Inescapable Escapism

I raced upstairs, pretending to be exhausted and wanting to get to bed early, just like my mom told me to, and dashed into the bathroom. I stripped quickly and stepped into the shower without really paying any attention. I was fully invested in the other world, fascinated and terrified by Harriet’s words.

“The testing will mostly just determine where your current level of education is. We are aware that you all come from different schools and different areas of the country so, it is likely that you will not all be in the same place and that is okay! It is completely normal for some people to be further ahead of further behind than others. The testing means that we will be able to place you in the right classroom with the right tutor to make sure that you get the attention and education that you require.”

That didn’t reassure me at all. I wanted to do well. It didn’t matter what the other kids knew or how they did. I just wanted to do well for myself.

And to prove to the people who had selected me that they had made the right choice, that I could truly excel.

“During this time, you’ll also have some physical and medical tests. Once more, this is just to make sure that you can be placed in the right class and that you are as healthy as possible,” Harriet explained. “Your weekly schedule will be quite intense whilst you’re in training and at first, you will not be approved for any missions, even the minor ones. During training, you will study a wide variety of subjects including…”

She trailed off and gestured to one side of the screen where a list of words appeared.

I scanned the subject, unable to focus on them fully. They just sounded so fascinating but, at the same time, they sounded similar to the lessons that Mitch wanted me to take. Worry washed through me and dizziness started to pull at my mind.

I blinked, trying to push the feelings away and focus on the subjects but they disappeared too quickly and Harriet clasped her hands in front of herself as she began to speak again.

“But, for now, please have a look through the information on this iPad at your own speed. You may see me from time to time if you decide to watch the videos rather than read but, if not, welcome to the school and I hope to run into you one day!”

She grinned at me one final before the image disappeared from the screen and was replaced by new symbols. Where the apps should have been, there were small images, emblems almost, with names like ‘History of the Department’, ‘Information about the school’ and ‘Introduction to Counterintelligence’ but most were greyed out.

A slight frown came over my face and I clicked on one of the greyed-out ones anyway, just to see what would happen. A small alert popped up with the message ‘Please complete all previous sections before attempting to access the information you have selected’. I clicked off it before trying to click on one of the other greyed-out images to see if they all have the same alert but they do.

A yawn briefly pulled me from my fantasy and I rolled, opening my eyes again. The new daydream was interesting, fascinating and exciting but it didn’t grip me the same way as the one with Mitch did. I wanted to be a spy, don’t get me wrong. It sounded so cool and fun but… I felt like I could leave the fantasy and I would never think about it again. At least with the other one, I felt like I was being pulled back to it. It felt more… natural.

But the new one felt forced. Like I was actively deciding that I wanted to fantasise instead of just spending another night staring blankly at the half-naked posters on the walls, hoping that sleep finds me soon but realistically knowing that it won’t. Still, it was better than nothing. And I guess I did want to know more about the school.

Closing my eyes and ignoring the faint breeze that tickled my cheeks, I returned to the fantasy. My finger hovered above the screen as I tried to work out which of the two non-greyed-out options that I could choose from. Information about the school was my initial thought but the other one, History of the Department, sounded more important. I wanted to know everything about where I was going but I felt like I should learn about the department first.

It didn’t matter, I had time. I was going to be on the bus for easily another day or so. I could start with learning about the department and then go from there.

I tapped on the History icon and Harriet appeared on the screen again. She looked a little different now, like this clip had been filmed on a different day, but she still stared right at me and smiled widely.

“I’m glad you want to learn more about our department because it is one of my favourite topics!” Harriet said enthusiastically. “It was first founded during the second world war when it became very evident that the country’s intelligence needs were rapidly evolving and that we no longer had the means to meet these. Our founder, Richard Brookman, met with Hugh Sinclair to discuss how they could address this.”

Harriet paused for just a moment as the screen behind her changed, showing two men, both in different coloured military uniforms, shaking hands and I found myself leaning forwards to examine the picture closer. They were in some kind of office or meeting room. It was probably a government one because there was a union jack flag hanging in the background and I had never seen one of those just in a building.

“Their initial aim was to work as a team to develop a place where cryptanalysts and highly trained specialist intelligence agents could work together however, this partnership didn’t last long. Soon, it became evident that the amount of personnel and work needed was too much for one single location. With the approval of Churchill, Brookman and Sinclair parted ways. Sinclair went on to found Bletchley Park whereas Brookman founded The Academy.”

Harriet paused and the screen behind her changed. A giant sprawling building took up the majority of the screen but I could just about make out tiny figures of people exercising on the front lawn.

The building looked different to the one in the brochures and previous videos but there was a similarity between them. I wasn’t sure what it was, maybe just that both buildings were a similar style? No, that felt wrong but there was something.

“Now, I know what you might be thinking,” Harriet said with a knowing smile. “This Academy is not where you’re heading. The Academy evolved over the years. Starting as a single school, it quickly expanded to other locations however the one you see behind me was our first. We still refer to it on the whole as the Academy even though ‘the Academies’ would be more fitting.”

Harriet chuckled softly at her own joke and I felt my lips tick up for a moment.

It wasn’t really a joke, definitely not deserving of any laughter, but I felt bad not reacting even if she couldn’t see my response.

“At first, the Academy recruited agents straight from university but it soon became clear that this was not the best use of our resources. Our department was aware that many other countries were using underaged officers, who were often mistreated and forced into the line of work, but England was not. Until, Mary Campbell, the acting head of the department, met with the prime minister to discuss this matter.”

The image behind Harriet changed again, now showing a man and a woman standing side by side and smiling into the camera. My gaze darted to the bottom of the screen, reading the label that told me the prime minister’s name was Edward Heath. He didn’t look that impressive. He looked old and frail, his hair dark and receding.

I think the fact that he was standing next to Mary Campbell didn’t help. She looked great. Her suit was similar to the one that Harriet wore but there was something about her that seemed to portray how smart she was. A spark in her eyes maybe? I wasn’t sure what it was but I immediately trusted her, which felt dangerous.

“The prime minister was reluctant at first, understandably. He was worried that the children who would be entrusted to the care of The Academy would be needlessly put at risk and that they wouldn’t be able to gather as much information as an adult might however, Campbell was able to convince him otherwise,” Harriet informed me before adding, “Of course, it did help that the unofficial talks with the Irish Republican Army delegates were so unsuccessful at the time meaning that Campbell was able to begin setting up the first child-only Academy before receiving complete approval. A potentially dangerous move but ultimately, it did pay off!”

Harriet gestured to the screen behind her and a short film began playing.

Mary, grinning triumphantly, was standing in front of the building, addressing the crowd. I couldn’t make out what she was saying, the sound was too garbled, but I could tell from her smile that she was thrilled. She swung one arm out to the side, welcoming someone. The man from before, Edward Heath, walked across the stage.

I wasn’t sure how long after the photo this video was taken but he looked much older. He looked drained, exhausted. The years of struggles and being in charge had clearly taken a toll on him physically and mentally.

He spoke briefly, the sound still not clear, and his hands gripped the sides of the podium as he stood. I wasn’t sure if he was just resting his hands on it or using it to stay standing but, I could see how tightly his fingers were clenched.

Before long, he stepped back and Mary returned to the podium. Finally, I could hear what she was saying.

“Thank you, Edward, for that moving speech. And with that, congratulations cohort, you are now ready to commence field operations!”

A loud cheer blared from the speakers, along with the national anthem, but I was barely paying attention. The camera had zoomed out to show the crowd. They were hugging the other people there, cheering and celebrating, but one thing hit me. Maybe I should have known or expected it but they were just so young. Some of them looked even younger than me.

“And that was the graduation ceremony of our very first underage cohort!” Harriet said, returning to the screen. “Wasn’t it perfect?”

She looked at me expectantly, like I was meant to answer her but I couldn’t move. It seemed so weird to see a bunch of children celebrating that they’d be able to go on missions now. It suddenly hit me how dangerous it was. We were being trained, I assumed, but we would still be putting ourselves at risk. I had no clue what the missions would be like but I had to assume they would be dangerous.

My mind immediately jumped to the worst-case scenario. Gunfire, jumping out of a plane, having someone lunge at me with a knife and even more terrifying situations flashed through my brain.

Part of me longed for that though.

“We don’t quite do it like that anymore though. The Academy realised that every student matures and learns at different speeds so one recruit might be ready for missions within the year, whilst another might not be ready for a couple of years. But, don’t you worry. You won’t be assigned any missions until both you and your tutors are sure that you will be safe and successful,” Harriet said.

Strangely, that did make me feel better. I wouldn’t be doing anything too risky or dangerous until I wanted to but… It was just a fantasy, right? I didn’t need to worry about danger. I’d be fine. I couldn’t really be hurt.

Harriet opened her mouth to continue talking but the video paused. Confusion washed over me and I tapped the screen, trying to unpause it, but a notification popped up.

“Please choose your meal?” I read aloud, under my breath.

I didn’t expect that I’d have a choice. I thought they would just bring me food and I’d have to eat it. It felt weird for me to have options. I clicked on the menu button and stared at the list of meals I could choose.

There was so much choice, almost too much. The giant couscous salad looked great but then there was also a risotto, a veggie burger, and a stir fry with tofu. They all sounded so good.

I didn’t know what to choose. I wasn’t used to that. Normally, when I went out for a meal, I had only a couple of options and generally, I only liked one or two but there were easily five options before me and I wanted to eat them all. For a moment, I debated ordering more than one but I pushed that thought aside. It felt wrong. Too selfish.

Chewing my lip, I clicked on the risotto, remembering the roasted vegetable one that Mitch had ordered what felt like months ago. That had smelt so good. The smile slowly slipped from my lips as my stomach sank and guilt started to worm its way into my heart again.

I swallowed hard and pushed it aside, trying to ignore the urge to check on Mitch. I couldn’t.

I confirmed my meal choice, expecting to be taken back to the video I was watching but instead, I had more choices. It was asking me which side dish I wanted and once more, I didn’t know but I clicked on the first one before I could overthink it too much. Sautéed spinach with pine nuts and crunchy chickpeas.

It sounded delicious.

Once again, even more options appeared, offering me dessert but I chose to skip it. I felt like there was already going to be so much food, I didn’t want to seem greedy.

I had just confirmed my meal when a creak came from the floorboard outside my room. My body tensed as my eyes opened and I stared at the ceiling, listening carefully.

The footsteps continued past my door, creeping along the hallway towards the stairs. It sounded like my mom but she didn’t sound angry or anything. I assumed she was just going to the bathroom but she’d moved past the room. Straining my ears, I heard her slip down the stairs before the heavy clunk of the front door opening sounded in the silent house.

Confusion washed through me and I glanced at the curtains. It was pretty much still dark outside, with hardly any light poking in through the gaps around the blinds, why would she be going outside?

Part of me wanted to get up to find out but I didn’t really want to. She was probably just going for a cigarette or something and I knew she’d be mad at me if she thought I was snooping so instead, I decided to just wait and see if she came back. Of course, she was going to come back. She wouldn’t just leave me with my grandparents.

I didn’t think so at least.

I didn’t want to risk going back into my fantasy and not hearing her come back which meant I had to just do nothing. I immediately got bored. I didn’t like doing nothing. If I don’t have something to think about or focus on, then my mind just jumps around randomly. It touches on topics for just a moment before moving on to the next one, sometimes halfway through a thought. It gets irritating.

My eyes started to feel heavy and I wasn’t sure if it was sleep or the fantasy that was pulling at me but something was. Probably sleep. It was early in the morning and I still hadn’t slept. I did need it and I knew that but I just couldn’t be bothered to sleep.

A soft noise echoed through the house and I held my breath, listening. For a moment, I didn’t hear anything but then the soft tread of my mom climbing the stairs sounded.

Relief washed through me, even though logically, I knew she was probably just going for a cigarette and I slipped back into the fantasy. I barely had a chance to realise what was going on before the light appeared above the door and a knock sounded. I rushed to unhook my feet from the pedals and stood, my legs feeling surprisingly weak.

How long had I been pedalling and how much time had passed since I left the fantasy? It felt like I hadn’t been on the bus for that long but I wasn't sure really. I must have been on it for a little while if they were already bringing food around. I hesitated, looking at the door and unsure whether they were waiting for me to open it just to say something. My hand stretched out towards the handle before I changes my mind and let it fall to my side.

“Come in,” I called but it sounded more like a question.

There was a slight pause before the door opened.

Ms Brice stood on the other side, a covered metal tray in her hands. The smell wafting off it made my mouth water even though I had only just eaten in real life. It was so rich, so delicious smelling. I could even smell fresh bread but I wasn’t sure how because we were on a bus. We hadn’t stopped anywhere and I couldn’t imagine that Ms Brice had made it.

“Hello, Grace. How are you?” she asked.

“Oh, I’m good, thank you,” I answered before quickly adding, “how are you?”

Her lips twitched up into a smile.

“I’m very well, thank you. How are you finding being in here?”

I hesitated.

“It’s alright,” I said.

It wasn’t quite a lie but I couldn’t bring myself to say that it was good.

Ms Brice seemed to understand though. She nodded slightly.

“That’s good. You’re not feeling too restless or bored?”

“No.”

“Fantastic. Well, I have your dinner here. Do you have any questions or is there anything you’d like to know?” she asked me.

I felt like the answer was yes. Everything I read just caused more and more interest, even if I still didn’t feel fully committed to the fantasy. I couldn’t think of a way to word the questions though. It was more just that I wanted information but I didn’t want to have to read through everything or watch any videos. I just wanted to have the knowledge already.

“I don’t think so,” I said slowly.

“Alright. Well, if you do think of anything, feel free to use the iPad to contact me. Here.”

She held the tray out for me and I took it, surprised by the sheer weight of it.

I thought that I’d be given plastic plates or something but, based on how heavy it was, it didn’t feel like it. I wanted to rip the cover off the tray and see what was inside but I felt weird doing that with Ms Brice still standing in the doorway. Plus, I knew what I had ordered but I wanted to see if it would actually be tasty or not.

I placed the tray awkwardly on my desk, sliding it underneath the iPad stand, and glanced back at the door.

“Once you’ve finished eating, please place the tray in the top drawer on the right-hand side and close it. We’ll come and collect it from the other side of the wall so it shouldn’t be too disruptive. If you don’t like the meal, just let me know and I can get you something else,” she said, stepping backwards out of the door. “And make sure you’re drinking enough water.”

With that, the door shut again, sealing me back into my tiny room but that time, I didn’t mind. I was already looking at the tray.

Even though I’d had dinner fairly recently, I was pretty sure that my stomach rumbled in real life as I sat back in my chair, my legs twinging in pain as I did, and lifted the lid. The smell intensified and I was hit in the face by the steam. Immediately, I knew that I had made the right choice. The risotto looked delicious and even the spinach looked great but my eyes found the bread roll first.

Tentatively, I reached out and touched it. It was still warm! I picked it up, ripping into it and slathered butter on before taking a bite. Finishing it quickly, I eyed the tomato risotto.

It looks perfectly creamy with juicy-looking roasted tomatoes nestled amongst the grains. It was even topped with fresh herbs and grated cheese. Scooping up a forkful, I shovelled it into my mouth letting out a content sigh. I didn’t know how they’d managed it because surely there wasn’t a kitchen on board the bus but it was absolutely perfect. It was better than some dishes I’d had in actual restaurants.

My gaze fell on the rest of my food, a smile growing on my face. If the food on the bus was that good, the food at the school must be incredible.