Inescapable Escapism

I stared out of the window, hearing my mom ranting next to me but not paying any attention to what she was saying. I knew that it would be the same as it was every year, oscillating between fury that her parents were leaving so soon and relief that they were going.

I felt the same way but she was a lot more hurt by their action. She’d mentioned multiple times that when her brother and his children had stayed at the house over the Easter break, her parents hadn’t left at all. He was the favourite though, that made sense.

“I mean, maybe it’s a good thing they’re going! We won’t need to put up with having the TV on so loud all of the time!” she said with a sharp, forced laugh that she obviously didn’t mean.

I laughed along with her, humouring her, before plunging back into my fantasy.

“So… what happens now?” I heard myself ask.

We were still sitting at the table and I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. It didn’t feel like long though. Everything looked the same as it had before my mom had interrupted me.

Ms Brice removed her glasses, tucking them into a case and placing them on the table again before speaking.

“In a moment, I'll take you to your room where you can learn more about the process and what we do whilst we pick up the other recruits. Unfortunately, you won't be able to see out the window because we like to keep some level of anonymity and confidentiality but there is everything you need in that room. There is a bed, in case you get tired, a toilet and a sink, and an iPad with everything you need to know for now on it,” she said with a pleasant smile. “You’ll be able to learn a lot before we even get to the school.”

My eyebrows drew together.

“A bed? How long are we going to be travelling?” I asked.

She inclined her head slightly, glancing at the iPad in front of her.

“It'll be about a day or two before we get there. We need to pick up a few recruits from all over the country so it is a lot of travel and unfortunately, it all must be done today.”

Even though it was just a fantasy and I knew I wasn't trapped there, the idea of being locked in a room and unable to leave for more than a day was horrible. I wanted to be able to get up and get some fresh air or just not be staring at the same four walls the whole time. It felt unbearable.

Although, I had probably spent that much time in my room during the summer. I was sure there were days when I hadn't left the room, not even to get food. Maybe, it wouldn't be any different from that.

“Don’t worry though, there’s an exercise bike built into the desk chair which should help you feel slightly less restless!” she said.

“Oh, good,” I said softly, not actually feeling better.

I was so glad that I wasn’t really stuck in that world. I could dip in and out whenever I wanted to so it wasn’t actually like I couldn’t leave my room at all.

“Great! Do you have any other worries or questions? I am sure a lot of them will be answered by the information on the iPad in your room,” she said.

It sounded like she was trying to rush me into my room and I wasn’t sure why. Maybe she didn’t want me to know where we were going. I could see out of the window still, we hadn’t travelled that far from my house, so that wasn’t giving anything away.

I wasn’t sure how to answer her. My mind was racing. It felt like I had a million questions but I didn’t want to ask something stupid.

“Where am I being trained?” I asked. “Is it the school from the brochure or…”

I trailed off, clinging to the hope that it was. It had looked so pretty and I really wanted to go there.

She nodded, an understanding smile on her face.

“Yes, it’s the same school. You’ll be able to learn more about how it is run and what the day-to-day of your life there will look like once you’re in your room,” she explained. “Would you like me to tell you a bit about it?”

I nodded eagerly. I wanted to know everything about the school.

Excitement was starting to build in my stomach, even though I still wasn’t sure that I could trust them. It felt too good to be true and I didn’t understand why they had to take me that day rather than let me come up with my parents. I mean, Ms Brice had mentioned security clearance and something about my parents not getting it but it still felt weird.

“Great! It is run fairly similar to a school. You’ll be placed into houses, have to wear a uniform and will have classes every day with the rest of your cohorts but of course, the classes will be quite different from what you’re used to!”

I nodded again and the desperate urge to ask her for more details, like what classes would I be taking, threatened to overwhelm me.

“Anything else?” she asked. “Or shall I show you to your room?”

A fleeting sensation of anxiety fluttered in my stomach at the idea of being locked in a tiny box of a room and I wanted to ask more questions, anything to draw out the time before I had to go to the room.

I debated leaving the fantasy right then. The comforting dizziness crept towards me but I pushed it aside.

“I’m ready to go to my room,” I said.

Ms Brice smiled at me and I got the feeling that I had made the right choice.

“Great, follow me!”

She squeezed out of the chair and stood, starting past me towards the thin corridor on the other side of the bus.

I took a deep breath and steeled myself before following her. She didn't hesitate or look back, she just knew that I would follow her. There wasn’t anywhere else to go.

“We already have one recruit on the bus and I’d like for you to stay in your room until we get to the training facility and you hear the announcement asking you to come out to the hall. If you need anything, there is a button on your iPad that will open a communication channel to myself or one of the other members of staff on the bus. We will be bringing you food frequently but there is also some in your room if you would like to snack. Our records say that you are a vegetarian, is that still the case?” she asked.

I stared at her, taken aback and slightly scared by how much they knew about me.

“Um… yeah. I’m vegetarian,” I muttered.

“Great, do you have any other preferences or any allergies?”

“No, that’s it.”

“Fantastic!” Ms Brice said, finally stopping outside a door in the tight and claustrophobic corridor. “This is your room. It’s all pretty self-explanatory but if you do need anything, check the iPad and then if you still aren’t sure what to do next, feel free to ask me.”

I looked between her and the door before realising that she wasn't going to open it.

“Oh, great. Thank you,” I told her before glancing back at the door.

Ms Brice didn't reply, she just waited for me to go into the room.

I hesitated, looking at the door again before taking a deep breath and reaching for the handle. I wasn’t sure why I was so scared but the idea of seeing the room where I was going to be locked for the next day or two made me move slowly but I couldn't put it off any longer. I pushed down on the handle and let the door swing inwards.

I immediately felt stupid for being so anxious as I stared around the space that would be my bedroom for the next however many days. Although it was small and compact, it didn't feel too suffocating even after I stepped inside and let the door swing shut behind me.

It seemed to have everything I needed. A desk was built into the wall next to the door with a weird-looking seat in front of it. It was strangely low with peddles sticking out of the front part of it. It took me a minute to realise that it was probably the exercise bike that Ms Brice had mentioned before.

The desk was empty apart from a single iPad that sat in the centre, next to a notepad and pencil. I wasn't sure why I would need to take notes but that worried me. It made me think that there might be a test on the contents of the iPad at some point.

There was no bed. Or at least there was one, kind of. There was a sign on the wall that indicated it had been folded down into the floor to clear space. On the opposite wall, straight in front of the door, was another sign. I stepped forward, stumbling as the bus turned a corner and having to catch myself on the wall before staring up at the laminated sign.

It was instructions on how to make the toilet come out of the wall. According to the sign, if I pushed the button, they would appear in the room. There was a warning to make sure that the bed was down and out of the way before I did so and part of me wanted to see what would happen if I didn't do that. Would the toilet stop before it hit the bed or would it smash into it and break it?

I hesitated, looking at the button before stepping away. I didn't like the idea of going to the toilet on the bus. There were no cameras in the room that I could see but I still wasn’t comfortable with it. Plus, it felt strange to have a toilet in my bedroom. I didn't think I'd ever seen a toilet anywhere apart from the bathroom.

At least one of my suitcases was already in the room. It had been tucked into the far corner where the bed apparently rose from the floor and I found it strangely comforting to see but it also worries me. I had bought two suitcases and I wasn't sure what I had packed inside the blue one in front of me. I was pretty sure that all of my underwear was in one of the suitcases but, as I stared at it, I didn’t know if it was that one.

The bus rounded another corner and I stumbled again, this time into the desk. The pencil started to roll and my hand darted out to stop it from rolling off the desk. Gingerly, I sunk onto the chair and hooked my feet into the pedals before looking at the iPad in front of me.

It was attached to a strange bracket, I realised, which meant I could lift it and have it positioned in front of me rather than having to look down constantly.

I tapped the screen carefully, immediately worrying about what would happen if I were to break their iPad. Would they kick me off the bus? What if they no longer wanted me to be a spy once they found out how clumsy I was?

“Make sure to go straight up to bed when we get in so that you’ll be awake in time to say goodbye to your grandparents tomorrow morning,” my mom told me, her voice floating through my fantasy.

“Okay,” I said, barely hearing the words.

I could feel the car stopping and my hand reaching out to the door handle but I wasn’t paying enough attention. I just wanted to learn more about the school and what I was going to be learning.

The screen lit up and displayed a simple welcome message: Welcome Grace.

Again, it was unnerving. They were the government so I expected them to know a lot about me but I still didn't like how frequently they displayed that knowledge.

I tapped the screen, unsure what else to do, and it changed into an image of the school. It looked bigger than the picture from the brochure though, I was sure, and there were kids on the lawn. They were seated in small groups, most of them laughing happily, but that wasn’t what stole my attention. It was the archery range tucked to one side and the fleet of cars lining the front of the school.

I tapped on the screen again, hoping for more pictures or more information, but it disappeared, leaving the screen completely blank. Impatiently, I tapped again but this time, the screen slowly brightened and a woman walked across it. She was dressed in a flawlessly tailored suit, her smile radiant and the union jack pin on her lapel shining.

She looked directly into the camera, sending me a well-practiced smile, before beginning to talk.

“Hello and welcome! I’m Harriet and I’m going to walk you through what’s going to happen whilst you’re on the bus and once you get to one of our many training facilities but first, I don’t like to call them that! It sounds a little too formal and scary. For now, let’s just call them schools,” she said, shooting me another polished smile. “Sit back and don’t forget to pedal whilst I talk. If you need to pause it or go back because you missed anything, feel free to just tap on the screen and rewind it as much as you need to.”

She smiled again and started to walk, gesturing to the blank wall behind her.

I watched as it slowly morphed into what looked a lot like the room around me. So much so that I looked up and glanced around the small room before looking back at her.

“At the moment, you’re on one of our specially designed transport vehicles. I have a whole fleet of them and each one is specifically designed to make sure that you have everything you need as you travel. For your first trip, we ask that you don't leave the room because we don't want you to see anything that might mean you need to sign a confidentiality agreement but don’t worry, you’ll sign that soon enough which means all future trips will be a lot more comfortable!” she announced happily.

I found myself leaning forwards and wanting to know more but luckily, she began talking again.

“Everything in the room should be fairly self-explanatory but there are signs everywhere if you do need some help. If they aren't enough for you, or you prefer to learn using videos, you will have access to a whole library of videos once I finish talking to you through the introduction. And, once more, don’t forget to pedal!”

She paused and smiled at the camera again but it felt a little like she was waiting for something.

I started pedalling slowly and her smile grew unnervingly.

She walked across to the other side of the screen, standing in front of the door, before starting to speak again.

“During the journey, you will mostly have the opportunity to relax and learn about where you are going. There are a wide variety of topics with some giving just a general overview of the school and others going into much more detail. All of your meals and snacks will be provided for you in your room which means that three times a day, you will hear a knock at the door and a light will turn on here.” There was a pause as she gestured towards the top of the door.

The room around Harriet spun so that I could see what she was referring to better and a red light switched on above her door. I looked up immediately, my eyes searching for the light above my door. It was there, almost blending into the wall.

“When this is lit, we ask that you open the door. We will never open your door without your consent, unless we are concerned about you or your health. If you are asleep or using the bathroom when someone knocks, please do not worry. We will come back in about ten minutes!”

Harriet made a show of reaching towards the door and pretending to open it. On the green screen behind her, the door opened and a person appeared with a tray of food.

“Yum! Thank you!” she said.

The door closed again and she looked back at the camera.

It was a little unsettling to have her staring straight into the camera as she spoke. It made the video feel like a cheesy informational video, like the kind of thing we sometimes watched in school. Everything about it, from her mannerisms to her tone, felt over the top.

Even so, I was still interested in what she was saying. I yearned to know more.

“If you get hungry in between meals, that’s okay! If you open the bottom drawer of your desk, you’ll find a refrigerated cabinet that is refilled daily and is full of snacks,” she said.

I leant back, immediately pulling the drawer open and staring into it.

There was so much in there. Fruit, crisps, chocolate bars, even little pots of hummus and vegetables to dip. The sight made my mouth water but Harriet had already started speaking again.

“If you need anything else, feel free to press the button on your iPad that calls your escort. They will be able to provide you with anything you might want, within reason. There is also a water fountain built into the wall next to the toilet, right there.”

She waved a hand at the green screen behind her again and part of the wall lit up. I looked across just as the water dispenser built into my wall glowed too.

“Make sure you’re drinking enough!” she instructed in a friendly tone.

I looked between her and the glass bottle that waited in the dispenser. I was thirsty, I realised, but something was stopping me from actually wanting to get a drink. I think it was the knowledge that, if I did have something to drink, it meant that I will probably need to use the bathroom at some point and the only way I could do that was in my room. I wasn’t comfortable with that yet.

I wasn't sure that I would ever be comfortable with it.

“On your iPad, there is a lot for you to read about. Look through it in your own time and don’t feel like you need to get through everything during the journey. We are aware that everyone processes information at different speeds so, if you do not manage to read it all today or over your next few days, you will have access to this information once you arrive at the school.”

Once more, the picture behind her changed. It shifted from my room on the bus back to the image of the school.

But, this time, it wasn’t just an image. The union jack flying above the building rippled gently in the wind and the kids outside were moving. I could see them talking, their mouths moving but I couldn’t hear what they were saying at all.

“When you arrive at the school with the rest of your cohort, you will be shown to the induction wing. It’s a self-enclosed area with dorm rooms, a kitchen and dining hall and some classrooms. There is also a medical office there however don't be concerned. It is simply to make sure that you and the rest of the new intake a healthy and happy. We wouldn't want anything to happen to you or for you to be ill in any way. You would be surprised how often we get kids who have vitamin or mineral deficiencies!” she joked.

I felt a shudder wanting to tear through me at her words.

It made me hesitate. It worried me because it meant that they did blood tests on the new cohorts. What other tests would they run on us?

That thought alone was almost enough to make me slip away from my fantasy however I thought to stay. I didn't want to miss what I could learn about the facility I was going to. I knew that I would gain the knowledge anyway but I didn't want to risk it. Plus, I loved reading. I was excited to do so. I knew that a lot of words awaited me on the iPad, as soon as Harriet was finished with the introductory video.

She was taking so long though. It felt like she was saying a lot but not much of it was actually necessary. I could read about most of it or work it out some other way. I didn’t need her to slowly go through it all.

I was so tempted to see if I could fast forward through the video, just so that I could get to the next bit but I resisted. I was being too impatient and I knew it. I wedged my hands under my butt, hoping that it would help me resist the urge.

“Once at the school, you will be assigned to a dorm room with a few other people of the same gender as you. If you are not comfortable in that room for whatever reason, please speak to your escort who will accommodate your request. There, you will receive your schedule for the induction,” Harriet continued.

She wandered slowly across the screen, her pace leisurely and relaxed. The image behind her morphed slowly, turning into an exposed red brick corridor.

My eyes scanned the corridor, taking in the completely blank walls. There was nothing on there that gave anything away. No signs, no artwork, nothing. None of the doors even had nameplates.

“Obviously, you won't stay in the induction wing forever! It is only a temporary place whilst you complete the first few weeks at the school. It is designed to slowly introduce you to your life here so that you don't become too overwhelmed and you can learn how to function within the environment,” Harriet explained. “The induction wing is a lovely place complete with a large courtyard and all of the amenities you might need but most of your time there will be spent completing the testing! That may sound scary but I promise it’s not.”

She was right, it did sound scary.

Even the mention of it made my stomach tighten with fear. If I did badly during it, would they kick me out? Was that possible? Surely, not. I knew too much. I could tell everyone about the school and the child spies and everything.

I wouldn’t, of course. No one would believe me and it just felt wrong, but I could try.