I Can Hear the Saint’s Inner Thoughts

56 – Why Does Life Fall into a Deep Sleep (3)

“…You were in love with me?”

I pretended not to know Victoria’s confession. I thought the fact that I could hear her inner thoughts was something I had to take to my grave.

And in the first place, Victoria’s attitude towards me had been nothing but words mixed with all sorts of insults and criticisms.

“Honestly, I don’t believe you…”

It wasn’t strange that I would try to evade it like this.

“That’s understandable. I was born a liar, after all.”

Victoria shook the wet hair out of her face, and spoke frankly to me. The flames of the bonfire flickered in her eyes.

“Actually, I was living with a death sentence. Because of that, I thought I had to hide my affections for you…”

That felt like Victoria was expressing her true feelings, and I unconsciously nodded.

“The emotion of love is truly contradictory. I didn’t want to be forgotten by the person I liked, I didn’t want to be hated, so I ended up choosing this method.”

Victoria spoke, her voice trembling slightly as she faced me. Even for a saintess, conveying her true feelings like this seemed clumsy.

Victoria kept placing her hand over her chest, as if trying to calm her racing heart.

– My heart’s beating so fast like it’s broken… I really hope this confession is successful…

What if he doesn’t accept my confession? What if we can’t even go back to being friends? How will I deal with it if he hates me?

Her inner thoughts, unlike her outward appearance, seemed to be filled with countless worries and anxieties.

“That person always degraded me, verbally abusing my character? If you liked me, you could have been just a little bit nicer.”

“…The only way I knew to love was that. I selfishly wanted to be loved by you without revealing my own feelings.”

At that moment, with the flickering firelight of the bonfire dimly illuminating us both, Victoria gently cupped my cheek with her slightly cold hand.

She was expressing her true feelings more with her actions and expressions than with words. Even in her small breaths, the emotion of love was evident.

“What do you even know about me…”

I couldn’t understand Victoria. I thought she’d know better because she experienced my past with me.

The screams of the villagers as they burned and died, the look of relief on my parents’ faces as I ran away while they were dying, were still vivid in my eyes.

“I’m trash, I’m crippled. The people of my hometown were massacred by the Demon King’s army, and I’m the guy who couldn’t save anyone…!”

I spat out the words, biting my lower lip. I was hailed as a genius mage since childhood, but I was just a fool who couldn’t save anyone.

“Open your ears and listen carefully. No matter how much guilt you feel, Astar isn’t the one who killed your parents and the villagers.”

“……”

“I don’t know how many nightmares you’ve relived in the phantasm of Bellamora… But it’s not your fault.”

– Seeing how many people die in the past must’ve been… enough to drive someone who’d been holding on so well to suddenly try to kill themselves.

Victoria pushed my wet hair back from my face, a bitter smile playing on her lips.

The blossoms that had hidden her face were gone now, revealing her beautiful features completely.

“If they load such a heavy burden and responsibility onto a mere ten-year-old, I’d curse the heavens themselves, even if it were God.”

In eyes shining like a sea of stars, Victoria was getting angry on my behalf, even shedding hot tears.

A saintess who followed the words of the Celestial God, living a life more faithful than anyone. Victoria was saying those things solely for me.

“I think it’s wrong for you to sacrifice yourself. It’s like grabbing a child who knows nothing and blaming them for not saving the world.”

“You, that’s…”

Then Victoria said the very same words back to me that I had once told her.

“…Isn’t that similar to what you said to me? I really wanted to return the favor someday.”

Victoria said those words with a small laugh. She couldn’t suppress the chuckles escaping her.

“Do you understand?”

– Do you know now how much I love you?

My ears were muffled from the water, but her gentle and soothing voice wasn’t easily forgotten from my memory.

Even if she didn’t say it directly, her actions and attitude dripped with love for me.

Nod, nod.

After hearing Victoria’s resolve, I couldn’t help but nod. Because I sensed how heavy and intense her heart was.

“Hehe, look. You’ve gotten my clothes all wet, Astal-nim, haven’t you? Oh, if you stare at me too much, I’ll get embarrassed, though…”

“…….”

“I guess you were a man after all. I thought you were some kind of impotent saint incapable of fulfilling his duties.”

Victoria wrung the water from her saintess robes with both hands, and stuck her tongue out at me playfully. Looked like her own little trick to try and lighten the heavy mood.

– Showing this much is nothing to enchant Astal-nim, compared to hiding it with my hands or arms, right…?

Or maybe she was just embarrassed.

Her ears were red as beets, and her pupils were wide, a dead giveaway that she hadn’t expected her clothes to become see-through when wet.

“…Astal-nim, come here.”

Victoria slowly approached my sobbing form, gesturing for me to come closer.

“Lean on a generous older sister like me, and find some peace of mind.”

Thump, she let my head rest on her shoulder and quietly whispered in my ear.

The soft, moist feel of her skin mixed with a faint floral scent that bloomed on my body, brushing against my nose.

“…Didn’t you say your ideal type was an older woman? I’m playing to your tastes, so is there anything…uncomfortable?”

– If I act like this, he’ll definitely like it…?

“It’s awkward when you act out of character.”

I wanted to hide the ticklish feeling and the heat rising to my face, so I retorted to Victoria’s words for no good reason.

Seeing Victoria’s cheeks were also slightly flushed, she was embarrassed too, but pretending to be okay.

“…You like it, you’re just being difficult.”

“I’m not.”

“Then how do you explain your neck being red up to here? Your body’s more honest than your mouth, I see.”

Victoria lightly stroked my neck with her fingers as she spoke. She avoided the parts that had turned into flowers, and it felt almost alluring how she tickled me.

“Astal.”

Victoria spoke my name as if steeling herself, and began to spill the true feelings she’d kept hidden in her heart.

“If you suffer from nightmares every day, I will always be the one by your side to wake you.”

– Lord Astal, I know you suffer in Bellamora’s haunted dreams, tormented by the trauma of a past you can’t erase.

Victoria knew that my suicide attempt today was Bellamora’s fault. Because she moved all the flowers blooming on her body to me, and tried to take her own life.

“If you are tormented by an unending dream, I will whisper reality to you and make you feel relieved.”

– In this one and only life, I want to leave beautiful memories and recollections together, and prevent you from giving up your own life.

Victoria whispered softly in my ear, continuing her confession. Always clumsy at expressing her feelings, she spoke her heart with a trembling voice.

“I can assure you as a saint that Lord Astal is the kindest and most virtuous mage. The world without you is filled with nothing but darkness.”

Even the chirping of crickets decorating the night couldn’t be heard, my heart pounding and Victoria’s heartbeat echoed loudly.

“Hmm, it looks like you don’t believe me. Then, let’s make a promise.”

Victoria made me a proposition.

“From now on, never try to die.”

Extending her pinky finger forward, Victoria gently raised the corners of her lips, smiling as if to reassure me.

“I’ll even willingly stake the name of Luminas, the celestial god I believe in…”

Victoria, who never skipped a day of prayer while I was off subjugating the Demon King, even mentioned the celestial god she served.

“You need to cherish yourself more.”

Why is she going so far for someone as pathetic as me? Just as I hesitated to make the promise with that question in mind,

“…So, please don’t die.”

*Poof*─.

Victoria hugged my face tightly to her chest as she said those words. I could feel the weight of violent love, so much that I couldn’t breathe properly.

– Thump, Thump.

“Do you hear my heartbeat? It’s proof that I love you, a compass telling us we’re in reality.”

– I, I think this will work…? It’s a confession I’ve only ever thought about in my head… Does it sound weird…?

Victoria, hiding her bashful feelings, was speaking the cheesy lines one by one. I could feel her heartbeat, racing like it was malfunctioning.

“My heart wouldn’t beat this fast if it wasn’t for you. You should be proud.”

Victoria slowly stroked the back of my head, which was buried in her chest, with her other hand. And after a little while, she used her hand to pull me away a bit.

“I adore you. Astal.”

– I like you.

She began to deliver the words of love she had prepared for me.

The confession, along with her true feelings, felt so sincere that my heart skipped a beat.

“I want to be your real lover, not just a fake one for a month.”

– I love you. Astal.

Victoria presented me with the cosmos ring she had prepared beforehand and lightly pressed her lips against mine.

A soft and moist sensation, leaving a floral scent, was superimposed on my lips.

“…Will you be my boyfriend?”

– Please be my boyfriend.

The moment my birthday, which was originally sad and painful, turned into a sweet and beautiful moment.

All those moments, her body heat and emotions that I felt back then,

I thought were so lovely,

“…I’m sorry, Victoria.”

I had no choice but to reject her confession.

“Let’s stop seeing each other now.”