Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

One possible way of dealing with an ambush that you know about is ambushing the ambusher. I was getting very tired of Kurodani Yamame interjecting on our battles with Parsee.

I flew to the spider’s den. I could see the youkai’s brass buttons reflecting in the dim light as I approached. The deep chasm beneath me was still very unsettling, as was going near a wall. What if I started to fall uncontrollably again? It took constant effort not to descend; it felt like I was holding myself on a pullup bar, or perhaps like I was balancing a feather on my fingertip.

When I got near the wall the reflections vanished. I fired some vectors to light up the scenery. There was a web-strewn opening in the side of the cavern. It was a hole, about two feet across, with finger-thick ropes of webbing hanging between the walls.

Don’t go into Miss Kurodani’s hole, came Patchouli’s voice through the crystal.

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” I said, letting gravity pull me away. “I recognize a trap when I see it.”

You would become tangled in the webs, and succumb to disease and malaise. Yamame had the power to make people sick; it would make sense for her to trap me and just wait for her power to finish me off, if she was feeling murderous. Sasha insists that I tell you her ‘hole is diseased’ and that ‘you didn’t bring protection.’ Incidentally, venereal disease isn’t–

The telepathy cut off because Patchouli wasn’t talking to me. I kind of wished I was still a part of that conversation, though. Human Town was still a bit over eighty percent male, so sexually-transmitted diseases… weren’t making the rounds? I realized I didn’t actually know.

And who knows, maybe most of the newcomers were immune. When I left for Gensokyo there’d been a new technology called ‘polypathogenic endogenous nanoparticle immune-stimulation’. The name of the broad-spectrum vaccine for STDs was a mouthful (heh) but I found it easy to remember. Unfortunately, when I’d done a cost-benefit analysis for the vaccine I’d decided not to get it.

Now I was in the land of fantasy, and I wasn’t even immune to herpes or gonorrhea. (The polypatholgenic vaccine had been subsidized and free, like most vaccines, but nanoparticles weren’t something you could take orally.)

I wondered if they had any treatment for STDs in Gensokyo. It would be awkward to bring that up next time I saw Yagokoro Eirin. The doctor would think I was preparing to make a move on somebody. My interest was purely academic, of course.

I shook my head as I landed at the bottom of the Fantastic Blowhole. They must have been having a long conversation on the other side of the telepathy crystal. I didn’t usually get this much silence.

Sasha and I were taking turns making expeditions. One of us could read in the library while the other went and battled. It gave us some time to study and recover. During the battles themselves, we’d set down our books to learn by observation.

Mister Thorne, what are Mister Thatcher’s intentions in the martial arts club?

“Where’d that come from?” I said the crystal as I walked toward the bridge as slowly as possible.

Please answer.

“He wants to grow proficient as a danmaku user, and learn to use his ax in battle without actually injuring anyone.” Arnold was a gentle soul.

Very good.

“Also he’s got the hots for Miss Hong, but so does everyone else in the club.”

Unfortunate. If I understand the thrust–silence!–of Miss Conti’s questioning, she is concerned that he may be injured during activities extraneous to training.

“Good work, Sasha,” I said. What a wing-woman. “Asking the important questions.”

Unfortunately for Mister Thatcher’s aspirations, Miss Hong is celibate in order to preserve and build her Qi.

“...aren’t we all…” I mumbled, before remembering they could hear everything that went on around me with supernaturally-loud volume. I blushed hard, and tried to change the subject. “Patchouli, you should really figure out a way to do telepathy between multiple people, so you don’t have to act like a relay.”

It isn’t at the top of my list, but I assure you that it is on the list.

Up ahead a blonde, green-eyed youkai was staring at me with contempt. She took a few steps out to meet me.

“I’m surprised to see you so soon,” said Parsee. The bridge troll had her hands on her hips and was blocking the path, as though her bridge were at all important to people who could fly. “I thought you’d called a girl to come save you again?”

“If that’s an insult, it’s pretty weak,” I said.

“Are you even a man at all?” she asked.

“I know you live in a hole, but gender norms have changed a lot on the surface, recently.” I was a man and a little offended.

“They must have,” said Parsee with a nod. “Honestly, I’m surprised men are allowed to fight now. Have they gotten stronger?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Maybe she hadn’t been insulting me, but complimenting me, by comparing me to a girl. Women had all the power in Touhou, after all.

Well, monster women.

I was still insulted. I wasn’t strong for a male danmaku user–but for a danmaku user, period.

“Can I have your leg brace?” asked Parsee. She took to the air. “It is oh-so-very distinctive.”

“I’m using it.” I was using it less and less each day, though.

“I’m asking nicely. Don’t make me ask again.”

“If I gave it to you, would you let me pass without a fight?” I asked. I already knew the answer; Parsee wanted a fight. She didn’t give a fuck about my leg brace.

“Of course not. I was gonna throw it away and watch you struggle.”

“No, thank you.”

“C’mon. It would be funny!” She hiccuped when she said it, as though she were putting on a good face after I’d canceled her birthday party. Parsee’s malice was only matched by her self-pity.

She always threatened to hurt my leg. It was getting old. Our battle started, and I blasted the youkai with red vectors while dodging the green danmaku that she threw out. We battled for a few minutes.

“Jealous of the Kind and Lovely!” she called. Her next few shots left a line of pink flowers where they flew, a stationary trap that constrained my movement. It reminded me of my own Conviction Mines. Unmoving danmaku weren’t as effective against a human, I thought, since I wouldn’t impulsively try to absorb them. That spell card was usually the last that Parsee used.

I turned around and began shooting toward Yamame, who had arrived right on time. The spider youkai wore a brown dress with caramel-covered ribbons wrapping around her. Her six brass buttons lined the sides of her shirt.

A green bullet struck me in the back; I’d switched a bit too soon. But Parsee’s attack ended, and the troll went to lean on her bridge. Based upon my previous experiences, she’d rejoin the battle the moment I forgot about her. I’d observed her doing the same to Sasha.

“Trap Sign: Capture Web!” shouted Yamame. It wasn’t much of a trap if she announced it, I thought. Lines of purplish bullets leapt away from her only to be pulled back into a swirling cloud. I dodged all of it.

The spider had a smile on her face. When I had first fought her in the cavern it had seemed creepy and ravenous. This was the third time I’d faced her, and her smile didn’t seem as disconcerting as before.

“You’re chipper,” I said as I wove between bullets.

“I’m just happy that Parsee made a new friend!” said Yamame.

“I’m not her friend!” I said.

“He’s not my friend!” called the troll. “And neither are you!”

“He visits you every other day, though?” asked the spider youkai. “Offers you gifts?”

Yamame must have meant my leg brace. It wouldn't have been a gift, but a trade. I knew that to youkai they were the same thing.

She leapt back and unleashed another spell. The battle continued. I kept Parsee in the back of my mind: if I defeated the spider youkai, the bridge troll would return to the fight. Sasha had done it once before, so I’d seen it once. What I saw next was a surprise, however.

Kurodani Yamame’s ribbons began to move of their own accord, spreading out behind her. At first they seemed to represent a web, but as the ribbons flexed I realized they were the segmented legs of a spider.

“Do you want a hug?” asked the youkai whose touch diseased humans. I didn’t answer; I was transfixed.

Her four ribbon legs flexed behind her and twisted into points that closed in front of her face like long-nailed fingers. She hugged herself with her human arms. Yamame spread her limbs again, including the spider-like ones. The sclera in her eyes went black and when she opened her mouth I saw long pointed teeth that kept growing larger.

“How about a kiss?” she growled out, just before her mouth couldn’t make words anymore.

It’s a trap, said Patchouli.

“No shit Sherlock!” The thing in front of me wasn’t a girl anymore. The youkai was an immense brown spider whose chelicerae worked like a tongue over teeth. The spider skittered backward and away, running in the open air.

No, it’s–

I had forgotten about Parsee, momentarily, and her danmaku struck me in the back again as Yamame retreated. I spun around to engage with her.

You need to retreat.

“I need someone to back me up,” I said. “Make this a two-on-two.”

If we violate the rules further, that is an unacceptable escalation. They will retaliate, and without Yukari here to enforce the rules we are in a precarious position already.

“Yeah, but I feel like I’m fighting with one hand tied behind my back.”

“Not yet you don’t!” called Yamame from somewhere above me. The two had switched again. A bullet from her struck me, exhausting my ability to resist compulsion.

My hand reached down and undid the first strap on my leg brace. I felt the need to placate them; if they wanted the brace, they could have it.

“He is so frightened right now,” said Parsee to Yamame, with remorse. The two youkai flew down near me; they were in no hurry. “You scare him so much more than I do.”

“It tastes bad, though,” Yamame replied. Her voice was light and cheerful. She was a girl again, but the spider lurked behind her like a shadow. Except, it wasn’t behind her, either. It hung around her like a scent, or infused her clothing like dye. The potential to become a monster glinted off Yamame like the reflections on her buttons. Web materialized between her hands as she flew toward me. They were going to tie me up and kill me.

“Okina…” I gasped as I undid the second strap on my brace. The cave air felt cool on my injured leg. “Save me.”

I was pulled to another realm.

—

I didn’t realize that there had been a misunderstanding until later, when Sasha and I were back at the dorm. Wiki was editing the wording on some new laws the human council had decided to make, codifying the rights and expectations of new and old humans in Gensokyo. Arnold was putting together our new table. Sasha was calling me a little bitch.

“Look, man,” said Sasha. “You need to grow up.”

“Excuse me?” I said.

“Some random youkai offers you a kiss, and your brain falls out of your skull.”

“Which one is it this week?” asked Arnold. He didn’t look up from the table leg he was attaching with a screwdriver that I was positive was on loan. Tools were valuable and rare, and many people competed for access to them.

“Kurodani Yamame,” I said.

“I’d stay away from her,” said Wiki absent-mindedly. “She carries disease. And she tried to murder us.”

“The offer of a kiss wasn’t the part that freaked me out,” I said. “It was the transformation into a giant spider!”

Sasha tilted her head.

“You didn’t see that?” I asked.

“I saw a girlish youkai give you a smile,” she said. “Then some honeyed words. Then you failed to dodge.”

“Yeah, well, I saw a girl erupt into a ten foot spider after offering physical affection,” I said. Sasha made a face and looked at Wiki, who had been paying closer attention than I realized.

“...sushi…?” asked Sasha.

“Steak, to me,” I said.

“Are there poisonous gasses down there?” asked Wiki. “You guys are acting weird.”

We apologized. I made the excuse that we’d been working hard, and Sasha said she was hungry.

“I can’t help with the hunger,” said Wiki with an intensity that betrayed that he’d been working on the problem for days already. “As for the giant spider, it’s clearly your ghostly sight. You are gaining insight into the true nature of the youkai you encounter. Normally I’d say that’s useful, but it sounds like it’s just making things harder in this case.”

“Well, I know not to kiss her at least,” I said. I rubbed my chin. I had not one, but two ways I could gain insight into my enemies, as long as I could scare them. “What are spiders afraid of?”

“Brooms?” asked Wiki. “A vacuum? A parasitic wasp?”

“Fire,” suggested Arnold.

“... of course,” I said with a nod. “Of course.”

—

Sasha asked if I could go twice in a row the next day. Instead of going on an expedition, she wanted to spend the day getting penetrated by Youmu.

“That’s not how I said that!” objected Sasha after I explained things to Patchouli’s remote communication crystal. “Yeah, I want her to stab me. So I can obtain enlightenment, and the ability to see ghosts and shit.”

I recognized that she was talking to Patchouli. They went back and forth for a bit. Arnold was tapping his foot by the door; he was waiting to accompany whichever of us would go to the mansion. He was going there for martial danmaku training, as usual.

“By the way, Meiling is voluntarily celibate,” I told him. I was trying to drink some tea as quickly as possible, so the delay was helping me.

“I know,” he said with a sigh. “I asked her if we could have sex without my body snapping like a toothpick.” I choked on my tea. “She said no. Not because I was a toothpick, though.”

“... Well, I figured I’d let you know. Er, have you been to the doctor?”

“I’m not interested in getting laid in my dreams,” he said. I’d told him about Reisen’s nighttime attack, and suggested he could go there if he had an interest in experiencing it for himself.

“Oh, well, Marisa–”

“Not my type.” Arnold’s type was ‘tall, curvaceous, and muscular’ whereas Marisa was short, flat, and probably a lesbian.

“Look, man, what do you want me to do?” I asked.

“There are two hundred and six named characters you haven’t tried yet,” said Wiki with a yawn as he went to the kitchen. He was the last of us to get up, usually.

“Don’t do anything,” said Arnold. “I appreciate you trying to help me find a girlfriend, but I’m not so one-dimensional that the only thing I care about is getting freaky with a youkai.”

“That’s fair,” I said. “Er, sorry.” I felt like I’d made a bad implication about him, or something.

“Oh, no, I do care about getting laid!” he said. “Just, don’t feel like it’s another problem you have to solve. I’ll get laid on my own time. You can’t force these things.”

“That’s the spirit,” said Sasha. The crystal was still hovering beside her. “So, Youmu’s going to run me through with the blade of enlightenment–”

“Hakuroken,” said Wiki between sips of tea. Our iron stove had become one of our new dorm’s best features, once we’d gotten a kettle from Rinnosuke.

“–tomorrow, assuming she’s amenable.”

“She is,” said Arnold. “She runs me through every day.”

“Except literally. Not danmaku.”

“Oh. Well. Try not to die.” Arnold was very supportive.

“Thanks. And I’m going to have Miss Knowledge do a full body scan tonight, after I make one last attempt without the ability to see ghosts. And she’s going to be there to help Miss Konpaku stab me without just murking me.”

“Why do you want the ability to see ghosts?” I asked.

“So I see what you guys see,” she said. “The underground is supposedly full of spirits. Nazrin and Miss Knowledge saw the spider, by the way.”

“Well, shoot,” said Wiki. “Am I the only one here not getting stabbed on the regular?” He swished his teacup by moving it in circles. “Do you think my curse is about accidentally perishing while trying to munchkin a power?”

—

Sasha made it to the battle with Parsee and Yamame. As before, Yamame tried to distract her with the offer of a hug and a kiss.

“No way, bitch,” said Sasha. She turned around, to intercept the attack from Parsee that she knew was coming.

“Unexplained Fever!” shouted Yamame. A spiral of red danmaku formed around her, followed by several smaller pink and purple spirals. They exploded outward into a cloud that forced Sasha to turn away from the bridge and dodge. I looked over my shoulder, but couldn’t spot wherever Parsee was hiding.

“This is stupid,” I said, rhetorically. “Demon!”

“Yes,” said a koakuma with a bow. She had been standing right behind me, where I couldn’t see her. They liked to do that when the crystal projection was going and all the walls were partially-lit.

“Point toward Mizuhashi Parsee in the image,” I said. The demon pointed, and I scooted around the table until I was facing not the image of Sasha and Yamame, but the bridge troll.

“What are you doing?” asked Patchouli.

“Watching for the next attack,” I said.

“Good idea,” she replied.

The purple librarian scooted around the table the other way, going around Nazrin, who was engrossed in her comic book. Patchouli sat right next to me, and I felt my focus waver. Then, to my great shock, she put down her book to look at the image.

“I’ll be faster,” she explained. We watched for the change, together.

“Man, Superman’s actually kind of incredible,” said Nazrin. “Did you–”

“One moment,” said Patchouli. Her eyes followed Parsee.

Patchouli gave the alert telepathically and silently when Mizuhashi Parsee made her move. Sasha spun around to engage. The image rotated in the library as the crystal followed her, and we were looking at Yamame instead.

The attack switched again, and Patchouli warned Sasha in time. I felt my excitement growing. We’d had backup the entire time, we just hadn’t been using it effectively.

The enemy youkai were getting frustrated. Parsee leapt in again, straight into the summoned trees of Sasha’s spell card, Found in The Woods.

That was how Sasha became the first to defeat the first boss in our expedition. The defeated youkai wouldn’t meet Sasha’s gaze as they were compelled to fly away. I jumped up and down. Nazrin had a small smile as she pulled out her dowsing rods to guide Sasha once more.

“Finally,” she said.

“Not final, yet,” I replied. “But we are on our way!”

I sat back down next to Patchouli. Perhaps it was because her eyes were a little harder to see, or she was a bit more hunched than normal, or that she wasn’t excited like Nazrin and myself–but I sensed that she wasn’t entirely happy.

“You’re worried about Maroon,” I said. The librarian nodded. “Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about manifesting her. I’ll be going down tomorrow, even if Sasha clears the mission right here and now.”

“It won’t work, if the mission is complete,” said Patchouli. “The gesture would be meaningless.”

“Then I’ll find a new mission,” I said, as I watched my roommate enter the Old Capital, a city on the road to Hell.