Dungeons & Deliveries - A Post Apocalypse Comedy Adventure [Book 1 Complete]

"Who the hell is microwaving goblin milk and tilapia?" one of the dudes in the washroom yelled before dry heaving so hard he cracked the greasy mirror with his forehead. The other two sounded like they were rolling around on the wet, probably diseased floor. Alex held his stomach down in the stall as the stench of the Stink Scrub gassed the space. Then a metal thud hit the washroom door, followed by the whirr of plastic rotors.

Zippy flew in, zoomed down low, then arced up to appear above the stall door. "Get in here, get in here!" Alex called him down and Zippy descended to hover in the stall with twitchy pincers. The robot was clearly amped. The bandaid covering his red light looked soaked with blue curocao, but thankfully the robot was OK and undamaged. Alex heard Mary's voice screaming from outside of the bathroom door as she and Britanii undoubtedly fought.

"You stay the fuck away from him, and my friends! You. Little. Tiny. Skank!" Mary annunciated every word. The crowd cheered and Alex assumed that Mary just landed a couple good ones on Britanii. Hopefully her nose. How was she fighting while she couldn't see? Alex assumed pure spite.

"You cow!" Britanii's unmistakable shriek responded. The crowd went 'oooooh,' and Alex heard one of the guys scramble to his feet.

"That Familiar's going to hurl too, let's get out of here!" one of the guys yelled as he grabbed his buddies.

"Did that guy die in that stall?" another gagged. Seconds later the bathroom door flapped and the three of them ran out. The club sounds muffled, and it was just Alex and Zippy. Alex looked right at the tiny bot, who flexed his pincers like he was cracking his robot knuckles.

"You ready?" Alex asked. "Remember, you take this bottle and dump it at the back of the club. Mine's for the bar. That'll be enough to clear it out."

Zippy beeped a check mark sound and opened his pincers as wide as he could. He tried to grab the bottle, but the glass made him struggle a bit. After a couple seconds of fumbling and a terrifying amount of sloshing, Zippy finally found his grip. Alex nodded a bunch of times and tried not to panic from the amount of adrenaline pumping through him.

"Let's do this. Clear this sucker for Beepy. We got this. Weeeeee got this. Holy shit we're actually doing this." He kicked the stall door open and the two of them sprinted back into the club. Alex held back just a little bit so that his [Blazing Hot] Title didn't activate and alert anyone.

—

BEEPY'S POV

Beepy watched from the shadow as his sensors picked up the bubbling energy in the club. The all pupil-eyed bouncer had shoved his veiny head into the door, then disappeared inside, leaving the rowdy crowd wondering why they weren't allowed to watch the fight. It was time to move.

He zipped across the street and dodged a puddle that smelled like pickles, was almost stepped on by two people arguing over a Relic vape, then dove under a floating modified Fiat. Only a curious Familiar noticed him. The cursed bracelet was starting to hurt. He knew it was almost time, and now he was 10 feet away from the door. If he had a heart, it would be beating too hard. Beepy stayed low, tucked his little face deeper in his hoodie that he loved, and waited to pounce.

—

CLUB

The club really did feel like a boisterous and wet sock. Alex and Zippy burst back in to the throbbing lights and sweat that slapped them like a wet ham. Everyone in the club was facing that DJ booth changing "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!". Alex saw a couple Krusher goons failing to peel Mary and Britanii off each other. Mary had Britanii's hair wrapped in one hand and was elbowing a bouncer in the solar plexus with the other arm. Britanii's perfect nose was now imperfectly flattened and bloody. So far there it didn't look like there were any Skills flying, but Alex knew Britanii would eventually bite back hard.

Holy shit, Mary.

Zippy launched upward while holding the glass bottle and zoomed to the drippy ceiling. The bot sped straight and headed for the back, aiming to fly right over the single ceiling fan in the seriously moist space. Alex watched and held his breath and his own bottle of Stink Scrub. No one had noticed the smell yet. Zippy was almost there. Almost…

Zippy's grip slipped. "No, no, no-" Alex said and watched in horror as the bottle slipped through the bot's pincers, spinning in slow motion towards—

"Ow! What the fuck?" A sharp pinch on his arm snapped his head around. "Can you stop that?"

The crone was back, and was wetter and wrinklier. Her facial piercings seemed to have multiplied. The caked on lipstick was migrating off her face and shmeared. Alex could see tiny little Cores drilled and mounted in her gray teeth. Now that Alex was close, he swore she smelled worse than the bottle in hand. Why did that piercing drip blood?

"Whatcha got there, sweetheart?" she asked sweet as pie, pointing at the bottle. Before Alex responded, Zippy's dropped beer bottle shattered like a pinata.

"Oh shit." Was all Alex could say.

It was smacked mid air by the one single, rusty fan. To everyone, it sounded like a bottle breaking. Then the wave of mustardy yellow doom splattered the crowd in tiny globs. The scent? It hit everyone exactly one second later.

"Is someone burning a corpse?" Someone yelled. Then, all hell broke loose. A scream cut through the music. "MY EYES!" Britanii and Mary kept walloping each other. "OH GODS! I TASTED IT!" A woman dropped her Familiar and it exploded into feathers before fleeing. The bouncers finally had enough and grabbed Mary and Britanii. "Let's get out of here!" people roared.

Welp. Guess that worked.

People stampeded towards the door. Alex just breathed through from under his shirt and smiled as people shoved past him. He looked down at the open bottle still in his hand. It was his turn to dump it. But the plan had changed. Everyone in the club was already slathered in the stuff. He had originally planned on using it as a stink bomb instead of its actual use.

"Best of both worlds, I guess." He said to himself and dumped the rest of the Stink Scrub straight into his shirt.

The effect was immediate. It felt like pouring mouldy boiling soup and pickle juice onto his chest. He joined the crowd in screaming as he felt his Core flare up. It felt hot, almost too hot. It hurt in an almost pleasant way, like when someone has a hangnail that they can't help but poke and prod at. Or a sore tooth one can't help but tongue. The empty water bottle hit the ground as he dropped it

Something in him was shifting. The Stink Scrub was taking effect, and black liquid started to seep out of his pores. It dripped like burnt syrup instantly, and his Core thrummed out impurities into the already putrid air. Alex stumbled and saw shapes that weren't there. Or maybe they were. The club was filled with screaming weirdos, but that mouth on the floor hadn't been there a moment ago. Alex shook his head to clear the hallucinations and get back to business. He needed to provide a distraction.

A dancer on a platform swan dived, landed on a fat guy's shoulders, then drop kicked a bartender to clear a path. A Krusher slipped on something and even Alex had to admit the noise he made as he landed on his back made him feel bad. The smell mutated into sewer pipe, foot cheese, and roadkill. Alex watched a thrashing Mary and a bloody Britanii in headlocks being dragged out by a bodyguard that looked like he had some serious orc genes or body mods.

Over the club, Zippy hovered with his red light blinking. The bandaid had peeled away. The old woman beside him shuddered, and Alex realized she has holding his arm.

"…I think I like it?" she said as she sniffed deeply at the dripping sludge on his arms.

When the hell did she grab onto me?

"Get the hell off me!" Alex said back and the woman got the hint. She nodded sadly and joined the frantic procession shoving out into the summer night.

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

Phase 6 of Alex's Master Plan: Get chased by idiots and pay fucking attention.

Alex felt the full force of the smell attacking him like a sock of old eggs and the Stink Scrub working its way through his Core. His eyes watered and teared up murky gunk. He waited and squinted through the fog, his own and the club's, just long enough to have Britanii within 10 feet of him as she was dragged by a done looking bouncer. He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled. "HEY BRITANII!"

Her face snapped toward him like a hawk spots prey. It is a strange thing indeed to see past the mask of evil. For just a second, Alex saw beneath Britanii's pretty mask, and saw the Banshee beneath. It chilled him. Her one good eye narrowed on his leaking frame. Alex stumbled from the Stink Scrub, but held himself upright.

"You!" she screamed and forced her way out of the bouncer's hands like a weasel. "It was HIM! He did this! He stink bombed the whole place! Get him!" Like drones, the bouncers and Krusher's turned. Mary was dropped and hit the floor laughing maniacally. She immediately bit into someone's ankle and scooted towards the front entrance on her butt. The jiggly Krusher goons in red wife beaters cracked their knuckles and drooled a little.

"Damn," he called out to Britanii, smiling and tilting his head before righting it again. Too risky with his wonky brain that felt like it was sweating. "Those guys really are dumb. That was in sync! Britanii, I sure hope that nose feels alright. Merp durp it hurt?" He screwed up the insult, but Britanii screamed like a kettle left on the stove and black filled her eyes anyways. That was definitely a Skill, time to get moving. The Krushers charged him.

Phase 6, revised: Get really chased by idiots.

Alex bolted into the crowd, [Blazing Hot] activating just as someone threw a stool at him. The Skill felt cleaner. His flames burned brighter and looked cooler. Sure, he stunk to high heaven, but everyone did as well. He just smelled worse than most. His feet gave him all the stealth of a bonfire at a marshmallow festival, which was absolutely perfect. He shrieked, ducked, and crashed into the mass of slimey dancers.

"You can't catch Speed!" he yelled and immediately regretted it.

Really gotta get some better one liners. I blame the Stink Scrub.

He then activated [Illusory Copy], and a perfect clone of Alex appeared directly next to him. It was taller, cooler, with better hair and even sexier pants. The copy stood proud and posed as Alex dropped into a crouch, turned off [Blazing Hot] on himself, and skittered to remain hidden. He kept the flames on his copy to draw attention. The Krushers roared as the copy raised its eyebrows at them and threw finger guns. He was pretty sure he meant to do that in his haze. They surged like hungry, fattened fish toward his bait.

"God, he's so smug. Is that what I look like?" Alex asked himself as he slithered away while dripping impurities. The answer was yes, he did look smug, but the illusion was definitely hotter and not leaking years of garbage out of its faux Core.

Britanii barrelled through the crowd with blood leaking from her flat note and eyes black with some Skill activation. Her signature Corruption Skills she loved to use. She shrieked something and pulled out a small knife. Thankfully, Mary was gone and nowhere in sight. Alex cautioned a glance as he crouched low. The drone had probably met her and helped her get away in the chaos.

"Gotcha now, lover boy," a Krusher with a goatee dyed red lunged from the side and snagged Alex by his sopping wet collar.

"Nope! Nope, nope, nope!" Alex squealed and activated [Phantom Step]. His vision blurred and his brain hiccuped as he reappeared ten feet forward, through the Krusher, and behind some sticky speakers. It definitely felt better than before. The Stink Scrub was working. The Krusher looked around and ate shit as a girl wearing glow sticks accidently tripped him with her oversized boots.

"Sorry," Alex said to himself. "Emergency. I have hot feet and serious commitment issues." The real Alex crab walked out of the crowd unnoticed as one of the goons dove headfirst through the Illusory Copy. The man landed mouth first into a puddle of Stink Scrub. "Where is he?!" Britanii yelled with foamy lips. The crowd of people still shoved through the front door, the club emptying. Soon enough, Britanii would dart out the front with them and look for him. If the smell didn't get her first.

Sheeeeeeesh, she is piiiiissed.

Just as Alex ran past the empty DJ booth and tried to not trip over himself, someone hurled a soggy platform boot at him. He ducked and the boot hit the wall and exploded in sparks. A sweaty bodyguard stumbled past him holding a bowl of tequila, but Alex juked him. He sprinted through the back door, and used his [Illusory Copy] to flip Britanii two birds before dissipating it to one of her knife slashes. From the vision of his copy, he could see her practically snarling and frothing.

Out the back door, Alex stopped. There was one more step to the plan and he wanted to make sure Beepy got out OK. He stunk to high heaven, but with the amount of gunk coming out of him, he knew it had all worked out for the best. The hallucinations were still there, but he had a handle on them.

"God, that was stupid. If I were a drug…I'd be speed? No…If I were juice…I'd be zesty? Hmm…" Alex tried different one-liners as he waited. It was finally the last step of his plan.

Phase 7 of Alex's Master Plan: Get a small boy to plant a bomb. Do not trust the hallucinations, he thought as another garbage can monster started singing showtime tunes near him. At least, Alex thought that was going on.

—

BEEPY's POV

Beepy whirred and tried his best to dodge through the slamming feet. He zipped under legs and made a point to avoid anyone in red. He was going to make it past the front door. The bracelet was hurting in his chest and was getting hotter.

IT'S GOING TO POP. DO NOT POP INSIDE ME, he thought in his robot brain.

A giant boot slammed down in front of him. Beepy locked his rotors and skidded, looking up. It was the all-pupil bouncer. So many veins on top of a lumpy mashed potato head. His black eyes took Beepy in. "Well, well, well," the bouncer said like a gritty protein shake. "What are you? And where are you going?"

Beepy's little arms shook. He wasn't prepared for this. The curse was going to explode in his chest outside of the club around all these people and he didn't know what it would do to him.

NOTHING GOOD.

Then…KATUNK. A sound like a metal coconut falling onto a melon. The bouncer wobbled. Something had landed right on top of his bald ass head. Beepy saw Zippy spinning in place above. Was he…? Was that a disco move after decking the giant bald man? Beepy was impressed, but got the hint. He sped off and navigated around the metal toed boot his brother had thunked the bouncer with.

He drifted into the club and hugged the walls to avoid being booted. Beepy couldn't smell anything, but based on the screaming and vomit, it was probably real bad. He needed to drop his payload now and get the heck out of there. His single eye scanned the wet club that would definitely be slippery and spotted his target.

He kicked his gears into overdrive and whizzed towards the neon colored DJ booth. Over pills, glass, and yellow goop didn't stop him. Soon enough, he reached within five feet of the platform and swung his hatch open. Inside the sock was as hot as a ten minute microwave burrito that Mary liked. Beepy reached in and felt the sock start to melt his lego hand. He panicked and yeeted it. The sock went an entire six inches and landed with a schlop into a pubble of yellow goop.

GOOD ENOUGH, he thought and spun wildly. He kind of wanted to stay. The lights were pretty and he could definitely dance to the music. But no. It was too scary. The curse wanted out and he wanted a hug. He turned and zoomed towards the back just like they planned. Beepy spotted a brown eye peeking through the door.

ALEX, NO MORE CURSES.

The door opened and he blasted out like a little bottle rocket. Alex scooped him up and sprinted away. "You did it, Beepy! YOU DID IT! You beautiful amazing robot!" Alex's feet were lit up as his friend carried him away. Beepy wanted cool fire feet. It would look good when he danced. Maybe he would ask Mary if he could get some.

"I can't believe you—"

KABOOOOOOOOOOOM

—

Alex skidded sloppily to a stop as the whole block shook. There wasn't any blinding light, no fireball… but something had definitely exploded behind them. He turned, panting, and squinted down the alley toward the back of lit up Krusher Koven. The bracelet had worked its magic.

[CURSED KOVEN - Silver Rank Dungeon]

[Current Occupants: 1]

[Time Since Last Defeat: 0 Years, 0 months, 1 days]

"Oh. Ooooh fuck."

But the System wasn't done yet. There was someone in the club as it became a Dungeon. Nothing on the outside changed, but his [Investigate] was tickling the back of his mind. Something else was happening, like a little bubble that was about to pop. When the System created something novel, or there were special instances, it would send out a notification to those in the vicinity. One time Alex had gotten a notification about how wonderful a lover Pierre was.

What did I do? What the fuck did I do?

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLEX!!!" A banshee scream tore out through the concrete walls of the new Cursed Koven Dungeon. It was a scream he recognized. It was mutated, and distorted, and…grotesque. It made Alex's blood run to ice.

Alex was already sprinting away with every possible shred of energy he had left. Beepy hid in his shoulder as [Blazing Hot] activated and Alex used five [Phantom Steps] in a row to get the hell out of there. It hurt his Core, but not as much as it should have. The Scrub was working and Alex was too freaked out to care. He just leaked black impurities out of his Core and sprinted away as fast as he could, back towards the meet point Mary and him had picked out prior.

The cursed bracelet had worked in the worst possible way, melding with the Stink Scrub. Then the notification was sent out while Britanii screamed another Banshee roar.

[New Dungeon Boss Created!]

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. SHIT. I made my crazy ex a super strong Dungeon Boss!

In the distance, Britanii screeched her banshee call. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"