Dungeons Are Bad Business

After hours of fruitless searching the next morning, Vee was no closer to figuring out the reason why the ghosts were malfunctioning. Worse, some of the other rooms started breaking too. The animated books in the library room, for example, started attacking as soon as the statue started speaking for the first time, and the tank ghosts in the final two rooms of the first floor began ripping each other apart instead of aiming for the adventurer. So much for his pet theory that his being so tired had caused the minions to start acting up.

The challengers were having a great time on their runs, because the first floor being much easier meant that the rest of the dungeon was too. Getting through the second floor was less painful when you hadn’t had to really fight your way there, and Alforde wasn’t nearly as effective against enemies that still had plenty of stamina left when they made it to his arena.

Vee clenched his teeth as he watched his friend’s sixth straight bout that day. The big salamander [Shaman] clapped his hands together and summoned a totem out of the ground near the edge of the platform. The totem’s eyes flashed yellow and Alforde slid to a stop a few feet away from the adventurer. As if drugged, the armorsoul turned and attacked the totem with all of his might. Just like the last three times this had happened, the [Dungeon Champion] smashed the totem into smithereens, only for his real foe to leap forward and kick him off the edge of the platform, claiming victory.

Vee swore and slammed both fists down on his desk. That was Alforde’s third straight loss and as the triumphant [Shaman] walked down the little path to collect his prize, Vee decided to go ahead and close the dungeon again.

“I tried to warn you earlier,” Reginald said as Vee stood up to go refund the remaining adventurers and apologize once again. When he saw the [Dungeon Master]’s murderous expression though, he didn’t say anything further.

Furious and frustrated, Vee didn’t offer any discounts on future runs and told the adventurers to get lost, more or less. After tossing them their coins, Vee watched them leave with his arms folded across his chest.

[Intimidating Presence +1]

By the time Vee made it back up to his office – how he hated those stairs! – Alforde was already sitting on the floor with his head almost on his chest and his arms resting on his knees. Looking up at the sound of Vee’s footsteps, Alforde’s eyes dimmed a little bit and he returned to his sulk. “I’m sorry, Vee,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. The adventurers are all just a little bit too fast or a little bit too strong.”

Seeing his friend look so downcast quenched most of the flames of Vee’s temper. He walked over and sat down next to Alforde, clapping his [Right Hand Man] on the pauldron. It was covered in small, sharp spikes now and Vee drew his hand back right away with a wince. He looked at his palm. No wound. That was good. Gotta be more careful about those. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. The dungeon isn’t working properly, and I haven’t been able to fix it.”

“But I let you down! It’s my job to make sure that adventurers that make it through the rest of the dungeon don’t get the treasure and I failed. What sort of [Dungeon Champion] loses three fights in a row?”

He’s doing this because he thinks I’m mad at him. Vee felt the rest of his frustration fizzle away and stood back up. But how can I show him I’m not without it seeming like I’m patronizing him?

Like many things, making people feel better wasn’t Vee’s strong suit, but he was going to try his best. “You didn’t let me down, buddy. You fought well today, but you came up a little short. It happens. I promise you, I’ll get things working again and then you’ll be back to your winning ways before you know it.”

Alforde didn’t say anything, but he relaxed a little bit. His armor creaked and groaned as he stood back up, and after another few minutes of pacing back and forth, he seemed more like himself.

[Leadership +1]

With one issue taken care of, Vee turned his attention back to his bigger problem: the malfunctioning dungeon.

“Dheart, can you analyze the room orders again? I want to see if there’s some sort of corruption or something like that affecting them that I missed earlier.”

While Dheart worked analyzing the lists of commands in each room for any traces of things that would cause them to stop working, Vee deactivated all of the dungeon minions, traps, and doors, put Reginald on and went down into Crestheart. The first room hadn’t had any problems yet, but Vee still got down on his hands and knees to check the spawn points by hand. Crawling across the dented, cracked floor – the adventurers had done more damage to the place than Vee had realized – he spoke the invocation that would cause the spawn points to appear.

Like most things that actually made the dungeon function properly, the spawn points were small sigils painted on the ground in a special ink that was invisible most of the time and wouldn’t get rubbed away if a bunch of people walked on it. It was still susceptible to being damaged by skills, but everyday wear and tear wasn’t supposed to cause any degradation. Vee had drawn them himself, and he didn’t find any issues in the first room. That was good, but it was also expected, so Vee stood up and went to the next room, where the problems had first started.

Here too, the spawn points were intact and seemed exactly as they should be. There was a tiny bit of ectoplasm dust around them, but that shouldn’t have caused any issues and Vee cleaned it up right away. The rest of the room checks were no different, and so Vee returned to the first room with one avenue of inquiry exhausted. He did another sweep, this time with [Third Sight] active. Maybe some sort of new spirit – a collector? An alpha ghost*? – was forming in the dungeon and distracting Vee’s minions from their orders. That’d be annoying, but Vee had a way of dealing with such a problem: [Banish]. He scanned every nook and cranny of every room, but found no signs of any attempted usurpation. Just cracks in the walls and a few dimpled bits of floor. Another idea that didn’t pan out.

“What do you think, Reginald?” Vee asked.

Reginald was quiet for a moment and then tightened his brim a little bit. “With all this ectoplasm and the sheer amount of emotionally charged people passing through these rooms, I thought we were going to find a competing ghost or spirit for sure. I don’t have any other ideas of what it could be though, so why don’t we go check back in with Dheart? Maybe there’s a problem with the room orders after all.”

Vee nodded. He was disappointed that he hadn’t found anything. Even though he’d already done this multiple times, he’d truly hoped that this time things would be different.

“Seems like as good a plan as any.”

But alas, since this was apparently just one of those days where the universe was saying “Screw You!” over and over, Dheart had no leads. All of the orders were exactly the same as they were when they’d been written, and there was nothing that indicated any of them had been tampered with. Vee didn’t know how such a thing could have even happened in the first place – the orders were stored inside of Dheart – but that was that.

“Master, might I recommend reaching out to the union? They have several [Dungeon Support Representatives] that specialize in diagnosing and repairing dungeon defects. I am…ninety-five percent confident that one of them could help you resolve this issue.”

“For a hefty fee, I’m sure,” Vee grumbled, remembering the ultimate takeaway of every diagnostic customer support experience he’d ever had: a much lighter wallet.

“Not at all,” Dheart said, perpetually chipper. “There won’t be any cost for diagnostics or repairs. One of the benefits of being a union member is free support in situations like this. Would you like me to put in the request?”

Well, well, well. Look at that! Union dues being used for member benefits, what a concept! “That’s fine then,” Vee said. “How long will it take for them to arrive?”

Dheart hummed and beeped, and when it next spoke, its voice was replaced by….smooth jazz?? Or, that’s what Vee thought it was. The quality of the sound wasn’t great and he didn’t know a ton about music.

“Thank you so much for contacting the Union of Dungeon Masters,” a woman’s voice said. She didn’t sound particularly sincere. “Your request is important to us. At this time, all of our available [Representatives] are assisting other [Dungeon Masters]. Remain connected if you’re fine waiting, or try again later.”

Vee shook his head and the music stopped. “Do not fear, I will try again later,” the dungeon heart said. “The line is active all the time, so I’m sure there will be an opening eventually. Leave it to me, Master.”

“Thought I told you to call me Vee,” Vee said as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. With Vee too upset to go and work on his lab, the friends had nothing to do and returned to Sculla’s.

Two days of staying closed later, Vee and Alforde were out walking when Vee caught sight of the newspaper and dropped his half-eaten donut. He grabbed a copy from the stack and yanked it open, cursing as he read the article and his various frustrations bubbled out of control.

“Boy, someone at the newspaper really doesn’t like you,” Reginald said as Vee crumpled up the paper and threw it on the ground. “And look! They spelled your name wrong too!”

“I swear, I’m going to burn that newspaper office down to the ground!” Vee growled.

[Congratulations, by getting so worked up about a newspaper article, you are now a Guy-who-takes-things-WAY-too-far, Level 2!]

[Your Escalate skill is now more powerful!]

Some people were nearby and giving him funny looks, but Vee didn’t care. He looked down wistfully at his dropped donut. He reached towards it, as if contemplating picking it up off the ground.

“He’s not being serious,” Alforde hurried to tell them. “It’s been a rough few days.”

“Bet it has been,” one the bystanders – a salamander who looked to be about Vee’s age. “Being such an incompetent [Dungeon Master] has to be taxing!”

Vee’s mouth moved but no words came out, and his hands clenched into fists over and over again. Eventually he made a noise that sounded a little bit like ‘gluhwhu’, but that was it.

Reginald, naturally, told the salamander where to go and how to get there, and the salamander snarled forward, raising his claws to fight.

“Yeah! Let’s go! Bring it on! Let’s see what you got, tailbreath!”

The salamander drew closer and Reginald suddenly seemed to realize that he was simply a hat atop the head of a person who really, really sucked at fighting, because the spirit squealed, shook, and cried: “Deal with him Alforde, deal with him!”

Glaring back at the hat, Alforde stepped between Vee and the salamander. For a moment he seemed to grow taller, and his happy orange eyes turned hellfire red. The armorsoul shifted Hammy so that he was holding it with both hands and stood still. His intimidating presence crackled through the air like lightning, and the salamander stopped dead in his tracks. He backed up.

“This is stupid. What sort of insult even is tailbreath, anyways,” the salamander muttered as he stalked away. Alforde remained where he was for a moment, and then stood back up and glowered at Vee’s hat.

“Do you ever think before opening that felty mouth of yours? That could have been really bad.”

“Yeah, for the salamander. Did you see his arms? You would have broken him like a twig! Would have served him right too!”

Alforde shook his head. Vee was still just standing there, his eyes a little glassy. Alforde looked down at the newspaper and picked it up. It couldn’t be that bad, right?

DUNGEON IN DISARRAY! ADVENTURERS FURIOUS!

Mysterious lights near Eastown gate!

The second headline seemed like it might have been interesting, but Alforde only looked at the first article since it was probably the one that had Vee all bent out of shape.

Oar’s Crest –

Nobody knows for certain when Crestheart will reopen. Since Monksday, adventurers haven’t been able to challenge the city’s dungeon due to the fact that the ghostly minions are malfunctioning. [Dungeon Master] Vee Vails has been unable to fix the issue, and members of the Oar’s Crest adventurer’s guild are starting to wonder if the young man is even capable of his position.

“I just think he’s not doing a very good job,” says Amantha Rues, a [Conjurer] who was trapped in the dungeon for almost half an hour due to a failure in one Crestheart’s rooms.

Council member Michael Seidon also worries for Crestheart’s future. “We cannot have a dungeon that isn’t safe and open to adventurers. My staff is working with Mister Vails to get to the bottom of the problem as quickly as possible.”

Alforde didn’t bother reading the rest. He folded up the newspaper and took it to the nearest trash can, which was overflowing with other garbage. “Looks like another month without any crosswords,” he said sadly as he carefully balanced the paper atop a discarded bag. At this rate, he’d lose his touch for them.

Knowing that his friend wouldn’t be going anywhere soon, Alforde went back into the bakery and bought Vee another donut.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said as he pressed the chocolate-and-sprinkles-covered pastry into Vee’s hands. “The [Dungeon Support Representative] will be here tomorrow, and he’ll figure out the problem right away. Cheer up, alright? This might even be a blessing in disguise.”

At the smell of sugar, Vee seemed to snap back to reality. He shook his head and took a big bite of the donut. He smiled.

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s going to be fine. This is just growing pains. We’ll get this fixed and reopen. Let’s go ahead and go back to Sculla’s. I might as well spend the rest of the day working on the ghost hands. I think I’ve figured out how to make them a bit more durable. Maybe if I’m lucky I can have a few sets made before the next adventurer attempts.”

“We should use that [Walking Walls] skill of yours too,” Reginald said. “It’ll be a while before the slimes grow big enough for us to use them the way we originally wanted to, but we can still make some tweaks to Crestheart before then. What if we made a spinning room?”

And so, their spirits lifted, the friends resumed their walk, brainstorming even more ideas to improve the dungeon.

*Or Piper forbid, a sigma ghost!

Character Sheets:

Vee Vales:

Primary Class: Ghost Maestro (Locksmagister University), Level 19

Secondary Class: Dungeon Master (Oar’s Crest), Level 7

Tertiary Class: Guy-Who-Takes-Things-WAY-Too-Far (Self), Level 2 (+1)

Might: 8

Wit: 26

Faith: 15

Adventurousness: 7

Ambition: 7

Plotting: 9

Charisma: 2

Devious Mind: 12

Leadership: 8 (+1)

Guts: 3

Intimidating Presence: 4 (+1)

Citizenship: 4

Alforde Armorsoul:

Primary Class: Hammer Afficionado (Self), Level 14

Secondary Class: Right-hand man (Vee Vales), Level 10 (+1)

Tertiary Class: Dungeon Champion (Oar’s Crest), Level 8

Additional Class: Clunker (Vee Vales), Level 5 (+1)

Might: 28 (-1)

Wit: 10

Faith: 24

Adventurousness (Bound – Vee Vales): 6

Endurance: 9 (+1)

Intimidating Presence: 8 (+1)

Heart of a Champion: 2

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 1

Vigilance: 1

Reginald:

Primary Class: Core Spirit (Unknown), Level ???

Secondary Class: Loudmouth (Self), Level 32 (+1)

Tertiary Class: Majordomo (Vee Vales), Level 5

Might: 1

Wit: 25

Faith: 3

Ambition: 23

Greed: 18

Deceptiveness: 31

E$@$: $%

[-------------------------]

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 1