what we’ve already been doing…”

I trailed off, scared that I’d said too much. I hadn’t, not really. I mean, I didn’t tell them to focus more on learning or anything like that. It was just the truth.

“Mmm,” Seth said, his expression thoughtful.

“So… if we keep doing what we’re doing, we might pass soon, too?” Katie asked quietly, but I could hear the excitement in her voice.

“Yeah,” I agreed, opening my mouth to say more before shutting it again.

It felt risky to say anything more, but I really wanted to tell them that Rodgers had said some people were close to passing. They would have asked me who, I realised, and I had no clue. I should have asked Rodgers. He might not have answered, but I should have at least asked. Even if I couldn’t tell the others, it would have been nice to know.

Maybe it wasn’t any of them, though. It could have been someone else in our cohort. One of the others that I barely knew, perhaps. I hoped not. I was going to be in the main Academy without anyone I knew, and it would be nicer to have one of my friends there. Plus, it made sense for it to be one of them. I’d passed because of how hard I was working, and they were all doing the same. We went to the library and studied together. If I passed, they should too.

Unless there was something else holding them back. Maybe they had to have more medical tests or something. Worry started to creep into my mind, making my stomach turn. They all had more appointments than I did, I realised slowly. I could remember them leaving class a few times, and I didn’t know why. Katie said hers was about her ADHD. She had to have her medication changed or something. Apparently, she’d been on it for years, and her dad stopped taking her to the checkups., so it hadn’t been working properly for a while.

Scott’s appointments were for his shoulder, I was pretty sure. He’d dislocated it early on whilst climbing before he’d started joining me for the lessons with Rodgers. He had to have physical therapy on it to make sure he didn’t cause permanent damage. He’d told me about that before, but he said it was healing well, so it probably wouldn’t hold him back from passing the induction.

I wasn’t sure about Abbie and Seth, though. Abbie hadn’t said anything about her medical appointments, and I hadn’t asked. It felt wrong to, but I wished I had. It would have been nosy, but at least I would have known what was going on with her and if she was okay. Surely, she wouldn’t have passed the testing if there was an issue, though. She had her meeting early on. They probably would have mentioned it then, or they would have kicked her out.

Unless it was a minor thing, like a vitamin deficiency or something. Someone had mentioned those early on and said they were really common. Maybe they were just waiting for that to be sorted before passing her too.

Seth worried me, though. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye as we walked through the wing. He had the most appointments out of anyone, and I had no clue why. It was probably nothing, though, I tried to reassure myself. Like Abbie and the rest of us, he passed the testing, and he wouldn’t have if there were a problem. The thought did make me feel a little better, but I was still worried.

Katie looped her arm through mine, the touch making me jump slightly.

“I’m going to miss you,” she said, pouting at me.

Seth laughed, and I glanced up at him in confusion.

“It’s not forever,” he said. “I mean, I’m going to miss you too, but we’ll get to see you again soon, right?”

There was a hint of uncertainty and worry in his voice that made my heart start to race. He said he’d miss me, too. Should I say it back? Or would that be weird? I wanted to tell him that I would, but it felt like too much. Plus, Katie had said it first. I couldn’t just not include her.

“I’m going to miss you guys, too,” I said, smiling at Seth before looking away quickly. “But yeah, I’m sure it won’t be too long until you all pass.”

“I hope not! But at least when we get out of here, you’ll be able to show us around the Academy,” Katie said, letting go of my arm and pushing the dorm door open.

My heart clenched. I wasn’t sure why, but the thought of being responsible for that scared me. It was something I was already worrying about, and Katie mentioning it just made me feel worse.

“Yeah,” I agreed, but my tone was not as enthusiastic as I meant it to be.

Luckily, I couldn’t really worry about it too much. I was too distracted by a new worry. Seth was in our room. He was in my room. I shared it with the others, and the room was fairly tidy, but I still felt strange. It made me feel vulnerable, in a way, and I wasn’t sure why. It was my room, where I slept and lived, and he was just standing in the middle awkwardly.

Katie didn’t seem to feel the same way. She’d walked straight into the room and dropped onto her bed, but she wasn’t looking at me. Her eyes were on Scott. He hovered by the door as if expecting to be told to leave at any second.

“You don’t need to just stand there,” Katie called to him, making him jump and look at her with an almost guilty look. “Come sit down.”

He hesitated for a few more seconds, his eyes darting around the room, before he walked towards her and perched woodenly on the edge of her bed. Katie met my gaze, a slight smile pulling at her lips. I returned the smile before looking away, my eyes finding Seth. I wasn’t sure what to say to him. Part of me wanted to say that he could sit on my bed if he wanted, just like Katie had done, but I didn’t have the confidence to.

“I’ll start in the bathroom, I guess,” I muttered, turning away from him.

I mostly just wanted to get out of the room. It felt so awkward and uncomfortable, and I didn’t know what to do. Plus, I did need to pack my toiletries, so I had a pretty good excuse not to be in there.

“Your room is pretty similar to ours,” I heard Seth say from the bedroom.

I started slipping my toothbrush and toothpaste into the side pocket of the bag, moving quietly and listening to hear the response.

“Oh, really?” Katie said.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s identical, but ours is flipped. The beds are against the other wall.”

“Huh, fair enough.”

Dropping my bottle of mouthwash into my bag, I turned and looked around the bathroom. I wasn’t really sure what to grab. I had shampoo and conditioner, but it felt almost wrong to take it. It was like I was stealing, which I knew was stupid. I hadn’t bought it, though, and the other girls might want to use it. They wouldn’t be able to if I took it. But then, they had their own, so it was probably fine. And they could always order more if they wanted.

Even so, guilt burnt within me as I placed the bottles into my bag before turning towards the sink again and grabbing a handful of sanitary towels from the basket there. I scanned the room carefully as I shoved them into my bag. We didn’t have that much stuff, but I felt like I couldn’t forget anything. It was stupid. I knew that I probably wouldn’t get in trouble for it, but I couldn’t just walk back into the induction wing if I had.

Checking the room once more, I nodded to myself before leaving the bathroom and walking towards my wardrobe. Eyes followed me as I crossed the room, but I didn’t look at them. I didn’t want to. I knew that if I did, I’d either get sad about leaving or I’d get asked more questions, and I didn’t want that. Instead, I just focused on shoving my clothes into my bag.

“Oh, they wear the uniform out there too?” Abbie asked, and I glanced back at her.

“Umm… yeah, I think so. Rodgers said I could bring it, so I assume so,” I said, uncertainty rushing through me.

I didn’t know, actually, but I assumed they did. The Academy was a school, kind of. It made sense that they’d wear a uniform, but it could be different to the one that we wore in the induction. I’d seen it, though. When I’d gone for my meeting with Ms Brice and Rodgers, I’d seen some of the other kids through the window. They’d been wearing a uniform, I was almost certain.

“Huh, that makes sense,” Katie said as I finished shoving the last of my clothes into the bag and zipped it up.

My eyes scanned the room before landing on Seth, and my heart clenched. He was sitting on my bed. There was nothing scandalous about that, I knew, but it still made me feel a little unsteady.

“Have you got everything?” he asked.

“I think so,” I started to say before stopping myself. “Oh, wait. My bags.”

The two suitcases I’d brought from home were under my bed, and I walked towards it. Seth’s eyes remained on me as I bent down and pulled them out.

“Are you sure you have everything?” Katie asked, standing up and looking around the room. “You have your toothbrush?”

“Yeah, got it,” I said.

“Great. Are you ready to go?”

I hesitated, almost not wanting to answer. It felt like a big question, like I was telling them I was ready to turn my back and leave them behind, but I knew I was being ridiculous.

“I think so,” I replied.

Katie’s smile appeared forced as she climbed off the bed, and I had to look away as sadness started to pull at me. I’d see them again soon, I reassured myself. It was only temporary.

“Do you want me to take your suitcases?” Seth asked.

I looked down at the bags, feeling bad.

“Umm, if you don’t mind?”

“Of course not,” he replied, reaching out to take the handles from me.

His fingers brushed against mine, and instinctively, I pulled my hand away. Guilt shot through me, and I smiled up at him, hoping that he wouldn’t think I didn’t want him to touch my hand. It wasn’t that; he just took me by surprise, and I assumed it was a mistake. That was just my usual reaction to someone touching me.

“Okay, let’s go, I guess,” Katie said with a heavy sigh before turning and walking out of the dorm room.

I followed her reluctantly, my feet dragging slightly as we started along the corridor and down the stairs. No one spoke as we walked, and I couldn’t bring myself to break the silence. I didn’t really have anything to say, and anxiety had started to build in me again. I was leaving the induction wing. In a few minutes, probably less time, I was going to leave the wing and probably never step foot in it again.

Dizziness pulled at me as we turned a corner, and Rodgers’ classroom came into view, but I batted it away. I didn’t want to return to reality. The timing was terrible. I was about to say goodbye to my friends and go into the main school for the first time. I didn’t want to miss that. I knew I wasn’t going to say goodbye to them permanently, but I had no clue how long it would take them to pass the induction period. If it took weeks until I got to see them again, I didn’t want it to be just a memory and nothing more.

My steps slowed as we pulled closer, and so did the others. I think we were all trying to drag out the last few seconds, but there was no point. The door to Rodgers’ classroom opened, and he stepped out into the hall. His eyes found us immediately, and a smile came to his face.

“I thought I heard you lot,” he called. “Hello. Good evening so far?”

“Yeah, it’s been pretty good,” Katie said, her tone making her words sound like a lie.

Rodgers’ smile turned sympathetic.

“Ah, it’s always hard when a friend leaves, but you’ll see Grace again soon!” he reassured us. “Is there anything else you need to grab?”

I swallowed nervously.

“No. I think I have everything,” I told him.

“Okay, great! Say your goodbyes, and let’s go!”