Inescapable Escapism

They didn’t notice. Not a single person noticed my hands.

I felt bad for being annoyed that they hadn’t and I knew that was stupid but I still did. I didn’t think I wanted them to and before, I wouldn’t have, but I just wanted someone to care. It was better that way though. At least I wouldn’t get told off or mocked.

I carefully cut a piece of lettuce in half and speared it with my fork so that I could eat it delicately. The salad was good but I was starting to get bored of it already. I wanted to be able to order a veggie burger or the roast vegetable pasta that they did at the hotel but I didn’t have it in me to argue.

I was still exhausted. Emotionally drained. I couldn’t bring myself to really care that much about anything. Even the annoyance about them not noticing my hands was fleeting and then I just gave up.

I didn’t want to care. It made me feel bad because I knew that I had people somewhere else that did care but I couldn’t go back there and it was all my fault.

“Did you spend all day inside?” my grandmother asked my mom sharply.

“No, I went for a walk,” my mother lied.

I knew that she hadn’t, she’d just sat outside and hid from them.

My grandmother snorted.

“Not enough of one. No wonder you look so pale. It doesn’t suit you.”

I stared down at my salad, paying too much attention to it.

Dizziness started to play at the edge of my mind, tempting me to escape the painful meal and go somewhere else where I felt relaxed and happy. I couldn’t though. I wanted to escape but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to go back to Mitch and watch him slowly succumb to the black veins that were creeping outwards from his wound and stretching across his body.

I knew it wasn’t real but I couldn’t stop picturing him slowly dying, his face growing more and more pale and gaunt as the infection slowly killed him. Maybe I’d be there when he died. No, I would be. I couldn’t stop imagining it. He was lying in a hospital bed, his skin almost the same colour as the white sheets that were tucked high over his chest but he was still shivering.

No. It wasn’t real. I knew that, it was just my imagination.

I tried pushing it away but that made the dizziness worse though. I wanted to go back to that world, just to check and make sure that he was alive and okay but I couldn’t. I pushed the sensation away again, trying desperately to ignore it but it came back harder. Nauseous started to build in my stomach and my head span, making me feel like I was going to do something embarrassing like throw up or fall out of my chair.

I refused to give in though. I didn’t want to go back there. I pushed it away as strongly as I could, the mental effort making tiny beads of sweat burst on my forehead and upper lip. I clutched my cutlery as tightly as I could, trying to seize control of myself. The edge of the fork was cutting into my hand, hurting my already injured palms, but it helped. Somehow that pain helped me feel more in control.

My eyes darted around the room before focusing on my salad again. I wished that I could go to the bathroom rather than stay at the table but I knew that, if I stood up, I’d fall over. I must have looked ridiculous though but luckily, no one was even looking at me.

I let out a slow, tight breath, feeling the dizziness retreat slightly.

That’s when I noticed another sensation. There was something else waiting behind the dizziness. It was similar but not quite the same. Still dizzying and disorientating but it felt ever so slightly different.

It was another fantasy, another world. I wasn’t sure how I knew but I did. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I grabbed it immediately, tumbling into the new dizziness. It wasn’t until the vertigo was consuming me that I realised how reckless it was.

That girl from my fantasy on the way to Scotland, Anna, she’d warned me to be careful, to stick to worlds that I knew but I’d just jumped into a new place without even hesitating.

I’d been so desperate to escape that I didn't even think a stop to consider that I might be going somewhere dangerous. I slowly opened my eyes, trying to work out where I was.

It was familiar. I immediately knew that I was back home. My room looks exactly the same as it did in reality, which wasn’t really a surprise. I knew it was silly but I missed it. I missed the solitude of being at home. I was lonely there, of course, but at least when I was there, I’m actually alone. Somehow being surrounded by people made it feels much worse.

I always forgot how bad things were in Scotland before my grandparents left. I couldn't wait for them to go, even though we hadn't been with them for very long. Once they were gone, my mom and I would revert to how things always were there. We’d both exist in the same space but barely interacting.

It was different to being back home though, we would still interact sometimes but that wasn't too bad. It was more of a choice than when we were at home. We spend time together during meals or when we wanted to but not very often.

I couldn't wait for that. But until then, being at home in a fantasy was enough.

I sighed, looking around my room and relishing the silence. I could barely even hear the noise of the other people in the restaurant. There was nothing except… I could hear the helm of an engine, moving slowly closer.

I sat up, ignoring the slight dizziness that came with it, and slipped out of my room towards the window at the end of the hall. I peered down at my drive, spotting the bus that pulled onto it before ducking. I wasn't sure why but I didn't want the people on the bus to see me.

I waited for a moment before stretching upwards again, making sure to stay as out of sight as possible, and looking down at them. The bus had stopped and I ducked down again as the doors opened.

I’d only gotten a glimpse of the bus but that was enough to send my heart rate racing. It was huge and unmarked, as far as I could see. All of the windows apart from the one at the front were heavily shaded, meaning that I had only managed to see the driver.

I couldn’t move from where I was huddled on the floor, my ears straining to pick up any noise. For a moment, there was nothing but then the crunch of footsteps on gravel sounded. Someone, two people, had disembarked the bus and were walking towards my front door.

I needed to look again, even though fear gripped my heart with an icy fist, I needed to see who they were. I slowly rose again, my eyes finding the people.

There were a man and a woman, both smartly dressed in dark tailored suits. One of them, the woman, had a briefcase clutched in one hand an easy smile on her face. She said something to the man before looking directly up at me.

Her smile widened and I couldn’t move. I was frozen. I couldn’t do anything, not even breathe, and I expected her to do something, to bring out a gun or some kind of weapon, but her lips simply moved as she said something to the man again. His gaze found me as well and he shook his head.

Finally, they both looked away and I could move. I threw myself away from the window, rushing towards my room and slamming the door shut behind me. I knew that my mom was downstairs and that she would probably get annoyed at me for making noise but I didn't even care. I couldn't do anything but press myself against the door, my heart racing.

Who were those people? They looked too well dressed to be police officers or social workers but why had they brought a bus? That felt weird. How many people were on there? What if there was a whole group of heavily armed soldiers, waiting to attack?

I looked around my room frantically, not sure quite what I was looking for, but the doorbell rang and I froze once more. I had no weapon, nothing I could even use as one, and nowhere to run. I wasn't even sure why I wanted to run but I was terrified.

Duncan hovered at the back of my mind. His house wasn't far from mine and I knew that he would take me in and probably hide me. His parents weren't there at the moment. It was just him in the house. He would hide me there until it was safe. But if the people on the bus wanted me, they would stop at nothing to find me. Duncan wouldn't be safe.

A thought came to me out of nowhere. What if they were the people who had Anna? What if I was somehow back in that world and they had found me? I had to run.

Unsteady footsteps came from downstairs and I pulled my door open again. If it was them, if it was those people, my mom or whoever was going to the door would be at risk. I didn’t want her to get hurt.

I edged out into the corridor, trying to be as quiet as possible as I moved to the top of my stairs, listening as hard as I could.

The lock clunked loudly and I heard the door swing open.

“Can I help you?” my mom asked in a confused tone.

“Of course! Are you Grace’s mom? Mrs Baker?” a pleasant, warm voice asked.

I could tell that the woman was smiling but her tone sounded too professional, too rehearsed.

Panic rose in me. I needed to escape. I needed to run but I couldn’t just leave the fantasy. If I did, would I be leaving my mom in the hands of those people? She wasn’t even my mom, not really, but I still didn’t want to do it.

Part of me wanted to find the world with Anna in, if it wasn’t this one, even though I knew it was stupid. But if those people were at my door, they wouldn’t be with her so I could go and ask her what to do, how to escape. Dizziness started to wash over me before I realised just how stupid that was. I couldn’t go back to Anna. Even if some of the people weren’t with her, that didn’t mean that no one was.

“Yes, I’m her mother. Who are you?” my mother replied sharply, her tone much less polite sounding than the woman’s.

There was a slight slur to her words too. She was drunk.

That made my heart sink. I’d hoped that I was in a better world. One where my mom didn’t drink and hopefully didn’t hate me quite so openly, but now I knew it was probably just the same as the other one.

She wouldn’t help me fight against them or run away. She’d probably just watch me be taken.

“I’m Ms Brice. I was wondering if I could come in and talk to you about your daughter, Grace?”

I swallowed anxiously, wishing that I could edge down the stairs and… I wasn't sure. I wanted to run away but a crushing anxiety hit me. If I ran, what are they doing to my family?

“What’s she done now? Is she in trouble?” my mom demanded, her voice getting louder.

“No, no, not at all!” the woman said, her tone soothing. “It’s a good thing actually. Can we come in to discuss it?”

There was a pause before my mom sighed loudly.

“I guess. Come in.”

I listened carefully, holding my breath to make sure I didn't make any noise, as the sound of shuffling feet came from beneath me. I waited until they passed into the lounge before carefully stepping onto the first step.

I climbed slowly down the stairs, trying my best not to make any noise and skipping the step that always creaked, before hesitating in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs. I wasn't sure where to go. The house was laid out pretty much the same way as my house in real life which meant that I was completely exposed as I stood, contemplating my next move.

“Stephen, this is Mrs Brice,” I heard my mom say to my dad.

“Ms Brice,” the woman corrected politely. “And this is Mr Parner.”

“It’s nice to meet you both,” my dad said.

I glanced at the open door to the lounge before darting into the kitchen. That felt safer. If someone were to come in, I could pretend that I was just grabbing a drink and a snack or something. Plus, if things went badly, I could just run out the back door and I would be safe.

Well, not safe but maybe I could get to safety.

“They’re here to talk about Grace,” my mom said. “She’s done something.”

“She hasn’t,” Ms Brice said quickly. “We’re from the Department of Education and we’re here because we’ve been following her progress for some time.”

“Why?” my mom demanded.

I heard the clink of a bottle against glass as she poured herself another drink.

“She’s an incredibly intelligent young person. She’s exceeded all of the tests our service has provided and we’re thrilled with her results!” Ms Brice announced happily.

My eyebrows drew together.

I wouldn't exactly call myself intelligent. I did alright in school but never particularly well. Even in subjects that I was good at, I still didn’t do great. But her words sparked something in me. Almost a memory but more distant flashed through my mind. I did remember something. Tests. They were weird though, not the usual ones that I was used to. We had general knowledge tests, formal ones in the exam hall, intelligence testing, and a weird one where we could watch a video and write down every single risk we had seen. Some people hadn't taken it seriously but I had.

It had been strangely interesting and there were so many things that I noticed. A car driving too close to the pavement, the driver staring at the crowd out of the window rather than looking at the road. There was some suspicious exchange or handover happening in the bottom corner as well, I remembered that. I wasn't sure why we were doing it but I had kind of enjoyed it.

“Gracie did well?” my dad asked, his tone so hopeful.

“Very well! So well in fact that we’d like to offer her a scholarship,” the woman said.

Her words hung in the air, followed by silence.

“A scholarship? For where?” my mom said finally, sounding baffled.

“We offer scholarships to schools all around the country but we have a specific place in mind for Grace where we believe she will be nurtured and able to thrive,” Ms Brice explained, not actually answering the question. “It would put her in a great position to have the choice of any university she desires.”

Still not an answer.

I started to edge towards the back door.

“Where is the school? Would we need to move?” my dad asked.

“No, no, it’s a boarding school. We’d like to take her today but she’ll be able to visit during the holidays or whenever she likes! Here, we have some leaflets that will explain more about the school.”

There was a rustling of paper before I heard my dad speak again.

“You’d take her today? But the summer holidays have only just started.”

“Exactly,” Ms Brice said brightly. “It’s the perfect time for Grace to get settled in at the school and start to meet the other students before term starts again.”

There was another pause and anxiety flared within me.

I didn’t think they were the same people who had Anna. It felt like a different world but I wasn’t sure how I could tell, I just knew that something felt different. But maybe those people could travel through different worlds. Anna had said they were experimenting on her, maybe they’d learnt how to do it.

Even if they weren’t the people who had Anna, there was still something weird going on. It felt too… good.

And why would they need to take me today? That felt suspicious. I didn’t trust their reasoning. I could go with them next week or the week after and I’d still have plenty of time to get settled in. No, something else was going on.

“Can we talk it over with Grace?” I heard my dad ask. “See what she thinks of all of this?”

“Of course!” Ms Brice said. “I wouldn’t dream of not having her involved in this decision!”

“I’ll go get her,” my mom said before I heard the sound of papers being dropped on the table.

I scrambled away from the kitchen door, seizing a cup from the draining board and bringing it to my lips as if I had just finished drinking.

“Grace?” my mom called.

“I’m in here,” I said softly, trying to sound natural and not like I was eavesdropping. “I was just grabbing a drink. Who’s at the door?”

She walked into the room and I examined her quickly.

Her appearance was fairly similar to how my mom looked in real life but her hair was a little lighter, the bags under her eyes a little darker. She seemed more tired, tired of life and just in general.

“They’re from the government so be polite,” she hissed at me. “They want to speak to you.”

I swallowed and lowered my cup, placing it on the side again before nodding.

I glanced at the back door, quickly weighing up my options. I could run. I could make it out the door before my mom stopped me or said anything but it was risky. I had to go talk to them. I could always excuse myself to go to the bathroom and climb out the window if I needed to.

The thought made me smile a little. I wouldn’t have been considering escape routes before but Mitch had rubbed off on me.

“Run a comb through your hair or something,” my mom snapped quietly. “You look like you’ve been dragged through a bush!”

I looked around helplessly, not seeing a hairbrush anywhere, before slicking my hands over my hair. I knew it wouldn’t have helped much but it was better than nothing. My mom sighed loudly but I ignored her and walked into the lounge.

Ms Brice was sat in the armchair whilst the other person, Mr Palmer, stood near the television, watching silently. The briefcase Ms Brice had been carrying was propped against the chair next to her and leaflets were scattered on the coffee table.

I hovered uncertainly as my mom pushed past me and sank onto the sofa again. I really didn’t want to sit on the sofa too, it would barely fit the three of us, so I settled for standing awkwardly next to it.

“Hello, Grace. It’s lovely to meet you,” Ms Brice said with a genuine smile as she stood and held her hand out to me. “I’m Ms Brice.”

“Nice to meet you.”

I shook her hand and returned her smile before looking uncertainly at the other person.

He hadn’t spoken at all since they’d entered the house so it surprised me when he stepped forwards and said, “Mr Parner.”

“Nice to meet you too,” I said, grasping his hand.

“We’re here to talk to you about school. Do you remember the tests you did a couple of months ago?” Ms Brice asked.

“Yes,” I said, my eyes finding the leaflets on the table.

My mouth almost fell open. The school on the glossy cover was absolutely perfect. It almost looked more like a castle or a church than an actual school. There was even a ridiculously elaborate fountain on the front lawn.

What kind of school had a fountain? Mine would never. Kids would spit in it or worse.

“Fantastic! Well, I don’t know if your school explained the purpose of those tests?” Ms Brice continued and I had to tear my eyes away from the papers to look at her. “Would you like me to go over it and explain it to your parents?”

“Umm, yes, please. I think they just said that it was a new thing the government are trialling,” I said but it sounded more like a question.

My memories were murky but they were there somewhere beneath the surface.

Ms Brice’s face broke into a wide smile.

“That’s right! Last year, a study was conducted and published by our department which showed that there were a number of extremely intelligent and able young people who are not currently fulfilling their potential because of their schooling situation. Young people like you.”

I felt my face colour slightly as I looked at her and I felt everyone else in the room staring at me.

“I don’t know that I’m particularly intelligent or able,” I admitted finally.

The words were hard to say.

I didn’t want her to know the truth and to snatch the school away from me but I had to tell her. What if they’d mistaken me for someone else? Someone like Phoebe, who was much smarter and deserved this place more than I did, if she even existed in this fantasy. I hoped that she did.

Ms Brice reached into her briefcase and, after rummaging through the many papers in there, pulled out a blue plastic wallet. I leant forwards, wanting to know what she was looking at, as she examined it for a moment before holding it out to me.