Inescapable Escapism

“Truth or dare!”

I stared down at the bottle nervously. It was pointing directly at me, and I wasn’t sure what to say. I wanted to choose both, really, but I knew I couldn’t. I hadn’t picked dare yet, though. Only Scott had.

That had surprised me. I didn’t expect him to choose it. He seemed happier to go along with whatever everyone else was doing, so I thought Katie would have to be the one to break that pattern. His cheeks were still flushed from the kiss, even though it had just been a quick peck on the lips.

Katie had lingered for a little longer, not pulling away straight away, but I think Scott must have gotten self-conscious. I understood that. I probably would feel embarrassed kissing someone in front of other people. It wouldn’t be too bad. Abbie, Katie and Scott seemed so kind and supportive, but I still would feel weird about it.

I did want to kiss Seth, though. It was just scary to say it. I’d hoped that the bottle would land on him and he’d choose dare, but that hadn’t happened. He hadn’t had the chance to yet. The bottle had only landed on him twice the entire game, but it felt like it had been me and Katie’s turn about a million times.

It was starting to frustrate me a bit. I’d decided to just wait until Seth chose dare, but I couldn’t. It might never happen, and that meant that I’d have to do it. That thought scared me, but at the same time, I felt a rush of bravery and courage wash through me.

“Dare,” I said, the word coming out much more confidently than I’d expected as I watched Seth out of the corner of my eye.

I wanted to see his reaction. I had to know if he was glad I’d chosen it or if he was nervous. It was hard to tell, though. It seemed like a smile was pulling at his lips, but he might have just been smiling. It wasn’t necessarily because I chose dare.

Katie was grinning, though. She cocked her head to one side, pretending to be thinking deeply about what to dare me to do.

“Hmm…” she said, deliberating the choices even though I knew what she was going to say.

I was pretty sure that everyone knew what she would say. It was just a charade. I appreciated it, though. Katie opened her mouth, appearing as though she had finally thought of a dare, but Abbie interrupted her before she could speak.

“I dare you to kiss Seth!” she blurted out, causing the rest of my friends to laugh.

My eyes darted towards Seth before I could stop them. He was definitely smiling. His cheeks were slightly pink, and I knew mine were burning too. I wasn’t sure why he was blushing, though. He wasn’t inexperienced like I was; that had come up earlier. One of the few times the bottle had landed on him, Katie had asked him about his history. Surely, a kiss was nothing to him. He’d made out with a handful of people.

But maybe there was more to his reaction than that. Perhaps he wasn’t really into me, and he was trying to work out how to tell me. That would have been embarrassing for him, maybe? Or maybe he was into me, and that was what was making him blush.

I wasn’t sure. He seemed it, but I wasn’t sure if I was reading too much into the way he was acting. He could have just been really nice. It was hard to believe anything else. I wanted to, but I don’t think I would have actually trusted that he had a crush on me unless he told me. Even then, I don’t know that I would have truly believed it.

Silence stretched over the room, and I forced an awkward laugh out.

“We don’t have to,” I said to Seth. “Not if you don’t want to.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I don’t mind!” he said quickly, causing my heart to sink. “I mean… I want to.”

I hesitated. He didn’t sound particularly convinced. If anything, it sounded like he was just trying not to hurt my feelings.

“Honestly, if you don’t want to—” I started, but he interrupted me.

“I do,” he said, smiling softly at me. “I promise.”

My heart felt like it skipped a beat. I wasn’t sure if it was Seth’s promise or maybe the gentle look on his face, but something caused butterflies to take flight in my stomach. I shuffled around awkwardly until I was facing Seth, copying the way that Katie and Scott had sat.

Uncertainty pounded in my heart. I didn’t know what to do. I’d never kissed anyone before, not like that. Other versions of me had, but that was different. I hadn’t actually been there when it was happening. It was just faint memories, nothing more.

Seth’s gaze lingered on my lips before returning to my eyes, and I couldn’t help leaning towards him. It felt like I was trapped in his gaze, slowly being pulled deeper and deeper underwater, but I didn’t care. It didn’t matter if I could breathe or whether I’d be able to escape the inky depths of his eyes.

My body jolted, and I was catapulted back into reality as the car came to a stop. Dizziness crashed into me, the sensation making me regret eating the entire cinnamon roll. I pressed my lips together, fighting against the nausea that threatened me.

We were back at the house. My grandparents' house. I didn’t remember the journey home or even leaving the café, but somehow, we’d gotten back to my grandparents’ house. Nothing interesting must have happened on the way. I would have been able to recall that. Unclipping my seatbelt, I started reaching for the door handle before realising something wasn’t right.

I longed to disappear back into the other world where I was still staring deeply into Seth’s eyes, but I couldn’t. I glanced back at my mom. She hadn’t moved ever since we came to a stop.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, feeling anxiety nibbling at me as I scanned the drive quickly.

We were definitely in reality. I was almost certain of it. The driveway looked the same as it always did; it felt the same. Even so, I couldn’t stop the quiet worry in the back of my head that told me something was very wrong.

Maybe it wasn’t really my mom. Perhaps she’d been replaced by a robot or a doll or some other horrible thing. An image forced its way into my mind. My mother turned towards me, her eyes wide and unblinking. They weren’t her eyes. They were someone else’s. No, not someone else’s. They’d been replaced, ripped out of her head, and cameras had been screwed into her eye sockets instead.

“Yes, of course,” my mother said, pulling me out of my imagination. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

I glanced at her again before shrugging. There was no reason for me to point out that she was just sitting in the car and making no attempt to go into the house. It would just drag out the conversation, and I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted to go back to the other world, to the place where I was about to have my first kiss.

“No reason,” I replied, reaching for the door handle again, my attention already slipping away.

“What are you going to do this afternoon?” she asked, pulling me back to reality as she flipped the sun visor down and stared at herself in the mirror.

I felt my guard start to rise. She didn’t ask me questions like that. Not unless she had a reason to do so. I could see her watching me out of the corner of her eye. She suspected that I was up to something.

My mind started to race as I tried to work out the quickest way to end the conversation without her accusing me of something ridiculous so that I could get back to the other world before I missed what was about to happen. Time was moving so slowly there, but I couldn’t risk leaving the world and letting myself answer her automatically. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust myself, but I just didn’t know what I’d say, and that could be dangerous.

If I said something stupid without paying attention, it could ruin everything for me. I might blurt something out, say the wrong thing. If she found out about my fantasies, about my other worlds, I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. She’d mock me endlessly. I’d never live it down.

Or would it be worse than that? Would she take me to a doctor or a psychiatrist? That would be horrible. I knew what I was doing wasn’t normal, but the idea of someone else saying that, of having to explain it all to someone and then having them tell me that I was a freak, made my queasiness return.

Which would be worse for my mom? She cared so much about how other people viewed her and me, by extension. She would hate for others to know what I was doing; I knew that. Would she just mock me and hope I’d never mention my fantasies to anyone else to risk other people knowing that I was abnormal, or would she force me to speak to a doctor? Have them do something or medicate me until I couldn’t disappear from reality ever again.

“I’m not sure. I was thinking about going for a run or maybe a swim,” I said, trying to sound as unfazed as possible.

I hadn’t been for a run in a week or so, not since I’d been shot in the other world, and I’d hurt myself somehow in my normal world. I did want to go for a few more before we left. It was easier to go for runs when I was in Scotland. I felt less self—conscious and didn’t need to worry about coming across people I knew like I was at home.

My mom’s eyes narrowed slightly, and her gaze was fixed on me.

“A run might be a bad idea. I think it’s going to rain soon,” she said, her tone pointed.

I had no clue what she was trying to hint at, but I glanced out the window at the cloud-free sky. Agreeing would be the easier way to end the conversation and get back to Seth. Our lips hadn’t met yet. I still had time.

“Yeah, good point,” I said. “I’ll probably just go for a swim then.”

My mom smiled triumphantly and finally reached for the door. I didn’t even hesitate before diving back into my other world. Seth’s face was so close to mine, his gaze flicking between my lips and my eyes. I swallowed nervously, my tongue darting out to wet my lips before panic gripped me.

What if that was a mistake? It might have made my lips too wet, and that would be weird. But was it worse than my lips being too dry? They both felt wrong, but I didn’t know what to do. What was the perfect level of moisture for my lips? I should have brought a lip balm or something.

“Maybe you shouldn’t go for a swim either,” my mom said as she retrieved a bag from the boot.

I had no clue what was in it. I didn’t remember stopping anywhere else or picking anything up, but it didn’t matter. I barely paid attention to it as I fought the urge to return fully to reality, staying mostly in my fantasy as irritation flared within me.

“Why?” I asked, my tone colder than it should have been.

I was too annoyed by her constant interruptions. I just wanted her to stop talking to me and leave me alone, but instead, she was faffing and taking her time to walk across the drive towards the front door. It felt intentional, like she knew I didn’t want to talk to her, and she was messing with me.

“You look like you’ve been losing weight recently,” my mom said, her lip curling. “It’s in all the wrong areas. If you’re not careful, you’ll have the body of a boy. Not that you had many curves to start with…”

Her gaze flitted up and down my body, a smirk appearing on her face. I didn’t care. I couldn’t bring myself to be hurt by her words; I just wanted her to hurry up and open the door.

“Maybe I’ll just read a book then,” I said flatly as Katie giggled in my other world.

My mom looked irritated. She wanted me to get upset or argue with her, and it wasn’t happening. She didn’t normally pick fights with me when we were in Scotland, but it did happen sometimes. Usually, it was when something annoyed her or if she had seen one of her old school friends and they were doing better than her.

“You’ve been reading a lot lately,” she said, the sentence coming out like an accusation. “It seems like you always have your nose buried in your phone. You’ll get a humpback if you’re not careful.”

“Mmm,” I replied.

My mom opened her mouth again, but the world around me changed. Seth’s lips met mine. They were warm and surprisingly soft. I hadn’t expected that. I wasn’t sure what I expected from him, though. We were doing it. I was having my first kiss!

I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to move or pull away or anything else, but my mind was moving too quickly. How long was I meant to just stay there with my lips pressed against him? What was the normal length of time for a kiss? I really didn’t know. Would it be weird if I pulled away first? I wasn’t sure.

Maybe. It might make Seth think that I wasn’t enjoying the kiss or that I didn’t actually want to be kissing him, and that wasn’t true. But then, what was I meant to do? I could just wait until he started to pull away and then do the same? That was a better idea. He was more experienced than I was, so he’d know what to do.

I was overthinking it, and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop. I needed to just turn my brain off and enjoy my first kiss. My first kiss with Seth. I couldn’t, though. My thoughts were moving too quickly; they wouldn’t stop. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking and worrying about the kiss and if I was doing something wrong.

Seth started to pull away, and I quickly did the same, my cheeks burning as Katie let out a wolf whistle. It was hard to meet Seth’s gaze. I knew he was looking at me, but I was too worried about what I’d see. What if he looked disgusted? What if I had been so bad at kissing, or my lips had been too wet or too dry, and he hated it?

But I couldn’t stay away. My eyes found Seth’s, and a smile rose on his lips. I felt mine pull upwards too. He didn’t look grossed out. He looked almost shy. His gaze dropped to my lips, almost as if he wanted to kiss me again.

“Is that all you’ve been doing on there?” my mom asked.

“What?” I replied, only half returning to reality.

I was vaguely aware that we’d moved away from the car and were now standing in front of the front door. Mom had stopped digging around in her purse for her keys and was now looking at me again. Why had she even put her keys in her purse? I was the one carrying the bags, I realised slowly. There was no need for her to put them away in the short walk from the car to the door.

“Is that all?” I heard Katie tease. “Go on, kiss properly!”

My heart leapt, and I looked up at Seth, waiting to see his reaction.

“What else are you doing on your phone?” my mom asked slowly, like she was speaking to a young child. “You’re on it so often. I doubt you’re just reading books.”

I fought to keep my face blank. She was going to demand to look through my phone if I wasn’t careful, and I really didn’t want that. My texts from Duncan were still on there. I knew I should have deleted them, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to be able to read back over them, to analyse them and work out what he was trying to say to me. They made me smile; I didn’t want to lose them.

But there were more than just texts on my phone that I didn’t want my mom to see. The language and study apps would be bad too. She wouldn’t trust that I just wanted to learn; she’d assume there was some other reason. I wasn’t sure what she would think I was doing, but it would be bad.

She’d probably accuse me of being on drugs again or demand me to take a pregnancy test or something else. It wouldn’t be the first time. I wasn’t sure how studying would be linked to that, but she’d find a way to turn me wanting to do well in school into something terrible.

“Well, sometimes I text Phoebe too,” I said, deciding that almost telling the truth would be better than just lying.

“Just Phoebe?” she asked, her tone sharp.

“Yep.”

My mom shot me a doubting look before pulling her keys out of her purse. Faint dizziness gripped me as I blinked, and Seth appeared before me once more. He cocked an eyebrow at me, a slight smile still playing on his lips.

He didn’t move, though. He hadn’t leant in even slightly. He was letting me decide what I wanted to do and if I wanted to kiss him again. I did want to, but at the same time, I was unsure. It felt scary, and I wanted to talk to him, to ask him what he wanted. He must have wanted me to kiss him too, right? Otherwise, he would have pulled back or said something.

I swallowed, my gaze darting to his lips again. Before I could chicken out or change my mind, I leant forward. Not far, just enough that he’d get the hint and maybe take the lead. Relief crashed into me as a smile appeared on his face. One of his hands cupped my cheek softly as he pressed his lips against mine again.

It was different to our last kiss. Our lips weren’t still. His moved against mine, and my mouth opened ever so slightly. I waited anxiously, almost jumping when his tongue brushed against my lower lip. It was unexpected and felt kind of weird but nice. I let my lips open slightly wider, my tongue slipping out to copy the movement.

Katie let out a whoop, and I pulled back, my face burning.

“Damn, you two!” Katie cried. “Do you want us to leave and give you guys some privacy?”

I lifted a hand to my flushed cheeks, a grin on my lips.

“You’re the one who told us to kiss again!” I argued as the others laughed.

“Yeah, but I didn’t think it would be quite so… steamy!”

I laughed, peeking up at Seth. He was smiling too, despite his blush. I opened my mouth to say something to him before shutting it again. A creeping sensation was stretching across my arms. It was strange and prickling, but they looked fine. Nothing was touching me in that world.

I pulled back, returning to reality and looking down as the sensation grew. The hair on my arms was standing on end. We were standing outside still. Mom was struggling to open the door. The lock was stuck; that happened sometimes. It wasn’t that unusual, but for some reason, it just felt wrong. Something felt wrong. I couldn’t work out what it was, though.

Looking around again, I scanned our surroundings. I’d had the same feeling a few times whilst we’d been in Scotland. It felt like someone was watching me, but I couldn’t see anyone, not even the gardener. It had been him the last time. I had felt eyes on me, and when I looked up, he was there. But the front yard was empty. There was no one around.

“This damn lock,” my mother grunted, trying to force it open. “I thought they had it fixed!”

Maybe they did. Perhaps my grandparents had the lock fixed before, but it was broken again. Or someone had broken it intentionally. How hard was it to mess with a lock and stop it from being able to open? Probably not that hard, right? It had been mentioned in my Academy training. One of the teachers had mentioned it was easy enough to jam them, especially if they were old.

A shudder skittered down my spine, and I looked around again. I knew I was being ridiculous. My grandparents probably just hadn’t had anyone come out to fix the door, but I couldn’t help the paranoia that grew within me. The house was vulnerable, I realised as I glanced towards the gate. It was too far back from the road and hidden from view. There were a couple of cameras around the grounds, an ancient security system, but they were so obvious and barely worked. Plus, I wasn’t sure anyone even looked at the footage.

Someone could easily break into the house, and then what? It was too big. There were too many rooms. If someone got into the house, they could easily hide there for days. We didn’t go into all of the rooms that often. In fact, there were some rooms I never went into. I wasn’t allowed. Someone could hide in there, just waiting until we went to sleep, and then they’d strike.

“Aha!” my mom cried as the door finally opened. “I’ll call Mom in a minute and let her know she needs to fire the locksmith and get a better one.”

I followed her into the house quickly, trying to force my ridiculous worries out of my head. I was being stupid, and I knew it, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched. Even as the door closed behind us, the sensation remained. I put the bags down carefully, trying to be subtle as I peered down the hallway.

It looked the same as it had before we’d left, but that didn’t make me feel better. I wanted to search the house, checking every room, until I felt safe, but I couldn’t. My mom would ask questions. She’d want to know what I was doing, and I couldn’t explain.

There was no reason for anyone to be following me or watching me, I tried to tell myself. I was just a normal girl. I wasn’t the Grace from Mitch’s world who was potentially wanted by the Sterlings. I wasn’t a trainee spy, or a space pirate or anything else I’d been in the other worlds. I was just me. Normal, boring and plain. There was no reason for anyone to want me.