Inescapable Escapism

The dry leaves crunched under my feet as I ran through the forest. It was almost silent apart from the sound of my footsteps. I came to a stop, turning and looking around. There was something strangely beautiful about the barren trees. Ivy wrapped around some of them and a few stubborn leaves still clung to the branches. Not many though and every so often, one would lose its fight and fall to the floor.

The prickling sensation that I was being watched was still there. I’d forgotten about it until I was deep in the forest but it was there as soon as I stopped. I looked around quickly, my head whipping from side to side. I’m not sure what I was trying to do but I think my logic was, if I moved quickly enough, I’d spot whoever it was. There was nothing though. Or at least, nothing that I could see.

I looked around once more before starting to jog again, straining my ears to listen for any sounds that weren’t coming from me. Wind shook the tree branches and dried leaves skipped over each other, making goosebumps of fear erupt on my arm. I couldn’t work out if there was any other noise or if the quiet crunch of leaves were footsteps. They could have been.

I started running again, springing into action and moving as quickly as I could. I just needed to get out of there. Tears prickled my eyes as I ran, feeling terrified but also stupid. I was already embarrassed by myself and my paranoia. I’d run in those woods for years by myself and without any issues. Why was I being so ridiculous now?

Somewhere nearby, a tree branch snapped loudly and my heart began to race. There was someone there. Someone was near me, probably going to attack me or something. I pushed myself to move faster, barely paying attention to the path because I was too busy looking around for whoever had been the source of the noise. It was close to me, too close, I knew it.

My movements were reckless and stupid. I was doing exactly what I had done the last time I had gone for a run and my hands were still scabbed from it. If I continued how I was, I would probably fall again and it would be worse that time. Plus, if I did fall, whoever was following me would have a chance to attack.

I tried to slow down, to pay attention to where my feet were falling, but I couldn’t help it. There were too many noises. It felt like the sounds, the crunches of footsteps on dried leaves, were coming from all around me.

But then, something strange happened. I could feel something creeping into me, so slowly that I didn’t recognise it at first. Something was edging into my heart, making my breathing slower and my footsteps more steady. It was still reckless but I was no longer fleeing. I stood taller as I ran, my chin was held higher.

So what if someone is following me? Then what would happen? Someone would try and attack me? I’d fight them off. It would be easy. I slowed to a stop, my lip curling into a snarling smile as I turned slowly. I watched, listened, and waited for someone to step out from behind a tree. It was strange but I wanted them to. I wanted someone to appear so that I could throw myself at them, feel my fists smashing into their face and hear their surprise and pain.

They wouldn’t expect someone like me to be able to fight, no one ever did, but I was great. I’d done it before. Memories started to flit through my mind, places that I’d never been to, people that I’d never met but specifically remembered fighting. In one, someone had my shirt clenched in their fist. They were so distracted by whatever they were shouting at me that they almost didn’t see it coming. Well, they didn’t. They didn’t see my hand until it broke their nose.

I could still feel it now, I realised with a smile. I could feel the crunch of his face under my fist. It had felt so good to punch Geoffrey. He had really deserved it. I wasn’t quite sure why, that memory didn’t come to me, but I knew with all my heart that he did.

I knew that those memories weren’t me. Not fully. I held them, they were mine in a way, but the confidence, the competence, wasn’t me. I wasn’t sure that I had it in me to hit someone like that. That thought almost made me falter because I wasn’t sure if it was true or if I wanted it to be. I think I wanted to believe that I could have been like the girl in my memories who threw herself at that older boy so recklessly, so without fear, because she had finally had enough of how he was treating her little sister, but I wasn’t sure if I could have done that.

A sneaking thought in the back of my head told me that I could. It was one of my memories, something that my brain had invented and therefore, something that I was capable of. No, that’s not how that worked. Just because I could think it, didn’t mean that it was possible. I mean, I could imagine having wings that sprouted out of my back and being able to use them to fly through the air but it didn’t mean that it was possible.

Dizziness immediately tugged at my mind though, as if trying to tell me that it was something that I could do somewhere. Maybe in another world, I truly did have wings. Maybe everyone did. Or I was just special. Born that way or a failed lab experiment.

Either way, it felt so good to soar through the sky, the wing ruffling my feathers and tickling my face around my goggles. I didn’t need to wear them, of course. I’d evolved differently so my eyes were less sensitive to the wind but it was just easier to. I could see a little better with them on, you know? My eyesight was already great, better than most. Good enough to spot the many people, dressed all in black, who lined the road below me, their guns raised and ready to bring me down, uncaring that a fall from that height would probably shatter every single one of my hollow bones.

A shudder came over me and I looked around the forest again, suddenly realising where I was. I wasn’t somewhere high above Canada where I thought I’d been just moments before. I was alone in a forest in Scotland, being silly. A smile came over my face as I started jogging again. It felt different that time though. I wasn’t fleeing or running away from anything, I was just running for fun.

And I was enjoying it. The movement made me feel strong, powerful. It made me proud that my body was capable of moving so fast, so well. I’d trained it well, even if my training was inconsistent and lacklustre when I was at home. I started to reach out for the dizziness as I ran, not seeking it out to hide from anything but just to enjoy the experience.

A giggle tumbled from my mouth as I looked at Katie who was doing an exaggerated sneaking mime. Her steps were so silly, so over the top and her hands were held up in a strange position, making her look like a robber from an old movie or something. I wasn’t sure what it was but it was hilarious. Even Abbie was laughing, her hand clasped against her mouth to muffle the noise. A grin was stretched over Katie’s face, making her look even prettier. She was clearly enjoying entertaining us.

“Come on,” she said in a loud stage whisper as she gestured. “There’s a classroom down there!”

I looked in the direction that she’d pointed in. There was a door at the end of the room and immediately, I was intrigued. We weren’t really meant to be in that part of the induction wing, it had said so on the door. A sign, a poster, really, had been attached to the wall, warning us that we should proceed with caution.

Normally, I think that would have scared me but I just found it funny. I mean, it seemed so silly. There were just classrooms through the doors. Why would we need to exercise caution? So far, from what we had seen, there was just a computer room. Granted, it was more advanced than anything I had ever seen before, but still! It was nothing to be worried about.

I snuck across the corridor, mimicking Katie’s steps but making them even bigger and sillier. A grin came over my face as she giggled and pride shot through me. I had done that, I had made her laugh. She was laughing not at me but because of something I was doing.

It just made me happy. I’d made Phoebe laugh before, obviously, Duncan too, but Katie was so pretty and popular, it felt different. Like more of an achievement. Plus, both she and Abbie knew me less so it would be harder for me to entertain them. I wasn’t sure if that logic made sense but I felt like it did.

I peered through the glass panel on the door, feeling my eyes widen.

“Oh wow,” I breathed.

“What?” Katie asked, from behind me but I couldn’t look away.

I felt her sneak up next to me, staring through the window.

“What is it?” Abbie asked, trying to look around us but we were blocking the view.

“Do you think…” Katie started, looking between me and the classroom.

I wanted to say that we shouldn’t, that it wasn’t safe to go sneaking around or actually enter the classroom, but I was still feeling too confident. It was coursing through me.

“I mean… it wouldn’t hurt to take a closer look.”

Katie’s grin grew and I stepped out of the way as she reached for the handle. I waited for Abbie to go first, wanting to see her reaction to what lay beyond. She looked at me worriedly before looking away and stepping into the room with wide eyes.

I followed, staring around the dimly lit room as excitement built within me. Every wall of the room I was in was different and they stretched up higher than the rest of the rooms in the wing, clearly taking up two floors. I turned, wanting to see everything.

The wall at the back looked like it was the easiest. It was flat and covered in neon-coloured grips which made me immediately want to try to climb it but I was distracted by the other walls. The one on the left looked the hardest to navigate. It had no grips but instead, was made of realistic-looking rock. There were still bulges and cracks that it would be possible to hang on to but it protruded out into the room meaning that whoever was climbing it would either have to dangle or… I really didn’t know. I’d never climbed anything like that before but I wanted to.

“This is so cool,” Katie cried as she walked over the padded mats that lined the floor, softening the falls. “Do you think we can climb them now?”

She looked at me, as if I would have an answer.

I glanced at the back wall again, eyeing the ropes that were clipped to each of the walls. I knew nothing about rock climbing. I could only remember going once or maybe twice in my life but I was pretty sure they would be attached to a harness of some kind and, looking around, I couldn’t see any. It wouldn’t be safe to climb without one but…

I didn’t really want to say no. We were having fun and I didn’t want to be the person who ruined it, that would be horrible. Luckily, I didn’t have to.

“I think we’ll get in trouble if we do,” Abbie said. “Climbing walls can be dangerous, I know someone who broke an arm falling off one.”

Katie’s eyes widened and she turned to Abbie in surprise.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I saw it, it was so gross. Their bone just snapped and was sticking out of their skin…” She trailed off, looking between us with a worried expression.

She was scared she had said something wrong, I realised. I felt that way sometimes when I was talking to new people who I wanted to like me.

“Eww,” I said with a laugh, trying to set her at ease. “And you saw it?”

The fear melted off of her face, being replaced with a smile.

“Yeah, it was so gross! There was blood everywhere!”

“That’s so nasty!” Katie giggled.

I smiled, feeling proud of myself. I liked that I could stop her from being worried, that made me feel… powerful. It made me feel like I was a good person but that sensation didn’t last long. It was chased away by something, a certainty that it was wrong. I wasn’t a good person, I knew that. I was just selfish.

“Shall we keep exploring? If they have a climbing wall back here, I wonder what else they have,” Katie said, starting back towards the door.

“Sure!” I replied quickly.

Abbie joined us and we continued down the corridor, peering into the darkened classrooms through the windows. It occurred to me that I could have just turned the lights on, we passed many switches, but I didn’t really want to. The darkness was more fun. All of the classrooms had windows at the back of them. They were covered with plastic too so I couldn’t see anything through them but they let in a lot of light.

That was the only source of illumination in the corridor apart from the glowing green emergency lights which pointed us in the other direction. It made me feel like I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing. Like we shouldn’t be in the corridor and that made me grin. I felt like a rebel, as if I was doing something wrong even though no one had really said we shouldn’t be there, just that we needed to be careful.

“What do you think is in this room?” Katie asked.

I stopped and turned back towards her. She was standing outside a door, staring into it. I peered around her, making sure to leave space for Abbie to be able to see in this time too.

It just looked like a fairly normal room at first but then I noticed the lockers on the wall and realised how much I’d missed. I reached for the handle, opening the door and stepping inside.

“Is this… a gun range? I’ve only seen those on TV,” Abbie whispered, edging into the room behind me.

She was right, I was sure. There were big lockers on the back wall, secured with scary-looking padlocks and keypads but that’s not what I was focusing on. I had started towards one of the lanes, staring at the paper target in the distance. It felt too far away. I had no clue how anyone would be able to aim that well from so far.

Mitch had managed it though. He’d been able to pick off Sterling’s people from an even greater distance and he’d done it without any real difficulty. I hadn’t appreciated how impressive that was but now, as I stood at the end of the lane, staring down at the target in the distance, I was hit by how skilled he was. I shouldn’t have been surprised, he seemed to be good at everything. He had to be, really. He’d have died by now if not.

He might have died anyway.

“Is that…” Katie started. “Did someone shoot that?”

I squinted at the target, unsure what she meant for a moment, before seeing the dots on the head and over the heart.

“I think so. Is there a way to bring it closer?” I asked, glancing up at the mechanism above me.

With a loud clang, it started moving. I looked around, spotting Katie who stood next to me, her finger still pressing the button on the panel between the lanes. She shrugged when she noticed me looking at her.

“It either controlled that lane or this one,” she explained, nodding towards the lane next to us.

It made sense really and I felt a little stupid for not thinking to look for a button but that disappeared as the target approached. It came to a stop just in front of us, so close I could have reached out and grabbed the swaying paper if I wanted to. I didn’t, I just stared at it in awe.

Whoever had shot it was incredible. There wasn’t just a single bullet hole in the centre of the forehead and chest, there were many but they were clustered together so tightly. They must have amazing aim.

Maybe I’d learn to shoot like that at the Academy too. I hoped so.

“Who do you think did that?” Abbie asked, reaching out to touch the hole in the chest with a shaking hand.

“I don’t know. It could be an old one. Left over from the last cohort,” Katie said.

She sounded scared, I realised, glancing at her and then at Abbie. They both looked terrified. They were eyeing the target like it might come alive and murder them.

It took me a minute to realise that they were probably scared of guns, like I was before the world with Mitch. It made sense. We never had to see them and had no experience with them but being in his world changed my thoughts surrounding them too much. I had gotten used to guns, had shot them even. I wasn’t scared like the others were and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

“We should leave,” Katie said after a moment, finally ripping her gaze away from the target.

“Yeah,” Abbie replied immediately, backing away. “I feel like we shouldn’t be in here. Ever.”

I nodded but I couldn’t help glancing at the lockers at the back of the room as we left. Part of me was excited for when we’d get to shoot. I wanted to be as good as whoever had left the target there.

“Where do you two want to go?” Katie asked, once we were back in the corridor.

She immediately turned and started walking back in the direction we had come, away from the rest of the classrooms that we had yet to explore. It felt like it was intentional. I think the shooting range had scared her, Abbie too. They didn’t want to see anything else, they needed something safe.

Luckily, my stomach chose that exact moment to grumble loudly, making Katie laugh.

“Are you hungry?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I replied, realising just how hungry I actually was.

I shouldn’t have been. I had eaten in the real world but not in that one. I’d not had anything since being on the bus and I wasn’t sure how long ago that was.

“Awesome! I’m pretty sure there’s a kitchen or something here, right?” Katie asked, looking between Abbie and me.

“I think so,” I said, knowing that we walked past one at some point in the tour with Ms Brice but I couldn’t remember where.

“There was,” Abbie confirmed. “It was back in the main part.”

“Good, I’m starving too. I wonder what the food like is here,” she said.

“I bet it’s good,” I replied. “The stuff we had on the bus was really nice.”

“Oh really?” Katie asked. “Same, actually! I was surprised. I thought it would be really bland and tasteless, you know? Wait, which way do we go here?”

I stopped as we came to a junction, looking in both directions. They looked the same and neither had any signs.

“I’m not sure,” I replied before sniffing.

I could smell something. Food. I wasn’t sure where it was coming from but it was somewhere nearby.

“I think this way?” Abbie said uncertainly, looking down the hall to the left.

Katie glanced at me and I nodded before starting down the corridor. The smell of food became steadily stronger as we walked and it made me want to move faster. Someone had made a fried breakfast, I was sure of it. I didn’t even eat bacon but the smell of it was still delicious and made my mouth water.

We arrived at the kitchen door in no time and Katie pushed it open without hesitation. I didn’t have the same confidence that she did though, even if I had been pretending that I did. I knew that there were people in the room, the rest of my cohort, and that scared me. But I couldn’t stay out in the corridor forever. That was weak and I refused to be like that. Sending Abbie, who hovered beside me, a smile, I pushed the door open and stepped into the fragrant, busy room beyond.

Noise hit me immediately. The room was full of people, all chatting. Some looked up at us as we entered but most continued talking. I swallowed, trying to push my anxiety aside as I followed Katie over to the far side of the room. A long table had been set up there with a row of silver heated cloches on it and each one had a small label in front of it that said what the dish was and if it was vegetarian or vegan.

That made me happy, even though the noise behind me was making me anxious. There were too many people and they were too loud. It was scary and overwhelming and I didn’t know what to do. I felt on edge, like something was about to happen at any minute. I wasn’t sure what though. Maybe, I would just have to talk to someone and that seemed terrifying.

I was faking being popular and comfortable around others but that’s all it was. Fake. I didn’t know how to do it around more people, I wasn’t used to it. Katie seemed to be though, I realised, watching her out of the corner of my eye as she grabbed a plate from the pile and started loading food onto it.

Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to lower my shoulders and stand up straight. I forced a slight smile onto my face as I reached out for a plate, barely paying attention to what I was grabbing, just seeing enough to make sure that everything I selected was vegetarian.

Katie waited for Abbie and me to be done before starting towards the long rectangular table where everyone sat. I stared at my plate as I walked towards it, hoping that Katie would choose a seat that was not in the centre where it was far too loud. Relief washed through me as she sat down right at the end, glancing at the people sitting nearest cautiously.

I sat on the opposite side of the table, facing Katie, as Abbie chose the seat beside me, and started to eat. My eyes were fixed on my plate but I could feel someone looking at me. Curiosity got the better of me and I couldn’t help but look up at the boy.

He smiled before looking away, seemingly embarrassed and I forced myself not to look at him for too long but it was hard. There was something about him. He was cute, obviously, but it was more than that. He looked familiar. Maybe it was his face shape? It was kind of chiselled but softened when he smiled. His hair, perhaps? It wasn’t particularly notable, light brown and a style that half the boys in my school had, even…

Oh. He looked like Duncan.