Inescapable Escapism

“Did you bring any actual books or just your phone?” my mom asked, looking over the menu at me.

“Umm…” I started, trying to remember what I had packed in my bag. I had been mostly in my daydream whilst getting ready so I wasn’t sure. My foot found my backpack under the table, lightly probing it as I tried to work out if I had brought a book. “Yes?”

Mom continued to scrutinise me for a moment before sighing.

“What are you going to order?” she asked.

“Mmmm,” my eyes scanned the menu, “a cheese toastie, I think.”

She nodded, looking at her menu too.

“I might join you,” she said as a waitress approached the table.

“Can I get you two any drinks?” she asked, her tone friendly and warm.

“An espresso,” my mom said.

The waitress noted it down and looked at me.

“Um, what syrups do you have?” I asked.

“I can do caramel, hazelnut, honeycomb, rose, lavender, black forest, vanilla, Irish cream, peanut butter, gingerbread, although it’s the middle of summer so I’m not sure how good that will be. What else?” she paused and glanced towards the counter at the back of the cafe. “Ah, amaretto, butterscotch, black forest, did I already say that one? I’m sure we have more. I can go check if you want?”

“No, it’s okay,” I said quickly. “Can I just get a honeycomb latte?”

“Sure thing!” she said, writing it quickly. “Are you ready to order food?”

She looked questioningly between my mom and me.

“Yes. We’d like two cheese toasties,” my mom said.

“Great! And would you like chips or salad with those?”

“A salad, please,” my mom decided.

The waitress looked at me and I felt the urge to agree with mom my and order a salad as well but I didn’t want that.

“Chips, please,” I said with a smile.

I felt my mom look at me sharply but I ignored it, focusing on handing the menu back to the waitress. She continued to stare at me as the waitress collected her menu and walked away. I could feel that a lecture was coming so I slipped into the fantasy as she opened her mouth.

It was daytime again. I was no longer lying in bed, staring out the fake window of the bus. Instead, I was back on the stool, peddling distractedly as I stared at the iPad with my breakfast all but forgotten below it.

I blinked and looked around. I had the feeling that I had been fully engrossed in whatever lesson I had been reading, the fundamentals of intelligence work, and had been staring at the screen for a while. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since they’d brought my breakfast around but I hurried to open the drawer on the right side and slipped my tray of half-eaten chocolate porridge into it.

I was kind of tired still. I had the feeling that I hadn’t slept much the night before in my fantasy. It made sense. It had been weird sleeping on the bus. Every so often we would turn a corner or go around a roundabout and I would roll and jolt awake, terrified I was about to crash onto the floor. The bed had raised edges so that I wouldn’t fall out and it didn’t lift far off the ground anyway but it still scared me every time.

I think the concept of spending potentially a full day inside my room, staring at the iPad screen, was making me feel more tired too. It was too monotonous. I dreaded it and wished that I could walk outside and get some fresh air.

The corners of my mouth ticked up and I started to reach out for that dizziness again. A gentle breeze touched my face and blew my curls back from my shoulder as I tugged the bright red door at the side of the cafe again. It always got stuck at this time of year and I was never sure why but the weather never helped. The grass path around the door turned muddy too easily so every time I tried to yank the door shut, I slid.

It was even harder in heels. I could barely find enough purchase on the damp grass and I could feel them starting to sink into the mud as I groaned under my breath, the door getting stuck again. I shoved it open, putting all of my weight into the next heave.

It slammed shut loudly and I winced, hoping that it wouldn’t disturb any of the others who lived upstairs. I knew that it wouldn’t though. We were too used to it by this point.

“Look at you!” Sarah called from the car, rushing out to throw her arms around me. “You look great!”

She clung on tightly, a tipsy giggle slipping out of her lips.

“Thanks,” I said, glancing down at my dress and trying to hide my surprise. “So do you.”

It was like nothing I would have worn in real life. The red dress was low-cut, tight too. It showed off way more skin than I would ever have but strangely, I didn’t feel self-conscious. I was happy, confident.

It felt weird but I liked it.

“Are you trying to impress someone?” Sarah asked, wiggling her eyebrows at me as she dragged me back towards the beat-up car idling behind her at the edge of the car park.

Its wheels were caked in mud and it was clearly well used but somehow I knew that the guy who hung out the window, grinning at us, loved it.

“Grace is trying to impress someone?” he called. “Who’ve you got your eye on?”

Jason, I remembered before correcting myself, Jace. Sarah’s boyfriend.

“No one,” I told him, fighting the urge to blush as I climbed into the back seat.

Sarah giggled.

“If you say so,” she said. “Oh, wait! You should ask him if he wants a lift to the party!”

“Who?” Jason asked.

“Aaron!” Sarah cried, not getting into the car yet.

“Aaron?” Jason repeated, turning in his seat to look at me.

“Will you be quiet?” I hissed at Sarah, feeling my cheeks heat up as I glanced around the parking lot. He could be somewhere there and hear them. “Are you getting in?”

Sarah giggled again but luckily, she did lower her voice.

“No! You should go offer him a lift!”

“I already did,” I said quickly, reaching out the open door and grabbing her hand. “He’s already gone.”

Sarah let me drag her into the car.

Laughter echoed behind her and I quickly scanned the parking lot. It was empty but fog was rolling in from the lake, hiding the pier beyond it, so there could be someone there, waiting just out of sight.

It had sounded like a girl laughing but Aaron could be there too. Maybe he was with her.

That thought made jealousy rush through me but I knew that was stupid. I barely knew Aaron, I had no right to be jealous. He could spend time with another girl and do whatever he wanted with them, we weren’t dating.

“You did?” she asked. “So, you are into him?”

“No,” I said, unable to meet her gaze as I shuffled over the seats and did up the seatbelt. “I just thought it made sense for me to ask if we’re both going to the same party.”

“Sure,” Sarah said doubtingly before reaching in between the seats in front of us and grabbing something. “Want some?”

I looked down at the bottle she had picked up from the passenger seat as Jason started to drive.

“What is it?” I asked, opening it and taking a sniff.

I recoiled from the eye-watering scent and looked up at Sarah in shock.

“Sarah’s surprise!” she cried.

Jason’s eyes met mine in the mirror and he sent me a sympathetic look. I knew that he’d drunk her concoctions many times before, I had too, and they were never good. It made me glad that Amy’s didn’t serve alcohol because I knew that Sarah would want to work behind the bar if it did, despite technically only being seventeen like I was in this fantasy.

It would be a recipe for a lawsuit. Her drinks were notoriously bad, even when she was supposedly following a recipe. Strong too. She normally just added a bunch of spirits and topped off the bottle with a dribble of whatever mixer she had around, making it horrifically strong and almost always disgusting. Even so, I took a sip from the bottle she had thrust at me.

It burned my throat and I felt my body wanting to expel the poison I had just drunk.

“It’s so good, right?” she exclaimed as I looked up at her with watering eyes.

Her tastebuds had to be broken.

“No,” I said honestly, wiping under my eyes carefully to make sure my eyeliner didn’t run.

She looked at me, seeming genuinely surprised even though I told her it was bad every time.

“What? I think it tastes good!” she insisted, reaching out and taking another swing of it.

She didn’t even wince.

“How? How can you possibly think that?” I asked.

She swallowed the drink, seemingly without any issues.

“Because it does! How can you think it doesn’t?” she demanded.

I laughed, taking the drink back and having another much smaller sip.

“I love you,” I told her. “Thanks for bringing it.”

She beamed.

“Any time!”

I returned the smile, feeling glad that I’d started working at Amy’s for many the millionth time. Not only did Amy let me live above the diner for free but it also meant that I’d gotten to know Sarah and the others who worked there. Before that, I was fairly new to the area. My parents had moved there a few months before I turned sixteen and they hadn’t stuck around for long afterwards.

Sarah had been kind to me straight away, everyone there had. I’m not sure if Amy told them what was going on or what but she had gone out of her way to make sure I was included in everything. She had brought me into her friendship group and now I had friends. I couldn’t quite believe it but I was popular.

“So,” Jason said. “You’re into Aaron. Does that mean you’re into quiet, older guys?”

Sarah giggled.

“He’s hardly older, he’s only just turned eighteen!” she insisted. “Or is it more of a physical thing because I think Freddy kind of looks like him? They both have that chiselled kind of look.”

“Oh, yeah!” Jason said. “Do you want me to set you up with him? I’m pretty sure he’s already into you, he’s super obvious about it.”

I laughed, taking another swing of the drink and barely grimacing this time.

“No, it’s fine but thanks.”

“Why not?” Sarah asked. “Are you still caught up on Bennett? He was such an asshole.”

The venom in her voice made me smile despite the twinge of sadness that I felt at the mention of my ex. She was right, he was an asshole. He cheated on me with not one but two other girls. They didn’t even go to our school so it took me a while to find out.

What a dick.

“No, no. It’s not him, I’m just not sure if I’m into Freddy, you know?” I said.

I wasn’t. He was hot, obviously, and I did like him but my mind kept straying back to Aaron.

It shouldn’t. He didn’t date, everyone knew that.

“Only one way to find out,” Sarah said with a wink.

I laughed.

“I’m not hooking up with him!” I insisted, the words kind of shocking me even as they made her snort.

I knew that was what she was getting at. She was terrible in the best way possible.

“Why not?” she cried.

“Because I’m not into him!”

“Who cares? You might be if you give him a try!”

“I don’t want to,” I said.

That made her nod sagely.

“Fine but we’ll find someone for you, won’t we, Jace?” she said, reaching past the headrest to squeeze his shoulder.

“Of course,” he agreed. “Either that or we’ll find a way to set you and Aaron up.”

“I’m not into Aaron!” I lied, dropping my head back against the seat as Sarah giggled.

“Okay, sure,” she teased.

“I’m not!”

“Mmmhmmm.”

I sighed loudly and started to speak before being interrupted.

“Sorry about the long wait,” the waitress said as she returned to us. “One cheese toastie with chips, one with salad. Do you want any sauces or condiments?”

I blinked, nausea forcing its way up my throat as I snapped back into reality, and for a moment, I truly thought I was going to throw up.

“No, thank you,” my mom said.

The waitress looked at me but I couldn’t open my mouth. If I did, I would have vomited.

I shook my head at her, trying to smile as best I could, so as not to be rude.

She returned the smile before walking away.

I forced a tight breath out of my nose, my nausea slowly subsiding before disappearing. I couldn’t fathom the idea of eating just yet so instead, I grabbed my coffee. I hadn’t even noticed the tall glass mug arrive but, judging by how much was already gone from the cup, I had already started drinking it.

I gripped the glass handle tightly as I lifted it to my nose and sniffed it. I had to fight to keep a straight face. It was so sweet, almost sickly, but my mom’s gaze was on my face. If I reacted in any way that wasn’t positive, something told me that she’d make a comment about the amount of sugar in the syrup and I just didn’t want to deal with that. Steeling myself, I took a sip,

It actually wasn’t as sweet as it smelt. The initial taste was overwhelmingly honeycomb but then, it gave way to something less sweet. It wasn’t quite as bitter as the other coffee drinks I had tried. It was… actually quite nice.

I took another sip before glancing up at my mom.

“How is it?” she asked, a sharp edge to her words.

“Delicious,” I replied with a smile.

My mom’s lips twitched slightly, as if she wanted to purse them but gave up, and she looked away. She took a drink from her own coffee and lifted her book again.

A smile came over my face as I slipped back into my fantasy.

I was still on the bus, at the desk again. The iPad screen in front of me was covered in words, a page of a textbook on the screen, but I didn’t have it in me to actually read. My eyes drifted back and forth lazily, not taking the words in, before I reached out for that dizziness without really even meaning to.

“Finish that off before we go in,” Sarah instructed, thrusting the drink into my hands again, her eyes shiny and bright.

Over her shoulder, I could see a house. Lights were flashing from inside and music floated towards us down the drive. People milled about outside, their steps unsteady, laughter echoing in the air. It brought a smile to my face. I felt strangely at ease with the concept of a party in this world.

I lifted the bottle to my mouth without hesitating, downing the dregs of the cocktail. It actually didn’t taste bad anymore. I wasn't sure if it was just that we had managed to finish the bottle between us and I was feeling the effects or if I had been wrong before, but it really wasn't bad. It was kind of nice actually.

“Yay!” Sarah cheered, throwing the car door open. “Let’s go!”

I followed her, an easy smile coming over my face as we started up the grass-covered drive. There was a path somewhere, I was sure, but we weren’t taking it. Instead, we were going around the side of the house, towards the garden.

But it felt strangely familiar. I’d done this before, been here before. We always hung out in the garden at Ainsley’s parties. I wasn’t sure how I knew but I did. The garden was more fun. The music was quieter out there, we could talk.

“You made it!” a voice called as we rounded the house.

I barely got a chance to see what was happening in the garden before my view was blocked. A guy had rushed towards me and thrown his arms around my shoulders. I laughed, giggled really, hugging him back even though I could feel my heels slowly sinking into the grass. He smelt nice but there was a definite undertone of beer.

“Yeah,” I said.

Finally, the guy pulled back and grinned down at me.

“Can I get you a drink?” he asked.

Freddy, I realised slowly. The guy that Jason and Sarah had mentioned. He was the one they thought looked like Aaron and apparently, he was into me already. He was, I knew that, but he didn’t look like Aaron. I mean, don’t get me wrong. They both did have pretty chiselled jaws and cheekbones that jutted out but that was it.

Aaron was all dark and shadows. Dark hair, bags under his eyes and a perpetual glare on his face but Freddy was the opposite. Light hair and a grin on his face so bright that it was like he was radiating happiness. He reminded me of a puppy. A golden retriever. Perfect and lovely but… not what I wanted.

But there was still something about him that appealed to me. I did like him, a lot. He was a good person, kind and friendly. It made me confused. Almost as confused as the way he was looking at me.

I think that if I hadn’t met Aaron, I wouldn’t have felt so conflicted. I could have just liked Freddy without thoughts of Aaron overshadowing it.

“Yeah, that would be great,” I replied. “Although, I just finished one of Sarah’s cocktails in the car so…”

“Oof,” he said, a sympathetic smile on his face. “Can I get you something to chase the taste away?”

“Hey!” Sarah cried, slapping his arm. “It was delicious. Wasn’t it delicious, Grace?”

They both looked at me and I saw Jason cover his mouth to hide his laughter.

“Yeah,” I said, my tone utterly unconvincing. “I mean… it was certainly alcohol.”

Freddy and Jason burst into loud laughter, drawing the attention of the other people in the garden.

“Hey! You’re here!” someone, Emily, called from where they were huddled near the table of alcohol. “What do you lot want?”

I waited for someone to speak before realising they were looking at me. Not Sarah, not Jace or Freddy, me. They wanted me to answer first.

That felt weird. It kind of took me by surprise. I wasn’t used to being the person that people looked to in the group. I was the one who blended into the shadows, barely noticeable. The only people who ever paid me attention were Duncan and Phoebe. I loved it though. It made me stand up straighter, smile wider.

“What have you got?” I asked, walking towards her.

The others followed me and the group parted, making space for us. For me.

“Oh, everything. We have spirits, beer, umm, some stuff in unmarked bottles that I probably wouldn’t drink but you can if you want to. What are you feeling?” Emily asked, glancing back at me.

I hesitated, not sure what the Grace from this world would like to drink or what she normally drank, before lifting one shoulder in a delicate shrug.

“Sarah, want to make us some drinks?” I asked.

Sarah gasped.

“Really?” she asked, sounding thrilled. “You mean it?”

“Yeah, are you sure?” Jason asked, earning himself a glare.

I grinned at Sarah, liking how happy I had made her.

“I mean, why not?”

“Because…” Emily started, glancing worriedly at Sarah who was already excitedly eyeing the drinks that had been left out. “Actually, Sarah, will you make me a drink too?”

Sarah looked around at me, her grin so wide that it looked like it hurt.

“Do you want one too?” she asked her boyfriend who was watching her adoringly.

He deliberated for a moment before shrugging.

“That would be great. Make me something that tastes good, please,” he requested, a begging note in his voice. “And not too strong. I’ve got to drive people home later so I can only have one weak drink.”

“Okay!” Sarah responded cheerfully.

“You must have a death wish,” Freddy said, ducking his head towards me and speaking softly into my ear. “Her drinks are brutal. I still remember the time I woke up on the school roof after starting the night with one of her cocktails.”

I laughed, turning towards him.

“That was funny,” I told him, looking up at him.

He was close to me, so close to me. That made butterflies take flight in my stomach. I hadn’t ever been that close to a guy, not like this. I mean, this Grace had. She’d been closer, I had the flashes of memories to prove it, but I hadn’t.

“I guess we’re in for a wild night,” Freddy said softly, a warm smile on his face as Sarah bounded back over to us.

“Okay, I think that this one has technically curdled but all the bits are sinking to the bottom so you should be able to just drink it and leave the gross bits,” she told us, thrusting plastic cups into our hands.

I smiled at her worriedly and glanced down at the drink.

It was red, for some reason, but also milky and with flecks of curdled milk swirled in the depths. My eyes darted towards Freddy, who stared at the drink with a nauseous expression on his face, before returning to Sarah.

“What did you… What’s in this?” I asked.

“Umm… a lot of things. I started with lemonade and then there was this really nice cherry drink that was kind of sweet but also sour and then… oh, I added Bailey’s! I think that’s what’s curdled,” Sarah said, glancing back at the table full of bottles.

I fought the urge to shudder.

“Why did you add Bailey’s?” I asked.

I didn’t really drink Bailey’s in real life but I’d tried a sip of it once and that was enough to convince me to never drink it again.

“I thought it would make it taste like a milkshake! And it does! Try some,” Sarah prompted.

She looked hopeful, so hopeful. I could tell just how much she enjoyed making drinks, how fun she found it and how much she wanted me to love the undoubtedly disgusting cocktail. I had to at least try it. I had to tell her it was delicious.

My eyes darted to Freddy’s again and I shot him a helpless look which he returned. Together, we slowly lifted the cups to our mouths. I silently uttered a prayer to anyone who would listen before taking a sip.

It wasn’t as bad as I expected, probably because I expected it to be unpalatable, so bad it would make me want to vomit. However, I managed to swallow my mouthful, my eyes barely watering. I even heard Freddy swallow loudly beside me.

“Delicious,” I lied.

Sarah’s face lit up and she bounded away from us.

“That was one of the worst things I’ve ever drank,” Freddy muttered to me, staring into the depths of his drink. “Please don’t tell me I need to finish it? I don’t think I can do it. I could feel the curdles in my mouth.”

He glanced up at me, his expression desperate. He was waiting for me to tell him what to do.

My eyes darted around the garden, taking in the small groups of people huddled around the space. Most people had been drawn towards the hot tub, which I would definitely be going in later whether I brought my swimming costume with me or not, but there were some just standing around.

The back of the garden gave way to woods. We didn’t have to go in there but no one was close. We could walk that way, dump our drinks there where no one would see.

“Come with me,” I told him, turning away from the others who were now being handed equally questionable drinks. “I’ve got a plan.”

He followed me immediately, not even looking back at the others, and we started down the garden.

People’s gaze followed us as we walked, some smiling but others eyeing us jealously. It was such a strange experience but I was enjoying it. I loved the attention, more than I should probably. I felt like I could stand tall. I didn’t need to stare at the ground, not wanting to meet people’s gaze or look away quickly. I could just… be confident.

And I was. I was so confident, so relaxed, right until my eyes fell on Aaron who stalked out of the woods. His gaze barely found mine before a scowl came over his face and he stalked past us, towards the house.

“So, are you still enjoying working at Amy’s?” Freddy asked.