I Became a Villainous Character with a Limited Lifespan

Side Story 4

If Side Story. One Miracle and Two Funerals (4)

“Get ready, we’re going somewhere tomorrow. You should at least look like a proper person. What’s this, really?”

There wasn’t much luggage. Since it wasn’t a trip for enjoyment, and thinking that anything needed could be bought, the packed luggage was only about the size of one bag.

It didn’t matter anyway, let’s just go out. Thinking this, as he was about to leave the room, Mrs. Ju saw his bag, sighed, and took it away.

“We’re not going to the airport, so just come as you are.”

“…Is that so?”

“You’ll see when we get there.”

A car carrying three people – Jae-young’s father, Mrs. Ju, and Jae-young – headed somewhere. Come to think of it, they hadn’t been eating properly all this time, so maybe they were planning to feed him something.

Although he still had no appetite, it wasn’t that he couldn’t understand his parents’ feelings, so Jae-young sat quietly without complaint. After driving for a while, they arrived at a secluded beach.

Since there wasn’t anything that could be called a restaurant in sight, it was puzzling, but thinking there must be a reason, Jae-young got out of the car without saying anything and followed his parents.

“……”

“……”

“……”

The three walked for a long time without saying a word. Perhaps because he hadn’t been out for a while, it was a bit tiring, but Jae-young just walked quietly without showing it.

Before long, his parents’ footsteps stopped. It was a small, unused pier.

“I still think it would be better to just forget. But I also know that the world doesn’t work that easily. I may not be extraordinary, but I’ve lived longer than you, so I should know that much.”

Mrs. Ju, who had been looking at the sea for a moment, slowly began to speak. Even now, she thought Seung-hyun and Jae-young were a connection that shouldn’t have met.

If only he had lived, even if it took some time, there would have come a day when she would have had to acknowledge that the two were happy by each other’s side. Then she would have accepted them one day.

After all, what was most important to her was the happiness of her family, and despite calling him a foolish son, she wanted him to be happy.

At least it seemed that Seung-hyun had loved him too, so they could have somehow reached a happy ending, but now there was no way. It’s not like there’s a way to bring back the dead.

“Even if you can’t forget, you should be able to let go.”

“…And if that’s difficult too?”

“Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting.”

Jae-young’s father said, placing his hand on his shoulder. He had something he wanted to say to his son who had been cooped up in his room all this time.

“This is where I scattered my older brother’s ashes. You’re probably hearing this for the first time since he died before you were born.”

As someone who had experienced losing a loved one first, he wanted to tell a story that might bring some peace of mind. He slowly began to speak.

“I can’t say I feel exactly the same as you, but my brother was a special person to me. There was quite an age difference, and he was more like a parent to me than our parents. So when he died in an accident, I was so heartbroken that I didn’t want to see or hear anything.”

“……”

Jae-young’s father was a good father, but he wasn’t the type to talk much about himself. Perhaps because his mother was such an outstanding person, he always said things like, “You should ask your mother about that. What do I know?” So this situation felt very unfamiliar to Jae-young.

The speaker also felt quite awkward. But this was a story he really wanted to tell. He continued:

“At that time, your mother said that my brother wouldn’t want me to be like this. But it wasn’t particularly comforting. I already knew that. No, I knew it best. Knowing how much he loved me, knowing that he would be the saddest if I was upset, how could I not know that?”

He didn’t want to forget. Isn’t there a saying that people really disappear when they’re forgotten? Even if he wouldn’t want me to be upset, he wouldn’t want to be forgotten either. He would still want to be remembered. With those feelings, he had said he couldn’t let go.

Staying locked up in his room without doing anything was similar to how Jae-young was now. Maybe he even resembled him in that aspect, the father thought with a slight smile as he spoke.

“But then your mother said something. She said that letting go doesn’t mean they disappear, and if you hold on too tightly, both the person holding on and the memory being held will only be in pain.”

“……”

“So she told me to let go just a little, that the memory would follow the path I’m going because I’m precious to it too, so it’s not a permanent goodbye.”

If you hold on too tightly because you don’t want to lose it, not only will the person holding on be in pain, but the memory being held will eventually be in pain too. She said to let go a little and remember without pain. Those words made him come back out into the world again.

“That person had a funeral, but that child couldn’t have one. Even though their existence wasn’t known and they left too early to leave any trace… after all, the most important part of a funeral is for those left behind to say goodbye.”

So let’s send them off here, he said, and Jae-young lowered his head at those words. His father was right; holding on too tightly would only hurt the other person.

“…You’re right, father. But…”

He knew all that, but it wasn’t as easy as it sounded. Am I just going to keep hurting that person until the end? He thought there was nothing left to come out, but tears started falling again.

“It’s okay if you can’t do it right away. That’s natural.”

At the words saying it’s okay to struggle, that family would be there beside him so don’t forget you have family, Mrs. Ju nodded quietly without adding anything.

If only this family, the family that allowed him to grow up knowing warmth, could have become Seung-hyun’s family too. Thinking this, Jae-young took something out.

What was in his pocket was a black cat doll he had found while cleaning Seung-hyun’s room. Afraid that Seung-hyun’s family would take away all his remaining traces, he had found it deep in a drawer when he went home and brought it back.

He had moved other things to his own house too, but he wanted to keep this one with him, so he had put it in his pocket.

“I can’t be okay overnight. But…”

Just enough not to be painful, Jae-young thought as he slowly loosened his grip on the doll.

The three of them burned the doll as if cremating it. Perhaps because it was a small doll, there weren’t many remains left after burning.

Before the ashes, not even a handful, could scatter in the wind, leaving no trace of having existed in the world, making them think of the child who didn’t even leave a trace of existence, Jae-young let them go over the sea.

As if holding a funeral, after letting those traces flow away, he felt a strange feeling. His heart wasn’t at ease, but it wasn’t as painful as he had thought either.

After returning home with his family, he quietly packed his bags. Although he could now come out of his room, it was still overwhelming to live in a place with so many traces of Seung-hyun.

“When I become a stronger person, I’ll come back then.”

And so, Jae-young left on a trip with no plans to return, without packing any of Seung-hyun’s belongings.

***

He returned to Korea a little over a year later. After spending all four seasons in the United States and living an unremarkable daily life, he suddenly felt like seeing the sea.

If it was just about wanting to see the sea, he could go here too, but what he wanted to see was clearly defined.

He wanted to see that sea where he had held cheap sparklers with Seung-hyun. It was okay even if there was no one to go there with anymore.

Jae-young returned to Korea with the same simple luggage he had when he left. Without telling his family he was coming, he arrived in Busan and headed straight to the hotel.

“Do you need anything, sir?”

Ignoring the staff’s surprise at suddenly encountering the future manager of the hotel, he checked the room. Confirming that the room where Seung-hyun had stayed two years ago was empty, he went to that room.

“……”

It was a room with a beautiful night view. As it was the time when the sun started setting earlier, the sky with its beautifully set sunset was pleasant to see.

Jae-young stared blankly at that scene until the sun set, and only went out when it was completely dark outside. There were quite a few people who looked like couples.

Some were playing with sparklers, while others were quietly walking along the autumn sea, having conversations. They were enjoying their time with their partners in their own ways.

After arriving, he seemed to understand why he wanted to come here. It wasn’t about wanting to see the sea, or wanting to see the sparks spreading in all directions.

He just wanted to recall his memories with Seung-hyun again. At first, that incident was only painful and bitter, so he had locked it deep in his mind and pretended not to know, but this time it was a little different.

“…It was fun.”

Just recalling that moment made it feel like Seung-hyun was beside him. For the first time in a long while, remembering Seung-hyun wasn’t painful.

The words that pretending not to know and painfully holding on weren’t the only answers now seemed to make a little bit of sense.

Zing- Zing-.

The notification ringing in his pocket was surely from his family who had belatedly learned of his return to the country. Jae-young took out his phone from his pocket and answered the call.

The next day, Jae-young returned home and met his family. He smiled and responded to the nagging about returning without any plans, and after sleeping well and waking up, Jae-young headed somewhere early in the morning with a bouquet of flowers.

He felt he could now go to that place he had never been able to visit before, afraid of seeing the body contained in that small urn and the face frozen in the frame.

“You must have missed me, I’m sorry for coming only now.”

It felt strange to see the unfamiliar ID photo taken with a stiff face, but all of that was Seung-hyun too, so there was no need to be distant.

“Honestly, I’m not okay. I probably never will be, but now… I’m trying to live thinking only about how happy we were together, rather than the fact that you’re gone. Because that’s what you would want.”

Even if it was just a monologue for himself with no one to hear, he wanted to say it.

“So don’t think about being sorry for leaving first, just remember me beautifully. As if there were never any painful times. As if you’re always by my side…”

Because I’ll do the same, because I’ll believe we’re by each other’s side even without holding on. Jae-young lightly placed his hand on the glass window and then removed it.

“I’ll go slowly, because I’ll be scolded if I rush to meet you. By then, I’ll be someone who knows what I want to say and doesn’t say stupid things without knowing.”

“…I was happy because Han Seung-hyun was there, and I will continue to be…”

Jae-young’s lips trembled, unable to finish his sentence. He didn’t want to show a crying face when meeting after such a long time.

“I’ll come again.”

Jae-young forced a smile and turned away before tears could fall. When we meet again, I should become a better person. To do that, I shouldn’t live like I have been.

You will always be the light guiding me, and the you inside me will never leave me. Thinking this, Jae-young left the columbarium.

It was autumn, with biting winds but pleasantly warm sunshine.