Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

We watched Sasha walk among the stone buildings of the Old Capital. The streets were cobbled, and the buildings were single-story affairs made of rock and gray tile. A thin white powder accumulated in corners. It was dusty snow. Sasha’s boots squeaked every time she landed to walk a few steps between bursts of quick flight.

The Old Capital could have been an ordinary if slightly stony abandoned Japanese town, if not for the fact that the city was in an immense cave. The roads went between pillars of rock that were three hundred feet wide. Every space between two of these pillars would have been the biggest cavern I’d ever seen. The spans between them were about a thousand feet across. However, there were dozens of pillars in rows, so that the place felt more like a sci-fi megastructure than some abandoned city for demons. That this thing could just lurk several thousand feet underneath Japan and never be noticed was terrifying in its own way.

It had been abandoned because it was too small.

Was there a honeycomb of supernatural beings suffusing the Earth? Just looking at the pillars made me shiver.

“This isn’t what I expected,” I said. Sasha couldn’t hear me, but she spoke a second later.

“It’s cold as fuck,” said Sasha. We could see her breath as she slapped her arms. “You should have told me to bring a coat.” She flew along the ground for a few dozen more yards, then landed to walk again. “I see.”

“Marisa didn’t need a coat, last time,” explained Patchouli for my benefit. “She flew through here fairly rapidly.”

“Doesn’t seem safe,” I said. “What if she hit a pillar?”

“It was brighter then, too.”

The town was dark in multiple senses. It was in a giant cavern, true, but the buildings were also abandoned. The streets had a buildup of dirt and grime within the frost. There were no lights in any windows. I wondered if it had been unused for so long that anything wooden had simply decayed. More likely, it had been stolen by oni and burned as firewood.

But far and away, there was light coming from one of the boulevards of the Old Capital. Sasha was walking in that general direction.

“Tell me about this place,” said Sasha. She shivered and tightly crossed her arms. Her crystal was leading her onward, and she leapt through the air to try to go faster.

Nazrin was frowning and concentrating, so she didn’t say anything. Patchouli used silent telepathy until I reminded her that she’d have to repeat for me. She set down her book, and spoke aloud as she communicated with Sasha.

The Old Capital was the former headquarters of Hell. Sasha was walking through the top layer of Old Hell, a place that had been abandoned when it became too crowded with the damned. The houses were for high-ranking demons. The oni that lived there now were unemployed squatters, demons that weren’t as proficient or motivated in torture. Part of the logic of the move had been to do some downsizing, apparently. Like any corporation, Hell had become bloated with people who weren’t very motivated at work.

New Hell was far beneath Old Hell, closer to the center of the Earth where it was hotter. Patchouli said that it would be bad news if the artifact we sought were that deep because the heat and pressure would destroy our bodies. Then we’d likely join the damned as vengeful spirits. The buildup of spirits like that would eventually force Hell to move again.

Part of the reason that Old Hell itself was so cold was that there were so many vengeful spirits still there.

“Wait, vengeful spirits are pollution?” I asked.

“Just so.”

“And the cold they emit is so intense it forced demons to abandon Hell.” I knew from Youmu and Yuyuko that ghosts and phantoms were cold.

“No,” said Patchouli. “Vengeful spirits are hot. That is the easiest way to identify them.”

“Then why is it freezing?” I asked as Sasha’s teeth chattered. She stumbled.

“They emit heat that they absorb from their surroundings. They aren’t perfectly efficient, however, so some of it is destroyed.”

My head reeled from the unphysical nature of the physical explanation she had given. Energy couldn’t be created or destroyed, and heat wasn’t something you could scoop up like dirty snow and stuff down your shirt. “So all the damned souls are hot as heck, but make things cold?” I asked.

“No,” said Patchouli. “Only the vengeful spirits are hot. They are souls that had their bodies stolen before they could be judged, whereas phantoms and spirits are something else. Anyway, I’m trying to assist Miss Conti, so please be quiet.”

“Sorry,” I said.

The deadliness of the cold made me want to make a joke about Drone Distribution Center Alpha. It was a place in the Outside World that was famous for its poor workers rights and for causing Amazon to pay over two billion dollars in damages when it was finally shut down. I refrained from saying anything sarcastic. Patchouli wouldn’t have gotten it anyway.

I needed to learn more about vengeful spirits.

“Demon!” I said. “Bring me a book about the types of ghosts in Hell.”

A koakuma leapt to carry out my order. I was still getting used to telling them what to do. This was an anger-type, based upon the subtle lack of cleavage.

The image showed Sasha had entered battle with a group of fairies. There were no plants down there, so I assumed they were a gnome type. They made an obscene gesture at Sasha, so she hit them with green blades at close range.

“What does this mean?” asked Nazrin, flipping me off.

“It’s an insult.”

“I know that much,” she said. “But what does it mean?”

“Uh, it means you should leave your car on autopilot because you aren’t proficient at driving,” I said. That was the only way I’d ever seen it used.

“Strange that gnomes know it,” replied Nazrin with a frown. To change the topic, I took a chance on Patchouli having the bandwidth to answer more of my questions.

“What about your demons?” I asked the librarian. “Are they from… New Hell?”

“They are,” said Patchouli.

“Oh…” said Nazrin. She looked around for a koakuma, and one obligingly stepped out from the shadows and gave a short wave. “I thought they were from Makai.”

“What is that?” I asked.

“It’s like Hell,” said Nazrin, “Except it isn’t underground, there are only demons there, and it’s disconnected from the belief systems of humans.”

“So not like Hell at all,” said Patchouli.

“It is also called Hell,” replied Nazrin. “And it’s full of demons.”

“No it isn’t.”

“This is all very confusing,” I said. “What do you mean, ‘disconnected from the belief systems of humans?’”

“It exists whether humans believe it exists, or not,” said Patchouli. “An alternate dimension, you might say. A parallel world full of magic and monsters.” My cosmology was going to need some updating.

“An alternate dimension?” I asked. Then, the obvious followup: “Could it be colonized?”

“Men,” said Patchouli while shaking her head. “Did you miss the part where I said it was full of monsters already? Not much more is known about it, because everybody who goes into a portal melts and the portals themselves emit toxic gas. The air there is a miasma that turns people into monsters.” She thought something to Sasha before continuing. “Only fools of the utmost degree go there willingly, and it’s dangerous to learn too much about the realm because some of the things from there want to come here.”

“Okay,” I said, making a note. Sasha finished her battle, so I held back my questions. My roommate landed and continued walking.

We watched her walk for several minutes. I couldn’t hold back my curiosity any longer.

“Knowing about them is inherently dangerous,” I said.

“Yes,” said Patchouli.

“So they are memetic threats.”

“In a way,” she said. “More accurately, they can exploit a cognitive tether to step into our world. Knowing isn’t inherently dangerous, just like unlocking your door at night isn’t inherently dangerous.”

“You guys have locks?” I asked.

“Yes, but we never use them,” she said. “Remilia loves hosting visitors. And serving them.”

“Let’s talk about Makai a bit more,” I said. “If knowing things about it is dangerous, how do we know anything about it at all?” The information had to have reached her somehow.

“You are not a very wise man, Mister Thorne,” said Patchouli while shaking her head. “I’ve read about the citizens of Makai extensively. Enough, in fact, to cause demons from that realm to manifest. The Mistress protected me from their attacks as I studied.”

“Ah, so it’s only dangerous at first.”

“No, it’s continuously dangerous. I had to destroy my memories of them to get them to stop appearing around every corner.” She turned a page.

“Are you sure the koakuma aren’t demons of Makai?” asked Nazrin.

“Mice appear unexpectedly, perhaps they are also Makai denizens?”

“No need to be mean,” said the mouse woman.

“Oh!” I said. “That’s why you have a mnemnovore ready at a moment’s notice! In case you learn something about them!”

“...among other reasons,” she said. “Sasha, are you doing alright?”

My shivering roommate nodded. I realized that while I had been distracted thinking about all the types of demons and alternate dimensions, she’d gone from shivering to quaking and stumbling forward. Her teeth were chattering and she was breathing in pained gasps.

“Wh-where are they?” she asked. Then she lifted into the air.

“I’ve told Sasha to seek out a vengeful spirit,” said Patchouli. “When I last watched Miss Kirisame fly through the Old Capital, she didn’t struggle this much, but then, she was pursued by vengeful spirits and engaged in battle with them. Their radiant heat might have been the reason she could withstand the cold.”

“I thought they were cold,” said Nazrin.

“It depends on how close you are to them,” Patchouli explained with a sigh.

“We’re going to need better winter gear,” I said.

“It won't help as much as you might imagine,” said Patchouli. “Magical effects like the chill of spirits aren’t stopped by intervening clothes.”

Sasha soared toward the top of the cavern, several hundred feet above the paved floor. She cast about, then started firing danmaku in random directions. Nothing approached her.

“They aren’t here!” she shouted, before her ability to fly faltered. She was forced to descend. When Sasha landed she fell to her hands and knees. She said something, but I didn’t understand it. Her speech was slurred.

“C-” started Patchouli. She finished whatever she was saying with telepathy, but Sasha didn’t respond. My roommate had stopped shivering. She stood and drunkenly stumbled toward the light for a moment.

She fell down. I thought she’d get up, but instead she curled into a fetal position.

“She’s gonna die,” said Nazrin. The crystal pointed past one more street and toward a wall bathed in flickering light. There were lanterns ahead. Light meant heat–Sasha had collapsed a few dozen steps away from safety.

“Come back!” shouted Patchouli. She stood up, presumably shouting it telepathically as well. Sasha didn’t move.

I got to my feet.

“Stop, Jake.”

“If I hurry–”

“We are thirty minutes away,” said Patchouli. “No amount of hurrying will work.” She was tracing lines in the air with her finger, which had begun to glow.

“Sakuya can–” I said, before remembering that the time-stopping maid had vanished with Yukari. Patchouli winced when I said her name.

“And only one of you can return at a time,” said Patchouli. “Please wait patiently.”

She drew a magical sigil around our crystal. A ring of watery blue bullets converged on the magical device. The bullets flew out at Sasha’s end, toward the street, and splattered on the wall. A moment later she did it again.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Quiet,” she said. Another burst. “Danmaku. Trying to get help from an oni.”

“That’s a terrible idea,” said Nazrin.

“Find us a better one,” I retorted. She didn’t say anything.

Patchouli kept the crystal spitting out danmaku for several minutes. Sasha’s struggles slowed. The water steamed on the stone wall. It left frost at its edges.

Finally, a youkai came to investigate the noise. When I saw it I held my breath.

The oni was dressed in furs, a primitive parka of white and brown. Two gnarled horns spiraled out of its forehead and up, higher than the wall. Its arms were thick, and black metal chains trailed behind it. It was so immense that I could see the lantern lights flicker with its footfalls. It was so covered in furs that it looked like a wooly beast.

It was staring at the half-frozen puddle of water.

Patchouli splashed it with water. It turned to look at the crystal and at Sasha. The oni took a thudding step forward, then another, growing larger in the image and making me flinch. It rubbed gloved hands together, and chains made of inch-thick iron rattled in its wake. Its bindings had been torn out at the other side.

The oni was covered head-to-foot. I couldn’t even tell what gender it was supposed to be.

“Ah, at least the meat won’t go to waste,” said Nazrin, who had dived under the table. “Sasha will keep it fed for five, maybe ten minutes.”

“Not helping,” said Patchouli. “I had hoped for a smaller one.” She switched to fire danmaku, and tried to burn the oni into submission. It didn’t work. The monster gently rolled Sasha over. It was wearing sacks over its hands, or charitably, mittens.

It bent over to look at Sasha’s face. It had large brown eyes and surprisingly pale skin, but I couldn’t see most of its face. Orange hair stuck out from under the parka.

Then the oni scooped Sasha up to carry her away. Patchouli sprayed it with water. It swung its arm and a chain whipped around, swatting the crystal out of the air like a fly. The library went dark.

—

“Go save her!” said Arnold.

“He can’t,” said Wiki, shaking his head.

“Bullshit!” said my roommate.

“I tried,” I said. “Patchouli stopped me before I could leave. She tied me up with magic, and we talked about possibilities, and she made me promise to wait until tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a stupid promise,” he said. “Let’s go!”

“It’s not,” I said. “Sasha needs to be able to warp back if she comes to her senses. If she does that, though, I won’t be able to get out myself.” I reminded him that only one of us could escape at a time.

Arnold was breathing heavily. “You were told never to spend a night underground,” he said.

“That’s right,” I said.

“So tomorrow will be too late!”

“That’s right,” I said, but softer.

“You…” he stared at me. “You’re leaving her to die?”

“Of course I’m not.” I pulled a crystal out of the bag. “Patchouli’s going to guide me as I fly around Human Town. Remilia is away and can’t be reached, so I’m going to go beseech Reimu for help, then Doctor Yagokoro, then any other youkai we can find.”

“Good,” said Arnold. “How can I help?

“It’s Youmu’s shift right now, yeah?”

“It is,” said Wiki.

“I’ll go find her,” said Arnold. He accidentally slammed the door on his way out, leaving Wiki and I in the dorm.

“I hope she accepts,” I said.

“She won’t,” said Wiki. “There are almost four thousand people at Human Town, and only one deep underground. And I do mean ‘almost.’ We’ve had other disappearances.” I went to the door. “We can’t spare resources right now, to look for one person.”

“I can’t think about that now,” I said.

“But they all can,” he said. “They have a duty.” I slammed the door too.

Wiki was right. I couldn’t find Reimu; she was maintaining the boundary. Youmu cried as Arnold shouted at her, but she wouldn’t leave until her shift was done. Yagokoro angrily sent me away. I battled Reisen, and when I lost she compelled me to leave and stop bothering youkai. The compulsion lasted five minutes.

Toyosatomimi said that the police couldn’t be spared. Byakuren said that Sasha would overcome her own challenges or not. I didn’t even bother asking Rinnosuke, because he couldn’t fly.

The sun set, and as Marisa arrived five minutes late, it was Youmu who finally flew off to save Sasha.

—

Youmu came back ninety minutes later. She was alone.

“I’m sorry,” said the white-haired swordswoman.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I was compelled to leave.”

“By who?”

“The youkai of the underground.” Her face was hard. “I did my best, but the oni were too numerous. They repelled me. Now, I must rest.” She didn’t explain further before leaving our doorstep, presumably to go home and sleep, or maybe to go home and cry.

That’s what I was doing.

—

I left as early as possible the next day. I hadn’t slept well, but there was nothing to be done about that. I flew a few hundred feet at a time, charged up on the fear of my other roommates who were even less powerful than myself. I carried a bag full of winter clothes that a fairy had thrown in my face.

Nazrin and Patchouli quietly supported me as I systematically repelled fairies on the way to the Fantastic Blowhole.

I descended quickly, dodging most fairies and striking those who got in my way. I wasn’t hit by any of them. At the bottom I approached the Bridge That People No Longer Cross, Parsee’s home. She was there. The youkai of jealousy still wanted to fight me, which was infuriating.

Even more infuriating was the fact that, even with Patchouli’s called warnings, I lost.