Inescapable Escapism

Abbie’s eyes darted back and forth as she tried to work out whether or not she wanted to play, causing anxiety to build within me. She looked so nervous, and that made me feel bad. It seemed like she didn’t want to play. There was something else holding her back, something more than just not wanting to kiss any of us. I understood her reluctance, though. Truth or dare wasn’t always fun. I knew that too well.

A memory floated to the surface of my mind, making my stomach clench with unhappiness. I tried to push it away, not wanting to remember it, but it refused to leave. I’d gone to a party a couple of years ago. It was back when I was only twelve or thirteen maybe, before I started drinking. It was all girls there, and we’d played truth or dare. I’d been too scared to choose dare, even though I didn’t want to choose truth either, and the idea of sitting out and not playing hadn’t even occurred to me.

I didn’t remember the question, thankfully. My brain must have blocked it out, and I was glad. I didn’t want to remember it. I wasn’t sure what had been said or who had asked it. But the way it made me feel had stuck with me. The hollowness in my stomach stuck with me for a long time. The awareness that everyone was looking at me and waiting for me to answer the cruel question was too much for me to cope with.

My mind jumped into overdrive, trying to come up with a way for me to avoid saying whatever it was that they wanted me to say. I’d panicked, suggested a dare instead, but one of them had just smiled at me and reminded me that I chose truth. Giggles echoed through my head as the memory gripped me. They’d laughed at my panic. They were enjoying it.

I was there alone. I had no one to look to, and no one helped me. I thought they were my friends. We’d gone to school together for so long, but not a single person came to my rescue and the one person I could rely on, Phoebe, wasn’t there. It wasn’t her fault. She was sick, had been throwing up all day, but still, I was furious at her.

It was misplayed, misdirected, but I’d felt so betrayed. It made me feel guilty looking back on it. Phoebe had apologised so much, and once I had told her what had happened, she was furious. More angry than I had been, even. I didn’t go to a party for a little while after that. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, and Phoebe never pushed. We just threw our own parties with just the two of us, and that was enough.

Of course, it didn’t last forever. That was Duncan’s fault. His endless optimism wore me down. He didn’t push or pressure me to go to the parties either, but he invited me nonetheless. I think he must have found out what had happened. Ella was at the party too. Most of the girls in our class were there. Someone would have told him that I’d run out of the party crying and hadn’t come back. People had talked about it at school. I’d heard them.

I’d walked home, hid in the field behind the house for a while and then told Mom that someone’s parent had dropped me home. She didn’t ask any questions and barely even looked at me before going back to watching television. I was glad, though. If she had, if she had asked me how the party went and why I was back so early, I probably would have broken down again.

Something like that could have happened to Abbie. It would explain why she looked so anxious; she was probably worried about it happening again. I would have been, should have been, but I’d forgotten about that party for some reason. It had taken a little while to come back to me.

I glanced at Katie, torn about what to do. I wanted to say something to make Abbie feel better, but I wasn’t sure what to say and hoped that Katie would know. She was silent, though. Her gaze was fixed on Abbie, her expression hopeful as she waited for her answer. She wasn’t going to say anything.

Looking back at Abbie, I wracked my brain. I wanted to reassure her, but at the same time, I didn’t know what to say. It was different for Abbie. If the game went poorly for me, and I couldn’t face staying in that world, I could leave. I didn’t want to, and it would make me sad, but I could walk away without looking back. Abbie didn’t have that option. It was her only world.

“If you don’t want to answer the truth or do a dare,” I started, “you don’t need to. We can always think of another question for you.”

Abbie’s eyes darted towards me, her expression surprised. I watched her carefully, trying to work out if I said the right thing. A smile stretched over her lips, and she looked down before nodding.

“We can play,” she mumbled.

“Yay!” Katie cheered. “But really, you don’t need to answer anything if you don’t want to. No one does!”

I smiled at her, but the movement felt forced. I wasn’t sure why, exactly. It was probably just nerves.

“Of course,” Seth added. “I mean, everyone has something they don’t want to talk about, right?”

“Yeah! Okay, cool. So… how should we start this? Should I choose truth or dare first, or should I just spin and then whoever it lands on goes first?” Katie asked, sounding a little unsure.

“I think spin it,” Scott said a little too quickly.

I watched him carefully, trying to work out why he’d said that. Was he hoping it would land on him? Or had he chickened out and was scared of what would happen if Katie was dared to kiss him? I wasn’t sure, but I knew I was going to have that as their dare, regardless of which one it landed on. They were so clearly into each other. Everyone must have been able to see it.

“Yeah?” Katie said, glancing at him. “Okay, here goes!”

She pushed some of the snacks to the side, clearing the centre of the group before deftly spinning the bottle. The room was silent as the bottle turned; the only sound was the soft brush of plastic moving against the polished wooden floor.

I’d been excited to play when Katie first suggested it, but as I watched the bottle turn, I felt that excitement fade. It was quickly being replaced with anxiety and dread. I wasn’t sure what to do or what was even causing it, but I didn’t want to play. It was a mistake. I wanted to stop the bottle, to stand and run far away from the room, away from the fantasy even, and not look back, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything as I watched the bottle slow before falling still.

“Oh!” Abbie said, relief that the bottle was not pointing at her evident in her voice.

I fought to keep my expression neutral and not let the reluctance show as I stared at the bottle. It was pointing right at me.

“Yay! Okay, Grace, truth or dare?” Katie asked, clapping her hands in excitement.

I hesitated, unsure how to answer her. For a brief moment, I was almost tempted to choose dare. It had been so tempting earlier, and I’d managed to convince myself that it was a good idea to play and that I’d be able to kiss Seth, but that conviction died quickly. The courage was gone.

It was too scary. I still wanted to kiss Seth, obviously, and I was pretty sure he wanted to kiss me too, but I couldn’t bring myself to choose dare. It was the first round, too. That made a difference because if I chose dare straight away and kissed him, then what? From what I’d seen in television shows and movies, the dares always got more and more intense. If we started with a kiss, where could we go from there?

I knew where it could lead, but I didn’t want it to. Not really. The thought of doing anything more than kissing anyone scared me. It made me feel too unsteady; I wasn’t ready. I’d never even kissed a boy before. I couldn’t be considering jumping straight to doing more.

“Truth,” I said, trying to make my voice sound more confident than I felt.

Katie leant back, narrowing her eyes.

“Hmmm,” she said thoughtfully.

Anxiety spiked within me. Katie had been nothing but nice to me since I had gotten to the Academy. She’d not done anything mean or cruel, but I was still terrified. She could still choose something horrible to ask me. She knew a couple of things about me. Probably enough to know what I didn’t want to talk about. She could ask something about that. My mom had come up a couple of times. They were foggy memories, bits from when I wasn’t actually there and was acting on autopilot. I hadn’t told her much, but I’d told her enough.

What if she asked me something about my mom or my life before I’d gone to the Academy? I didn’t want to answer that. I didn’t want to think about it, but I could not ask for a different question. I knew that I’d told Abbie it was okay, but it felt wrong for me to do it, and I wasn’t sure why.

There were other things that she could ask that I wouldn’t be able to answer, though. What if she asked me if I’d ever kissed a boy? Most normal people my age had; I was almost sure of that. I hadn’t, though. Not in real life. The opportunity had never really come up. I didn’t really even want to until recently. How could I say that without sounding like a loser?

Did that matter? If Abbie or Katie said they’d never kissed someone, I’d probably be surprised, but I wouldn’t judge them. They might, though. It would be different if Seth wasn’t there, but he was. He was sitting right next to me. I could feel his eyes on my face as I silently panicked. I didn’t want him to know that I’d never kissed anyone.

“So… Does anyone have any ideas?” Seth asked after a slight pause.

“Oh!” Katie gasped, her eyes widening. “I have the perfect question!”

I eyed her nervously. She was too excited, too animated, and that terrified me. The question was a bad one. It had to be. The urge to open my mouth and say that I changed my mind and actually wanted to do a dare rose within me, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“Okay…” I said cautiously. “What is it?”

“What’s your favourite colour?” Katie asked, her tone intense.

I couldn’t help the laugh that tumbled out of my mouth. The question was so random, so unexpected, that it took me by surprise. I had no clue how to answer her. I thought she was going to say something scary or invasive, but…

“Really?” Seth asked teasingly as Abbie and Scott laughed. “That’s the best you could come up with?”

Katie’s cheeks flushed red.

“Hey! I think it’s a good question!” she argued. “Can you think of a better one?”

Seth hesitated for a moment before replying.

“I guess not.”

“Exactly,” Katie shot back. “So, what’s your favourite colour, Grace?”

I smiled, enjoying their playful arguing, before opening my mouth to answer her and shutting it again. I wasn’t sure what to say. My initial thought was purple, but I didn’t know where that came from. I liked the colour, but it didn’t exactly feel like my favourite anymore. If it ever had been, that was. There were too many other options, too many conflicting thoughts.

The sea surrounding Spinalonga came to my mind immediately. The stunningly bright shade of blue that I hadn’t seen anywhere else. It was beautiful. So vibrant, yet clear when I was up close. I could see fish darting around in the shallows, some much bigger than I expected. That was such a lovely memory, even if it was tinged with guilt because of Mitch.

But there were other colours too. Other memories that invaded my mind. A sunrise. Vivid pink streaking the sky over the town where I once lived. The memory felt so real. I could feel the morning breeze on my face and the touch of a boy’s arm, the love of my life, around me as we watched the One Who Sees All paint the sky. It was a sombre memory. A sad day. My end was coming; I’d received the date of my sacrifice, but the beauty of the world stood out to me in that moment.

There were other sunrises that had stuck with me, though. Sunsets too, and none of them in the same world. I remembered the radiant shade of orange that had lit the murky, polluted sky on some planet, signalling that a new day was starting, one that would be filled with promise and fortune.

Green. A flash of deep green, more beautiful than anything else I had ever seen before, burst to the surface of my mind. I was on my knees, my hands scrambling in the dry earth around a small, resilient shoot. It had forced its way out of the cracked, drought-stricken dirt. The first crop of the summer. More would follow, and, for once, I would have enough to eat. I wouldn’t need to rely on the cruel government or go begging in the streets.

That had to be my favourite colour. It filled me with such hope. I’d almost settled on that when another memory nudged at me. It was green again, but not natural. There was nothing natural on that neon-filled planet. The first sign, the oldest and brightest one of the entire street, was green. I could see it from a mile away and hear it from two.

The thought brought a smile to my face as I recalled ambling down the artificially lit district, my favourite of the whole planet. It had the best dumplings and the cheapest beer, if you knew the right people. And I did. I knew them well. My stomach rumbled at the thought of those perfectly fried gyozas. I’d just eaten in real life, but I would have given anything to have a dumpling right then.

I couldn’t choose a favourite colour, I realised slowly as I pushed even more memories aside. There was no way I could do it. I’d seen so many things, too many beautiful things across my lives. How could I choose just one colour? My mind was too powerful. It was my imagination. I’d created so many beautiful things with it, and that was the problem.

But that didn’t quite feel right for some reason. I was lying to myself, and I knew that. The worlds, the memories, weren’t just a figment of my imagination. They felt different. It was too hard to differentiate them from my normal memories because they were the same, in a way. I couldn’t explain it to myself and couldn’t quite bring myself to think about it too much, but I knew something wasn’t right.

“Purple,” I said, settling for the first colour that came to mind.

It wasn’t a lie, I tried to tell myself. In some worlds, it was the truth. The deep purple of a galaxy in the distance, several warps away. That was one of my favourite colours, especially when it glittered with faint specks of light, tiny planets teeming with life. That was a good enough answer.

Katie grinned at me.

“Oh, I like purple!” she said.

“Me too,” Abbie agreed.

I glanced at Seth, unable to stop myself. I wasn’t sure why I was so worried about how he’d react to me. Had I taken too long to answer the question? Did that make me seem stupid? It felt like I’d answered it quickly but also taken too long. I wasn’t sure.

Seth smiled at me, the expression soft and gentle.

“It’s one of my favourite colours too,” he said.

Relief washed through me, and I smiled. I wasn’t sure if it actually was one of his favourite colours or if he was just being nice, but it made my stomach flutter. He was just so sweet, and that took me by surprise. I liked it, though. Obviously. I just wasn’t used to it. Duncan was nice to me too, of course, but it still felt strange.

“Grace, it’s your turn to spin the bottle,” Abbie prompted me, and I looked away from Seth quickly, my cheeks colouring.

“Oh yeah,” I muttered. “Forgot about that.”

I reached for the bottle quickly and spun it. The plastic was too tight, and my spin too hurried. It skittered across the floor, hitting Scott’s knee and making him wince before coming to a stop.

My face turned bright red as I stared at it.

“Ow,” Scott said, rubbing his knee and narrowing his eyes at me.

He was just teasing me, but I was filled with embarrassment. I’d never done that before, and I didn’t expect the bottle to bounce or be so out of control.

“Plastic bottles are hell,” Katie said, shooting me a sympathetic yet understanding look. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t that bad,” Scott replied.

I smiled at him awkwardly.

“Good. Okay, Seth. Truth or dare?”

Seth deliberated for a couple of seconds, his eyes darting towards me before he made his decision.

“I’ll go with truth, I think.”

I was a little bit disappointed by that. It didn’t matter, though. I did want to know more about him. Everything, if possible. He’d told me a little bit about his life before he came to the Academy, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t think of a question to ask, though. There were too many.

Abbie opened her mouth before closing it again, a conflicted look coming over her face that made Seth laugh gently.

“Go on. What are you thinking?” he asked, making her jump slightly.

Abbie looked startled. She looked at the rest of us before looking back at Seth.

“You don’t need to answer it if you don’t want to,” she started.

“Okay…”

“Well… you said that you’ve held a gun before, right?”

Seth chuckled again, doing his best to seem unbothered, but I saw the way his hand tightened around his can. He was worried about where Abbie’s line of questioning was going.

“Is that the truth, or do you have a follow-up?” he asked.

“I have another question,” she said hesitantly.

“Okay, well… yeah. I’ve held a gun before.”

There was another pause before Abbie spoke again.

“Did you fire it?”

I tried not to stare at him as I waited for him to answer her question. He seemed nervous, and I wasn’t sure if he was going to say anything or if he would ask for a different truth. That would be understandable. It was a big question to ask someone.

“Yes,” Seth admitted softly after a few seconds. “It didn’t hit anyone, though. I wasn’t aiming.”

“Oh,” Abbie said, sounding a little surprised.

“Yeah, I felt like I should add that. People might assume the worst if I don’t.”

I chewed my lip, wanting to say something. He looked so uncomfortable, and I was pretty sure I knew why he’d fired the gun. It had to do with his dad. He’d told me that he’d shot him before, that his dad had a bad temper. Seth was probably just trying to scare him so he wouldn’t shoot him again.

“What happened?” Katie asked, her expression empathetic.

“I thought you only asked one question in truth or dare,” Seth said with a forced laugh.

“Yeah, sorry,” Katie was quick to say. “You don’t need to answer that. You can just spin the bottle!”

“It’s fine. I was just messing,” Seth said, reaching out and grabbing the bottle before speaking again. “It happened just before I came here. My dad’s an asshole who hates his life, and he likes to take that out on others. I think it made him feel better, but… it was rough. He was threatening me again, saying he’d shoot me, but he messed up. Forgot where he left one of his guns.”

Seth shrugged and looked down.

“What happened?” Abbie asked.

“He said I was too much of a wimp to fire it, so I did. Didn’t aim it anywhere near him, just straight up. I didn’t know what else to do, and then the doorbell rang,” Seth laughed hollowly. “I was sure it was the police coming to arrest me, but instead, I was brought here. I think my dad was pretty happy to see me gone.”

No one spoke for a little while, unsure what to say. I wanted to say something or reach out to Seth, but I didn’t know how to help. He was still staring down at the bottle in his hands, his expression distant. I hated that he went through that. His dad seemed like a horrible person, and Seth was so nice. He deserved better than someone like him.

“My dad was happy to see me go too,” Katie said softly.

“Oh, yeah?” Seth asked, looking up at her unsurely.

“Yeah. He hated me,” she said, unconsciously rubbing her bicep where the darkest bruise remained. “He was very clear about that.”

“I don’t know how anyone could hate you,” Scott said before looking at Seth quickly. “Or you!”

It was a good save, and I couldn’t help but smile as Seth chuckled slightly.

“Thanks, man,” he said.

“And if it helps, my mom didn’t like me. Not sure about my dad. He wasn’t really there,” Scott said with a shrug.

“They both sound like idiots,” Katie said.

“What?” Scott replied, sounding shocked.

“Your dad too, Seth. You two are both wonderful. If they didn’t see it, they’re clearly stupid.”

Katie’s tone was so fierce that I found the need to tell her about my mom bubbling up within me. Instead, I squeezed my lips together, refusing to let even a sound out.

“Thanks,” Seth said with a laugh that sounded a lot more genuine than before. “Okay, shall I spin the bottle?”