Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

Sasha and I found a low-lying cubby and shimmied through, so that we’d be on the dark side of the cubby wall. Wiki and Reimu were waiting there already. Some part of me was disappointed that they hadn’t ‘hid’ inside the baths, and that I wouldn’t get to see anyone naked, but I tried to ignore that part because it was stupid. I bumped my shoulder on the shelf above on my way in, but I was pleased to find that I could just push it up to make a bigger opening.

“You brought sake?” asked Reimu, when Sasha set down her bottle on the bench outside. “Excellent!”

“It’s mine,” said Sasha to the most powerful natural human in Gensokyo. She turned sideways and pushed up the same loose shelf up to fit through. Reimu frowned.

“Don’t share it with her without making her answer more of our questions first,” said Wiki. “She cut me off already.”

“Isn’t it enough that I’m protecting your life?” asked Reimu. “And heading-up your police force? I agreed to be a bodyguard, not to attend an interrogation!”

“Fine, nobody ask me for permission about my possessions,” said Sasha with a huff. She leaned and stuck her hand through the wall to grab the bottle, then lifted a ceramic container off of it. “I only brought one cup anyway.”

“These questions are a matter of life-or-death,” said Wiki. He was talking to Reimu. “If you were sane, you’d give me an infodump.”

“I’ll answer one more question,” said Reimu. “And it can’t be about Yukari, and you have to share the sake with me.”

“Fine,” said Wiki. He looked at Sasha and raised an eyebrow. “I am mentally preparing myself for the possibility of your refusal, which is your right. In that case I will go to the front to ask Reika for sake, risking exposure and our lives, because the questions I have to ask are that important! However, you can refuse without losing respect from me, because your autonomy and self-direction are also important.”

“Reika doesn’t have any sake,” responded Sasha. “Alcohol isn’t allowed in the baths.”

“Not these baths,” said Reimu.

“I know more about Reika than you do,” said Wiki with a slight grin. “I could also send Jake on a fetch quest, I have it on good authority that he appreciates those.”

“What about my autonomy?” I asked.

“I know what you care about,” he said.

“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. I’d go fetch sake to help the cause, of course I would. I would even get naked and go in the baths in front of Reimu and Sasha, if necessary, but (un)fortunately it hadn’t been necessary.

“I’ll share it,” said Sasha. “Thanks for respecting my boundaries.” She poured a healthy portion into the cup and set it beside the bottle. “You boys will have to do without, though. I refuse to share a glass.”

“Darn,” we said in unison, with zero remorse between us. Reimu reached forward and Sasha pulled the cup back.

“I’ll share it if you share information.”

“That’s called trading,” said Reimu. “And I accept. What’s your question?”

Wiki looked down at a piece of notebook paper with questions he had for the shrine maiden. Some of them already had answers, I saw. For example, Yukari would sleep as long as she wanted, which was sometimes multiple decades.

I reached for my own notebook and remembered that Remilia had stolen it and thrown it through the portal. That was okay, because I remembered the most important question even without it.

“We should ask her about the real threats to Gensokyo,” I told Wiki. “The ones that are too important for them to ignore.”

“Good idea,” he said.

“That’s not your concern,” said Reimu.

“It is important for making sure we don’t accidentally make things worse, somehow,” said Wiki. “Unless merely being aware of the threat causes it to grow in strength, in which case we’d better forgo that question, unless the knowledge that we have to skip questions makes it stronger, in which case you can’t tell us a damn thing. I’ll try to lose an appropriately-reduced amount of respect for you if you refuse to answer.”

Reimu tilted her head, so Wiki explained one of our strongest theories; that threats to Gensokyo were belief-based, and grew stronger the more people thought of them as threats. Maybe they were memetic in nature, and maybe that’s why Yukari kept them secret. Reimu began to nod when she understood our concern.

“It doesn’t exactly work that way,” she said. “Youkai can’t suck up arbitrary beliefs like a vacuum. Certain things do strengthen them, but it’s… it’s not something you can really control. If knowing about a threat would make it stronger, being vaguely aware of the threat would do the same.”

“So you can tell us about the threat that makes Yukari hold you in reserve?” asked Wiki.

“Of course,” said Reimu. “For payment.”

Sasha nodded.

“There’s a group of youkai who are trying to usurp Yukari and seize power in Gensokyo,” said Reimu. “They disagree with her about the role of the humans in our secret nation, and especially the growing power of the humans. These are mostly older youkai, monsters from a simpler time, who have simpler ideals and aspects.”

“Okay,” said Wiki. “And they’re fighting… just to fight?”

“They don’t want a village, they want scattered humans cowering in hovels, afraid of the night. That would empower them more and the friendly youkai less, whereas our current arrangement keeps them weak.”

“Miss Yakumo is purposefully weakening them!” said Wiki.

“She’s trying to meet their needs without them killing everybody,” said Reimu. “They forced Yukari’s hand by wanting to attack her. They also hate Yukari, as they would hate anyone who has life-or-death power over them. I’m protecting Yukari from them, and the human village as well, so that humans don’t suffer too much.”

“That’s just the threat we are hiding from right now,” I said, slowly.

“Yeah. You guys aren’t very good at figuring out the plot, are you?” asked Reimu. “Now gimme the sake.”

“Anticlimactic,” said Sasha.

“That’s so stupid,” said Wiki. “Miss Yakumo could end any of them in a moment!”

“I didn’t say they were smart,” said Reimu. “And she could, but she wouldn’t.”

“Why not? Controlling the barrier gives her enormous power. Even if they defeated her they’d just die anyway.”

“That’s wrong for two reasons,” said Reimu. “The first is that if they become more powerful than her, Yukari isn’t just going to destroy the barrier to spite them. That’s not how she thinks.” Reimu sat back and leaned on her arms. “Yukari is pragmatic. If she were weaker than another youkai, she’d defer to the stronger youkai and work with them. Undermine them, perhaps, plot against them, definitely. But she wouldn’t go scorched Earth against them. That sort of vengeance is a human trait.”

“Hmm,” said Wiki.

“And the second reason is that Yukari doesn’t want to kill them, and everyone knows that. She’d never be so direct as to threaten to collapse the barrier and kill everyone.”

“Why not?”

“Nobody would believe her.”

“She’d have more power if she made the threat,” said Wiki.

“Perhaps,” said Reimu. “But it’d be a lie. Yukari wants to live, and she wants there to be other youkai, and she doesn’t have enough pride to destroy herself. It’s not in her nature.”

“Are we talking about the same youkai?” asked Sasha. “Yukari seems super prideful.”

“Miss Yakumo,” said Reimu.

“You call her Yukari.”

“I’m her friend.” Reimu waggled a hand. “Close coworker, at least.”

“No, I get it,” I said. I remembered the feedback sessions we were supposed to have had that day. “Yukari asks people for help–youkai, but also humans–she asks everybody, because she doesn’t know the best way to go about things and isn’t too proud to admit it. And I suppose she’s paying youkai to secure their cooperation, instead of coercing them.”

“Withholding pay is coercion,” said Sasha.

“This place is the closest to a communist utopia you’ve ever been, and you know it,” I said. “We’re in a communal bath right now!” Technically we weren’t in the communal part, but that didn’t change my point.

“It costs money to get in.”

“Like fifty cents!” I objected. “Price controls.”

“Government subsidies, you mean.”

“A gentler kind of coercion,” said Reimu. “Yukari is the most powerful being in Gensokyo, as far as I can tell, but she doesn’t want people to think of her that way. She doesn’t want to be a cruel dictator… in fact, I’m certain she doesn’t even want power all that much. She just maintains control because things would be worse if she didn’t.”

“In that case, it is noble of her to step up,” said Wiki.

“Sounds a bit self-serving,” said Sasha.

“It isn’t,” said Reimu. “That’s the kind of youkai she is, even if many other youkai resent her power.”

“Power corrupts,” added Wiki. “No dictator can be trusted, because they could eventually choose to abuse their power.”

“Yukari would never do that. She is committed to protecting youkai and humans alike.”

“I see you drink koolaid in addition to sake,” said Sasha.

“Never heard of it,” said Reimu. She leaned forward. “Do you have that too?”

Wiki shook his head. “Either she changes, and she might eventually become a cruel dictator, or she doesn’t change, and society will stagnate hopelessly under her rule.” He looked up at a candle holder that was currently empty. “I have an intuition about the situation already.”

The room was dark, and always had been whenever I’d visited the baths. I could walk around a low wall and go to the men’s side, I realized. Maybe youkai would run into us there, if they searched for Wiki at the baths. If they could taste our fear, they’d be able to find us pretty easily either way.

I wisely chose not to mention this to anyone.

“I didn’t say she couldn’t change,” said Reimu. “Just that she wouldn’t change about anything important. Gensokyo has been a bastion for youkai for hundreds of years, but it’s changed a lot over that time. We’re about to get electricity, in case she didn’t tell you.”

“She did,” Wiki admitted.

“I thought that artificial intelligence might be the threat she was guarding against,” I said. “To the extent that she thought it would be better to not have electricity to avoid it.”

Now Sasha and Wiki were giving me a look. Electricity was very popular among humans, even me, and since I’d been unwilling to talk about the dangers of AI all that much they might not agree with me about how a literal dark age would be preferable to human extinction. It wouldn’t seem like extinction, to them. Most people were positive about AI, because AI was making most of the arguments about AI. I was a rare human that hadn’t been taken in by the threat.

“Are you sure that AI isn’t one of the threats?” I asked Reimu. “Not even a little bit?”

“That,” said Reimu, “is another question, and I’ve already given you like four for free.” She took her cup of sake, but before she could raise it to her lips Sasha stopped her.

“I’ll give you the bottle instead, if you answer this one too.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“Very well,” said Reimu. “I’ve no idea whether AI is a threat. Yukari hasn’t mentioned it, and I’m not even one-hundred-percent sure what it is, so it can’t be that important.” She reached for the bottle.

“Anticlimactic,” said Sasha.

“Hey, this is half empty!” said the shrine maiden.

“I didn’t say the bottle had more in it,” she replied, taking a drink from the cup. “Perhaps we can drink together sometime, and I can pay you back then?”

Reimu grinned. “You’re on.” She sipped from the bottle. Wiki gave a huge thumbs up just out of Reimu’s sight. Reimu was the backup for the police force, but for all that we didn’t have a strong relationship with her–yet.

“I’m relieved it’s not AI,” I said. “AI, and superintelligence in particular, was the biggest threat to the Outside World. That was what mattered most to me before… before I lost everything.” Sasha patted my back, and when she offered me her cup I went ahead and took a sip.

“There are other threats out there,” said Reimu. “But nothing serious.”

“Like what?” asked Wiki.

“You’ve nothing to pay me with.”

“Fair,” he said. Sasha and Reimu raised their containers to each other and took another drink. After a quiet moment Reimu decided to explain, perhaps because she was bored, or perhaps because she was human and not an inscrutable, insufferable monster.

“Yukari did warn me about a new youkai that might come in,” said Reimu. “One that isn’t very strong, but is instead extraordinarily clever. She said we might have to fight it or its invisible minions.”

“Did she tell you anything else about it?” I asked, trying not to worry and failing.

“Not really. Oh, what did she say….” Reimu rubbed her chin. “She said ‘it desired to bring about the end of all things, manipulating the very fabric of creation to reshape the world in its cold, unfathomable image.’ And also… Oh, yeah, it has more than one body. I figured it was like a cross between Lady Scarlet and Miss Margatroid, and maybe Miss Hijiri for good measure, because it’s asleep or something.” She took a long drink. “I’ve fought monsters like it before.”

I put my head in my hands.

–

I knew I wouldn’t sleep well, even when Reimu put up a barrier around our new dorm. She promised to be there in moments if anything tried to get through. It wasn’t even the dorm we’d been planning to move into–that one was empty, just in case the enemy somehow knew which one it was and decided to attack it.

Wiki was pulling an all-nighter. He wanted to be awake for any attack that happened. Miko had assured him that the youkai had been repelled, and he hadn’t believed her.

“I’ll protect you with my life,” said Arnold. “Which means Lady Scarlet will as well.”

“The real danger is that they take me somewhere else,” he said. “Maybe I should anchor myself somehow? A chain around my ankle?” He shook his head as he positioned our Satori and Koishi cutouts in our new square common room. “A chain won’t be able to resist a youkai… neither would my ankle, really.”

“Even a half youkai could get through it,” I said. I was unloading the spices and cooking utensils we’d collected over the six months we’d spent in the other dorm.

There was a kitchen with both a cast-iron wood oven and a single electrical outlet that hadn’t yet been connected. Next to that was the bathroom with a standing shower that was cold water only. The common room was attached to the kitchen with a half-wall that served as a table. Both had a laminate floor for easy cleaning.

The building was stick-frame with drywall; a very western type of construction. Some of the other buildings had a different internal feel, but they all had a similar layout. There were four teeny-tiny bedrooms on the second floor, each with a significant slope in the ceiling from the roof (Wiki had inferred harsh winters) and a small window. For the first time in my adult life, I wouldn’t be living in a closet.

Some of the long-time residents had given up their traditional Japanese housing for space in the new dorms, but not many. There were people among the early arrivals that were willing to trade with them.

“We should get a couch as soon as possible,” said Arnold from where he sat on the floor.

“That, and something to hang on the walls,” said Sasha.

“Do you think Koishi would be willing to take commissions? Her cutouts are really nice.”

“You just want more anime girl pictures.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” said Wiki.

“No, even the ugly one is quite beautiful,” said Arnold without irony. It was an ugly youkai painted very well.

“Well, I’ll ask her if I ever go to the Palace of Earth Spirits,” I said. My journey to hell would likely take me right past Satori and Koishi’s home. “And I manage to spot her while I’m there.”

“Good luck,” said Wiki.

Sasha and Arnold excused themselves to their new bedrooms, but Wiki and I stayed up late chatting about AI and why it was dangerous. I talked to him about the possibility of superviruses that could escape MRNA countermeasures, satellites hacking weather control systems, worldwide nanogram poisons or nanotechnological swarms, and superstimulus pornography being distributed despite the ban. After a while my roommate was shaking his head more and more.

“I’d really hoped we were on another planet,” I said. “Or better yet, in another dimension with different physical laws.”

“Plausible given the magic,” said Wiki. “Well. We can’t worry about everything in the entire world. Even if what you say about AI risk is true, artificial super intelligence is far above our pay-grade.”

“I know,” I said. “That doesn’t mean that it can’t kill us.”

“Yeah, but we ‘have to play to our outs,’ don’t we?” he replied. I’d used the phrase earlier that night.

“I suppose.” I yawned, and felt a sudden pain. “Ouch!” I said, slapping my hip.

“What happened?” asked Wiki.

“I don’t know, a bug bit me?” The pain was throbbing, but fading fast. I unceremoniously pulled my waistband to the side to look. “I don’t see an injury…”

“I wonder if the spell duplicated insects,” said Wiki. He made a note and affixed it to the board. “Also whether the others would mind if I started covering the walls with notes.”

“I think they would,” I said. I put my hand in my pants, turning away from him, but I didn’t feel any insects. It was like something in my empty pocket had stabbed me, or maybe shocked me with electricity. It if was an insect, I was glad it hadn’t bit me somewhere where I was more fragile.

“By the way,” said Wiki, “Don’t you have work in the morning?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said. We bid each other goodnight, and I got up to walk upstairs to my new bedroom and my new, slightly-wider bed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll shout if anything happens.”

—

I woke up to shouting. I freaked out, but before I’d gotten my socks on I knew we weren’t in danger. Sasha was calling up the stairs; someone was there to see me.

“Hurry up!” she called as I put on my pants and robes. “Don’t keep a lady waiting!” Someone objected, but I couldn’t hear what they said.

“It’s been a busy morning,” said Wiki as I walked down the stairs. “Lots of visitors.”

“This coward wouldn’t answer the door at all,” said Sasha. “Not that I can blame him.”

“Don’t forget your breakfast,” added Arnold as I tried to go past. He handed me a fried egg sandwich wrapped in paper. I could smell the pepper and butter.

“Man, I love you,” I said. “Platonically, but powerfully.” Arnold laughed. I also loved Emeff, although her cage was empty. Someone must have let her out.

“The stomach is the fastest way to a bro’s heart. Especially when you consider cholesterol.”

“Don’t get used to having bread,” said Wiki. He rubbed his eyes, which had bags under them. “Miko is implementing rationing. Guess who was our entire supply chain for goods from the Outside World?”

“Damnit,” I said. I took a bite of my sandwich and walked toward the door. The fairy waiting for me outside had green hair and a maid uniform on, and a grin that still made me uncomfortable.

“You’re late!” said Needles in her squeaky voice. “Miss Knowledge is pissed! She’s gonna kill you when we get there.”

“I shouldn’t go with you, then?” I asked as I stepped outside and closed the door behind me. I knew the fairy had been told to retrieve me. It was fifty-fifty whether she'd be concerned about failing at her task.

“No, no, you should, you should,” said Needles. “I wanna see how you die.”

“Fair enough. How’d you find our dorm?”

“I knocked on every door until someone I knew answered,” she said. “I had to try your house three times! And I almost didn’t see Mister Thatcher just now.” She must have peeked past Sasha and saw a human she was familiar with.

“That probably irritated people,” I said, the gentlest reproach possible. Patchouli was adamant that patient explanations wouldn’t affect their behavior, but I wanted to help ‘train’ the other fairies all the same. If they learned slowly that might be better anyway.

“Yeah, but I ran away before anybody could get a good look at me, so it’s fine.”

We set off toward the mansion. I brought my wings out so that I could train. With some effort I lifted into the air for a few feet, then settled back on the ground. I wanted to ask Sekibanki about eating fear and why it had helped me fly–and a bunch of other things–but it would have to wait.

I flew again for a moment. The fairy laughed at me.

“I’m a lot bigger than you,” I said, a subtle status reminder and a legitimate explanation for why my wings might struggle.

“Fatty,” she replied, before unleashing her helium laugh again. We continued to fly toward the Scarlet Devil Mansion a couple of yards at a time.