Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

As I ran into the tent my fear rose without taste. My only hope was that Mamizou had been sent outside to buy time before an interruption, which meant that there might still be time to save Wiki. The tent’s magical quietness cut off the metallic sounds of Youmu and Mamizou fighting outside.

Miko was standing above her chair, surrounded by supplicants–no, men and women lying facedown with their hands on their heads–and a trident-wielding youkai who had her trident on Miko's neck.

“Stop, Mister Thorne!” said Miko. The tiniest spark of the thought of fighting had formed in my mind, but Miko snuffed it out with her palms-down hands. “We were just negotiating.”

“I was pointing some things out,” said Trident. Her grin was so sharp, it was as though her teeth were also barbed. “I told you the attack would come sooner than you thought!”

“You said it would be a month!” I objected.

“Not my fault that you thought I knew how long it would take.”

“Where’s Wiki?” I asked. He was missing, as were Reika and Reimu, which was unfortunate indeed. The situation had changed entirely during my chat with Byakuren.

“Funny you should mention that,” said Trident. She poked Miko’s neck and a drop of red blood appeared. “That’s exactly what we were negotiating about!”

“Please, Jake,” said Miko with a strained smile. “I’m trying to focus on–our friend, for now. With all my attention. Let’s not make things too complicated.”

“I agree,” said Trident. “In fact, why don’t you take a seat?” She kicked a chair over toward me. “Certainly, you can’t leave. And I’m not going to kill you, you know that, blah blah protection.”

I considered leaving, if she wasn’t going to kill me.

“I’ll kill Toyosatomimi no Miko if you try anything, though. Or maybe one of the humans, if she cooperates and you don’t.”

I took the chair. I briefly looked around for something sharp to put at my own neck, to draw Remilia, but then I remembered two things. The first was that Byakuren had told me not to view my life as expendable just a minute ago. The second was that Remilia wouldn’t be coming to save me, even if I did.

If Trident figured that out, I’d probably die.

“Killing me wouldn’t help your cause,” said Miko. That actually made very little sense. Trident was powerful enough to kill Toyosatomimi no Miko? What, was she an extra stage boss?

“Perhaps not,” said Trident, “but the threat of killing you might convince you to tell me where Winstone Sloan is.”

“I can imagine why you might be driven to that,” said Miko with a nod. “You are trying to protect yourself from an unknown threat. Yukari hasn’t been forthcoming, and I sense your willingness to do whatever it takes.”

“Good,” said Trident, nodding back. “Then you know I don’t want to kill you.”

“I didn’t say that,” said Miko. “You enjoy killing. You are eager to find Mister Sloan and end his life. You expect to enjoy it.”

“I do, huh…” said Trident, as her posture relaxed slightly. She laughed. “You know, fear is better when it’s final.”

Toyosatomimi no Miko nodded. “I do know. And did you know that two-thirds of the humans were obese a decade ago?” That would be before GLP-1 analog distribution was widespread. Weight loss drugs had been made free, because obesity was expensive. I was mildly surprised that Miko knew about it, and I wondered if she also knew that the weight loss drugs didn’t work on something like half the population.

“What does that have to do with anything?” asked Trident. “I’m not killing him to eat his body!”

“Sometimes a maximally-nutritious meal isn’t good for you. That’s my point, as hard as it may be to believe. You want to protect your own interests above all, right?”

“It won’t make me fat,” she said.

“It will make you gluttonous,” said Miko. “Feasting on the final breath of the humans doesn’t necessarily serve your interests. It’s a bad habit.”

“Easy for you to say,” said Trident. “You aren’t starving. You surround yourself with fearful–no, frustrated humans. Because that’s what you really feed on, isn’t it?”

Miko sighed. “I am a hermit. I’m not human, but neither am I youkai.”

“You detect fear.”

“I do, but so what? Humans can see how old a rock is, that doesn’t make them gnomes.”

“Eh?” asked Trident. “Are you talking about radiocarbon dating? How do you know about that?”

“How do you know about that?” asked Miko, with some curiosity. How did either of them know about it, I wondered?

“I–I heard it from a friend!” said Trident. “Anyway, that has nothing to do with eating fear.”

“No!” said Miko. “But it has to do with detecting fear. If you can peer deeply enough into the essence of a rock, you can tell how old it is, and with my powers I am as enlightened about fear as the Outside World is about rocks, just as artificially.

“Stop making metaphors that I don’t understand.”

“There are these small spirits called atoms that–”

Trident began to laugh. “I actually know about that, and I said stop.”

Fu… futatsu… some youkai walked in through the tent. One of her hands was bloody, and she wiped it on the shirt of a cowering human. I felt my heart plummet. The last I’d seen her, this monster had been battling Konpaku Youmu. That she was here now was a very bad sign indeed. The fuzzy youkai saw Trident and Miko conversing, and shook her head.

I saw a wispy, silvery ghost float in behind the second youkai–Youmu’s ghost half. I pretended not to notice and focused on the youkai instead.

I found myself blinking. Identifying details were slipping from my mind. I remembered this youkai pretending to be Wiki and tricking me, because she was a… a something that was tricky. I’d call her Trickster.

“Are you letting her distract you?” Trickster asked Trident. She swished her fluffy tail. “We’re running out of time, here.”

“True,” said Trident. “Enough delays. Tell me where Winston Sloan went. Right now!”

Miko smiled. “I’m sorry, but I actually don’t know.”

“Liar,” said Trickster.

“I’m not lying.”

“Why do you protect him?”

“Why do you hunt him?” countered Miko. “He’s just an ordinary human, as far as I can tell. A bit arrogant and in constant denial, but ordinary all the same.”

“His fate is wrapped up in that of the village,” said Trident. “Remilia knew we’d come for him.”

“Okay, but why would that make you want to kill him?” asked Miko. “Maybe he’s nothing but good news for you, and that the fate of the village is to be eaten by the youkai after Wiki fails to guide them? Have you considered the possibility that Lady Scarlet wants you to kill him and avert that fate?”

Trident frowned. “No.”

“Consider it on the way,” said Trickster. She turned to Miko. “Tell us where he is!”

“I really don’t know,” said Miko.

“You’re really going to die, then,” said Trident. Miko didn’t respond, and the dark enemy youkai pulled back her trident. “Last chance.”

“I think not,” said Saigyouji Yuyuko, the ghost, as she grabbed Trident's trident, or tried to.

Ghosts are incorporeal. Lady Saigyouji could no more grab Trident or her trident than I could pinch a flame. However, Trident did helpfully turn around and try to stab the ghost with her trident, which bought Miko enough time to escape. The stabbing didn’t even shift Saigyouji Yuyuko’s blue kimono.

“Are you in yet?” asked Lady Saigyouji as Trident kept thrusting. “I can’t feel anything.”

“Use danmaku!” said Trickster.

“You use danmaku!” countered Trident.

“I haven’t broken any rules!”

“Well I haven’t broken that one!”

“Help,” added Lady Saigyouji. I didn’t get a chance to wonder whether she was talking to me.

Youmu tore through the side of the tent and swung her long sword through the air, above all the prone humans. With a metal screech the trident (the tool, not the youkai) fell in half. She flicked her blade and left a cut across Trident’s cheek.

“But I stabbed you!” said Trickster.

“Non-fatally, which I am grateful for,” said Youmu with a nod. “Using danmaku on me after throwing me from the village was less considerate, but I recovered quickly.”

“Why?” moaned Trident, as red blood ran down the side of her face.

“Her master’s power is to guarantee death,” said Trickster. “You know, the Lady right there?”

“Hi,” said Lady Saigyouji.

“We’re enemies, but that’s a rule that protects us. No killing youkai.”

“That’s what I love about rules,” said Miko, who was grinning even as she covered her ears. “As far as that one’s concerned, I am a youkai!”

“Fuck the rules!” said Trident before shoving half of a trident at Youmu.

“I pretended that my strategic retreat was actual defeat,” replied the swordswoman as she parried. She flicked her blade and the trident’s three prongs fell to the floor. Trident herself stepped back. Youmu had a cut on one of her shoulders, where her white shirt was torn, and I noticed one of her legs had a red rivulet of blood. The back of her green dress was tattered.

“Did you…” I quietly asked, “Stab Youmu in the butt?”

“I wasn’t going to stab her in the chest,” said Trickster.

“Danmaku is not allowed in the human village, and neither is killing each other,” said Youmu, her voice dry. “How can I defeat you?”

“The death thing’s a pity,” said Lady Saigyouji.

“It makes things difficult, sometimes.”

“Yeah–if you follow stupid rules!” said Trident. She finally emitted a burst of blue danmaku, which Youmu leapt over. The bullets burned holes in the fabric of the tent.

“I do follow the rules,” said Youmu with a nod. “And I am allowed to cut you? So tell me–which of your limbs can you part with?” She frowned and continued, ruining her badass one-liner. “Well, you can actually part with all of them, or more accurately any of them. The limbs my sword cannot cut are next to none. What I meant to say is, which do you prefer that I cut–”

Trident burst again with blue danmaku, but faster this time, and followed up with a spinning kick. Youmu dodged all of it, spinning herself, and her sword surged around.

Youmu cut off Trident’s arm.

Trident was screaming in an otherworldly fashion. Youmu made a quick bow without putting her sword away. “Apologies–I recently learned there are these huge arteries in people’s legs, so I thought that your arm was a better choice. If I was mistaken, please let me know.”

“Where’d you learn that?” asked Lady Saigyouji, conversationally. Trident was still screaming, and I tasted ozone in the air. Toyosatomimi no Miko covered her ears with her hands.

“At the Scarlet Devil Mansion,” responded Youmu. “Miss Knowledge and I spoke about how to avoid killing people by mistake. It was very informative.”

“GAAAAHHH!” gasped Trident, as her scream ran out. “Fucking humans!”

“I’m half-human,” corrected Youmu. Most of the full humans were running and shouting, leaving the tent through the entrance or the hole Youmu had left. I noticed I could still hear them yelling outside. The tent’s magic had broken. Miko was scrabbling around on the floor for her earmuffs.

“And you’re only a three-quarters youkai,” said Lady Saigyouji, laughing behind her fan. “Youmu will keep cutting you down, I think!”

“It’s time for a retreat,” said Trickster. She picked up Trident’s arm and tried to fly out the door, but Youmu was faster and interjected herself in the air.

“No, I actually think it’s time for you to surrender.”

“No thanks,” said the mysterious identity-stealing youkai. “Try again… never.” She jerked to one side, but couldn’t fly around Youmu.

“You have a tail, huh?” A giant tanuki tail, I remembered.

“I… uh… heh heh…”

Youmu cut off Trickster’s tail.

The screaming resumed. “That’s probably a bit safer than an arm,” said Youmu. “Right?” Trident picked up the errant tail in her left hand, the one she had left, and both of the youkai were holding one of each other’s limbs.

“I don’t know,” I said. “But please keep going. I think we’re actually going to win at this rate.”

“Fuck you,” said Trickster, gasping. “I let you live.”

“You’re a pain in the ass,” said Youmu. “I let you live as well! If you surrender quietly, I am confident Miss Yagokoro will reattach your limbs. Then Miss Yakumo will render judgment when she–”

Youmu was hit by paired lasers from six different directions. These came in the holes that had been torn in the tent with danmaku. It was a move that I was intimately familiar with even though I couldn’t identify it just then. Youmu sheathed her blades and limped out the door without another word. Her ghost half followed her out, and Lady Saigyouji sank into the ground.

“Retreat,” said the new attacker. Her voice was quiet. I felt like my heart was breaking, and I didn’t even know why. The person speaking looked odd. She was a basketball-sized sphere, hovering above the ground. She had no body.

“Well, now we’re winning,” said Trident.

“You lost an arm,” whispered Quiet. She was just a floating orb.

“I’ve got another. Besides, you can fix it, right?”

“I don’t want to hear that from you until you learn what it’s like to lose a limb that matters.”

Several more orbs floated into the tent, and somehow they were all part of Quiet. Each had a thin translucent stream that led far away, like a gray trail of smoke.

“Youmu is defeated, but Reimu or Marisa or Byakuren might return at any moment,” added Quiet. “The distraction failed. You failed, and you’ve made a scene. Let’s go.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” said Trickster. She had a hand on her butt–no, her tail stump. She yanked her tail out of Trident’s grasp with her other hand.

“Wow,” said Toyosatomimi no Miko to the newcomer. “I’m impressed with your desire to protect others. It’s…” she frowned. “Out of character, I think? You’re not as single-minded as these two.”

“That’s ‘cause she has multiple–” started Trident.

“Quiet!” said Quiet, whisper-shouting. I tasted fear, and it tasted like blood. “Let’s go.”

Quiet’s orb-like bodies flew through the open tent door. Trident and Trickster looked at each other, then left right behind her.

Miko and I sat around in silence for a moment.

Then Miko got up and slumped into a chair. “Whelp, looks like you’ll have to be my doorman, Mister Thorne. Just because we were attacked, doesn’t mean we can call it quits. I heard a bunch of humans hiding outside. Go get them.”

“We’re just going to continue like nothing happened?” I asked.

“Not exactly,” said Miko. “Something happened, but we have to continue regardless.” She looked through a hole in the tent. “We’ll send messages, and perhaps someone to tail them, and we’ll keep things going….” she sighed. “You have no desire to help me. Fine. I’ll choose one of the other humans, so you can go look for Mister Sloan.”

“Where is he?”

“How many times do I have to say I don’t know. He ran off with his girlfriend. Oh, and Miss Hakurei.” Miko looked around the ruined tent. “Yuyuko?”

“Yes?” asked the ghost, floating up from the ground. It was a neat trick, and an obvious way to hide if you were incorporeal and able to fly.

“Can you fetch Miss Kirisame? Or Miss Konpaku, if she’s up to it? I need some protection.”

“Very well,” said the ghost. She flew away through the sky. “Except I’m fetching Doctor Yagokoro first, for Youmu’s fragile derriere!”

“I can’t believe you just let Wiki sneak out,” I said.

“Good thing I did,” said Miko. “I could tell she had his best interests at heart. It’s kind of my thing to know that. And she argued that being in the center of everything made him too easy to find, and that as long as Reimu was with him it wasn’t like hiding elsewhere was all that dangerous. She even reminded me that the youkai would hesitate to kill another youkai. She’s a smart one, that… oh, what’s her name…” Miko snapped her fingers. “Shiraki Reika!”

“Yeah, I suppose so.” I bowed. “I’m going to go find them now.”

“Good luck,” said Miko as Sasha entered the room, a bottle of sake in her hand. “Great timing! Do you mind collecting those humans hiding in the bushes out there? Near the statue?”

“Sure, but I’m going to stop being your errand bitch after that,” said Sasha.

“Fine, fine,” said Miko, waving her away. Sasha followed me out of the tent. She told a few humans to go talk to Miko, then abandoned her post just like I had.

We left for the most obvious place for Reika to take someone she wanted to keep safe. The bathhouse.

—

The bathhouse was empty. I rang the bell.

“Just a second!” called Reika. A moment later she came out from the back. When she saw it was us she visibly relaxed. “Mister Thorne, Miss Conti, I’m so glad to see you! I’ll tell you what, this visit is on the house.”

“Where is–”

“Right this way!” she said, leading us to the left side of the bathhouse, which was the women’s side. “We’ve temporarily gone back to mixed bathing, please bear with us, you never know who might be watching.” She practically pushed me through the door. Sasha walked in right behind me, frowning.

“Why–” I started, but Reika was already gone.

“The fuck is that about?” asked Sasha. I thought about it for a moment, and came up with a theory.

“I think Wiki’s here,” I whispered, in case someone was watching. “If someone came looking for him, they’d check the men’s side, wouldn’t they? So it makes sense to hide him on the women’s side.”

“That line of reasoning is so stupid that I can’t accept it.”

“Well, the alternative would be sending Reimu to the men’s side, I guess. Maybe she put her foot down.”

I hadn’t been to the women’s side, but the layout didn’t surprise me. We were in a bamboo-floored changing room with a bunch of cubbies that were open on both sides, so that Reika could take clothes for laundering. There were numerous individual showers with opaque doors, all of which were open. Finally, there was a closed door that presumably led to the womens’ baths.

It was identical to the men’s side except that it was mirrored. Given what I’d seen that day, the perfect mirroring didn’t seem like a coincidence.

“You know, sake and a dip does sound pretty nice,” said Sasha. She still had the white sake bottle. “If I could do it alone.”

“You stole that?”

“No, I bought it from the izakaya. Since Miko sent me off without any money, it’s fucking mine.”

“Good point,” I said, looking toward the door to the baths. I glanced at the cubbies. “I’m wondering why Reika wouldn’t just hide them in the back, though? Being naked is a huge liability in an emergency.”

“We’re back here,” whispered a fully-clothed Wiki from the darkness behind the cubby wall. “Squeeze through before someone sees you!”