I Am A Table [LitRPG Isekai Progression Fantasy]

I'm not sure if there's anyone beside Griesa herself calling her the Grease Queen, but the name has merits.

Griesa's workshop could only be described as a blacksmith's fever dream.

The party was there—Rob, Lena, Ducaz, and Blorbo. Anders hadn't arrived, but he was always somewhere that wasn't where the rest would be. Blorbo's feet crunched on scattered shards of glass and gears that looked like they'd been plucked from the mind of a lunatic clockmaker as he was having a seizure. Every surface was cluttered. The shelves along the walls sagged under the weight of glowing tubes, whirring fans, and what he swore was a taxidermied pigeon fused to a music box. Hung from the ceiling like electric vines were wires, lots of them. Some were sparking, others dripping something suspiciously sap-like, and one with a sock clipped onto it for unknown reasons.

"This is where the magic happens," Griesa announced proudly, knocking over a wrench with her hip and catching it without looking. The wrench then inexplicably folded into a spoon and flew away. No magical skills detected.

Blorbo had no words. His entire realm's technological innovation peaked at a particularly sharp butter knife, and here he was staring at a rotating chair powered entirely by what looked like vinegar and a hamster running on a circular treadmill stuck beneath said chair. In the corner, a squat boiler kept sneezing steam, while a mechanical arm slowly stirred a pot of soup—except the soup was bolts. Nothing else in it. Just... bolts.

"What," Rob whispered, "is any of this?"

"Oh, that's my resonant oscillator," Griesa said, pointing to something that looked like a drum, a fishbowl, and a brass horn had all entered a tragic love triangle. "And over there's the harmonizing jar array. Don't open them or you'll destabilize the tavern bar outside. Dad is going to be unhappy if that happens."

Blorbo tried to identify a single familiar item. There was a hammer. Good. He knew hammers. But this one had three heads and a dial on it labeled "Moral Integrity—Do Not Let Dad See" That seemed suspicious.

He turned away quickly and scanned the workbench again. Aha! A poking stick. It looked safe. It had a handle. It had a pointy bit. It wasn't glowing or dripping or vibrating with unknowable energy.

He stared at it for a full five seconds. It was still normal. Just a poking stick.

[SIDEQUEST RECEIVED: A Keen Eye (5)]

Objective: Find as many normal objects in the room as you can within the next 30 seconds.

Reward: + 1 PER for every object found.

Prerequisite: None

Failure: None

Accept: YES/NO

He willed ACCEPT. Immediately, a timer appeared in the air above, and it started counting backward in white numbers. 30. 29.

Items found: 0

Zero? I just found a normal object. What do you mean my first find didn't count? You buttock-harlot system!

Blorbo squinted harder. His vision strained against the visual noise of pipes, parchment, coils, and arcane symbols. Somewhere in this chaos, a few more normal items had to exist. He just had to use his much-improved perception.

He spotted a wooden spoon.

A plain wooden spoon.

It was wedged precariously between a birdcage full of clacking metal teeth and a half-dissected tea kettle that was breathing. The spoon, by some miracle, had not been incorporated into either monstrosity. It just sat there, innocent and upright, like it had declared a proud and stubborn neutrality.

Item Found: Spoon (Normal) — +1 PER!

One down. He could do this.

He scanned again, filtering out anything that glowed, smoked, or clicked in time with his pulse. There, not so far from the spoon! A mug! It was made with solid ceramic, without any moving parts nor suspicious inscriptions. Blorbo stared at it like it was a lost sibling.

Item Found: Mug (Normal) — +1 PER!

Time was ticking. 15 seconds left.

Blorbo scanned left, scanned right—then the door creaked. Lena walked in, balancing a tray of what looked like bubbling cups and a normal-looking jug. He focused on the jug.

Item Found: Jug (Normal) — Not Counted. The object was not in the room.

What? But it's in the room NOW! That's what matters!

No time to argue. He had to keep looking.

Behind Lena, on the wall just above her head, something caught his eye.

A candlestick.

A dusty, wrought iron candlestick, bent slightly to one side like it had been installed by someone who'd never respected right angles. It hadn't been touched in ages, a lonely artifact clinging to the wall like a barnacle of sanity.

He locked in. That's it. That's another normal thing.

But no notification.

What? Why? Where? Where's my notification at?

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

He focused with all his might, his vision practically sharpening into crosshairs. Then he noticed something odd.

At the base of the candlestick, hidden in shadow, was a tiny crank that led to a spring. A spring that connected to a marble chute. A marble chute that disappeared straight into the wall.

Why? Why does your candle launch marbles?!

Item Rejected: Trap-Candle (Modified). No PER bonus.

Time's up.

"Okay, now that I've got your measurements," Griesa's voice sounded out, bringing Blorbo back to reality. "Could you clarify your class and role within the party?"

"Uh, I cook," Lena said.

"I farm," Rob said.

"... Aren't you adventurer mages who want to bring down an evil mage association?" Griesa furrowed her brow.

"I came along with my dad," Lena said.

"And I came along with her," Rob said.

"And I came along with them," Ducaz, who had just walked in, said.

If only we're that noble, Griesa.

Griesa just shrugged. "Well, lady." She pointed to the lady. "You're getting the Bubble Buckler. It will be cute and shiny, and it will make a noise when you spin it. That's not optional. It won't block much but it'll bounce spells back. As for the specific kind of spell, though, I'll have to do my research."

"What kind of spell?" Lena asked.

Griesa beamed. "Well, that part we'll have to find out by testing!" Then she turned to Rob. "You, Mr. Hot-Looking Eyes. You're obviously a Paladin, don't lie. I'm giving you the Virtue-Vibro Gauntlets. They glow when you're morally conflicted. Try not to punch any mirrors."

Rob blinked. "I'm not a—"

"Don't ruin the aesthetic," Griesa said.

Lena tilted her head. "Hot-looking eyes?"

Griesa gave her a thumbs-up. "Strong jaw too! He is quite a catch!"

This girl really knows the right things to say when a person's WIFE is right next to them…

Lena's smile twitched. "Thanks! I caught him while he was picking carrots. Real epic quest."

Rob, oblivious, scratched his neck. "Carrots are good for your eyes."

"Oooh, they are!" Griesa's eyes lit up. "Men who eat carrots get really attractive eyes."

Lena's fingers twitched alongside her smile.

Ducaz strolled closer, arms crossed, grinning like a fox in a henhouse.

"Carrots, huh?" he said, eyeing Rob, then Lena. "Man's got good eyes, strong jaw, mystery glow gauntlets, and he cooks. Perfect catch, I'd say! Especially if you can't score the hot blonde knight!" He elbowed Griesa.

Griesa let out a cackle, but it was a little too loud. "Oh, please! Sir Marin is just—he's, uh, he's not even that—"

"I know how to make knights swoon over you," Ducaz cut in.

Griesa grabbed his arm like they'd been best friends for twenty years. "What a beautiful morning, my dear esteemed customer. Would you like three free upgrades? How would you say to five?"

Lena, meanwhile, froze like a rabbit caught in a divination spell. Her voice came out syrupy-sweet. "Wow, Rob, you're really popular today. Maybe I should go flirt with the blacksmith and see if I can get five upgrades too."

Rob blinked, confused. "You don't use weapons."

Lena's smile stretched. "Oh, I'll find something to swing."

This is like watching a disaster unfolding in slow motion. Can someone please walk in and end this? Please, someone… Anyone…

Then Anders walked in.

No, wait. Not him.

Anders announced the moment he walked in, "I have decided that we will infiltrate the Bird cult tomorrow."