I Can Hear the Saint’s Inner Thoughts

57 – Why Does Life Fall Into a Deep Sleep (4)

“Let’s stop seeing each other now.”

I announced the end of our contract relationship to Victoria.

From the start, I said I’d be her fake lover until the Succubus Queen, Bellamora, was defeated, and now there’s a reason why we can’t keep this up.

“Why… why?”

Victoria bit her lower lip hard and, with a face as white as a sheet, asked me again. It seemed like she didn’t understand why I was doing this, given her position.

– Rejected. Rejected. Rejected… Why? I thought Astar-nim liked me too…?

Victoria’s inner thoughts were swirling with voices full of despair. But she was asking me for a reason, her eyes welling up with tears.

“……”

Instead of answering, I remained silent.

Firstly, I’d ended up becoming someone living on borrowed time, on Victoria’s behalf.

I took on all the side effects of that miracle, of my whole body turning into flowers, so it wouldn’t be strange if I died tomorrow.

‘…This was the only way to save you.’

I gritted my teeth, swallowing the words I wanted to say to Victoria. The reason I tried to kill myself by drowning was because I didn’t want her to see me die.

Corpses decompose quickly in water, so I thought they wouldn’t be able to identify my body even after a little time passed.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think I can answer your feelings yet.”

“Why can’t you answer them? My feelings for you are so great and so earnest…”

– I don’t care if you hate me. I’ll just like you even more.

Victoria’s inner thoughts and words felt like a sharp skewer digging into my heart, so painful. Every single word she spoke felt like it was tightening around my neck.

“…I don’t think I’m ready yet.”

I managed to choke out the bitter words, gently stroking Victoria’s hair. I pushed the strands, wet and clinging to her cheek, aside.

“You can meet someone better than me.”

The second reason was that I’d come to like Victoria more than I ever imagined.

I almost died just taking down one of the Four Heavenly Kings, and if she lost her life at the hands of the Demon King, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for the rest of my life.

I might lose my life in the next battle, and I didn’t want to leave any room for regrets.

At the very least, I wanted to accept Victoria’s feelings after I killed the Demon King and everything had become peaceful.

“…Are you, by any chance, a homos*xual?”

“No.”

“Then, do you perhaps like someone else? You’re not impotent, are you?”

“I don’t.”

Victoria, hearing my excuses, continued to question me, her face looking like she was about to burst into tears.

She asked why I was rejecting her confession when I didn’t like someone else and had no other reason.

“Then why… why are you pushing me away? Don’t you know that such clumsy kindness is even more hurtful to the other person…!”

– You’re the worst kind of man. Someone who knows the other person’s feelings and heartlessly tramples them….

Victoria trembled, weakly hitting my chest with both hands. It seemed to be relieving the frustration inside her, so I decided to just let her.

– Would the result have been different if I had been a little kinder to you, if I had known your past and comforted you sooner?

Victoria was regretting it in her heart. She was thinking that if she hadn’t said such harsh words, if she had revealed her true feelings a little more, things wouldn’t have turned out like this.

“I’m sorry. I’ll do better. So please, just don’t say we should break up…. No, at least let me have a month to sort out my feelings….”

Victoria was sobbing, tears streaming down her face. Seeing how her words were gradually weakening, it seemed she had realized that she couldn’t hold onto my heart.

Like a rain-soaked puppy, she was pathetic and miserable. A complete opposite of her usual playful, confident self.

“If you push me away, it feels like a knife is twisting in my heart. Your every kind word feels like it’s choking me to death…”

“…I’m sorry.”

I held Victoria tight, trying to comfort her. It was the last favor I could do for her.

Our relationship, exhausted from fighting, from fighting like hell, was ending in the worst possible way.

“I love you. I love you…”

– I love you…

The night rain falling from the sky just then, hid the tears flowing from mine and Victoria’s eyes.

It was then, when the bonfire that had been illuminating us went out, and complete darkness descended.

“…Don’t tell me, you’re transferring all the flowers from my body, and you don’t have much time left to live? Is that why you were trying to make me hate you?”

Victoria slowly stared at the faint floral scent coming from my body, and my condition visible in the darkness, and then, like someone who’d realized something, she let out a dry breath.

Up until now, because I kept rejecting her confession, she’d been too distraught to bring it up properly.

“Please, just answer me. With your body turning into flowers that much, there’s no way you’re okay…!”

“……”

“I wouldn’t have cared if I died, as long as I could save you…! So why did you do something so stupid…!”

I felt the same way as Victoria.

I didn’t care if I died, as long as I could save her.

But I couldn’t easily speak those words.

“…I had no choice.”

I’ve seen it too many times in this world, people saying everything will be alright, and then one of them dying.

Because I already knew, down to my bones, how much pain reckless words and lost love could cause.

“I’ll talk to the Heavenly God as much as I can. I’ll make any sacrifice to save you… Please, don’t leave my side…”

Victoria gripped my hand back with small, trembling fingers. I could clearly feel the chill that had settled into her skin from the rain.

“I won’t curse at you anymore, I won’t insult you with harsh words, I won’t tease you either…”

Victoria couldn’t even look me in the eye properly now. Her eyelids were even twitching slightly, like she was in shock.

“…Just one more chance, just give me one more chance. I’ll make you like me, I promise.”

Even then, Victoria swallowed back her tears, stubbornly pushing forward with her will.

“Victoria…”

“…Don’t answer. I already noticed that you were trying to make me hate you on purpose. Don’t make me feel any more miserable than I already do.”

The moment Victoria tried to say something to me, she pressed her lips against mine, silencing me with a deep kiss.

*Smack,* *Smack…* *Chuup…♡*

Victoria poured all the depth and heat of her love into the kiss, slipping her tongue into my mouth.

– I love you, I love you, and if you can’t believe my love, then I have no choice but to carve it into you like this…

Her inner thoughts, even after being rejected once, were instead showing a bolder side.

“…Because I’ve already done this kind of thing to you before. I’ll just take it as paying for my sins.”

Victoria said those words and slipped the cosmos ring onto my ring finger, forcing a smile as if to say she was okay.

“So, just think about how you’re going to love me from now on. I’m going to scold you every time you say you regret it later.”

Then, Victoria hugged me tightly again, even going so far as to press and rub her chest against me in a seductive way.

“From now on, I’m going to make the love you feel for me bigger than the hatred you have for yourself. So brace yourself.”

Victoria even briefly dropped her usual formal speech, kissing my cheek again and smiling.

* * *

“…Did you two fight or something while I was gone?”

That was the first thing Kyle said to me when he got back.

“What makes you think that?”

It was a guilty thing to say, but I tried to play dumb as much as possible. I felt like if I brought this up properly, I’d get a serious earful from him.

“First of all, all the flowers blooming on Victoria’s body are gone, and most of them have moved onto you, haven’t they?”

Kyle propped his chin up with his hand, slowly scrutinizing me from head to toe. I tried to hide the flowers as much as possible with my robe, but it must not have been enough.

“So what? It could just happen, you know?”

“Second, don’t you think it’s weird that Victoria hasn’t been snacking at all lately? We used to go out to buy stuff to eat together every time…”

Kyle looked at me with narrowed eyes as he spoke.

“…Now she doesn’t even do that anymore, does she? Like someone who’s troubled.”

“……”

There wasn’t a single lie in Kyle’s words. Victoria had been getting thinner and thinner every day since I rejected her confession.

She stopped looking for her favorite restaurants that she loved so much, and water and food started to be left on the table.

The frequency of her smiles increased, but they felt awkward.

It was such a small change that others wouldn’t notice it, but to me, who rejected her confession, it was all too clear.

“Of course, seeing you guys kiss and her trying to link arms all the time… it doesn’t seem like her feelings have cooled down…”

Kyle spoke to me like something was bothering him. This moment, when Victoria was briefly away, was the only time we had to have such a serious conversation.

Normally, she’s even scared of me going to the bathroom, and grabs my arm tightly, refusing to let go.

“…I’ll try talking to Victoria about it.”

I sighed heavily, answering Kyle’s concern.

Because after midnight tonight, the pain nullification magic would wear off, and my life would truly be on the line.

There were times when I couldn’t breathe properly, or almost lost my balance and collapsed, and Victoria barely managed to help me.

“Yeah, when you collapsed, Victoria was so worried about you. She kept crying and wouldn’t leave your side, stayed up for like three or four days and nights.”

“…….”

“Even though she played nasty pranks on you before and acted like she hated you… I think you should reciprocate the feelings of someone who likes you.”

Kyle seemed to see right through me, patting my shoulder as he cheered me on.

“You don’t hate Victoria either, do you?”

I couldn’t answer Kyle’s question properly.

If I acknowledged these feelings, it felt like I wouldn’t be able to reject her love anymore.

* * *

After ending my conversation with Kyle, what greeted me upon returning to the inn room was Victoria, dressed in an outrageous outfit.

Completely naked except for my robe, and with bandages I used to wrap my hands around her chest to cover her ample breasts, it was a violent sight.

“…The Heavenly God has delivered a new divine message. Astal-nim.”

Victoria had turned off all the lights in the room, leaving only a small aromatherapy candle lit, and was sending me a sultry gaze.

A fragrant and strong scent paralyzed my sense of smell, and the stimulating image in my view kept drawing my attention.

“You, that outfit…”

“…I am wearing attire appropriate for the ritual. Is there something odd about it?”

“No, it’s just… that’s mine…”

“Isn’t it my large breasts that you adore? I simply judged that this method would be the most effective in arousing you.”

– It’s because I finally got permission from the Heavenly God, too. From now on, I won’t hold back anymore either.

Hearing Victoria’s inner thoughts, I realized something was terribly wrong. It felt like a tiny mouse standing before a massive snake.

“Astal-nim, how do you… resolve your s*xual urges?”

“…What?”

“I mean… that, uh, masturbation. From now on, I’ll help you with that. Although I have to protect my virginity according to the commandments, so it’ll be limited to hand jobs…”

– What do I do… It’s so embarrassing saying it out loud… I’m also a beginner, so I’ll be clumsy… will it be okay…?

Victoria’s voice trembled. For a moment, I wanted to believe I’d misheard, so I doubted my ears.

Originally, it wouldn’t be tolerated for a Saintess, who reverts to an ordinary person once she loses her virginity, to help a man resolve his s*xual urges.

In the first place, intercourse not premised on creating a child was considered blasphemous according to the Heavenly God’s commandments.

So, for what reason in the world would the Heavenly God grant permission?

“…If I only do that, I received a promise that you’ll gradually remove the flowers on your body. By doing this blasphemous act today, I can survive tomorrow, and tomorrow I can survive the day after that.”

Victoria’s ears were bright red, and she was gritting her teeth and steadfastly continuing her words.

“Actually, after being rejected in my confession, I even considered forcing myself on you and reverting to a normal woman instead of a Saintess… But…”

“That’s a crime.”

“If I can save your life with just this much action, I will gladly defile my hands.”

Victoria said those words, then prostrated herself and crawled forward on all fours, and then with trembling hands, started unbuckling my belt.

“This, it’s swollen and doesn’t go down easily… I’m sorry, but could you make it a little smaller…?”

– Even with both hands, I don’t think I can grasp it all… Can I really do this…?

She was clearly exuding the obvious aura of a virgin woman encountering a man for the first time.