Inescapable Escapism

Confusion washed over me as I took the blue plastic wallet and opened it gingerly.

My exam papers were inside. Somehow, seeing them brought all of the memories back to me.

I could remember completing the exact paper in my hands, sitting in the hall with the rest of my class and scribbling frantically to get it finished in time. I only just managed and it hadn’t felt like enough. I wanted to finish, to do more even.

The questions had been weird. Unexpected and not really related to what we’d been learning. Some were about things like geography and science and stuff like that, sure, but others weren’t. Some asked us about our hobbies, if we’d ever been in trouble with the police, if we enjoyed exercising or had ever shot a gun.

I hadn’t, of course. I lived in England, guns weren’t legal here.

Well… if I answered the question now, I’d have a different answer. I had shot a gun. Mitch had thrust one at me and told me to just aim towards Sterling’s people and pull the trigger but I wasn’t sure if it had even hit someone. I hoped it hadn’t.

No.

I couldn’t tell people that I had fired a gun, maybe even killed someone, in my fantasies. No matter how real it felt, it wasn’t.

“That is your exam, is it not?” Ms Brice asked gently.

I nodded, unable to speak as my eyes scanned the paper and landed on the words written across the top of the page. It wasn’t my handwriting and I wasn’t sure if it was even Ms Brice’s. It didn’t look neat enough for the woman sitting in front of me but it could have been.

I knew it was silly. I didn’t trust them but the words written on my paper still made my heart flutter.

Excellent responses. Candidate selected for recruitment.

“Fantastic. Would you two mind giving us a moment alone with Grace?” Ms Brice asked, looking away from me for a moment. “I’d love to just talk it over with her and explain some of the things we’ve already explained to you both. It’ll give you two a chance to discuss it too.”

My mom stood immediately but my dad didn’t move.

“Can you not explain it with us here?” he demanded stubbornly.

“Of course, but I wouldn’t want you to get bored. Also, I want to give Grace the option to ask any questions that she might not feel comfortable asking in front of her parents,” Ms Brice replied with a polite smile.

“Stephen,” my mom muttered pointedly, cocking her head towards the door.

“I just don’t feel comfortable leaving Grace alone with two strangers,” he replied, his tone getting louder. “I mean, how do we know you’re even from the government like you claim?”

I looked at Ms Brice with wide eyes.

I wanted to know the answer to my dad’s question too but I didn’t want to risk the opportunity. What if they weren’t the people who had Anna? What if they were actually from the government and I had won a scholarship? Would I be able to go to some fancy school, like something out of a book, and pretend to be a whole different person? One not scarred by my mom.

“Oh, of course! We’ve not shown you any identification, I’m so sorry!” she said before reaching into her blazer pocket and pulling out a small leather wallet which she passed to my dad. “I do also have some documents here, signed off by the head of our department, regarding our scholarship offer for Grace. I’d love for you to review them and if you have any questions, I’d be happy to answer them.”

She reached into her briefcase again and took out a clear plastic folder, much thicker than the one she’d handed me, and passed it to my dad. He looked at her ID badge for a moment longer before nodding and handing it back, taking the folder instead.

“Okay,” he said softly, shooting me a look to make sure I was okay. “We’ll just be in the kitchen if you need anything.”

I smiled at him as he stood and walked past me into the kitchen.

“Wonderful! Do you mind shutting the door, Grace?” Ms Brice asked. “We have a lot to discuss.”

“We’ll be leaving tomorrow.”

The words managed to find their way into my fantasy and I ripped myself out of it just in time to catch the look on my mom’s face.

She looked utterly heartbroken.

“Oh?” she said to my grandmother. “Already?”

My grandmother simply speared another piece of lettuce with her fork, taking her time to chew it before saying, “Yes, I believe it’s time we go to the other house.”

I glanced at my mom, torn between being sad for her and so excited for them to leave so that the house wouldn’t constantly be tense and stressful.

“We’ve only just got here,” she said.

“Oh, don’t make a scene, Amanda,” my grandmother snapped. “We’re allowing you to stay in the house, you should be grateful, not moping around like a child.”

“Of course,” my mom muttered quietly but I could still see how sad and betrayed she was.

“You’re being ridiculous.”

My mom didn’t respond to her. She just slowly placed her cutlery down, a fake smile coming over her face.

“Excuse me. I’m just going to go to the bathroom,” she said, stepping away from the table before my grandmother could say anything else.

I watched her go, feeling so sorry for her, before looking back at my grandmother. She was watching me, waiting for my reaction. I think she wanted me to be sad or disappointed but I truly wasn't. I couldn't bring myself to feel bad about it. I just felt sorry for my mom. She tried so so hard but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

“What?” my grandmother demanded, still looking at me. “Don’t you have anything to say?”

She wanted me to be sad, she relished the reaction, but I refused to give it to her.

“Thank you for letting us stay at your house,” I said politely, already reaching out for my fantasy.

I didn’t need to see her response, I knew she was annoyed.

That made me happy.

My suitcases dug into my hands as I dragged them down the stairs. They felt light, like there wasn’t that much in there, but somehow they were still cutting into me. I think it was my injured hands. They weren’t even hurt in this fantasy, just real life, but they still stung.

I hadn’t known what to pack. I could vaguely remember deliberating over each item, not quite sure if I was ever making the right decision. Ms Brice had said that I didn’t really need to pack anything. Apparently, part of the scholarship would be allocated to my clothes and make-up and anything I might want but I hated the idea of that. I didn’t want to have to go to someone and ask them any time I needed something just like I did now with my mom. Even in a fantasy, the idea of relying on someone else made me uncomfortable.

Plus, the whole thing felt wrong. The fact that my parents were letting me go felt so… reckless. It was too good an offer, it felt like a trap, and I felt like in real life, my parents would have never let me go. Well, maybe they would. My mom would have loved to be able to boast about the scholarship to others. She would have told everyone that I had been chosen over hundreds, probably thousands, of other kids, all because of her.

My dad would have been reluctant though. He wouldn’t have trusted them as easily but he would have let me go eventually. He would have wanted to give me the chance to escape my mom even if he couldn’t.

I could hear my parents speaking to Ms Brice in the lounge as I continued down the stairs. The tone was light and I even heard her laugh but that did nothing to soothe the anxiety that was churning inside me. They must have heard me struggling down the stairs though because, before I even managed to get to the bottom, they were in the hall, looking at me.

“All ready to go?” Ms Brice asked with a wide smile.

“Yeah,” I replied a little uncertainly.

I was but also I didn’t want to go. I was scared. It was a fantasy, I could leave at any minute probably, but it still felt risky. I was pretty certain Ms Brice and Mr Parner weren’t the people who’d had Anna but still, it felt weird.

They were from the government though, that had to mean it was safe. They’d shown my parents their badges and they had copies of my test. That must mean they were official.

“Great! Mr Parner and I will take your bags and wait outside to give you and your parents some privacy to say goodbye,” Ms Brice said before smiling warmly and gesturing for me to hand over my suitcases.

I did, feeling a lump harden in my throat as I watched her and Mr Parner walk out the front door. They closed it behind them, leaving me in the silence of my house.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew that I needed to say goodbye to my parents, I probably wouldn’t see them again for a while, and even though it was just a fantasy, it still made me sad. Even though I didn’t particularly enjoy being at home, I still knew that I’d miss them.

Especially my dad.

It wasn’t his fault that things weren’t good in the house. I knew that he worked as much as he could to try and make things better so that my mom wouldn’t have to rely on her family so much for money and would be less angry because of that. Or maybe he just wanted to escape too. I would understand if he wanted to be away from my mom as much as possible. I did too.

That’s why I had to go. If I left, I’d have a chance to exist without her. To grow up without looking over my shoulder and constantly waiting for her to criticise me or mock me for just living my life. I could just… be happy.

“Are you sure you want to go, Gracie?” my dad asked softly, stepping towards me. “You don’t have to.”

“Stephen,” my mom hissed, sounding outraged. “They’re from the government. If they want Grace to go with them, she’s going with them!”

My dad’s eyes didn’t leave my face though.

“If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. I know the school is a good one, I googled it when they were talking to you, but you’re already doing well at your school. You don’t have to leave if you don’t feel ready,” he told me.

I hesitated, glancing between him and the door.

“I know,” I said finally. “I think I want to go.”

His expression didn’t change. He just stayed perfectly still, scrutinising my face.

“Are you sure?”

Not really.

“Yeah,” I nodded.

His shoulders sagged slightly.

“Okay. But if you get there and change your mind or you don’t like it or just want to come home, call me and I’ll be there as soon as I can. I don’t care what time it is, if you need anything, just call,” he told me.

My lips lifted into a smile but I felt my heart clench.

He didn’t want me to go.

“I will,” I promised.

My mom sighed loudly.

“For God’s sake. She’s not a child, she’ll be fine. Now, go, Grace. I don’t want you to keep those people waiting. Be polite and don’t let them down. They’re taking a chance with you, don’t disappoint them,” she warned me.

I swallowed and nodded unsurely.

“Good. Go on, they’re waiting for you,” she said, cocking her head towards the door.

I glanced at it uncertainly before looking at my dad.

“Right, I should probably…” I trailed off.

“You should probably come over here and give me a hug?” he said, finishing the sentence for me.

I laughed slightly and walked into his outstretched arms.

He held me tightly and I clutched him back, tears welling in my eyes.

I felt guilty, even though I knew that was silly. I just… I felt like I was letting him down. We were a team, we both helped the other deal with my mom, but now I was leaving him to handle her alone. I knew he could do it but I hated that I wasn’t going to be there for him.

I was worried. She normally came into my room after a fight with him but, without me there, what would happen? Would the fight just continue? Would things get worse between them?

What if she hit him? It had only happened once that I’d seen but I was scared it would happen again. He’d said it hadn’t hurt him but I was worried that it would next time.

“Stephen,” my mom said sharply. “Let’s not keep them waiting, I’m sure they have better things to do with their day than to wait for you to be finished hugging your daughter.”

My dad ignored her, squeezing me even tighten before pulling back and holding me by the shoulders.

“I mean it, Gracie. If you need anything, just call me, okay?” he said, looking into my eyes.

I blinked quickly, trying to clear the tears from my eyes, before nodding.

“I know. I love you, dad,” I said thickly.

“I love you too, sweetie.”

He let go of me and I stepped towards the door.

“Excuse me, do I not get a hug?” my mom demanded.

I turned stiffly and walked to her, giving her a quick hug.

She returned it perfunctorily, patting my back once before pulling away.

“Be good. Don’t get into any trouble or do anything stupid,” she said.

“Alright,” was all I had to say to her.

I moved away again, looking back at my dad and smiling sadly before pulling the front door open.

The bright sunlight blinded me for a moment but I raised a hand to shield my eyes so that I could focus on the bus in the driveway. Up close, it was even bigger than it had seemed from the window. It was taller than a normal bus, wider too. It looked like a cross between a camper van and a lorry but I barely had a chance to examine it properly before Ms Brice spoke.

I hadn’t even really noticed that she was standing next to it, I’d been too distracted by the bus itself.

“All ready to go?” she asked with a warm smile.

She seemed more comfortable now that we were out of my house. I understood that. I was too, even though my eyes were still damp with tears.

“Yes,” I said, returning the smile tightly.

“Wonderful! We’ve already put one of your suitcases into your room but if you want to board the bus and take a seat at the table, I’ll explain everything else whilst Mr Parner starts to take us towards our next recruit,” Ms Brice said as she stepped back and gestured towards the door of the bus.

I took a deep, slightly shaky, breath and climbed aboard, confused by her mention of my room. It was a bus, why would it have rooms?

I wasn’t sure what to expect really but even so, I was taken aback by the interior. Most of it had been blocked off by a wall with just a thin corridor stretching down the length of the bus. There was a small table on the raised platform behind the driver’s seat though, that’s where I assumed Ms Brice wanted me to sit.

I started towards it, climbing the steps and slipping onto the bench on the far side so that I could see out the front window at my dad who was waving at us. I lifted my hand just as Ms Brice sat down opposite me.

“So,” she started as we reversed out of my drive. “I’m excited to have you join us, Grace. I can already tell that you’re going to be a great addition to the team.”

I’d been too focused on my dad’s face and waving to him that I barely heard what she said.

I heard enough to mumble, “Me too.”

“Fantastic! Well, I’m sure you’re aware there’s more to our offer than what we told you back at the house. I wasn’t particularly comfortable disclosing more with your parents there as they didn’t pass the security screening but now we have more privacy. I want you to treat this with the utmost secrecy so it is very important that no one knows what I am about to tell you,” she said, her expression intent.

My gaze finally left my dad as we turned onto the road and I looked at Ms Brice suspiciously. Maybe I’d judged them wrong, maybe she was from the same organisation as the people who had Anna.

“Okay,” I said, knowing that she was waiting for an answer but not quite sure what else to say.

Once more, I found myself wishing for a weapon or something that I could use, even though I was sure that if they were the same people who had Anna, they’d be prepared. My eyes scanned our surroundings as subtly as possible, trying to find something that I could use but there was nothing. They didn’t even have an emergency hammer for the bus windows.

“Well, I’m sure this comes as no surprise to you, based on the test that you completed, but Mr Parner and I aren’t actually with the Department of Education.”

There was a pause and my eyes found the bus doors. We weren’t going particularly quickly and the side of the road was grassy. I could jump out if necessary and it would barely hurt or… I reached for that familiar faint dizziness, preparing myself to leave if I needed to.

“Who are you then? And why do you want me?” I asked, fear making my tone accusatory.

“We’re an offshoot of the Department of Counterintelligence. A highly specialist one that very few people know of.”

I felt my eyebrows draw together.

“The Department of Counterintelligence?” I repeated slowly. “What do they do?”

Ms Brice cocked her head to the side slightly.

“We protect and defend our country but we also train intelligence officers. Spies. That’s why we want you.”

I stared at her blankly, not quite sure that I understood what she’d said. It took my brain too long to work out what she had said.

“Spies? You want me to be a spy? I’m just a kid,” I said finally.

“I’m aware. That’s part of the reason we chose you. People don’t expect children to be spies and, with your bone structure and skin type, you look younger than your age and will continue to for quite some time,” she replied.

Confusion washed through me.

“What? So, you just want me because I look young?” I asked.

“No, no, no,” she was quick to say. “Your appearance is simply one factor but your answers on our tests were the main reason, not to mention your extracurricular activities.”

“Extracurricular?” I asked, taken aback.

I searched my memories quickly, trying to work out what she could be talking about, but I came up blank.

“Yes, your experience with self-defence, climbing and not to mention how skilfully you navigate the internet. How many books is it you’ve pirated illegally?” she asked, her expression curious.

I licked my lips, fear edging into my heart.

I did download books illegally, both in the fantasy and real life. They were easy to find and it meant I didn’t have to ask my mom for money. But, it was against the law and Ms Brice worked for the government. Was I in trouble?

“Not many,” I lied haltingly.

Ms Brice laughed and shook her head.

“Would you like to try that lie again?” she offered, slotting a pair of silver-rimmed glasses into place and pulling an iPad towards herself.

I hesitated.

“No.”

It wasn’t worth it, she already knew I was lying.

“Good, because I have your actual number here, if you’re interested?” she offered, looking at me over her glasses.

I nodded.

I did want to know even if the idea of her knowing scared me.

“Eighty-nine,” she said, sounding impressed more than anything.

I was speechless as I stared at her, waiting for her to judge me or condemn me in some way. After all, I had broken the law. Eighty-nine times, if Ms Brice was right. Surely, I would get in trouble for that. I felt like I should.

I started to open my mouth, not sure if I was going to apologise or think of an excuse but she interrupted my thoughts.

“You finished just over eighty percent of them too. That’s very good,” she said with a look that seems legitimately impressed.

“Oh… I…” I trailed off, not sure what to say. “Wait, I didn’t finish twenty percent of them?”

Immediately, I found myself thinking of the books that I had downloaded recently. How many of them had I not finished? Part of me wanted to sneak off to the bathroom and check. There were a couple, I knew that, but I was planning on finishing most of them.

“No. Apparently, there were… fifteen that you didn’t finish. Did they not appeal to you?” she asked.

There was something about her gaze that was a little unnerving. It seemed like she was actually listening to me, listening to me properly and she cared about the answer.

I didn't really like that. It felt like I was naked. She saw too much of me and I wasn't used to it.

It reminded me of Mitch, which made my stomach hurt with guilt. I wanted to go back to him… I couldn’t. Every time I thought about it, my face flushed again and I just wanted to run away.

“Um… no, I guess not,” I muttered finally.

“That’s understandable, not every book is for everyone but you gave them all a good try. That shows persistence. It’s part of the reason we chose you.”

“Grace, are you ready to leave?” my mom asked sharply.