Dungeons Are Bad Business

Vee shivered in his chair. He’d gulped down three cups of piping hot coffee and taken a hot shower, but neither had helped him chase away the chill that had settled into his bones. He hated trying to function on no sleep. Part of his brain protested his every movement, begging him to go lay down, while another screamed at him at the top of its metaphorical lungs that he needed to get up and RUN RIGHT NOW.

He and Alforde had lugged the slimes down to Crestheart as soon as the gate opened for the day. It had been horrendous work, but the boxes were lighter than they looked, and Vee had carried two the entire way by himself.* It’d given him another point of might, and he was happy to take every single one he could get.

Closing his eyes felt divine. Everything else faded, and started slipping away…

“Vee, wake up. Open your eyes, Vee. Don’t fall asleep on me now, Vee. We’ve got a problem in room two, Vee. Vee!”

Caught in that mostly asleep but barely awake state where he was aware that he was in his office – and simultaneously running through an empty field he’d played in as a child with his brother – Vee was dimly aware of the hat’s voice, but he ignored it. For now, all he cared about was chasing after his brother, who’d just appeared in front of his eyes. Vee looked down at his knobby knees, and saw that he was wearing his favorite pair of shorts. They had flames on both legs! He ran as fast as he could.

“Emory! I’m going to get you!”

Vee’s brother, four years Vee’s senior and with their mother’s golden hair, laughed and sprinted away far quicker than Vee could have ever hoped to match. It didn’t matter though, Vee laughed and kept following.

Though, as he did so, Vee was sure that someone kept calling his name. Make up, Vee. Take up, Vee. Vee! No matter where he looked though, he couldn’t see anybody else in the field. Oh well. Still not really important.

Emory seemed to get bored of running away and turned around. Wheezing a little bit, Vee ran up and slapped his brother’s arm. He was grinning as wide as he could.

“See? I got you!”

Emory’s face, which had been blurry up until now came into clear focus and Vee shrank back at the terrible rage painting his brother’s features. Pushing Vee away, Emory said, “There’s a problem in room two, you sleeping idiot! Wake up!”

Vee’s eyes snapped open and he lurched forward. Disoriented, he twisted his head back and forth and realized where he was. That was a weird dream. Reginald was glaring at him, his mouth hanging wide open and his brow – for lack of better term – furrowed. “Gawain’s balls, boss! I’ve been trying to wake you up for the last ten minutes!”

Cursing, Vee pinched himself to chase away the last vestiges of sleep and looked down at the glowing blue image keeping track of the dungeon run. He didn’t see any problems. The adventurer was standing in the center of the room and the ghosts were…stuck in the corners? Okay, that was a little weird, but it didn’t really constitute a problem.

“Why doesn’t she just go over the corners of the room and destroy the ghosts?”

“That’s the issue,” said Reginald. “Keep watching. You’ll see.”

Sure enough, the adventurer stayed right where she was. In fact, she didn’t really seem to be moving at all. The [Dungeon Master] squinted, but the image of the room was fairly fuzzy and he couldn’t really see fine details particularly well.

“Dheart, any way you can, like, get me a better view of the adventurer?”

The dungeon heart made a few belching noises and wriggled a little bit, but sure enough, the image slowly zoomed in. With this improved perspective, Vee could see that the woman’s body had a grayish pallor with glassy bands of black and white running across her arms and neck. Her eyes looked as if they’d been frozen open.

“She doesn’t look like she’s breathing, boss.”

Vee sucked in a breath. His [Majordomo] was right. Neither the adventurer’s chest nor stomach were moving, but as Vee watched her with mounting horror, he noticed that there was a small crack on her shoulder. He exhaled slowly, feeling a flicker of hope that he wasn’t about to have to deal with his first dungeon death. There was never a good time for such a thing to happen, but today would be especially bad, given his fatigue.

“What’s her class again? She looks like she’s turned to stone. Maybe she’s using some sort of skill.”

Reginald looked over her papers. “Looks like she’s a [Conjurer]. Level 12. No affinity listed.”

Rubbing his temples, Vee tried to remember what he could about [Conjurer] skills. As one of the basic classes for magic users, he’d studied them a little bit back at the academy, before his acceptance to the [Ghost Maestro] program.

It’d been too long though since he’d last looked at the expected growth chart, so he couldn’t remember all of the abilities that a [Conjurer] could learn. He was pretty sure [Petrify] was a level 20 skill, and even if the adventurer had known it, only an idiot would target themselves with such an ability, right? He didn’t think the adventurer was an idiot, but he’d long since grown cynical enough to not rule it out entirely.

Spinning on the table, Reginald peered over at Dheart. “Dheart, can you check the adventurer’s status?”

The dungeon heart’s chipper voice responded immediately. “Of course, [Majordomo]. Based on the colors and patterns of the stone’s grain, I believe that the adventurer is using [Onyx Bide], a subskill of [Statue Form]. [Onyx Bide] is a defensive ability, where the user encases themselves in stone which absorbs a percentage of damage taken. Eventually, once a threshold tied to the skill’s level is reached, the stone barrier shatters outwards, dealing area of effect damage to all enemies nearby, increasing with the amount of damage received before breaking. And do not worry about her safety. Though it does not look like it, she is still breathing.”

“Well, that’s good,” Reginald said. “I’m pretty sure I see the issue now. She’s softlocked!”

Vee looked over and raised an eyebrow. “Softlocked?”

“Stuck. Stalemated. Most guard skills tend to work like counter attacks. They remain active until their conditions for ending are met. Usually, that means getting hit. Normally, this isn’t a problem in a dungeon because dungeons are full of monsters that are constantly attacking you, but the ghosts in the room aren’t working properly. So long as they don’t attack her, she’ll stay trapped in her skill and won’t be able to get free.”

Vee nodded. Okay, that was a solvable problem. “Let’s go hit her, then. I’ll call over the heavy section of my orchestra and they’ll have her out in no time.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Reginald said. “We don’t know how powerful the counterattack will be. Depending on how highly leveled her skill is, the counterattack may be strong enough to destroy your fiend. You don’t want to risk a member of your orchestra, do you?”

That was true. Vee had invested far too much refined ectoplasm into his orchestra to go and throw parts of it away carelessly. He’d redirect the minions in the room instead, so he drew out his ghost baton and hurried down the stairs.

He didn’t feel like going in through the front door, so he decided to test his newest skill instead. Reaching up, Vee put his hand on the first room’s outside wall and closed his eyes. “[Walking Walls].”

Energy flowed through the wall and it separated from the rest of the building. Tiny feet sprouted underneath it, and like he was conducting a spirit, Vee directed the wall to take a few steps sideways. Once he was finished with his errand, he’d go back out the same way, so he kept the skill active, though he could already feel the pressure of using it building behind his eyes.

Since it had already been cleared for this run, the first room didn’t spawn any ghosts, and Vee was able to walk through the door without a problem. Holding his baton aloft, he stepped into the second room and pointed at the nearest ghost.

“[Would You Kindly] attack the adventurer in the center of the room?”

He sensed the minion acknowledge the order, but it didn’t stop bumping into the wall. Vee tried again, and once again it didn’t work. Something was wrong with the ghosts, clearly, but Vee didn’t have the mental processing power to diagnose it just then. He was still cold as heck and wanted nothing more than to sleep. But first, he had to free this adventurer from her own stupid skill. Something, something, do it yourself.

Pinching his thumb and forefinger together, Vee activated [Shape Ectoplasm] and started rolling the energy into a ball. It grew and he added more and more, until he was holding a sphere almost as big as his head. Another bit of effort hardened it so that it was like a stone itself, but much lighter. “Hey! [Conjurer]! I don’t know if you can hear me in there, but I’m the [Dungeon Master] and I’m going to get you out, okay?”

A muffled series of short sounds came from inside the stone adventurer. Probably just the adventurer expressing gratitude. Definitely not cursing him out or anything.

Okay, it was show time. He could do this. Moving back to the door so that he could dodge behind it once the shell was broken, Vee took careful aim and lobbed the ball at the adventurer. He missed by about four feet.

Cursing, he scurried over and picked up the ball once again. His second throw hit and sent a series of cracks through the stone shell, but didn’t break it, and so Vee retrieved his ball once again and made a third throw. There was an explosion and shards of stone went in every direction. Staring at one the size of his fist embedded in the wall next to the door, Vee was glad he’d thought ahead and taken cover.

The adventurer roared, a combination of triumph and primal rage, and stormed over to where Vee was standing. She was a little bit taller than he was – not that that was saying much –, with a slim figure and long brown hair. Her eyes were almost glowing with fury, and she crossed her arms across her chest. She loomed over him as best she could.

“What kind of dungeon are you running here? I was trapped in that skill for Piper knows how long, since your stupid ghosts suddenly became pacifists. What’s the big idea? Is this some sort of trap room?”

That was interesting. Vee hadn’t thought about having a room where there were monsters to fight but they deliberately didn’t attack the adventurer. He could see it having a sort of hide and seek atmosphere. That also made him think that there were a bunch of different room types he hadn’t ever thought about before. With time, he could even mix them into –

[Plotting +1]

“Well? Aren’t you going to say anything, you blue-haired shrimp?”

He shelved the thoughts for later. Right now, he needed to do damage control.

“I’m sorry, that definitely wasn’t supposed to happen,” Vee said in his best placating voice. “If you’d like to complete your run you’re free to do so, but if not I’d be happy to escort you outside and refund your entry fee in full.”

“Take me outside. I’m never coming back to this stupid dungeon, and I’m going to tell all my friends not to come either. You’re an awful [Dungeon Master].”

Vee winced – was that really necessary? – but let the insult pass without response. He’d heard it often enough from his father: When a customer is pissed off at you, all you can do is apologize and get out of the situation as quickly as possible. Don’t bandy words with them because even if they’re wrong, they’re right.

“This way, please,” he said as he led her over to the opening in the wall. Once they were both through, Vee directed the wall to return to its original position and deactivated [Walking Walls]. His head felt better right away, but the adventurer was still glaring at him. If only he had a skill for that.

“If you’ll just come up to the office with me I’ll go ahead and get your fleurs.”

“I’ll do no such thing,” the woman snapped. She had her hands on her hips. “I’m staying right here, where I know that I won’t have to worry about getting trapped or hurt.”

Rolling his eyes, Vee went and got her refund. “Maybe the fiends will strike during the day,” he muttered under his breath.

After an hour of troubleshooting, Vee had to admit that he didn’t know what was causing the ghosts to not attack. There was nothing wrong with their spawn points, or with the orders for the room that he could see, but no matter what he did, they simply walked to the corners of the room and stayed there, bumping into the walls.

[You have been given a quest: Figure out why the ghosts in the second room of Crestheart have stopped working properly. Would you like to accept it?]

Seeing as he needed the ghosts to work for the dungeon to function properly, Vee accepted the quest without hesitation.

[Quest: Figure out why the ghosts in the second room of Crestheart have stopped working properly.]

[Dangers]: None

[Reward for completion: Three Shards of Chaos]

Three shards of chaos?! Hot diggity dog, that was incredible! Or, maybe not incredible, but pretty good all the same.

For now though, he had to go talk to the adventurers. In the grand scheme of things, having one room not working was far from an emergency that required him to close down for the day, but giving adventurers a free room to clear didn’t seem like a winning plan either.

He went out to the front of the dungeon, fully aware of how messy his hair and coat were, not to mention his bloodshot eyes. He’d been down on his knees crawling around and was a little out of breath, so he waited a little bit before speaking.

“We’re having a minor technical difficulty in the dungeon,” he said. “A room on the first floor is malfunctioning. As such, I’m going to have to ask you all to reschedule your runs for another time after we figure out the problem and get it fixed.”

A hubbub of protests broke out.

“What do you mean, reschedule? I’ve been waiting all day for my run!”

“You’re going to give us our money back, right?”

“I knew this dungeon was crap!”

Vee almost had to shout to be heard over the din, but he eventually managed to get the angry adventurers to calm down.

“You will all receive full refunds, of course. Additionally, the next time you come to Crestheart, you’ll receive a twenty-five percent discount on your floor fees.”

That seemed to placate everyone, and Vee spent the next few minutes recording the names of each adventurer so that they could receive their discount. Once they dispersed, Vee shook himself out, and went back into Crestheart to resume work on diagnosing the problem.

It’d already been too long of a day, and it looked like it was only getting longer.

*Over two trips, with plenty of breaks of course.

Character Sheets:

Vee Vales:

Primary Class: Ghost Maestro (Locksmagister University), Level 19

Secondary Class: Dungeon Master (Oar’s Crest), Level 7

Tertiary Class: Guy-Who-Takes-Things-WAY-Too-Far (Self), Level 1

Might: 8 (+1)

Wit: 26

Faith: 15

Adventurousness: 7

Ambition: 7

Plotting: 9 (+1)

Charisma: 2

Devious Mind: 12

Leadership: 7

Guts: 3

Intimidating Presence: 3

Citizenship: 4

Alforde Armorsoul:

Primary Class: Hammer Afficionado (Self), Level 14

Secondary Class: Right-hand man (Vee Vales), Level 9

Tertiary Class: Dungeon Champion (Oar’s Crest), Level 8

Additional Class: Clunker (Vee Vales), Level 4

Might: 28

Wit: 10

Faith: 24

Adventurousness (Bound – Vee Vales): 6

Endurance: 8

Intimidating Presence: 7

Heart of a Champion: 2

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 1

Vigilance: 1

Reginald:

Primary Class: Core Spirit (Unknown), Level ???

Secondary Class: Loudmouth (Self), Level 31 (+1)

Tertiary Class: Majordomo (Vee Vales), Level 5 (+1)

Might: 1

Wit: 25

Faith: 3

Ambition: 23

Greed: 18

Deceptiveness: 31 (-1)

E$@$: $%

[-------------------------]

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 1