Inescapable Escapism

I snorted before erupting into laughter, unable to stop the noise from escaping. Abbie looked so worried, so tortured by the idea of us failing a class, but I could help laughing along with the others. Normally, even just the thought of failing anything would fill me with dread until I was nauseous, and I wasn’t sure why. My school always made a point to tell us how bad it was, of course. Failing could become a habit. Laziness was tempting, easy to slip into, and it ruined lives. Finishing school as a failure meant you couldn’t do anything with your life, according to my teachers. I wasn’t quite sure I believed them, but their scare tactics worked. With the exception of French, which felt impossible, I did my best to succeed and avoid failing.

But at the Academy, it didn’t feel quite so bad. It could mean we were kicked out, of course, but it didn’t seem that simple. They’d try to help us; Ms Brice had told me that. They’d offer tutoring, classes to help us catch up and more, and that made it easier to laugh. Even Abbie was giggling slightly.

It felt so nice, so natural. There was a camaraderie and playfulness in the air that I wasn’t used to. We were in it together. A team, almost. We were all staying in the Academy. No one was being kicked out or sent home. The thought brought a smile to my face, and I caught sight of my reflection in the mirrored wall. I was grinning. There was no trace of anxiety or self-consciousness in my expression, just happiness.

“So…” Katie said once we fell silent. “I guess we’re all staying.”

There was a hint of surprise in her voice, like she couldn’t quite believe it either. I felt the same way. I’d been waiting for the moment when I was told I couldn’t stay. Having someone else say it out loud helped it feel more real, more firm.

We were all staying. I repeated that in my head again and again, trying to make it sink in. I knew that things might change later. I could still be kicked out, and so could everyone else, but for now… we were all allowed to stay at the Academy and train to be spies. Well, Scott was training to be an intelligence analyst rather than a field agent like the rest of us, but that still counted.

“We are,” Seth said before glancing at me. “I was almost certain you were being sent home; your meeting was so long, but… I’m glad you’re staying.”

There was a softness to his voice and a hesitant tenderness in his expression that made butterflies flutter in my stomach. I couldn’t hold his gaze for any longer. I looked down, my cheeks burning.

“I’m glad too,” I said before looking up at the others. “I mean, I’m glad we all are.”

I felt so awkward and uncertain as silence settled over the room again, and I reached out for a drink just for something to do, barely even paying attention to which drink I grabbed. As I opened the can, I looked up and met Katie’s knowing gaze.

I felt even more blood rush into my cheeks as they began to burn even hotter. Katie clearly saw how I’d reacted to Seth’s words. She saw my blush and the happiness they’d caused, and I couldn’t hold her gaze. I looked away, spotting Scott, who was gazing adoringly at Katie. She hadn’t seemed to notice, though. I knew she liked him, but she seemed so oblivious to his feelings for her. How could she see through me so clearly but not see Scott?

Staring down at the can of Fanta in my hands, I realised that the room was quiet still. The silence was broken occasionally by the crunch of someone eating snacks, but that was it. I wanted to say something, to fill the empty space with words, but I couldn’t think of anything.

I wasn’t good in social situations, and I knew that. I didn’t have many friends in my real world, just Phoebe and Duncan. There were a couple of other people who I spoke to in class sometimes, but I wouldn’t exactly call them friends. I’d never thought about it too much, never worried about it, but I realised it meant I had no clue what to do or how to hang out with a group of people.

It was more than that, though. We were meant to be celebrating, throwing a party. It didn’t feel like a party. There was no music and no alcohol. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to a party without alcohol, not that I went to many parties. It felt like it had been years. It would have felt more like a party if we had alcohol; I knew that. I would have been more comfortable too.

Drinking made it easier for me, in a way. I could socialise with people without overthinking everything I said quite as much, and being surrounded by so many people didn’t really bother me. I could put up with it for longer. But that scared me. Alcohol made it easier for me, but I didn’t want to rely on it. I was terrified of feeling like I couldn’t go without it. It may have made it easier to do certain things, like talk to people, but I knew it was dangerous to use it too much. If I did, I’d be going down the same path as my mom.

I didn’t want that. The mere thought of it terrified me and made me never want to drink anything again. I couldn’t become her. I didn’t want to spend every single afternoon drinking until I passed out and unable to go more than a day or two without craving a glass of wine or something stronger.

My eyebrows drew together. Maybe it started the same way for my mom, though. She used to go to parties and things like that when she was my age; she’d bragged about it to me before. Maybe she struggled to speak to people too, or was so wracked by anxiety that it was almost impossible. She might have learnt that alcohol made it easier and started drinking more and more until she couldn’t stop. And now…

Now, that was her life. She had no friends and didn’t work. She went through so many bottles of wine every single week because what else would she do with her time? Maybe that’s why she drank. Maybe it stopped her from thinking too much about how disappointed she was with how things had turned out.

She’d told me that last time we were in Scotland. She was drunk, more drunk than I’d seen her in a long time. I don’t know what happened to cause it, but it made her sad. Melancholy. She was drinking something from a clear and dusty bottle, probably taken from her parent’s alcohol collection, and sitting alone at the kitchen table doing nothing more than staring blankly at the wood. She wanted more. More from her relationship with my dad, more from me and just more from life. It was enough for her. Nothing was enough for her.

My grip tightened on the can. I couldn’t become her. I wouldn’t become her. I had more awareness and knew what I wanted to avoid; that had to help. And I had a plan. I had a future. That was important. It meant I could work towards it rather than floundering and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life before settling on nothing. I would be happy and fulfilled.

The strength of the thought scared me a little. I wasn’t used to feeling so passionately about anything, but I did. I held the realisation close, letting it fill me with determination.

“So… where’s everyone from?” Katie said, breaking me out of my thoughts.

“Umm…” Abbie started, picking at the tab on her can. “I don’t think we’re meant to talk about that.”

I looked at her in confusion as the others did the same.

“What?” Katie asked.

Abbie looked up, her eyes darting around the group nervously before returning to focusing on her drink as her cheeks started to colour.

“It said it in the folders. Did no one else see it?”

Katie shook her head, and I thought back, trying to remember. There was something in my memories, some faint recollection of what Abbie had said, but I couldn’t remember the specifics.

“I must have missed it,” Seth said with a shrug. “What did it say?”

Abbie glanced up, hesitating again before speaking.

“We’re meant to limit how much we say about our lives before we came here and not give any specific details whenever possible,” Abbie explained. “It’s just when we’re in the induction period, though. After that, it’s fine.”

“Why?” I asked.

“In case we get kicked out,” Scott said. “Right?”

I looked back at Abbie, who nodded.

“Yeah. I think it’s so we can’t find each other again. The less we know about each other, the safer it is.”

I chewed my lip as I considered that. It made sense, in a way, but I didn’t like it. If I got sent home, I’d want to be able to see them again, but I knew that probably wouldn’t be possible. They’d still be at the Academy, and the brochures Ms Brice had given my parents explained that we didn’t get to come home very often. The only way I’d be able to see anyone was if they got kicked out too, but there would be no way for me to know that they’d gone. Not unless they were sent home first.

If we actually went home, that is. We’d been told that we’d be sent to a boarding school somewhere, given a good education so that we could potentially still join the department at some point when we graduated.

Scott picked at his nails, his eyes landing on Katie for just a moment before flitting away. I could almost hear how hard his brain was working, and that made me want to know what he was thinking.

“London!” he blurted out, answering the question for me. “I’m from London.”

Katie’s expression brightened, and she broke into a smile.

“Really?” she asked. “I’m from London too! Where abouts did you live? Am I allowed to ask that?”

She looked at Abbie, who looked uncomfortable.

“Probably not,” she said, her eyebrows drawn together worriedly. “Maybe if Scott keeps it kind of vague and just says the area, it will be okay?”

Katie grinned at her before turning back to Scott with an excited expression.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” she told him.

Scott hesitated, his gaze flicking between Katie and Abbie.

“Peckham,” he said after a few seconds.

Katie looked surprised.

“No way! I’m from Brixton. That’s really close to you!” she cried. “I wonder if we ever ran into each other, like at school or something… I guess I can’t ask which school you went to, right? That’s probably too specific.”

“Uhh… it wouldn’t really matter anyway,” Scott said as colour started to creep up his neck. “We didn’t go to the same school.”

“How do you know?”

Scott was silent as he reached into the centre for another drink, taking his time to decide which one he wanted. He seemed embarrassed for some reason, and I couldn’t work out why. Maybe he went to a bad school or something, and he was scared to tell Katie about it. He was really smart though, so I doubted it.

Perhaps it was the opposite. Maybe he went to a really good school, a posh one, and he didn’t want Katie to judge him for it. I didn’t think she would. She didn’t seem particularly judgemental.

“I was homeschooled,” he said finally.

“Oh, really?” Abbie asked, leaning forwards with an interested look on her face.

“I didn’t know you could be homeschooled in the UK,” Katie said. “Any time I’ve heard someone talk about it online, they’ve been American.”

“Yeah… it’s kind of rare over here…” Scott said uncomfortably, refusing to meet Katie’s gaze and instead staring at his hands.

“That makes sense,” Abbie said. “I’ve looked into it before, and the rules surrounding it are weird. Like, it’s up to each county to decide whether or not a person can be homeschooled, so in some places, it’s a lot easier, but some are way more difficult. And, there are a bunch of rules and stuff you need to follow to be able to do homeschooling, and it can be changed overnight, which makes it even harder.”

I stared at Abbie. She knew so much about it, and I had no clue how. Based on the way everyone else was staring at Abbie, apart from Scott, who continued to stare intently at his hands, they had no knowledge of it either.

“How do you know so much about it?” Katie asked finally.

Abbie’s eyes widened, and she glanced around at us, seeming to realise we were all staring at her. She looked away, slowly taking a sip. She didn’t want to answer Katie’s question, I realised, but I wasn’t sure what to do about it. My mind started turning quickly, trying to think of something to say to change the subject. A question to ask someone, maybe. Not Scott. He still looked uncomfortable. Seth, perhaps. No, Katie. But what could I ask her?

“I looked into it before,” Abbie said before I could think of anything to say. “A while back. I didn’t like school. People were mean, and my parents are never home, so at least I’m normally left alone there. I thought that would be better, but it was too hard to sort out, so I couldn’t do it.”

Sympathy crossed Katie’s face, and I felt my heart clench at Abbie’s words. I hated that anyone had been mean to her. She deserved better than that. She was nice. I couldn’t imagine her ever being rude or cruel to anyone, so there was no reason for anyone to act like that towards her. They were probably just bullying her because… I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t like it.

We’d fallen silent again, and I could see how uncomfortable Abbie was. I needed to think of something to say, a conversation starter, but I couldn’t.

“How does homeschooling work?” I blurted out after a few seconds. “Like, do your parents teach you or something?”

It wasn’t a particularly eloquent question, and I knew that, but it was better than silence. I looked at Scott, expecting him to answer, but it was Abbie who spoke.

“Sometimes,” she said. “It depends, really. I looked into getting some tutors, but I think some people are taught by their parents. There are all sorts of online classes and programmes and stuff that you can use instead, though.”

“That’s interesting,” Katie said, her eyes darting towards Scott, who didn’t notice.

“Yeah,” I agreed, just to say something.

Silence filled the room again, but not for long.

“So… is everyone else from London?” Katie asked, looking at me and Seth.

I opened my mouth to speak before shutting it again. I actually didn’t know. My memories were too vague. From what I could recall when I first entered the fantasy, my house was pretty much the same as in real life. It looked the same from the inside, and I had caught a glimpse of the outside before I got on the bus. It had looked the same too. There was too much greenery around the house, which made me think it wasn’t London. I probably lived in the same place as in reality, the same dull and quiet town.

“No, I’m from a town a couple of hours away from London,” I said, not mentioning the name of it just in case it was different.

Katie nodded before looking at Abbie.

“I lived a little further than that,” she said.

“Same. I went to London a few times, and I think it took three or four hours,” Seth added.

“Huh, fair,” Katie said.

We’d all been vague in our answers, but I assumed their reason was different to mine. They were probably just concerned about providing too many details, but I wasn’t. I was just scared about saying the wrong thing and someone noticing. What if there were cameras in the room recording us? Would I get called into a meeting with Ms Brice or another terrifying teacher and asked why I lied about where I’m from? How would I answer them? I couldn’t exactly say I wasn’t sure. They’d think that I was stupid or that there was something wrong with me, and that would be bad.

“Did everyone else like school?” I asked, mostly to distract myself from my thoughts.

“Not really,” Seth said with a slight shrug. “I mean, some classes were okay, but mostly, it was just boring. It’s much better here. What about you?”

“Umm... same,” I said before glancing at Katie.

“It was okay,” she replied, scrunching up her nose. “Better than being at home. What was your favourite subject?”

She was looking at Seth, and I did the same. He cocked his head, his expression thoughtful.

“Probably English, but I think that’s just because I like to read,” he said. “It got really boring sometimes, though. Like when we spent weeks and weeks analysing some boring book from hundreds of years ago. Actually… maybe PE was my favourite.”

Katie nodded, and I found myself joining in.

“That makes sense,” I said, the words just slipping out before I could stop them.

Seth’s eyebrow rose, and a smile played around his lips as mortification spread through me. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud; it was supposed to be just a thought. My cheeks burnt, and I tried frantically to think of a way to explain myself.

“It does?” Seth asked.

There was a teasing lilt to his voice, and I wasn’t sure what to make of that. He was flirting with me, I thought. I couldn’t think of anything to say back to him, though. I knew I should have flirted back or at least tried to play it cool, but my mind was empty. I didn’t know how to.

“Yeah. I mean, you’re really fit.”

Katie choked on her drink, and Abbie hit her on the back as she tried to hide her grin. I was digging a hole. Each sentence that came out of my mouth made it worse, and there was no escape. I was past the point of no return. I hadn’t meant what I said. Not really, at least. I wanted to say that I’d been in fitness class with him, and he’d done really well. He had great stamina. It sounded like I was just complimenting his body.

Not that he seemed to mind. He was openly smiling. He looked pleased, and that just made me feel even more embarrassed.

“You think so?” he asked.

He was definitely flirting, but my mind was still too panicked to come up with a response. It felt like there was an alarm bell ringing in my head and reminding me how stupid I was. I was stupid. I needed to think before I spoke or just… do better. I had to find a way to cover up how dumb I’d been. Playing it cool was the best way, I decided. I could do that. It wouldn’t be particularly convincing, but it was better than nothing, probably.

“Yeah,” I said with a shrug that was too quick to be casual. “I mean, it’s clear you work out a lot.”

Seth paused, his cheeks turning ever so slightly pink.

“You look like you do too,” he said.

I couldn’t hold his gaze. I wasn’t used to people complimenting me like that. It was too explicit. There was no backhanded follow-up like I was used to from my mom. It was just a compliment, and that didn’t feel natural.

Katie’s eyes flicked between Seth and me, her expression unreadable. It looked almost like she was trying to tell me something. The way her gaze hovered on me before bouncing to Seth again was too slow, too deliberate. I couldn’t work out what she was trying to convey, though.

After a few seconds, she rolled her eyes. There was a slight smile on her face that made me feel less guilty about not understanding her.

“Do you know what I think we should do?” she asked the group before lifting her bottle to her lips and downing it quickly.

The tone of her voice concerned me. She was up to something.

“What?” I asked cautiously.

“Play spin the bottle.”

I saw a fleeting look of hope cross Scott’s face before disappearing, but I wasn’t sure how to feel.

“I don’t know,” Abbie said with a shrug as she plucked a mini chocolate chip muffin from the pile of snacks in the centre. “That doesn’t sound very fun for me. I mean, there’s no one here I want to kiss. No offence or anything. You all seem really nice, but you’re my friends, so it would be weird.”

“Well, it doesn’t need to be just kissing,” Katie suggested. “It can be, obviously, but we could make it into truth or dare. It might help us get to know each other better.”

I chewed on the inside of my lip, not sure what to say to that. No one spoke for a few seconds, but Scott looked like he was ready to agree to whatever Katie said. Seth seemed okay with the idea too. I could see him out of the corner of my eyes, and he looked completely unfazed. It was just Abbie and I who weren’t sure.

I wanted to play; I really did, but I also felt bad. I hoped the bottle would land on me immediately and Katie would dare me to kiss Seth, but it felt wrong. It made me feel too guilty. It was because of Duncan. I’d been flirting with him, and we had a date planned for when I got home in less than a week. Thinking about other boys, flirting with them and maybe even kissing them filled me with worry.

It felt like I was cheating on Duncan even though I knew that was stupid. I wasn’t dating Duncan. I wasn’t even sure if he was actually into me, and it wasn’t like I was going out and flirting with or dating actual guys. It was in another world, a fantasy.

Plus, we weren’t together in that world. We’d stopped talking years ago, I remembered, my stomach sinking with sadness. I was single; there was no one I was even flirting with. If we were together in every single world I went to, that would be different, but we weren’t. I didn’t know Duncan in some, and if I stopped myself from being allowed to flirt with Seth in my spy world, what did that mean for the other worlds? Would I not be able to flirt with or date anyone else?

That felt wrong. I’d be denying all other versions of myself from ever being able to date or kiss or flirt with any other person just because I felt guilty about it, and that was stupid. I didn’t want to do that to myself. That wasn’t the point of my fantasies. They were to escape reality, to get away. I didn’t want to feel even more trapped in them. I wanted to be free.

Plus, that’s what they were. A fantasy. Something that was happening just in my head and probably wasn’t real. I could do whatever I wanted there. I could play spin the bottle and maybe kiss Seth if I wanted to, and I didn’t need to feel guilty about that. Maybe if I actually started dating Duncan, I would pull back a little and not flirt with Seth as much, but... I didn’t need to worry about that yet. I still would, of course, but I didn’t need to.

I met Katie’s expectant gaze, doing my best to seem unfazed before shrugging.

“Sure. I’m down to play if you are, Abbie?”