Inescapable Escapism

The towel underneath me scratched at my butt uncomfortably and, for a moment, I was confused. I looked around, taking in the world outside my window. I recognise the town that we were driving through, in a hazy and uncertain way. I have been there before. No, it was more than that. In my dream, I lived there. I had done for over a year now.

Irritation tinged with disappointment washed through me as I realised that we had left the party. The entire evening, the time spent in the hot tub, was over. I could remember it, obviously, but it wasn't the same. The flirty, suggestive comments made to Freddy, the many more drinks, the endless laughter that had spilt from my mouth, all over. I had missed it because I had been too distracted by reality and the bag of snacks which now sat at my feet.

I let out a frustrated say and slumped back in my seat, ignoring the look from Freddy as Sarah giggled from the passenger seat.

“Oh, I love this song!” she cried, her words heavily slurred, before starting to sing along to the music on the radio.

She was so drunk, her words warbled and tone unsteady, that I didn’t even know what she was singing. It was enough to break me out of my sulk though and I laughed, enjoying Sarah’s joy.

I glanced through the gap in the seats at her, watching as she sang happily before realising that she was dressed just in her bra and pants. A towel had been wrapped around her but she’d forgotten about it, letting it fall open.

With a jolt, I realised that I was almost naked too. We’d clearly decided that it wasn’t getting dressed again after climbing out of the hot tub. A towel, one of the ones that Jace had started keeping in his boot after we began regularly using the hot tub at Ainsley’s parties, was wrapped around me loosely but it showed too much of my chest. I tried to pull it higher, aware of how much skin was showing through the lace of my bra. It didn’t really help though. The towel wasn’t big enough and I had to decide between showing off more of my leg if I pulled it up or more of my chest if I left it how it was. I really didn’t know what the better option was. Both made me feel self-conscious.

But my movement had made Freddy look at me again. His eyes dipped to my chest for just a moment before a blush touched his cheeks and he looked away quickly. I bit my lip, trying not to smile at how cute his reaction was. Normally, I didn’t like people looking at me like that but I liked Freddy so I didn’t mind. More than that, I actually liked it.

He’d seen me in my underwear before though, I could remember going in the hot tub with him, Sarah, Jace and a couple of others but maybe this was different. It felt different. Now, it was just the four of us. It felt… more intimate. I’d been flirting with Freddy more this time too, I knew I had. All thoughts of Aaron had left my mind and I was just falling more and more for Freddy.

He was so nice, so cute too. And he had a great body and he was so kind. Maybe I was just drunk but I wanted to be with him. I wanted to kiss him.

My face flushed and I glanced at him, grateful that he wasn’t looking at me, as we pulled into the car park outside Amy’s. The fog that had been just covering the lake beyond had begun reaching into the car park. Ghostly fingers stretched out over the spaces, curling whitely.

I shivered instinctively, knowing that the world outside was going to be a lot colder than the car and I wasn’t prepared. I wanted to stay inside where I was warm and cosy instead of venturing out where it was muddy and horrible.

Jace pulled the car to a stop as close to the side door as he could get without driving across the grass and glanced back at me.

“Are you going to be able to get in okay?” he asked me.

“Yeah, should be fine,” I replied, hearing my voice slur a little.

I grabbed my dress from the seat between me and Freddy, hearing the jingle of my keys as I picked it up.

“Umm…” I started, looking up at him.

I didn’t know what else to say though. I wanted to say more, say all of the things I was thinking about him, but I couldn’t with Jace and Sarah there. Although, I had said worse in front of Sarah before, I could remember that much. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d drunkenly confessed my feelings to someone in front of her, that’s how I got together with my ex.

“Can I walk you to your door?” Freddy asked, sounding strangely nervous.

I glanced towards the bright red door before looking back at it. It was really muddy out, creepy too with the fog. I was used to it though, fog generally rolled in off the lake this time of year. It had gotten worse a couple of weeks back and it would keep getting worse. I didn’t remember it being that bad last year but everyone else had assured me that it was normal.

“No, it’s okay,” I said, seeing how worried he looked. “I can make it.”

Freddy smiled at me but I saw Jace look confused.

“Are you sure? It looks pretty muddy out there and you’re in heels,” he said.

“Yeah, Freddy, you should help her!” Sarah cried, her voice so loud. “I don’t want her to fall!”

Freddy looked at me uncertainly, waiting for my answer. I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want him to have to go out in the fog if he didn’t want to or was scared of it. I understood that. There was something unsettling about it but it was probably just fog in general that was unnerving.

“Do you mind?” I asked him.

“Of course not!” he replied, reaching for the door handle.

He raced around to my side before I could even get out, holding his hand out to me to help keep me steady. I took it, enjoying how it felt in mine, my other hand clutching my dress against my towel to keep it shut.

He held my hand tightly as we started across the mud towards the door and, after I almost slipped a couple of times, I was really glad. Even if I hadn’t slipped, I would have been glad. I just liked holding his hand. It was so large, it engulfed my hand completely.

We reached the door without saying anything and I stopped, finally letting go of him to fumble around in the bundle of my dress for the keys. I found them after what felt like too long and turned back towards Freddy. He hadn’t gotten dressed after the hot tub earlier so he was just in his boxers, a towel wrapped around his waist.

It was so foggy that I could barely see the car from where we were. It felt like it was just the two of us, alone in the world.

Freddy licked his lips, preparing to say something.

“Um… Tonight was fun,” he said.

I smiled looking up at him. I knew that I was standing too close to him but I liked it.

“It was,” I replied.

He smiled and the silence between us stretched out. It was a little awkward and I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t do anything other than look up at him. He was so close, I could easily just reach up and kiss him.

I felt my chin start to lift and I could almost hear my mom talking to me in reality but I let my lips move, answering her without paying attention to what either of us was saying.

“Grace, I… I had a really nice time tonight,” Freddy said, his voice low and slightly husky.

“I did too,” I started to say before laughter drifted towards us.

It was so loud, so clear. There was more than one person there, maybe even a whole party. They sounded like they were having so much fun. Voices, unclear but followed by laughter rung out in the night, coming from the direction of the lake.

I tried not to get distracted by them, to focus on Freddy’s face so close to mine but it was hard. The voices and laughter made me want to walk towards them, to find out what was happening there.

I almost did it. I almost stepped away from Freddy, who was looking at me so intently, and walked towards the lake but I stopped myself. I blinked hard and looked back at Freddy.

“I should get back to the car,” he said after a moment. “I’ll see you at school on Monday?”

Disappointment flashed in my stomach but I forced myself to smile up at him.

“Sounds great, I’ll see you then,” I said, turning towards the door and shoving the key in.

I almost missed the lock but I just about managed to get it right. Shoving the door hard with my shoulder, and making sure not to drop my towel or my clothes on the muddy ground outside, it opened. The noise of swollen wood struggling against the solid frame filled the air for a moment, making me wince, but I stumbled into the corridor beyond. The light in there was blinding. I let go of the door, throwing a hand up to shield my eyes as I blinked quickly to try and make my eyes adjust.

I heard Jace’s car start up again and I turned, lifting my hand away from my face to wave at them, but they couldn’t see me. The fog had filled the space between us, making his car little more than a brighter glow in the distance. Even so, I stood and watched, leaning against the door, as the light slowly faded. Once I couldn’t distinguish it from the whiteish glow of the fog, I turned back towards the corridor.

Fog had started to find its way in somehow. I noticed it as I started to shut the door, the wisps reaching in towards me, but then I heard something that stopped me. Another laugh floated towards me and I knew that it was coming from the lake. I wasn’t sure how it was reaching me, it wasn’t particularly close to the door, but I could hear it so clearly.

I could almost make out voices. The longer I stood there listening, the clearer they got.

“Come in and join us,” I heard a girl shout, followed by giggles and splashing water.

“I’m not going in there. Don’t you know the lake has leeches?” a boy replied.

His tone was lighthearted, teasing. He didn’t believe that there were actually leeches in there, I could tell, he just wanted to mess with whoever was in the water. It has the desired effects though. Screams echoed through the air, water splashing as people rushed out of the lake, away from the apparent leeches.

A laugh echoed through the air towards me, deep and melodic. It made me want to join them at the water, to hear that laugh again.

“Grace,” I heard my mom say but I barely listened to whatever followed.

I felt myself nodding, moving out of the car and towards the house but it was automatic. I was too enthralled by the voices I was hearing.

They were familiar. I wasn’t sure how but I knew them. It was strange though. It wasn’t like I knew them from this world. I recognised the voices but I couldn’t exactly place where I had heard them before. Something deep within me responded to them and a smile lit my face. I was happy, I liked those people, even if I didn’t remember who they were or how I knew them.

“Aaron, you’re such an asshole!” the first voice, the girl, shrieked.

Aaron was there, I knew it. That made me hesitate though. I wanted to go see him, to get to know him better and just spend time with him but something was stopping me. I think it was fear. He saw straight through me. That was terrifying and it made part of me want to completely avoid him but I didn’t really want that. I felt conflicted, torn between too many options and I wanted to do all of them.

“Grace?” Aaron’s voice sounded sharply but I didn’t recognise it.

It was too close to me and I was expecting the humour-filled happy voice that had reached out through the fog, full of teasing, not the scratchy harsh tone. I jumped, my head whipping around to start at him.

I didn’t recognise him. He looked so different, so old. He’d grown his hair out longer than I was used to and his expression was too worried, too intense. And he was looking at me like he didn’t recognise me.

“Grace,” he repeated, stepping closer. “What are you doing out here?”

I jolted. Somehow I'd been so out of it that I didn’t even realise he was saying my name.

“Oh, yeah. Hey. I just got back from the party. What are you doing in here?” I asked, flustered.

I wanted to ask him how he was inside when just a moment ago I’d heard him out by the lake. Was it possible that he had squeezed past me as I stood in the doorway? It was the only way in and out of the bit leading to our rooms. I had no clue how he’d done it.

“I was just coming down for a smoke,” he said, lifting the cigarette packet in his hand. “Why are you standing in the doorway? Are you not cold?”

There was something to his tone, an edge to it that I didn’t understand or recognise.

“No, it’s not too bad,” I said truthfully, having not even noticed the cold, before looking down and realising that I was still in just a towel with my clothes clutched to my chest. “Oh.”

Goosebumps had broken out on my skin too. I could see them on my chest and arms. I must have been cold but I couldn’t feel it and I realised suddenly that I had no clue how long I’d been standing there.

“You should go upstairs. Warm up,” he suggested, not moving any closer to me.

I wanted him to though. I wanted him to step close to me and wrap his arms around me like he’d done so many times in the past.

No, he hadn’t. He’d never hugged me before or as much as looked at me for longer than absolutely necessary. The conversation we were currently having might even be the longest one that we’d ever had.

“Yeah, probably,” I said, feeling confused and unnerved.

I started to step towards him, moving away from the door and further into the bright corridor before pausing and looking down at my feet. I was still wearing my heels but they were caked in dried mud. It was flaking off, leaving specks of it all over the black and white tile floor.

I glanced up at Aaron who was still watching me with that undecipherable expression, before looking back at my feet. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to make a mess and track mud all over the floor but then I didn't want to bend down and take my heels off because I was scared of accidentally flashing him if I did that.

A flare of boldness shot through me and I realised that I just didn’t care. He was just a boy, it didn’t matter if he saw a little bit more of my skin than I’d expected. Plus, he wouldn’t care. He was still caught up on… someone. I couldn’t remember their name. Whoever he’d been with out on the lake, I guessed.

I leaned against the door heavily as I slipped my heels off, shivering as my bare feet touched the ice-cold floor. I hesitated before tucking them just to the side of the door, under the table where they put our mail. They wouldn’t be in anyone’s way there and I could grab them tomorrow before I started work in the morning.

I straightened, realising that Aaron was still watching me, and cocked my head to the side.

“What?” I asked finally.

He blinked, as if he’d been deep in thought, a smile pulling at his lips. It looked fake though.

“Grace,” a voice said.

Not Aaron’s. Someone else’s.

I pulled myself out of the world, feeling like I was swimming through treacle to get out. Even my lungs were straining from the effort.

“Yeah?” I asked, turning to look at my mom.

Even that moment sent me stumbling, dizziness rocking me. The hallway spun around me and I fell into the nearest wall, the plastic bag in my hand thumping into it. I was so glad that I was almost at the stairs and that the wall wasn’t far because I knew that if I had been even a few steps back, I would have fallen to the floor. I didn’t even want to think about what would have happened if I had been going up the stairs.

“I’ve booked a table for tonight. We’ll be going out at seven,” she said, not even looking up from her phone to look at me.

I was glad. Sweat slicked my forehead and I tightened my grip on the plastic bag as white spots exploded in my vision.

“Sounds great,” I muttered, not even able to ask where we were going.

“Make sure you give yourself enough time to dry your hair properly,” she told me.

“Okay,” I managed to just about say.

I barely saw her stride down the hall, my vision tunnelling and blocking almost everything from sight. I was able to stay standing until I heard the scrape of a chair on the hard kitchen floor, the sound distant and foggy to my ears, before collapsing onto the step. I dropped the bag, letting my head fall forwards until it hit my knees, the moment almost sending me into the floor.

I sucked in as deep breaths as I could manage, tears pricking my eyes. I wasn’t sure why they were building and threatening to fall but I was too distracted by the rhythmic rushing noise that was drowning out everything else to think about it. Slowly and gradually they both faded until, finally, I felt strong enough to sit up slightly.

I did it slowly, bracing my hands on my knees and waiting to see if I was going to fall, but thankfully, I was able to sit up fully. My vision cleared gradually, slowly returning to normal. My body hurt though. My chest ached and my legs shook as I carefully pushed myself upwards, pulling the bag of snacks with me.

The stairs were difficult. It took me too long to make my way up them and I had to clutch at the bannister as I did, terrified the whole time that I was going to fall down. I was pretty sure that my mom would call an ambulance if I did but I just didn’t want to put up with the hassle it would cause. I couldn’t imagine how my mom would cope with that. If I got blood on the floor or stained it somehow, she would never hear the end of it and that meant I wouldn’t either.

Relief washed through me when I finally reached the top and only had the flat corridor to manage. My feet dragged along the carpet as I slowly made my way along it, falling heavily against my door. I dropped the bag as soon as I was inside, shoving the door shut behind me and making my way towards my bed where I collapsed immediately.

Pain shot through me, seeming to ricochet against my ribs, but I ignored it. It was dumb, especially after how much pain I had just felt and was still feeling, but I pushed my way back towards the fantasy. I saw just a brief flash of the bus before I was back to staring at Aaron again. I was closer to him now, having started to make my way down the corridor, and I blinked the slight dizziness away as I passed him.

“Good night,” I told him.

“Night,” he responded.

I continued towards the stairs at the end of the corridor, feeling his eyes still on me. Turning to look at him, I paused. He was watching me, his eyebrows drawn together and an expression close to worry on his face.

“What?” I asked self-consciously but he shook his head and looked away.

“Make sure to keep the windows closed,” he blurted after a moment before smiling at me ruefully. “The, umm, the fog will get in.”

I felt my features scrunch up with confusion. It was a weird thing to say and he looked like he regretted the words the moment he said them.

“Yeah… I will,” I said, smiling at him politely as I continued up the stairs.

The door slammed shut below me and I couldn’t help but continue to play his words over and over again in my head as I climbed the stairs up to my apartment on the third floor. It was a weird thing to say. I mean, surely it didn’t matter at all if fog got into my room? I was more worried about the cold. Now that I was moving again, I’d started to shake. My hands trembled so hard that I could barely get the keys in the lock.

I felt weirdly sober again. I wasn’t sure what had happened or when it had happened but I felt as though I hadn’t even drunk anything as I stepped into my familiar apartment, making my way through it towards the bathroom.

I washed my makeup off, slipping out of my dry clothes and pulling on some pyjamas before glancing at the shower. I knew that I probably should shower before bed. I’d been in the jacuzzi and I wouldn’t want to do it before work in the morning but I was just too lazy and exhausted. The allure of sleep was too strong.

I settled for setting an earlier alarm, giving myself an extra half hour in the morning, before falling into bed and pulling the duvet up around me.