Inescapable Escapism

I stared down at the clothes I had grabbed from my suitcase to change into after the shower. They looked wrong. I wasn’t sure what it was about them exactly that was wrong but something was. They made me seem… timid. Boring and not confident. Of course, I was all of those things but I didn’t have to be. Not here.

I needed to be better, more assertive and stronger. It would be easy, I didn’t have to deal with my mom and I was in a completely new situation so surely, it wouldn’t be that hard, right? No one here knew me, not really. I mean, obviously, Ms Brice knew me but she hardly counted. I wouldn’t exactly see her every day, would I?

I didn’t know but I was taking too long. That wasn’t right. Confident people didn’t spend hours in the bathroom scrutinising their outfits, they just got dressed and looked great. I could do that too, right?

I knew that I couldn’t but it didn’t matter. I got dressed quickly, glanced at my reflection and pulled the bathroom door open. Katie and Abbie looked up as I walked back into our dorm room and I forced myself to smile.

“How was your shower?” Katie asked. “I was so happy to be able to wash off all the dirt and grime after being on the bus for so long. Why didn’t they warn us that they were coming to collect us? I would have showered just before they arrived.”

“Right?” I replied. “That would have been so much better. Are you going now?”

Abbie jumped slightly at my question, looking up from the folder that lay open on her lap.

“Oh, yeah, sorry! I’ll go now!” she said, pushing it off her lap and standing quickly.

I walked over to my bed, glancing at the window again and feeling my smile grow. I tried to make it seem like I was relaxed and taking my time but I dropped onto my bed too soon and grabbed the folder that sat on my bedside table.

“That one’s yours,” Katie said. “I mean, obviously, it has your name on it but it was by Abbie’s bed at first.”

“Oh,” I replied, glancing up at her. “Did I take the wrong bed?”

My voice sounded a lot more anxious than I wanted it to.

“No, no, I doubt it really matters. When I arrived, they told me to just take any bed and I doubt they would have said that if it actually mattered, you know?”

I chewed on my lip before nodding.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“I should probably read my folder too, right? I was so exhausted yesterday that I didn’t get any further than just opening it,” Katie said with a laugh as she leaned back against the elaborately carved headboard and pulled the binder onto her lap. “Wow, this thing is thick. Do they expect us to read it all today?”

“I don’t know. Maybe, I don’t think we have anything else to do today, right?” I asked.

“No, Mr Schooler said we have today to just get settled. He’s the person who brought us here. Have you had a tour?”

“Kind of. Ms Brice showed us around but it was pretty quick.”

Katie’s face lit up.

“Awesome! Does that mean you can show me around? We didn’t have a chance to get one because of how late it was. Mr Schooler said that it would be disruptive but honestly, I was so tired that I just didn’t care.”

She laughed but I couldn’t bring myself to join in.

“Um… I can try? Our tour was really brief so I’m not sure if I’ll remember where everything is, to be honest,” I said, wincing at how uncertain I sounded.

Katie grinned and began flicking through the pages in her folder.

“Awesome! Oh, cool. There’s a map here so we’ll be able to find our way around even if you don’t remember,” she told me, pulling the map out and pouring over it. “Man, this place is bigger than I expected.”

“Oh, really? It did feel pretty big when we had the tour.”

I quickly flicked through the pages, the plastic wallets slick under my sweaty fingers, until I found the map. She was right, it was huge. I should have expected it, I’d already walked around it once, but the map made it look huge.

“Oh, the main school isn’t on here,” Katie sighed. “I guess that makes sense but… I want to see it!”

“Me too!”

“Right? I don’t want to wait until we pass the induction period, I wish we could go on a tour now.”

“We’re going on a tour?” Abbie asked quickly as she exited the bathroom, still towelling her hair.

She was looking between Katie and me worriedly and it took me a moment to realise that she was scared of being left behind. I understood that worry too well, I was scared about being excluded too.

“No, no,” I was quick to reassure her. “Katie was just saying that she wanted to go on a tour of the main school building already.”

Abbie watched us for a moment before letting a smile come over her face.

“That would be cool! I don’t think we get to see it until we’ve passed all of the tests and stuff, right?” she asked, looking at us for confirmation.

“No, I don’t think so,” I replied.

“What kind of testing do we need to do, do you think?” Katie asked, flicking through the pages.

“I think Ms Brice said that we needed to have medical exams, normal school exams and then also… what did she say? Oh, she said something like showing a determination for learning or something,” I replied, trying to remember exactly what she had said.

“A determination for learning? How do we show that?” Abbie asked me.

“I’m not sure.”

“Oh! Maybe that’s why we have classes whilst we’re in here? They want to see how we do and if we actually study and stuff, maybe?” Katie suggested.

“That would make sense,” I said.

I flicked back to the first page of the folder, staring down at my name. It was directly under the department name which made my stomach flutter and I wasn’t quite sure why. It just made things feel more real. I started to turn the page until I found the schedule, chewing my lip as I started to read it.

It was busy. It started at eight every morning, continuing until five or six every night. And there were doctor’s appointments and medical tests scattered about. Some of them had page numbers on, I realised before turning to the correct page and scanning the information. Some tests wanted me not to eat beforehand and gave a brief explanation of why but my eyes glossed over it too quickly.

I was starting to feel overwhelmed. It was too intense. Even though there were fun things in the timetable, like Climbing and Introduction to Firearms, it was just so much and that made me panic. What if I wasn’t capable of keeping up?

Abbie gasped, the noise cutting through my spiralling thoughts, and I looked up at her. She had moved over to my side of the room and was standing with the wardrobe door open, staring down at whatever was inside. Her body was blocking it so I couldn’t see.

“What is it?” I asked.

“It’s just…” she said, trailing off before reaching into the wardrobe.

I glanced at Katie as the clinking of glass sounded and Abbie turned back towards us, bottles and tubs in her hands.

“What’s that?” Katie asked.

“They stocked the wardrobe for us,” Abbie said quietly, still staring down at the stuff in her arms. “That one had my name on a card inside it and… they have a bunch of serum and hair oil and stuff… I’ve always wanted to try some of these but I never could at home.”

Katie’s mouth had fallen open as she took in what Abbie had said.

“I mean, they said that they’d supply everything for us but… I assumed that meant the essentials, like clothes and basic shampoo?” Katie said unsurely, looking at me.

I knew that I looked just as surprised and Katie quickly pushed herself off of the bed, starting towards her wardrobe. She pulled the door open and a delighted laugh came from her.

“What is it?” I asked, not wanting to get up just yet.

It felt too good to be true. I didn’t want to check my wardrobe because I was scared that it would be empty and then what? I wasn’t sure.

“They have everything!” Katie cried, pulling the stuff out and loading them into her arms. “There’s so much stuff here! There are even clothes! I mean… what is this? Oh! Grace, you have to check yours too!”

I hesitated, too worried about opening the doors and it being empty to move quickly. They were both looking at me expectantly though and something told me they wouldn’t wait. Plus, there had to be some reason why Abbie had found her wardrobe. She said there was a card with her name on it in her wardrobe so maybe there was one with my name in the other wardrobe and that’s why she went for the other wardrobe. What made sense, right?

I smiled as widely as I could and stood, trying to ignore my pounding heart as I walked across the room. I mean, I was just looking in a wardrobe, I wasn’t sure why that was making me so nervous but it really was. I was so scared about what I’d find or not find. I think it was the not knowing that made it worse. If I did know, I could prepare myself mentally. Because I didn’t… I just had to be scared.

The wooden handle felt smooth beneath my hand as I gripped it, letting myself take a deep breath, before pulling it open. A gasp slipped out of my lips.

“What is it? Do you have everything too?” I heard Katie ask but I couldn’t quite respond.

I don’t know why it made me feel quite so… unsteady. I mean, even in that world, my mom bought me the essentials. She got me hair oil, conditioner and stuff for my face but it never came freely or without something attached to it. There was always a comment about how maybe it would fix my disgustingly dry skin or hair or that perhaps now I’d have fewer breakouts, although I was pretty sure that was normal for teenagers and my skin wasn’t even that bad anyway.

But here… I was just given stuff. There were no comments, no judgements. It worried me, in a way. It made me expect that something was coming, something that would destroy my self-esteem or make me even more self-conscious. There was nothing to do that in the wardrobe though. Just everything I might need. And they were good brands too.

“Yeah,” I breathed, still not wanting to look away from the stuff.

It didn’t feel real. I reached out, touching one of the small glass bottles of serum with my finger. The bottle was solid and chill under my fingertips. It was real.

“Oh yay!” Katie squealed. “Did you see the clothes too?”

I had been so distracted by the bottles and tubs on the small shelf inside the wardrobe that I hadn’t even looked at anything else but I did now. My eyes scanned the hanging items before pulling the other door open. There was even more stuff on that side.

“Wow.”

“Right? There’s so much!” Katie cried happily. “Oh! We have uniforms, there’s a guide on the door.”

I looked at her in surprise.

I’m not sure why the idea of us wearing uniforms at the academy came as a shock to me. I mean, it was a school, technically. People wore uniforms in school. My eyes found the guide that she’d mentioned, several laminated pieces of paper on the inside of the wardrobe door.

“Oh, wow. So we can wear a dress with shorts under, a skirt with shorts under and a shirt, just shorts, trousers or leggings all with shirts. That’s… so many options. At my school, we just had to wear a skirt and a shirt. I wonder why it’s so different here,” Abbie said.

I stared at the options on the paper. She was right, there was a lot to choose from and it confused me too. I liked it, I thought, but it still seemed strange. It even had different styles of tops that we could choose from, button-down or polo shirts, and jumpers too. It seemed like we could just choose whatever we were most comfortable in but that made it harder for me. I didn’t know what I wanted to wear.

“This is great,” Katie said with a grin, pulling out one of the navy dresses and scrutinising it before thrusting it back into the wardrobe. “My old school uniform was so ugly but this one is cute!”

I started to rifle through the clothing too, examining them. She was right, they were surprisingly nice.

“Should we wear them now?” Abbie asked. “I mean, are we allowed to or do we have to wait until tomorrow when classes start officially?”

Part of me wanted to wear it now but I wasn’t sure. It made sense that we should wait but then, we were in the school now. Maybe they expected us to wear it.

“I’m wearing it now. I don’t want to wait!” Katie decided, pulling another dress out and throwing it over her arm.

I smiled at her excitement. If she wasn’t waiting, I didn’t have to either. It would make sense for us to wear the uniform and we probably wouldn’t get in trouble if we all were doing it, right?

It didn’t matter, Katie had pulled a pair of tights out of the drawers that were built into the wardrobe and marched towards the bathroom. I watched her go before turning back towards my clothes and trying to decide what to wear. My first thought had been the dress, obviously. I liked dresses, especially more recently for some reason, but I felt like I couldn’t wear that now. If I did, it would look like I was copying Katie and that felt wrong.

So, that left me with the shorts, leggings or the skirt. I glanced at Abbie out of the corner of my eyes, watching her for a minute. She had selected the leggings. That left me with the skirt or shorts.

Skirt, I decided before grabbing one and the rest of the clothes I needed quickly as Abbie walked over to her bed and dropped her clothes there. She started to get changed without hesitation and I hurried back to my bed, doing the same.

The clothes fit perfectly. It was a little strange but they were my size and they felt lovely on. The white button-down shirt that I’d chosen was slightly fitted so it didn’t make me feel shapeless and the pleated skirt flared out softly, falling to a few inches above my knees. Even the jumper was perfect. I preferred for my jumpers to be oversized, big enough that I could hide my hands in my sleeves, and, as I pulled it on, I let out a sigh. It was wonderful and so soft. It immediately made me feel more comfortable.

The bathroom door opened behind me just as I realised that I hadn’t grabbed any socks and I turned, starting to move back towards my wardrobe just in time to see Katie emerging. The dress fitted her perfectly, accentuating her long, lean body but she wasn’t looking at me, she was staring down at her arms with a frown on her face. My gaze followed hers and confusion washed over me.

Her pale arms were covered in bruises. The darkest one was around her forearm and the shape was strange. The main part of it was almost circular but four thick lines were radiating out from it.

“You look nice!” she said and I quickly looked away from the hand print-shaped mark.

“Thanks! So do you,” I replied.

She smiled and looked down at herself.

“Thank you. It feels weird to wear shorts under this though. Are you wearing them too?” she asked.

“Yeah, I wonder why we have to.”

“It says on the back of the door,” Abbie told us.

I turned towards her, seeing Katie do the same out of the corner of my eye.

“It does?”

Abbie looked between us.

“Yeah? You two didn’t read it?”

“Nope,” Katie said, moving past me and rooting around in her wardrobe. “Ah, there it is! I knew I saw one in here.”

She pulled a thick knitted cardigan on before glancing at the laminated papers again.

“Apparently, all of the classes here are hands-on and pretty active,” Abbie told me as Katie read silently. “They want us to be comfortable and not flash people which makes sense but is… worrying.”

My eyebrows pulled together and I looked at Katie in concern.

“How active are the classes?” I asked. “Like, are we going to be running around all the time?”

“I hope not, we’ll stink by the end of the day!” Katie replied, sounding horrified.

Abbie looked down at her schedule.

“I mean, we’re giving time to change and shower after PE so I don’t think it will be that bad, right?” she asked but she sounded unsure.

“Yeah, probably not,” I replied with much more confidence than I felt.

“I thought you were going to go for a run,” my mother’s snide voice abruptly interrupted my fantasy and pulled me back into reality. “Or did you decide to just sit around on your phone all day?”

Nausea gripped my stomach so tightly that it was almost hard to breathe. My hand tightened around my phone and I was so glad that I was already leaning back against the headboard because otherwise, I would have fallen over.

“I was,” I forced myself to say, hoping that she wouldn’t notice the sheen of sweat that I could feel gathering on my face. “Am. I was just letting my breakfast settle.”

My mom’s eyes narrowed.

“It’s almost one.”

I glanced at my phone in surprise. How long had I been daydreaming? It was almost past lunch time and now, hungry warred against my queasiness. I hadn’t even noticed how much time had passed, I had been too consumed by finally being at the academy.

“Oh. I guess I should probably go have some lunch then,” I said with a smile that felt weak. “I’ll go for a run this afternoon instead.”

She was still looking at me suspiciously.

“What were you doing up here?” she asked.

“Just reading a book,” I said with another glance at my phone to make sure.

I was on the same page that I’d been on the last time I’d stopped reading which made me think I’d just been staring at it blankly whilst in the fantasy. I was kind of glad. I didn’t want to miss anything, even though I’d read the book before.

“What are you reading?”

“Percy Jackson.”

Suspicion fluttered across her face.

“What’s it about?” she asked.

It sounded like a test. A challenge maybe. I think she expected me not to know or to have to make something up. She would probably google it later to make sure I was telling the truth. I wasn’t quite sure what to tell her though. I’d read the series before when I was younger, my dad had gotten it for me, but I loved it and had decided to reread it so I was just on the first book again. She just wanted a quick answer, she wouldn’t care too much about the details.

“Greek Gods,” I said. “And demigods.”

She looked almost interested for a moment before an eyebrow lifted.

“What kind of book is it?” she asked.

“Um… fantasy?” I replied unsurely.

“A children’s book?”

There was no correct answer and I knew that. If I said yes, she would judge me for it but if I said no, she’d tell me off for reading a book that was inappropriate for me and probably google it anyway and then I’d be in trouble for lying.

“Young adult,” I said, unsure if it actually was.

I think it was aimed at teenagers, at least. They were basically young adults, right?

Her lip curled up in a sneer.

“Of course. I’m going to go have lunch,” she said before turning and walking out of my room.

I didn’t move for a moment. I knew that she wanted me to follow her and go have food too but pretty much every part of me wanted me to refuse. It would be satisfying to ignore her and stay in my room so that she had to be alone down there. As I finished that thought, shame washed over me.

It was cruel, the kind of thing that she would think and I didn’t want to be like her. I had to be better, nicer. She was probably lonely and would just ignore me as we ate anyway so it wouldn’t be that bad. I could just ignore her too and disappear back into my fantasy where I was about to go explore the induction wing properly with the others. That would be nice.

My phone buzzed in my hand as I started to stand up, the nausea now gone.

I didn’t throw up! Duncan had texted me.

A smile came over my face as I replied, I’m so proud.