Working Out Issues

In the end I convinced Adam that we should get dinner with Jeremy and Ashanti. He was being weird about it, for some reason. I knew the date thing was just a joke, or a poorly chosen turn of phrase, but I could tell he was still a little unnerved by the change of plans. Still though, he seemed to realise how important this was for me, so he went along with it. We got a booth together, and Jeremy and I sneakily made sure that Adam and Ashanti were sitting next to each other, with us on the outside edge, pinning them in together. Ashanti winked at me when she realised what we were doing.

I think I genuinely liked Ashanti. She was definitely a motormouth, but it wasn't like she was just obsessed with the sound of her own voice. It was more like she was so interested in what other people were saying that she wanted to give them all of her thoughts at once. And she was funny, and had a bunch of wild stories, and... she was gorgeous. Like, totally out of my league, which meant she was almost in Adam's. At least, as close as anyone could be. The two of them sitting together just looked right. They were both so attractive and charismatic and socially capable. It was the kind of relationship Adam deserved.

A couple times Ashanti got a bit too close or flirted a bit too directly, and Adam would glance at me uncomfortably. It was the first time I had seen his awkwardness around women in action. Whenever it happened, I would sneakily squeeze his hand under the table, and he would smile at me, and relax.

Also, the food was pretty good. So things were going well. But for some reason, I still felt a little sick. Like I was trapped in a stuffy room, overheating.

"...and that is the last time I ever went out with a guy who had a photo of his family tree on his tinder profile," Ashanti said, finishing a story that was so incredibly entertaining, I felt truly awful for anyone who only got to hear disconnected snippets of it.

"That's insane," said Adam, "I can't believe you agreed to meet him in the first place!"

"I know!" Ashanti giggled, "But, hey, that's dating, right? For all I knew we could have ended up getting married. It's impossible to tell if someone you meet is gonna end up being, you know, The One."

Adam blushed and smiled, "I don't know. I think sometimes... sometimes you know."

"Huh," said Jeremy.

"Aww!" said Ashanti, "You're such a romantic. I love that."

She smiled and shuffled a little closer to Adam. He shot a nervous glance at me. I smiled reassuringly and he relaxed a little and let her move in. They kept talking, about llamas, and bad first dates. Ashanti made a joke and Adam laughed. Ugh! Fuck! They were so good together! Why did this feel so weird?

"I'm gonna get another drink," I said abruptly, sliding out of the booth.

Adam looked at me, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," I said, "I'm just... I dunno. I feel a little nauseous."

"Maybe we should go get some fresh air," said Jeremy. He popped up and smiled reassuringly at Adam and Ashanti, "We'll be right back. You two have fun."

"Are you sure?" Ashanti looked concerned.

"Mel..." Adam started getting up.

"I'm fine," I said, "Jeremy's right, I just need some fresh air."

"i'll come with you," Adam said, "I actually wanted to ask you something..."

"No!" I said, "Sorry. Look, seriously, I'm fine. You guys keep talking! Get to know each other better!"

I looked at Ashanti pointedly.

"Ohhh," she smiled coyly, "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea."

She put a reassuring hand on Adam's shoulder.

"Okay, let's go," I said to Jeremy. I stormed away from the table. My cheeks were burning. I almost bumped into a waiter and mumbled an apology, inwardly cursing my fat, clumsy, useless body. I pushed my way out the front door and onto the street, rounded the corner into the alleyway beside the restaurant, and stopped to catch my breath. Fuck. It was dark out now, and totally freezing. Thick clouds were gathered low above the skyline, pressing down on the streets. It looked like it might snow.

I folded my arms across my chest. Now that I was outside, away from the table, the weird, sick heat had faded away. I just felt cold, and stressed.

After a moment, Jeremy walked into the alleyway. He handed me my coat.

"Thanks," I mumbled. I put it on. It helped with the chill wind gusting down the alleyway, but there was still an icy knot in my stomach.

"Are you okay?" he asked, "Because I can tell Ashanti that a pipe broke at our apartment, or something. We can go. She's cool, she'll get it."

"No, this is... this is what I wanted," I said, "This is good. This is what he needs. I just... it's just weird seeing him with another girl."

Jeremy raised his eyebrows.

"What?" I asked.

"Another girl?"

My face flushed, "A girl. With a... with another person. On a date. You know what I mean."

"Huh," said Jeremy.

"Will you stop that?" I said, "You've been doing it all night. What do you wanna say?"

Jeremy took a deep breath and walked away. I stared at him. He paced back and forth across the alleyway, shaking his head like he was at war with himself.

"What the fuck is going on?" I asked.

Jeremy sighed and walked back to me. He rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Okay. You know what?" he said, "This isn't my place, and I would be furious if someone did this to me, but... god, Mel, this is so frustrating."

"Excuse me?"

Jeremy took out his phone.

"I'm going to set a timer for five minutes," he said firmly, "And when this timer goes off, everything we talked about in those five minutes disappears. We totally forget about it. Okay?"

"O...kay..." I said.

"Good," he said. He started the timer, and then hesitated. His shoulders slumped, "Okay. Jeez. This is honestly such a problematic thing to do, and I'm so sorry, but I feel like you really need it."

My heart raced. I wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but the way Jeremy was talking it seemed really important. My stomach twisted. Fuck. How much did he know?

Jeremy looked at me nervously. I could tell, by the expression on his face, that if I told him to let it go he would. We could go back inside and continue our dinner as if nothing had happened.

Another image flashed in my mind, and it was me, sitting on the futon, silently playing video games, alone in my apartment, forever.

"Go for it," I said.

Jeremy gathered himself, "Okay. So. Adam bought all those clothes for his girlfriend--"

"His sister," I corrected, "He just said girlfriend because--"

"Right, his sister," said Jeremy, "But also, when we were at the gym, you told me that Adam had just bought a bunch of clothes for you."

A chill went down my spine.

"Um," I stuttered, "I, um, no, I meant for his sister, I just, I was simplifying it to make the story less complicated."

"Okay," Jeremy nodded, "I don't believe you. Especially because Ashanti was telling me that that sweater you're wearing--"

"It's not really a sweater," I blurted, as if that was relevant, or helpful, "It's, um, it's like a knit..."

"Like a knit top?' Jeremy finished, "Like a woman's knit top, quite similar to the ones they sell at her store?"

I blushed and crossed my arms, as if I was trying to cover it up. It was far too late. And it was freezing, now, more than ever.

"Okay, weird coincidence," I said, "Maybe it's, like... a unisex top..."

"Totally!" said Jeremy. He seemed genuine, supportive, not interrogating me, just pressing for truth, "It totally could be. I mean, gender roles are so arbitrary anyway, aren't they?"

"...yeah," I said cautiously.

"Like," Jeremy looked in my eyes, "If I happen to have a friend, who was a guy, who liked to wear women's clothes, that would be completely okay. He wouldn't have to be ashamed of it at all."

"Okay. Cool," I said, I broke eye contact and looked up at the sky. The clouds were really pressing down on us now. They looked ready to burst, "Great. Cool. Open-minded of you."

"Thank you," said Jeremy, "Since we're talking about it, would that happen to be a situation that applies to you at all?"

"I don't know," I squirmed, "Maybe."

"Okay!" said Jeremy, "Like I said, that's completely okay. I mean, I borrow Sha's clothes sometimes. Who cares, right?"

"Yeah," I said, still stubbornly looking up at the sky, "Who cares?"

"Who cares," said Jeremy. He paused, "And, on the other hand, if I had a friend who was a girl, who had worn men's clothes her entire life because she thought she had to, and had only recently discovered that women's clothes felt more comfortable, that would also be completely cool and okay."

Would it?

"Okay," I whispered.

"Would that be a situation that you find relatable at all?"

The icy knot in my stomach twisted tighter.

"I don't know."

"Okay!" said Jeremy, "That's totally, totally fine. It's okay to be either of those things, or neither, or both, and it's so, so okay to not be sure."

"Okay," I whispered.

Above us, the dark, thick clouds seemed to roil in the sky. It struck me just how unbelievably fucking huge they were, their intense, looming weight, the hundreds of thousands of pounds of pressure they would bring down if they were all condensed into one spot. As I kept looking up, a tiny, glimmering snowflake drifted down in front of me, followed by another, then another.

I felt like I was standing on the edge of a yawning abyss. A chasm in my mind, one that had always been there, as much as I had tried to ignore it.

I looked at Jeremy.

"If I was... the second thing," I said quietly, "How would I know?"

Jeremy sighed, "I don't know. I'm sorry. I've never been there."

"Oh," I said. I looked at the ground. The dirty pavement was starting to be speckled with fallen snowflakes. A tear dripped down my cheek and joined them on the ground.

"When I was sixteen," Jeremy said softly, "I told the school counselor I thought I might be gay. Which was, stupid, really. I was gay. Of course I was gay. I had only ever wanted to be with guys, as long as I could remember. But I had never acted on it, and I had never told anyone, and a part of me always thought, maybe, you know? Maybe I was just... normal. And I don't know if I even wanted to be straight, or if I was just trying to protect myself from having to deal with all the bullshit I knew I was gonna get. But when I told the school counselor, that was the first time I'd ever said it out loud. And right then, when I said it... it finally just clicked. It was real. I knew."

I heard a low, rhythmical buzzing. Jeremy and I looked down, at his phone. The timer had just gone off.

"Five minutes are up," he said. He looked worried again, "I swear, I was telling the truth. If you want to forget about this whole conversation, we--"

"I'm a girl," I said.

Jeremy looked at me. A smile slowly spread across his face. I ignored it. Fuck. I had expected something when I said that, like his story, some innate sense that what I was saying was true, or false, but I felt... nothing.

"I'm a girl," I said again.

Oh. Oh shit. That did it.

All of a sudden I felt like bubbles were racing up my body. My eyes started welling up with tears. My knees were shaking. I clasped my hands to my face in shock.

"Jeremy!" I squeaked, "I'm a girl!"

"Holy shit!" he laughed. He jumped on me, hugging my shoulder, "Yes!"

"Oh my god! Oh my god. Wow. Okay," I forced myself to calm down, "Oh, wow. A lot of things are making sense now."

"Oh, I bet," said Jeremy. He squeezed my shoulder.

Memories started racing through my head. My Dress, wearing makeup, shaving my legs. I now realised what should have been insanely, blindingly obvious the whole time. Every time I did something to make myself look better, it hadn't just been about hiding my flaws, covering up my fatness. It hadn't even been about looking pretty. I had been... recontextualising my own body. I'm wearing girl clothes. I'm a girl. How did I not get that? Was I stupid?

Around us, the snow was falling faster. The heavy clouds above were shedding their weight, releasing their built-up pressure in a shimmering, crystalline shower.

I felt so, so happy. For some reason, all I wanted to do was run inside and share the news with Adam.

"Hey!" Jeremy blurted, "I was right! When I met you at the gym, I called you Miss! I was right! I knew it!"

I started giggling uncontrollably, "Oh my god. You fucking knew all along!"

Jeremy's smile turned serious, "Seriously though, Mel, I didn't. I made some assumptions, but I didn't really know anything. No one can possibly know what's going on in your head better than you do, Mel. When I said you can't let other people tell you what you are, that goes for me too, okay?"

I nodded, "No, yeah, totally. I think I knew, all along. I just needed a push."

Jeremy squeezed my shoulder again, "I'm so glad. Honestly, it was such a dick move for me to push you like that. And I really, really would have dropped it if you asked me to."

"I know," I smiled, "Thank you."

Jeremy smiled back, and he looked so earnest and happy, and I was so full of joy and adrenaline, that before I really knew what I was doing I kissed him.

He froze for a moment, surprised, then kissed me back. It was quick, and cute, and honestly pretty chaste compared to the way I used to kiss Adam. I didn't feel the same urge to keep going. But it was still very nice. Nice enough to confirm something else that had been bubbling under the surface. I liked dudes. I knew it wasn't part of the girl thing, it was a separate situation. But after having just fully accepted that I was transgender, accepting that I was bi suddenly didn't feel so terrifying.

Jeremy was still hugging my shoulder, looking at me. I blushed.

"Was that okay?" I asked, worried that I had crossed a line.

"It was fine," Jeremy shrugged, a wry smile on his face, "You're not really my type anymore."

I giggled and spun away across the snow.

"I know!" I sang out, "I'm a girl!"

Jeremy laughed, "I know! Hey, was that your first time kissing a guy?"

I stopped spinning and blushed redder, "Um. Kind of."

"Kind of?"

I shrugged guiltily. It felt wrong to count Adam, since they weren't romantic kisses. At least... they weren't supposed to be. Suddenly that knot in my stomach, which had briefly faded away when I came out, was back. Hard.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

There was a big difference between two straight guys helping each other out, and a bisexual trans girl tricking her hot male roommate into making her cum. I felt sick. I knew Adam had trust issues, I knew how important it was for him to have someone who wasn't just using him for his body, and I had fucking betrayed him. This whole time, he had done so much to help me accept myself, even if he hadn't realised it, and I had... I wanted to hit myself. I had made him jerk me off. I had made him taste my cum!

I hated myself even more when I realised that memory still turned me on.

"Mel?" said Jeremy, "Are you okay?"

I shook my head wordlessly.

"Is this... about Adam?" he asked.

"I can't... I can't tell him," I said. I tears prickled at my eyes again.

"Hey, hey," Jeremy hugged me, "It's okay. You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to tell. I won't either, I promise."

I hugged him back and nodded, sniffling into his shoulder.

"If you need a place to stay for a while, you can come to our place," Jeremy said.

"What if... what if our roommates are hooking up?" I said weakly, half-joking.

Jeremy sighed and rubbed my shoulder, "This isn't my place either, but... I don't think that's gonna happen."

I pulled back, "What? How come?"

Jeremy winced, "I really... I don't want to risk being wrong on this one. But I just don't think Adam is into her."

My stomach lurched.

"No!" I blurted, "No! This... Jeremy, this has to happen! Or, or what the fuck was any of this even for?"

"Mel--" Jeremy started, but I was already running back down the alley.

This had to happen. Adam needed to get a girlfriend. He had to. Because if he didn't, that would mean I fucked him over for nothing. It would mean I had taken everything he had given me and given him nothing in return. It would mean more late nights, alone in the apartment with him, both of us aching for affection. And I knew I would give it to him. I couldn't, it wasn't fair, it was taking advantage of him. But if I saw him, sitting in bed like he was last weak, looking so sad and lonely and... wanting me... how could I not go to him? How could I not kiss him?

I was so disgusted with myself I almost didn't realise Adam was right in front of me when I came through the door.

"Mel!" he said, "I was just coming to find you. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" I said, "I was just getting some fresh air. It's only been... upwards of five minutes."

Adam still looked worried. I wiped my eyes quickly.

"Are you sure everything's alright?" he asked.

"Yes," I said firmly, "Come on, let's go back to the table."

Adam sighed, "Actually, I think I'm gonna go home early. Tonight... wasn't really what I hoped it was gonna be."

He looked past me. I turned and saw Jeremy waiting cautiously at the door. I looked back to Adam. His jaw was clenched.

"Well we should at least finish dinner, right?" I protested, "We can't just ditch Ashanti and Jeremy--"

"Yeah, wouldn't wanna ditch Jeremy," he muttered.

"What?"

Adam sighed, "Nothing. I'm sorry. I'm just... not hungry. I'll see you at home."

He brushed past me and walked out the door. He didn't look at Jeremy when he passed him.

"What the fuck?" I said.

"Mel," said Jeremy, "I think you should follow him."

I hesitated. The last few times I had seen Adam in a mood like this, things had gone... too far. I wanted to be there for him, but I wasn't sure if I could trust myself.

But I couldn't just leave him.

I bit my lip and followed Adam into the snowy streets.