I Am A Table [LitRPG Isekai Progression Fantasy]

The dizzying, chaotic sensation of inter-realm travel returned. Blorbo was compressed, stretched, and spun, the familiar horrifying cacophony of non-sensory data assaulting his core. The last glimpse he had was Lena's wide, astonished face and the Candy Dragon Queen's terrified squawk before the bubblegum pink vortex swallowed them whole.

Blorbo floated in a void that felt neither hot nor cold, without up or down. But this time, it was different. There was no 'woohoo!' from Lena, just a tense, silent tumble.

The Candy Dragon Queen spoke, but her voice sounded oddly muffled. "I recognize this particular portal," she stated. "It seems you've unfortunately opened an Astral Portal."

Lena piped up. "OH! Sounds cool! What does it do?"

Okay, that sounds like a normal name, Blorbo thought, a tiny flicker of hope igniting in his core. Maybe I'll travel in peace and slowly heal and not die. A nice, calm, astral journey. He even imagined serene, shimmering cosmic dust.

"That's the worst portal of all," she declared, her voice heavy with cosmic weariness. "It travels through the Astral Sea. Which means... there will be ASTEROIDS of all sizes coming at us."

WHAT?! Asteroids?! In a portal?! What fresh hell is this?!

You mean I'll have to stay alive from an asteroid assault while being carried by LENA?

No sooner had the thought completed that an asteroid no bigger than Lena's head materialized from the swirling darkness. It spun menacingly directly at Lena.

"Dodge," the Dragon Queen said as she provided zero assistance.

Lena, with an instinct born purely of surprise and self-preservation, shrieked. She threw her arms up to... shield herself with Blorbo.

AAAAAAAAA I DON'T WANT TO DIEEEEEE!

He frantically searched for any defensive capability. The only one he knew to actively deflect. He activated Retribution Counter.

The asteroid slammed into him. For a terrifying fraction of a second, he felt the immense, cold pressure.

Boink.

Then, with a sudden, impossible recoil, the asteroid didn't shatter him. Instead, it was shunted backward with surprising force, rocketing back into the distorted darkness from which it came.

It worked? It worked! I'm alive! Haha! These asteroids ain't got nothing on me! That's all you got, huh? Give us your best shot. Come on!

His bravado lasted precisely one-tenth of a second.

From the swirling, chaotic depths of the Astral Portal, a shadow fell. It wasn't just big; it was colossal. It was the biggest asteroid he had ever seen ever, a gargantuan, jagged mass of cosmic rock, easily as large as forty-five Lenas, barreling silently towards them.

OH NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

There was no way Lena could dodge this. No way he could deflect this.

Hide me, Lena!

With a desperate, terrified grunt, she shoved Blorbo forward with both hands, using him as a full-body shield, pressing him directly into the path of the oncoming cosmic mountain.

AAAAAAAAA! I'M SORRY! I WON'T EVER QUESTION YOUR SUPREME AUTHORITY AGAIN! I'LL BE GOOD! I'LL BE QUIET! JUST DON'T LET ME DIE!

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Just as the colossal asteroid was mere feet away, filling Blorbo's entire perception with its cold, jagged immensity, a brilliant, scalding torrent of molten hot chocolate erupted from just behind them. It wasn't the usual stream; this was a focused, powerful blast from the Candy Dragon Queen. The hot chocolate slammed into the asteroid's side, not melting it, but imparting a colossal amount of kinetic force. The asteroid, roaring past them with a whoosh, was pushed off course, spinning wildly as it careened into the darkness. It had missed Blorbo by inches.

Thank you… thank you… but… YOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT SOONER, YOU OVERSIZED GUMMY WORM?!

Boink.

[-1 HP]

What was that?

Blorbo felt a tiny but sharp impact on one of his legs. He strained his perception, filtering through the chaos. A pebble-sized asteroid had been tucked directly behind the gargantuan one, hidden in its shadow and momentum, hitting him at the precise moment the larger threat veered off. His Retribution Counter hadn't even registered it.

But! I'm still alive! He quickly checked his status, zooming into the HP section.

[HP: 1/78]

Wait. Blorbo's internal processing paused. I should've had 0 HP. How—? I must have healed by 1 HP right before it hit me! Bless my supreme Endurance and Healing! He nearly wept with relief and pride at his own inexplicable resilience.

More asteroids began to appear, shimmering into existence from the distorted darkness. Blorbo, being an animated object, could only be at the mercy of Lena, who possessed the gracefulness of a scarecrow.

An asteroid the size of a pumpkin spun directly towards them.

"Ah!" Lena shrieked, intending to duck dramatically to the left. But her flailing movement was too wide, too clumsy. Instead of dodging left, her momentum carried her heavily to the right, causing the pumpkin-sized asteroid to zip past her left shoulder by a hair's breadth.

Blorbo was unharmed.

She... she tried to dodge one way and failed so spectacularly she dodged another?

No sooner had that one passed than a cluster of three smaller, fist-sized asteroids appeared, scattering like cosmic buckshot. Lena gasped, trying to spin around to cover herself. She tripped over her own feet in the void, somehow turning a clumsy rotation into a bizarre, uncontrolled tumble. The asteroids whizzed past, missing her by inches as she corkscrewed through the emptiness.

Impossible! She's failing successfully!

A final, banana-shaped asteroid, longer and sleeker, materialized directly in their path, hurtling with dangerous speed. Lena, her eyes wide with terror, threw her arms up, intending to block it with Blorbo. But her aim was off, her arms flailing again. It… plunged Blorbo into the air, and he made a 360-degree spin, dodging the asteroid, before dropping back into her arms.

[+1 AGI for impossible maneuver]

W-what is this magic?

The Dragon Queen repelled the last rock coming at her with her claws, swipe it aside, and it… hit Blorbo.

[Retribution Counter activated]

[-0 HP]

[-1 AGI for failing to dodge simple object]

What? How is that SIMPLE?! It was a deflection. Those are the hardest to account for!

A screen showed up.

Wait. What is this? It's been so long since I last saw this screen. Did I touch the butt of the rock?

Lena was now clutching Blorbo close to her chest, curling on the ground in a pathetic foetus position. The Queen sighed and said, simply, "The threat is over. You can resume standing now."

"Oh!" Lena piped up, her voice instantly regaining its usual cheerful buoyancy. Without a moment's hesitation, she uncurled from her foetal ball. She stood up, casually patting Blorbo with one hand, as if dusting non-existent cosmic particles from his surface. Her side, where she'd taken a nasty hit earlier, seemed completely forgotten.

Blorbo prayed there wouldn't be another anomaly coming, but he knew that was impossible.