Inescapable Escapism

Dizziness slammed into me as I opened my eyes, my heart racing in fear and excitement. I looked around frantically, trying to work out why Mom had shouted. She sounded furious, but she wasn’t even looking at me. Her eyes were fixed on the road ahead as she slammed her hand into the horn.

“Absolute moron!” she cried again, and I sagged back against my seat in relief. “Does he not have eyes? I was right there! He must have seen me, but he just pulled out! He could have killed me!”

Embarrassment washed over me as I watched her gesturing obscenely at the car in front. Hopefully, the driver wouldn’t see her. They were far enough ahead that they might not, even though Mom was speeding up to catch up with them. There was a fair bit of space between us, though. It didn’t seem like they’d done anything particularly dangerous, but Mom was irate. I glanced at her again, making sure she wasn’t about to say anything to me, before reaching out for the familiar dizziness.

I couldn’t speak. My brain didn’t want to form actual thoughts. It started to, getting halfway through one before fizzling out. I was in shock. That’s what it was. I was so surprised by what Rodgers had said that I didn’t know what to do or how to process it. All I could do was just stare at him.

I’d passed the induction period. That’s what he’d said to me just before I’d been pulled out of the world. Somehow, I had managed to do it, but I just… couldn’t understand why or how. It didn’t make sense to me. There was nothing that I’d done that the others hadn’t. I had been working hard, of course, but so had Katie and Abbie. Scott and Seth had too. I’d seen it. We’d all been in the library studying together, but I was the only one being singled out.

Maybe it was because of the lessons I had with Rodgers. That was the only thing that I could think of that made sense. I had extra lessons with him instead of the fitness class because of my injury. Perhaps that made him be more aware of me, and that was why I was being singled out.

But then, Scott would have been, too. He was in the class with us. There had to be something else. I just wasn’t seeing it.

“You okay there, Grace?” Rodgers asked, his eyes sparkling with barely suppressed mirth.

I blinked, trying to find something to say to him. My mouth was open, I realised belatedly. I had just been staring at him with my mouth hanging open ever since he told me I’d passed. Quickly, I shut it, trying to look less gormless.

“Yeah,” I said, aware of how long it had been since I spoke last. “Sorry, yes, I’m fine. I just… I don’t get it.”

Rodgers chuckled softly.

“What don’t you get?”

Everything. I didn’t understand anything, but I couldn’t think of a way to say that to him without sounding ungrateful. I was grateful; of course, I was. I was just so confused.

“Why me?” I asked finally, causing his lips to twitch again.

“Well… it’s quite simple, actually. Like I said before, you’ve been doing really well since you got here, and your other teachers and I don’t think you need to be in the induction wing anymore. You’ve gained everything you need to from this place, and you’re ready to move into the main school.”

His words did not clarify anything. They just confused me even more.

“Why?” I said without thinking before catching myself and adding, “I mean, what about the others?”

“What about them?” Rodgers asked.

“Have they passed, too?”

He hesitated, his eyes flicking towards his screen again. I had to fight the urge to rush around the table and read whatever he was looking at.

“Not yet,” he said slowly. “A couple are close, but you’re the first of your cohort to pass.”

My mind started to spin as worry started to invade.

“So… I’m going to be alone out there?” I said.

“Not at all,” Rodgers was quick to reassure me. “There are so many kids in the Academy, but most are a little older than you.”

“Oh,” I said, looking down at my hands.

That made things worse.

“You’ll be able to meet some of them tomorrow or when you start your lessons on Monday.”

My breath caught in my throat.

“I’ll have lessons with them?” I asked, my voice coming out more high-pitched than I meant it to, but Rodgers didn’t seem to notice.

“Some. It depends on the class,” he explained. “In some, you’ll be with trainees from other cohorts who have the same level of knowledge in the topic as you, but for others, you’ll be by yourself for now. As more of your cohort pass their induction period, they’ll join you. I don’t think you’ll be having any one-on-one classes permanently.”

I watched as he scanned the screen, searching for the answer before nodding. My heart was racing. The idea of being in a class with other people who were probably older and had been in the Academy for longer than I had scared me so much, but I also hated the thought of being by myself. It would be horrible. At least if I were with other people, the teacher wouldn’t pick on me. I could look to the other trainees to answer them.

It wouldn’t be permanent, I tried to reassure myself, but it didn’t help. It was still happening. I’d still need to put up with it for a while, and I wasn’t sure how long that would be. Rodgers said some people were close to passing, but that could be any amount of time. Until then, I would be alone in the Academy, surrounded by other people who all terrified me.

I knew I was being a wimp, but I couldn’t help it. I tried to push the fear aside, though. That wasn’t who I was in that world. I was better than that, braver. I didn’t need to be scared or worried about what was going to happen.

Forcing myself to sit up straighter and stop gripping my hands quite so tightly, I looked at Rodgers and asked, “What happens now?”

Rodgers examined me for a moment, but I held his gaze, ignoring my still racing heart. A smile grew on his face. He looked almost proud.

“That’s up to you, really,” he said. “Either you can go to your dorm and grab anything you want to bring to the main school, toiletries, your uniform or whatever else you might want, or we can head there now. You’ll be able to order anything you need once you get to your room, and someone can collect your suitcase and belongings later, if you’d prefer.”

I’d made my decision before he’d even finished speaking. I hated the idea of leaving without seeing the others. Even just Rodgers’ mention of it made guilt shoot through me. I knew that I wasn’t going to leave without seeing them if I could help it, but still, I felt horrible. They’d think that I’d been kicked out; I knew that they would. It was too soon for me to pass the induction, too soon for anyone to pass it, really. It still didn’t make sense, but if I told them myself, that would be better. I might be able to get them to understand, even if I still couldn’t.

Plus, I did need to go back to our dorm. I had stuff there that I knew I should probably bring with me. My suitcase was still tucked under my bed, and it felt weird to leave it there. I hadn’t even opened it since I’d gotten to the Academy, but I had to take it with me. It was the only thing I had from home, and I didn’t want to leave it behind.

“I’d like to go to my dorm first,” I said. “But can I go back to the library and see my friends before I go, too?”

Rodgers hesitated, and I watched his face hopefully.

“Yes,” he said eventually, “And I’m really sorry, but I am going to have to ask you to be careful about what you say to them.”

His tone worried me.

“What can I say?” I asked, fear starting to nip at me again. “Can I tell them I’ve passed?”

“You can, but you can’t repeat anything else we’ve spoken about,” Rodgers said, looking uncomfortable. “They might ask you how to pass the induction too, and I’d really appreciate it if you just say you’re not sure.”

I nodded.

“I will,” I promised. “Why can’t I mention the dedication and aptitude stuff? Ms Brice told me about it before, and I’m pretty sure it was in a textbook, too.”

“It wouldn’t be fair,” Rodgers replied with a sigh that made me think he didn’t necessarily agree with what he was saying. “If they know how important it is, they might work harder for the wrong reasons. It wouldn’t be them showing that they want to learn but that they just want to pass, and that makes things difficult for us.”

“Oh,” I said.

It kind of made sense, but I didn’t think it really mattered. I knew my friends well, and I was pretty sure it wouldn’t change how much effort they were putting in. They were already spending so much time in the library and doing extra reading. They’d still do that if they knew it was what the teachers were looking out for.

“Yeah. Sorry,” Rodgers said.

“It’s fine,” I replied quickly. “I wasn’t planning on telling them anything. I just didn’t want them to worry about me.”

Rodgers’ expression brightened, and he smiled.

“I’m sure they won’t,” he said before reaching towards something on the floor. “Well, I’ve got this for you in case you want to pack anything. I’ll wait down here until you’re ready to go, if you don’t mind, but please don’t take too long. I didn’t eat enough for dinner, and I want to get to the canteen before they finish serving for the evening.”

He held the bundle of fabric out to me, and I took it from him automatically as confusion washed over me. Dinner? It was dinner time. Or later than that. I had no clue. I remembered having a meal a few hours before, but that was lunch. Or at least, I thought it was. It felt like lunch.

Was I missing something? Had I missed a few hours? I didn’t recall going to dinner, and some of the day was a blur, but was that normal? I couldn’t perfectly remember every day, but that was fine. It was the same in real life. I didn’t remember every single hour; they blurred together, but I generally wasn’t missing chunks.

Maybe it was normal. It could have been. I’d had a busy day, been in and out of the world a lot. Perhaps that was why.

“Yeah, that’s the Academy crest,” Rodgers said, smiling down at the bag in my hands fondly. “It’s pretty subtle, I think, but I like it.”

I blinked, pushing my worries aside and actually focused on the emblem embroidered into the navy fabric. Rodgers was right; it was subtle. There was nothing about the shield, emblazoned with a roaring lion and topped with a crown, that really caught my eye. The red and gold stitching was flawless, but it could have been anything. I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was the logo for some fancy private school.

“Me too,” I agreed.

“Fantastic. Do you have any other questions, or are you ready to go?”

“I’m ready to go see the others,” I said quickly, my heart skipping a beat.

I knew that was probably what he meant. He wasn’t asking if I was ready to leave the induction wing without seeing them, but I didn’t want to risk it. We’d already talked about it, already agreed to it, but it was still a worry I had.

“Great. I’ll be right here when you’re ready,” he said, clearly dismissing me.

I nodded and stood, my legs barely wanting to hold me up. I felt strangely numb. I was still in shock, but the feeling was slowly draining out of me, leaving me with nothing. Exhaustion. That remained. I had no real reason to be so tired, but I was. It was the thought of what was to come. I was preemptively drained by it, and that was stupid.

I couldn’t help it, though. The next few… however long it would be until the rest of my friends joined me in the Academy, were going to be tough. It was going to be stressful and tiring, and I’d constantly be surrounded by new people and feel out of my depth. But I was excited, too. It was muted, tentative, but definitely there, I realised as I reached the door and glanced back at Rodgers, who had begun typing again.

He looked up at me for a second, and I held my breath, waiting for him to say that it was just a joke and I hadn’t passed yet. It was a test, maybe. They wanted to see how I’d react to being told that or maybe the disappointment of not actually being ready, but Rodgers simply smiled at me before looking back down at his screen.

Slowly, I let out the breath I was holding and walked through the doorway into the empty hall. My hands were shaking, and I squeezed them into fists, gripping the bag tighter and trying to work out if it was fear or excitement that was making me tremble, but it was impossible to know. The Academy was what I wanted, I told myself, half believing it. And it was going to be fun. The teachers had all told us that. There was so much we couldn’t do in the induction wing that we’d be able to do once we passed and were let out into the main building.

I was going to miss it, though. The induction wing. I hadn’t been there that long, not really, but it felt kind of like home. Not exactly like it. I felt safe there. I didn’t know everyone in my cohort, and I was fully aware that there were weapons and countless things in the wing that could hurt me, but I was comfortable there. I didn’t feel like that often, and I liked it.

A strange feeling of melancholy slipped over me. I wasn’t ready to leave. There was so much that I still didn’t know, and although I knew I wasn’t expected to know everything before going, I wanted to. It would make me feel better about it. It wasn’t just what I didn’t know that was making me worry; there was something else.

I was the first trainee from my cohort who had passed the induction. That was terrifying. There would be so much pressure on me to do good and be well-adjusted by the time the next person comes out. I had to be. I wanted to set a good example for them and also be able to show them around the Academy and let them know what it was like, but that felt like so much pressure. More than I was capable of withstanding.

Somehow, I was at the library doors already. I didn’t push them open, though. I didn’t really want to. Once I opened the doors, the others would see me, and I’d need to talk to them. I wanted to, obviously, but I’d need to tell them what was going on, and I didn’t know how to. I should have thought about it on the walk back. That would have been much better than just spending the entire journey oscillating between panicking and being gripped by excitement, but I didn’t, and I’d run out of time.

But I needed to at least pull myself together a little before I saw them. I probably looked terrible. Raising a hand, I pushed the hair back from my face and sucked in a deep breath, standing up taller. That was a good start, and I started to reach for the doors before stopping myself.

Dizziness washed over me as I pulled back from the world ever so slightly. I didn’t want to leave it properly; I just needed to know what was happening in my world. If we’d gotten to the cafe already, and I had to talk to my mom, it would make things more difficult for me. I’d be having two conversations where I probably had to be careful and choose my words deliberately, and that would be hard to do.

Luckily, we were still driving. I glanced around, checking to see where we were. Relief washed over me. I wasn’t sure where we were going exactly, but I could tell we weren’t close to a town yet, and that meant I had time to speak to my friends before I’d need to talk to Mom.

Returning to my other world, I took another deep breath and looked down. The bag Rodgers had given me was still balled in my fist. I’d been clutching it ever since I’d left his classroom, but I quickly lifted it onto my shoulder, taking a moment to appreciate how nice it felt. The material was so thick and heavy, the strap woven and clearly well made. It felt expensive, not that I had much experience with expensive bags.

Would the others ask me about the bag? I wasn’t sure, but the thought worried me. They might think that I was rubbing it in their faces that I was able to leave the wing and they couldn’t. I didn’t want them to feel like that. It wasn’t my intention at all, but they could easily misinterpret it and think the worst. There wasn’t anywhere for me to stash the bag, though, and it was too big to fit in my pockets.

I shook my head, trying to stop that thought. It was unnecessary. No one would think that I was showing off. They’d just assume that Rodgers had given me the bag to pack, which was exactly what had happened. I was just overthinking everything and panicking so that I didn’t need to actually face anyone yet, but that was stupid. I’d need to do it at some point, and Rodgers had asked me to be quick. I’d completely forgotten about that, somehow.

Shoving the library door open before I could stop myself, I marched into the room. It was silent and empty at first, but I knew my friends would still be in the room at the end where I left them. I walked through the aisle as fast as I could, my gaze bouncing around as nerves built within me, settling slightly when my eyes found them through the window.

They were still watching videos, I could tell from the muffled sound, but it was clear they weren’t really paying attention to it. Abbie’s gaze was fixed on the floor, and Katie gnawed at the skin around her fingernails, her expression worried. Even Seth looked concerned. As I watched, he shifted in his chair and glanced through the window, scanning the room.

His eyes widened as they fell on me, and I saw his lips move as he said something. The others looked up immediately, staring at me. There was a moment when no one moved before Abbie scrambled to pause the lesson, and they jumped out of their chairs.

Katie raced down the aisle and crashed into me, hugging me tightly.

“I thought you’d been kicked out!” she cried. “I was so worried.”

“It’s okay. I’m not leaving,” I told her, hugging her back and feeling the bag start to slip down my arm.

Katie squeezed me harder for a couple of seconds before pulling back.

“Are you okay?” she asked. “What did Rodgers want?”

I hesitated, my mind racing as I tried to form an answer, but I couldn’t think of a good way to phrase it.

“Why are you carrying a bag?” Abbie asked, her eyes fixed on it.

The others glanced at it, and I quickly adjusted the strap, putting it back onto my shoulder.

“Umm…” I started. “I’ve passed…”

No one said anything. They all just continued to stare at me, and I stared back. Their faces were blank, and there was nothing to give away how they were going to react until Katie spoke.

“What?”

“Yeah,” I said, shifting uncomfortably. “That’s what Rodgers wanted to talk to me about. I’ve passed the induction period.”

“Oh, my god!” she shrieked, throwing her arms around me again. “Well done!”

Her words seemed to shatter the tension, and I saw Scott break into a smile.

“Yeah, congratulations!” he said.

I grinned at him and Abbie, who stood just behind him and was smiling too, before looking at Seth. I’d been worried about his reaction, but the moment I saw him, I knew I had no reason to be. He was smiling widely, and as soon as Katie let go of me, he pulled me into a hug.

“That’s awesome!” he said into my ear. “You deserve it.”