Inescapable Escapism

I knew that I was smiling as I massaged the shampoo into my scalp. I couldn’t really help it, though. I just felt too good. My body ached, it was tired, but I felt good. The swim had gone well. I’d pushed myself harder than I planned to, and I was glad. It had been easy. I’d been able to swim for longer and do more lengths whilst pushing myself, and that felt great.

It had been a little while since I’d swum properly. I’d been taking it easier ever since I hurt my stomach, but it hadn’t felt too bad to push myself again. The bruise still ached, of course. It was more of a dull throbbing ache, rather than a sharp pain, which was reassuring to me. Apart from that, I felt good. The rest of my body was fine, and that made me want to keep swimming more when I got home.

I felt like I was getting stronger. Like I was gaining more stamina, and my muscles were getting used to being pushed. The thought brought a smile to my face. Maybe I could join the gym when I got home. That would be fun. I was starting to really like going in the other world, so I could go in my normal world too. It was making me feel strong, and that was a new sensation to me, but I liked it.

My mom would judge me if I did that, though. She would definitely start paying more attention to my body again and tell me that I was beginning to look like a man. I could always just ignore that, maybe. It might not be too bad, and at least if I was going to the gym more, I’d be getting out of the house rather than just hiding in my bedroom. That would be great.

Faint dizziness started to pull at me, and I dove towards it without hesitation. Immediately, I felt warm and cosy. Rolling over, I pulled the duvet higher, feeling myself start to grin even before I opened my eyes. Happiness was already dancing within me. I’d woken up in a good mood. In a great mood, actually.

Part of that was because of the night before. It had been so fun, and now I had the entire weekend ahead of me. I could just relax, catch up on some reading and hang out with some people. It would be nice to go to the gym first, though. Katie and Abbie would probably want to go too, so we could go before breakfast. Then, we could go to the library.

It felt like I was behind. I knew that I wasn’t; I’d gone to all of my classes, but it still felt that way. I think it was because there was just so much for me to learn. There were so many different subjects, so many things I’d never even considered learning about before but now was expected to study. They’d go over everything in class, of course, but that wasn’t enough for me.

I wasn’t given a specialism. That was part of why I felt the need to study everything, and I knew it. I was going to have so much to learn, so I needed to start early and be prepared. I needed to be ready and make sure I was actually able to learn everything. If not, it wouldn’t go well for me. I’d disappoint Rodgers or Ms Brice.

The thought of disappointing them made my stomach clench. I really didn’t want to do that. It felt like Ms Brice had already risked so much by vouching for me. She’d championed my recruitment and was the reason that I was even at the Academy. I couldn’t let her down. I refused to let myself do that.

That wasn’t the only reason, though. The desperate thirst for knowledge and information that had seeped into my reality was getting worse, and I wasn’t sure why. The other worlds weren’t helping though, and I knew that.

They held too much potential, and that made me impatient and greedy. It was hard to do things like wait around nowadays; I’d noticed that. Why would I? The temptation constantly pulled at me. I could just go into another world or a fantasy where I didn’t need to wait for some reason or where I’d already done the thing I was waiting for.

Or already learnt the thing I wanted to know. That could work. I could disappear into another world where I was great at… maths! Then, I could just absorb all of the knowledge that I had there and take it back with me. That kind of happened sometimes. When I went into the other worlds, I generally came back with memories and knowledge that wasn’t quite my own.

Well, it was mine. I knew it, after all, but it wasn’t originally mine. Or, it didn’t come from my usual world; it didn’t come from me, but from somewhere else. My smile started to sink. Where did it come from then? It had to come from somewhere, but where?

A dull ache started to throb in the back of my head. I wasn’t sure. Was it actual knowledge that I was acquiring? Or could it just be things I’d learnt subconsciously and that my mind was making me think I was learning for the first time in my fantasies? Or could there be more to it than that? What I was doing felt like more than just using my imagination. It seemed more real than that, but I didn’t know what else it could be.

I was just a girl, a normal girl. I couldn’t… travel to other worlds or whatever else I was thinking. That was stupid. It was more than stupid; it sounded insane. Like a legitimate mental illness. Could it be that? I didn’t really know. I didn’t know much about mental health, not really. It wasn’t exactly something they covered in school, apart from when they told us that sometimes people are just a bit sad or worried and that it’s normal.

I’d learnt more online about mental health than I ever had in school, but I’d never heard of anything like what I was doing. Plus, I didn’t think it seemed like it could be mental health-related. Other than my fantasies, I was fine. I mean, I was a bit anxious and worried, and I felt like someone was watching me basically all the time, but that wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t something I actually needed to talk to someone about. I just needed to stop thinking about it so much.

But then, what were my fantasies? Could they actually be real? And, if they were, could I use that? It would make things so much easier for me. I wouldn’t have to sit around studying things that I hated. I could just go to another place where I already knew it all and automatically learn it all. I wouldn’t be doing so badly at maths any more. I could learn everything there was to know about it in a few minutes.

I started to reach out, my mind finding a sharp dizziness, before I stopped myself. Concern started to build in my gut. If the other places I went to were real, if they were somehow other worlds or dimensions or whatever, were they all the same as my own? They weren’t. They couldn’t be. It wouldn’t make sense for them to be, but surely that meant I couldn’t trust everything I learned in other worlds.

What if I went to a place where a circle had three hundred degrees, not three hundred and sixty? Or if I went somewhere where the Earth didn’t orbit the sun? Maybe there was another star. A bigger one, and that’s what we rotated around. Or maybe there was a place where we didn’t even breathe oxygen. Perhaps the entire composition of the atmosphere was entirely different.

How would I know? I wouldn’t. There would be no way for me to know what was the same in my world and what was different. I would just wander around assuming that I was right until I was told otherwise, and then what? I’d need to study even more. I’d have to go through absolutely everything I’d ever learnt to determine how wrong I was.

That would be worse. That would be so much worse than just learning things properly. I could do that. I could keep them separate in my head. That would work, right? I wasn’t sure, but I was hopeful.

I rolled onto my back, my mind returning to the present. I needed to work out what I wanted to study once we were finished in the gym. There had to be something universal, something that was the same in every world. I wracked my brain for a moment before the answer came to me. Observation. Surely, that was exactly the same everywhere. There were probably small differences, but the basics probably didn’t change too much.

And I needed to get better at it. I hadn’t spotted the bags on the door in the kitchen the day before. They were probably really obvious, but I hadn’t seen them. I hadn’t even thought to look for them. We were going to start observation classes soon; Rodgers had mentioned that before.

It was a useful skill for everyone, not just field agents. He’d said that too. People, especially those who worked for the Academy, needed to see more than most. We needed to be able to spot when people were acting strangely or watching us, he’d told us.

A shudder slipped down my back, the sensation so strong that it almost forced me back into reality. Blindly, I reached out, turning the shower handle to make the water hotter. That was something I didn’t want. It already felt like I was being watched pretty much all of the time. I didn’t want that to get worse.

Unless I was already becoming more observant. Maybe I was already starting to improve my skills and pay attention to my surroundings like Rodgers said. That would be good. I’d be less likely to fail the class, which made me smile. But it would also mean that people were watching me. That it wasn’t just a feeling but that there were people keeping an eye on me.

They could have actually broken into the house. Someone could have jammed the lock or be hiding in one of the rooms at that very second. I would have no way of knowing.

Dizziness rushed into me, and I felt myself lean back against the cold tile as everything went dark. I couldn’t see much from the small space I was crammed into, but I blinked, trying to clear my vision. It didn’t help, though. I couldn’t see anything other than the faint outline of a window somewhere to my left. Light was creeping in around the curtains, but not enough to illuminate the room.

My legs hurt. My knees ached, and my butt was numb. How long had I been sitting there, just waiting for the right time? And what even was the right time? Where was I? I couldn’t remember. One thought raced around in my head. I had to get the document from the computer on the desk above me.

That’s where I was. I was huddled under a desk in an office somewhere. In the barely used wing of someone’s house. As the recollections started to return to me, I realised the house looked a bit like my grandparents’. It wasn’t theirs. They didn’t have an office, and the layout was completely different, but there were some similarities.

Both families barely used some rooms. The house was too big. I had been hiding there for hours, and the closest anyone had come to me was when a servant had walked by. I hadn’t expected that, but it had only happened the once. It was easy. The entire process had been easy.

Just like it would be in real life, I realised as I pulled myself out of the world, trying not to think about what I was doing there too much. The dark flashes that had started to seep into my mind were enough to make me not want to return.

“Morning!” Katie called to me, her tone chirpy. “How did you sleep?”

I sat up, rubbing my eyes, before looking around the room. Abbie was still asleep, but Katie looked like she’d been awake for a while. A textbook was balanced on her knees, and her glass of water was almost empty.

“Pretty well. How did you sleep?” I replied.

“Slept okay! Last night was fun, wasn’t it?” she asked.

I felt a blush start to stretch across my cheeks.

“Yeah, it was good.”

Katie giggled before glancing at Abbie, who hadn’t even stirred.

“It was. I’m excited to see the guys today,” Katie said with a grin. “Are you showering this morning?”

I tried not to think about Seth as I stretched, feeling my back click. I hadn’t showered yesterday, so I could do with one. But then, I was going to go to the gym first thing, and I’d need a shower after that. I did feel a bit grimy, though. I could always just shower twice.

“Yeah, I was going to. Do you want to use the bathroom first?”

“No, no. I was just going to say you might want to go in now. Abbie’s alarm is going to go off in a few minutes, so she’ll want to use it soon,” Katie told me, glancing at her clock.

“Oh, good point. Thanks!” I said, throwing my duvet back and standing.

“No worries!”

I grabbed a towel from my wardrobe as I crossed the room towards the bathroom. My face still felt flushed as I shut the door behind me and let out a sigh. Memories of the night before pulled at me. They invaded my thoughts. I just couldn’t stop myself from remembering how Seth’s lips had felt against mine, or the way he’d cupped my cheek with his hand, or how his fingers had laced into my hair, pulling me closer to him as our kiss deepened.

A shaky sigh slipped from my lips as I dropped the towel by the skin and started to get undressed, avoiding looking at my reflection. I already knew that I was blushing; I didn’t need to see it. It would make me feel even more flustered.

Just like how Seth’s smile made me feel. After he kissed me, after we kissed, his smile had been so sweet, so tender. That made me feel strange. I felt like I was floating when I’d seen it. It made me just want to kiss him again and again. I was really glad we played spin the bottle. It had been scary and anxiety-provoking at first, but the kisses were worth it.

I wanted to do it again. To kiss him again. But how? We probably wouldn’t play spin the bottle again any time soon, so I needed to come up with a different way to make that happen. How? How did someone normally go about kissing someone?

My mind was completely blank. I could remember seeing people kissing in real life and in my fantasies. It happened at parties all the time and at school less often, but I didn’t know what started it. I’d never paid attention to that part before. Does someone just walk up to a person they like and kiss them? That didn’t feel right. How did they know the person was into them or wanted to kiss them? Surely, they couldn’t know for certain, and even if they did, it would take a level of courage and bravery that I would never have. But then, what was I meant to do?

I knew that I was overthinking it, but I couldn’t stop my mind from racing as I started to search my memories. There had to be a world where I’d kissed someone. Maybe I hadn’t just walked up to them and started making out with them, but there had to be something.

My mouth dropped open, and I froze as a memory crashed into me. That was exactly what I had done. I’d somehow just marched up to someone, and that was it. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around that. It felt so strange and shocking, and I found myself trying to work out what had happened before that, what had led to it.

The recollection was foggy at first, but the more I thought about it, the clearer it became. It had taken me so long to find the right planet. I’d travelled through so many portals, searched so many taverns, before finding the right place. That was all Neesa had told me. She was going to a tavern. I wasn’t sure if it was a date or a meeting, maybe a bit of both, but the place had a wooden sign with a smiley face scratched into it out front.

Why would she tell me that without thinking to tell me the name of the place? That would have made my life so much easier. She could have just said, ‘Hey Grace, I’m going to the Stinking Merfox tonight to meet up with some seedy guy and throw my life away’, and I would have known. No. She had to say it was some place in our district with a damn wooden sign and no more details than that.

Did she not know how many taverns there were with wooden signs? Because I did. I learnt it that night. There were twelve in the main district and seventeen in the wider district that still technically counted. Twenty-nine damn taverns that I had to sift through. Three, I was able to cross off immediately. They weren’t Neesa’s scene. None of them were, but three were obviously not. The rest I had to actually go to.

And, of course, she was in the last one. The one that was the furthest away. I’d been to twenty-six taverns before I finally spotted that familiar dark hair and shrewd violet eyes that filled me with anger, irritation and something else that I couldn’t quite place.

My heart pounded as I stalked across the sticky floor towards the couple sitting in the back corner. I was so nervous. My hands were shaking, and my knees felt weak, but the moment those eyes found mine, I knew that I’d made the right decision. I couldn’t just let her go. It didn’t matter that we were just friends.

No. We weren’t friends; we were rivals. Neesa infuriated me. But that didn’t matter anymore. In fact, I needed it. I needed Neesa to be there with me. I had to have someone to fight against, to push me to be better. I needed someone to drag me onward when I was prepared to settle for less than I deserved.

And that was what I was doing. Neesa was about to make that mistake. She’d given up and was about to accept less than she should have. She was leaving. Dropping out of the university, and for what? To work in a crappy cargo ship that could barely get through a portal without having to call for emergency assistance? That was the life she had decided on? Why?

It didn’t make sense to me. She had just a few years left of school. Three more years of university. That was manageable. She’d gotten this far, after all. Why would she give up when she was so close? After graduation, she’d be able to work anywhere. She could do anything, and she wouldn’t have to work with some slimy lowlife who was sneaking glances down her top.

That’s what I was going to tell her. That’s why I flew to twenty-six taverns. I was going to shout some sense into her and then drag her back to campus. I’d lock her in her room until she stopped being so stupid if I had to. But that all changed the moment I saw her. My mind emptied, and the words died in my throat.

“Grace? What in the hells are you doing here?”

My name was like a prayer from her mouth. It was so soft, so beautiful. I didn’t think. I just crashed into her, my lips finding hers immediately. Neesa froze, her body turning rigid from shock before she melted against me, kissing me back with such passion, such fervour, that I almost pulled back.

I jolted out of the fantasy, my heart fluttering and my chest flushed. An echo of pain touched my lips. They felt almost swollen from kissing, like they had been after the first night I’d spent with Neesa. The first night of many. I couldn’t do that, though. There was no way I could walk up to Seth and kiss him like that. No matter how much I wanted to.