Inescapable Escapism

I swallowed the final bite of my toastie, still hearing the phantom throb of the music from the house party in my ears. I had to fight not to nod along with the music. I could still hear the loud bass even though it felt like I was completely back in reality. I could still feel my body moving wildly as I danced in time to the music, bodies crushed into the small room and a familiar hand on my hip.

I picked at my chips. Part of me wanted to finish them all. They were delicious, the outside was perfectly fried and the inside was fluffy and delicious. I couldn’t bring myself to do it though. I cared more about being back in the dream. The cafe felt too quiet. There was only the soft murmur of people around me, nothing more. I couldn’t cope.

Even the book I held with one hand wasn’t enough to distract me. I liked the story, it was interesting and all, but I just kept feeling or hearing something from the other worlds and slipping back into them for a moment before realising that I was meant to be reading. I would come back and have to read the same line over and over again, barely even remembering what was happening.

I think what made it tougher was that I did want to be in the dream, even though I felt a little bit bad about it. I felt weird being in a fantasy, daydreaming about being drunk and dancing with a cute guy, whilst sitting across from my mom in a quiet café. I felt like I was like I shouldn't be doing. If she knew what I was dreaming about, she would be scandalised and I would never hear the end of it.

The other fantasy wasn’t much better. The moment I thought about it, I was back on the bus. Harriet was on the screen in front of me but I stared at her face blankly. She was explaining something about the history of undercover operatives, in our country and others, notable ones, women who did great things and other things like that.

Don’t get me wrong, it was absolutely fascinating but I was gaining the knowledge anyway. Any time I returned to the world, I could feel it in my brain, just within reach. I didn’t need to stay there in the small, suffocating cabin.

A knock sounded from the door and I stood, my knees almost failing and sending me crashing to the ground. My hand shot out to brace myself against the wall and I shook my legs out, hoping that would help.

I had been on the bus for too long and I’d spent most of that time pedalling. It was starting to show. Well, I had started to feel it hours ago, a full day really, but it was getting worse. That made sense, I kept on pedalling so I wasn’t giving myself any time to recover.

“Good afternoon, Grace,” Ms Brice said with a smile, a tray in her hands, as I opened the door. “How is your day going?”

“It’s good, thank you,” I replied before quickly adding, “how is your day going?”

“Very well, thank you. I’ve been overseeing some syllabus editing and helping to prepare everyone for your cohort.”

That made me pay attention. It was the most information she had volunteered since I’d met her and I immediately wanted to know more.

“Oh, really? How is it going?” I asked, hoping that would be enough to get more details.

“It’s getting there,” she said. “Some of the information still needs to be finalised which makes it a little difficult but it should all be completed in time. At least everything is in place for the induction period which is much better than last year.”

“Oh? Was last year bad?”

“It was. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, the syllabus for the induction wasn’t completed until it was already well underway. Which, as you can assume, was stressful for a lot of the tutors,” she said, shaking her head slightly. “But, I’m probably boring you. I’ve got your lunch here.”

I took it, wanting to tell her that she wasn’t boring me and that I wanted to hear more about the school and everything else, but I didn’t know how to say it. I wanted to know more but mostly, I was enjoying not just being sat at the desk reading or watching something. Having someone to talk to was fantastic and I wasn’t ready to give that up yet.

“Thank you,” I said, taking the tray from her, feeling too awkward to say anything else.

“You’re welcome. You know the process by now, I’m sure. Put your tray into the drawer once you’re finished eating and call me if you would like something else to eat or need assistance.”

I nodded and placed the tray on my desk as the door shut softly again.

I sunk onto the seat, starting to hook my feet into the pedals instinctively before stopping myself. I didn’t need to keep pedalling. It was probably a horrible idea to keep going. I would be stiff and painful by the time I got to the school and I didn’t want that. I wanted to be prepared, ready for whatever was coming.

I lifted the cloche off the tray and stared at the pizza slices waiting for me. They took up the majority of the space and looked delicious. They smelt delicious too.

I picked one up, sinking my teeth into it. The cheese was hot and stretched as I bit into it. The tomato sauce was rich and tangy. It was a delicious pizza, I knew it was, but I could barely taste it.

I was getting restless just from spending a few minutes in this world. I already wanted to leave. I wanted to be outside, actually in the world, rather than being trapped in a box.

I turned and glanced at the window behind me instinctively. The world outside still looked exactly the same as it had when we’d left my house but then I shouldn't have been surprised. The window wasn't real, it was just a screen showing an endless loop of some random street somewhere. I could be anywhere. We could've been driving around in circles for the last day or however long I'd been on the bus.

I really didn't know. There was no way to tell the time, not really. My phone had run out of charge hours ago and there was no plug for me to use. There was a time on the iPad but there was no way of knowing if I could trust that. It could be any time. And I could be anywhere.

That made me uneasy. I didn't want to be on the bus any longer.

In an instant, I was somewhere completely different. My head was thrown back and I was singing along to a song loudly. I didn’t know the song, not in real life, but the words flowed out of my mouth easily. Freddy was next to me, in front of me, singing along too with a huge grin. One of his hands was on my waist, the other in the air, and his face was alight with joy. His eyes were unfocused but fixed on my mine.

The song ended too soon and another one started up but my nose scrunched up. I didn’t like this song. But that didn’t matter, I had an idea.

“Freddy,” I shouted over the noise, putting my hand on his arm. “Do you want to go in the hot tub?”

His smile stretched even wider.

“Yes!” he cried.

“Awesome,” I replied. “Where did Sarah and Jace go?”

I was too short to see over the crowd but Freddy wasn’t. He looked around for a moment before pointing towards the back of the room.

“I see them!”

“Lead the way,” I told him.

His hand slipped into mine and he began pulling me through the dancing crowd. A laugh tumbled out of my mouth as we weaved around people. I was happy, so happy. It was such a fun night and I was having a great time. Freddy’s hand felt so nice in mine and I couldn’t help but grip it tightly.

Maybe I was into Freddy. I was having too much fun with him. It felt easy, light. And I knew he liked me. That made things so much better. I didn’t need to worry about him looking at me weirdly or glaring at me or maybe knowing where I was from. We could just have fun.

I did like him too. That helped. He was so kind and nice and handsome. It made me want to like him, you know? People like that deserve only good things and I wanted to be a good thing. I wanted to be something that made him happy.

Freddy stopped and I walked directly into his back, a giggle slipping out of my lips.

“We’re going in the hot tub, want to come?” I heard him say to Sarah and Jace and I peeked around Freddy to grin at them.

“Yes!” Sarah cried. “Let’s go!”

She started towards the door, dragging Jason behind her, and we followed. I could feel the smile that split my face. It was wide, unashamedly so. I didn’t care about not showing my teeth or how much I squinted when I smiled, I just did it.

Finally, we burst out of the doors, staggering slightly on the grass as we made our way towards the hot tub that bubbled nearby. Steam drifted lazily off it and a deep longing settled in my stomach. I wanted to sink into it and never get out. The sheer strength of that desire took me by surprise.

I didn’t really love hot tubs, not in real life. I hadn’t been in them very often but I didn’t get them. I mean, you just sit in a bath with other people, unable to really talk or hear each other. Why would that be a good thing?

Plus, I always felt self-conscious in them and that always made me want to get out quicker. I would never actively choose to go in one at a party, surrounded by people I knew. But, here, that didn’t matter. I barely even thought about it as I moved steadily closer. I had the smallest flutter of uncertainty but it disappeared quickly, being overpowered by my desire to be in the water.

The two people in the hot tub spotted us as we moved closer and began to get out immediately.

“Are you lot coming in here now?” Jenny called once we were nearly there.

She waited for our answer, standing by the steps poised and ready to climb out. Water dripped from her tanned body into the tub below and a mostly empty plastic cup was clasped in her hand. Alfie stood behind her, waiting to hear what I was going to say.

“Yeah, but you don’t need to leave!” I said, almost tripping on the uneven grass.

It was soggy near the hot tub which made it even harder but Freddy’s hand tightened on mine, keeping me upright, and I sent him a grateful look.

“No, no, it’s okay. We were planning on getting out now anyway,” Jenny said, quickly climbing out and draining her cup. “I need another drink anyway.”

It felt like an excuse, something I would do in real life, but I didn’t say anything. I just let them leave, feeling only a little bit bad about it.

“Help me with my zip?” I heard Sarah say to Jace and I turned just in time to see him undoing her dress.

She shimmied out of it, dropping it on the nearby table and not seeming to care about the puddles of drink on it. She wasn’t wearing a bikini, just her bra and pants, but she climbed into the hot tub without hesitation. Jace immediately pulled his top over his head and started to unbutton his jeans, stripping until he was just in his boxers before joining her in the water.

I wasn’t really sure what to do. In reality, I’d think of an excuse. Do something so that I didn’t have to climb into the hot tub in just my bra and pants because I was pretty sure that I was not wearing a swimming costume under my dress. I wasn’t actually sure what I was wearing but it didn’t feel like the right material from what I could tell.

But it was too enticing. It was too tempting and I just didn’t care enough about how many people were milling about the garden and would see me in my underwear. I reached for my hem and started to pull the dress over my head, causing Sarah to wolf whistle loudly.

“Look at that body,” she called loudly and I laughed.

“You’re one to talk!” I shot back, dropping my clothes on hers and quickly glancing down at what I was wearing.

My eyes widened. I would have never worn the bra or pants in real life, that was my first thought. The bra was lacy, push up too which made me look like I had a much better body than I really did, and the pants were barely there. Somehow though, I barely felt any nervousness as I walked around the hot tub to the steps, kicked off my heels and climbed in.

The water was almost scaldingly hot but I loved it. A shiver of happiness went through me and I turned back towards Freddy as the hot water lapped at my thighs, realising that he hadn’t moved.

He was staring at me with wide eyes, drinking in my body. Normally, that would have made me self-conscious but I smiled, watching him for a moment before cocking my head.

“Are you joining us?” I asked him.

He blinked, as if coming out of a stupor, an adorable flush coming over his cheeks as he quickly stripped. It was my turn to stare. He had a great body and his boxers rode low on his hips, showing off almost too much skin. I wasn’t complaining though, quite the opposite.

I started to sit down as he climbed the steps into the tub, the warm water embracing my body, and making sure to leave space beside me for him to sit there, if he wanted.

“What are your plans for the rest of the day?” my mom asked, ripping me out of the fantasy with nausea-inducing speed.

The smile dropped from my face as my stomach clenched. I hadn’t even been aware that I was grinning in real life until she brought me back and now, I was wracked with queasiness.

“I’m not sure,” I said, my hands gripping my book so hard I was worried that I was going to rip the pages. “I might go for a swim when we get back.”

She nodded, barely even looking away from her book to glance at me.

“That’s a good idea after such a heavy lunch,” she said. “Are you almost ready to go?”

I hesitated.

I had finished eating and my cup was empty, I had no real reason to stay, but if I went, it meant I would miss time in the fantasy. It moved differently there, much quicker. I might miss the rest of the party whilst just walking to the car.

It would be too weird to stay in the cafe though. I wasn’t close enough to the end of my book either to say that I wanted to stay until I finished it. I couldn’t think of any other excuse. The best I could do was leave quickly, then I could get back to the fantasy as soon as we got to the car.

“Yeah, I’m ready to go now actually!” I said, closing my book and slipping it into my bag.

I looked up at her expectantly. I wasn’t really sure what she would do, whether she would leave now or make a point to stay a little longer, just to show that she was in control. To my surprise, she folded the corner of the page she was on and finished her coffee.

She fumbled around in her handbag for a moment before pulling out her purse. She made a point to make eye contact with the waitress before placing a banknote on the table for her.

“Shall we?” she asked, putting her purse and her book back into her oversized handbag.

I wasn’t sure what else she had in there, not really, but it was huge. It seemed like she always had whatever she needed in it, like it was magic or something. I knew it wasn’t though, obviously. Magic didn’t exist. It was just a huge bag and she was a hoarder.

We snaked through the restaurant towards the door. We had just gotten outside when my mom looked around at the shop next to the cafe.

“I need to get some more cigarettes,” she said, starting towards it. “You can get some more snacks or something, if you want.”

Her tone was dismissive but I didn’t care. She didn’t normally offer for me to get snacks and the ones in this shop were always great so I was pretty happy. For some reason, that random shop in a tiny town in Scotland had a huge collection of American candy. I had no clue why or who was even buying it apart from me but I was thrilled about it.

I followed her into the shop, a grin on my face as I went straight to the second last aisle, my eyes scanning the candy on display. There were so many options. Nerds, Airheads, Jolly Ranchers, Laffy Taffy and even more. I didn’t know where to start. Normally, I was more restrained but this time, I just grabbed a bunch. I barely read what they were, my eyes only lightly scanning the ingredients to check if they were vegetarian before bundling them into my arms.

“Grace?” I heard my mom call from the front of the shop and I paused, a bag of crisps in my hands.

I hesitated, still not sure if I did want the Takis or not. It said their flavour was just ‘wild’ and I had no clue what to make of that. They looked spicy though. That was enough to interest me.

Not that I particularly liked spicy food, on the whole, it was just spicy crisps. For some reason, I loved them.

“Yes?” I called back.

“Are you almost ready?”

I glanced at the rest of the candy reluctantly before turning my back on it and walking towards her. Anxiety started to build in my stomach as I approached the front of the shop. She was going to tell me off. She was definitely going to say something about the sheer amount of junk food I was cradling. I didn’t want to hear it but I also wanted everything I had selected.

Nervously, I exited the aisle and looked at her. She was waiting, her lips pursed and her eyes took in my very full arms. I expected her to say something rude but, to my surprise, she laughed. She shook her head and rolled her eyes playfully at the cashier.

“Alright, bring that all up here for Sharna to scan,” she told me.

That made her reaction make more sense. She must know the cashier or, judging by how young the girl looked, probably her parents.

I smiled at Sharna as I dropped the many packets onto the counter for her to start scanning and stepped back. I waited silently for her to be done, fighting the urge to disappear back into the fantasy.

“Did you want a bag?” Sharna asked eventually, her accent thick.

My mom eyed the pile of snacks before nodding.

“That would be great, please.”

Sharna grabbed a plastic bag from under the counter and started loading everything in before pushing it towards my mom slightly.

“That will be forty-seven, twenty-eight,” she said and I fought the urge to wince. “Cash or card?”

I knew that she’d bought cigarettes too but I’d had spent almost fifty pounds on snacks. It was too much.

My mom didn’t react at all though. She simply said, “Card.”

I waited whilst she typed in her PIN in and removed the card before looking back at me. I tried to smile at her but I knew it was more of a grimace.

“Great! Do you need a receipt?” Sharna asked.

“No, thank you. Grab your snacks then, Grace,” my mom told me and I rushed to do so. “Make sure to tell your mom Amanda says hi!”

“I will,” Sharna said with a smile as we left the shop.

I waited worriedly for her to say something as we crossed the car park towards the car but it wasn’t until we were seated inside and she had turned on the engine that she finally did.

“You’re not to eat that all at once and it’s the only junk food I’m getting you this summer,” she told me with a stern look.

“Okay,” I replied, reaching out for my fantasy without hesitation.