Where the Dead Things Bloom [Romantically Apocalyptic Systemfall Litrpg]

"I'm dying," Nessy announced for the seventh time in twenty minutes. "Actually dying. This is it. Remember me fondly."

"You're not dying," I said. "You're hiking."

"Same thing! My paws hurt! My tail hurts! Parts of me I didn't know existed hurt!" She dramatically flopped against a tree. "Why did we get off at Cascade? Why didn't we just take the bus all the way to the trailhead like normal people?"

"You said, and I quote, 'Buses are for quitters, we're gonna hike the WHOLE THING like real adventurers. Also, I want to check out the tourist shops. I heard they have dragons.'"

"I was misled by a clever Pradstagram marketing campaign! There were no dragons! Past-me was an idiot! Present-me hates her! Future-me is gonna be dead and divided into too many fragile pieces like one of those decorative plates!"

"Uh-huh," I smiled. "You know you didn't have to race after my bike all morning on foot. You only have yourself to blame for how tired you are."

"You kno' I don't plan things ahead that well… GAHHHH!" Nessy suddenly shrieked, pawing at her face. "ANOTHER ONE! IT'S IN MY WHISKERS! THE SPIDERS ARE TRYING TO COCOON ME!"

"They're not trying to cocoon you."

"How do you know? Maybe that's their plan! Make enough webs until I'm just a husky-shaped web ball! Then they'll roll me down the mountain and feast on my preserved nugget-filled body!"

"That's not how spiders work."

"That's EXACTLY how spiders work! I saw it in a documentary!"

"What documentary?"

"Arachnophobia 8: The Webbening!"

"That sounds made up."

"Is not! I swear I saw it somewhere!" She started to flail spastically, trying to get web off her tail. "Get it off get it off get it OFF! I can feel them LOOKING at me with their eight billion eyes!"

"Eight. Spiders have eight eyes."

"EIGHT BILLION! Every spider in the forest is watching me specifically! Planning! Scheming! Webbing!"

I turned to help her, carefully pulling silk strands from her fur. She immediately went boneless, leaning her full weight against me.

"Why are you a limp noodle?"

"I'm wounded," she declared. "Mortally spider-wounded. Got bit ten million times. You'll have to carry me."

"I'm not carrying you."

"But I'm dying!"

"You were dying five minutes ago too. You recovered."

"That was different dying! This is spider-adjacent-dying! Much worse!" She grabbed my arm. "Feel my pulse! It's probably stopped!"

"I can see your tail wagging, you're fine."

"It's involuntary death spasms!"

"You're talking."

"That's just gas escaping from my bloated body." She burped into my face.

"Yeah I'm not listening to your nonsense anymore." I started walking again, and she grudgingly followed, though not without excessive sighing and complaining.

"Why are there even so many spiders this year?" she whined, ducking under a low branch. "It's like they had a spider convention and decided to all move here. 'Hey guys, you know what would be fun? Let's all go live on the exact trail Nessy wants to hike!'"

"Wet spring means more bugs. More bugs means more spiders."

"But why can't they build their webs somewhere else? Like... I dunno, NOT directly across the trail at face-height?"

"Because that's where the bugs fly."

"Well the bugs should fly somewhere else! It's inconsiderate! I'm gonna write a strongly worded letter to the bug community! Alec you have to protek me before I become spider-chowdah."

"How?" I snorted.

Nessy dove under a tree and procured a long stick. "There. An all-dividing sword! Divide the spider webs from existence for me!"

"Fine." I swept my stick in a wide arc to clear the path ahead. "Dear bugs, please relocate. Signed, one angry husky Queen."

"Exactly! But more aggressive! With threats! 'Dear bugs, move or I'll eat you all!' Except I won't because bugs taste terrible. Remember when I ate that butterfly?"

"Which time?"

"The crunchy time!"

"They are all crunchy according to you."

"The EXTRA crunchy time! With the juice!"

"Please stop."

"It popped in my mouth like a terrible Gusher! A Gusher filled with regret and wings!"

"Nessy, I'm begging you."

"The texture! THE TEXTURE, ALEC!"

"I'm going to leave you here for the spiders."

"You wouldn't! You love me too much!" She bounded ahead, then immediately shrieked. "FACE WEB! FACE WEB! IT'S IN MY EYES!"

I watched her spin in circles, pawing at her snout. "Maybe if you didn't run ahead of the person clearing the webs..."

"This is your fault! Walk ahead of me! You're supposed to have more stamina! With your freakishly stumpy human legs! Ugh, my dog legs are failing me."

"Your legs are biologically designed for running. What are all these complaints?"

"Not uphill! Uphill is nobody's friend! Uphill is evil incarnate! Who invented uphill? I want names!"

"Geology?"

"I'm gonna fight geology after I defeat these spiders! Where does geology live?"

"Everywhere."

"Then I'll fight it everywhere! Starting with this mossy rock!" She kicked a rock, then immediately yelped. "OW! Geology fights back! Slayer! Alec! Fight that rock for me, it's an insult to my regal honor!"

I laughed as she hopped around, caressing her paw.

"It's not funny! Geology just assaulted me! You're my witness! We're suing this mountain! We're going to hire the best law firm in Denver and..."

"Good luck with that."

"I don't need luck! I have determination! And rage! Rage at spiders! Rage at geology! Rage at Past-Nessy who thought that hiking uphill to Clashridge was a great idea."

We continued up the trail, me clearing webs while Nessy provided running commentary on everything that personally currently offended her about nature. The list was extensive.

Trees? Too tall. Bushes? Too bushy. That bird? Singing off-key. This stick? Suspiciously stick-shaped.

"How else would a stick be shaped?" I finally interjected.

"Less stickishly! With more ergonomic grip zones for better grip!"

A mosquito buzzed near her ear. She snapped at it with her maw, missed, and bit her own tongue.

"OW! Theven the mosquitoes are sabotaging me!"

"Did you just bite your own tongue?"

"No! Yeth! Shut up!"

I grinned, sweeping aside another web. "Want some water?"

"Yeth pleasth."

I pulled out my water bottle from my backpack. She grabbed it with both paws and drank dramatically, water dribbling down her chin.

"Better?"

"No. Now I'm slightly wet AND covered in webs. The worst combination. Like being sad and itchy. Or hungry and full. Or—"

This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

"Those last two are opposites."

"Exactly! That's why it's the worst! It doesn't even make sense! How much further?"

"According to the Pawgle maps, about two miles to the overlook."

"TWO MILES?! That's like... sixty miles in husky-hiking distance!"

"How's husky measurements different from human feet and inches?"

"Uhhhh…" She tried to think of the answer. "It's a… secret! Dog measurements are kept secret from humans in case you decide to attack us."

"Why would we even…"

"You personally attack me all the time!"

"I think it's the other way around. You're the one who glomps and licks me."

"To make you more presentable for the observation of my future self! It's a vital service! You should pay me!"

"How and why is your future self observing me? Isn't it enough that your present self is observing me?"

"I dunno, prolly some kinda high-tek goggles that simulate reality on a subatomic level? Like in that movie where the wolves see crimes before they happen? I can't predict the future tech, dude. I'm not a nerd like someone."

I cleared another web, this one with an absolutely massive black spider in the center.

"Did you SEE that?!" Nessy pressed against my back. "It was huge! Massive! It probably eats birds! Small children! MEDIUM huskies!"

"It was a garden spider."

"A garden of DEATH spider! It looked at me! With malice! I could smell the malice from here!"

She tried to climb onto my back. "Carry me past the spider zone!"

"There is no spider zone. The whole trail is the spider zone."

"Then carry me the whole trail!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"I'll be quiet! I won't lick you!"

I stopped walking and turned to look at her. "You? Quiet?"

"I can be quiet! I'm super good at quiet! The best at quiet! Nobody does quiet like—"

I stared at her.

"Okay I see the problem."

I laughed and kept walking, stick swishing through the air like the world's least impressive sword.

"You know what?" Nessy said, stepping carefully behind me. "I'm gonna invent spider-proof hiking."

"How would that work, exactly?"

"With... with tubes! Clear tubes we walk through! No spiders allowed!"

"What if they get in?"

"Then we'll make the tubes vibrate! Constantly! Spiders hate vibration!"

"Do they really?"

"Duh! Is spider science! Have you ever seen a spider on a vibrating thing? No? That's right."

Another web. This one had collected dew drops that sparkled in the afternoon sun filtering through the canopy.

"Ooh, pretty!" Nessy said, then immediately: "Wait, no! It's a trap! The spiders make them pretty on purpose! To lure in unsuspecting huskies!"

"Why would spiders want to lure in huskies?"

"For their fur! They're gonna steal my fluff and make... make tiny spider sweaters! Yes, that's it."

"Spider sweaters? Aren't they already fuzzy?"

"It's cold in webs! Spider science facts!"

"Have you consulted the spiders about this?"

"I don't speak spiderling yet, so I've never asked but it looks drafty!"

"Riiiiight."

"Just you wait, we're gonna walk into a massive spider textiles operation and I'll be proven right."

I cleared another web.

"You know, this is actually pretty nice," Nessy said after a moment of only moderate complaining, trailing after me. "Like Skyrim. You're like my personal spider-slaya knight. Sir Alec of the Stick. Defender against eight-legged menaces."

"Thanks?"

"You're welcome! Aight. I'm gonna write a ballad about you!"

"You better not."

"Can't stop won't stop. The ballad is happening." She fell silent, then started to hum, then became silent again, then hummed even louder.

We kept walking.

"There once was a boy with a stick… Who saved a husky so quick? From spiders and webs. Ugh. And geological ebbs? And—uh... something that rhymes with stick? Nick? Pick? D…"

She fell silent, ears wiggling.

"Gah, no bad Nessy, stay focused on wholesome things!" She nearly tumbled off the trail into a particularly large spiderweb.

"Tubrnn tbrrnn tun tun tun tubrnn tun," she made random noises.

"Behold, my knight of the Stick—" She began loudly.

"Please stop," I groaned.

"Who saves me from webs super thick! Tun tun tun trrrnn!" She added more dramatic sound effects. "We hike up the mountain—"

"Watch where you're going!"

"Past... uh... a rock fountain?" She paused, squinting at a particularly mossy boulder. "That's totally a fountain. Of rocks. Shut up, it works. Tun tun! And other geology that makes me feel... ugh... sick!"

I snorted. "That barely rhymed."

"Rhyming is for quitters! Moving on! TRRRNN tun tun tun!" She bounded ahead, then remembered the spiders and immediately ducked back behind me as I cleared another web. "At MacPaws we feast like true kings! On nuggets and fries and such things!"

"That reminds me. You stole my fries."

"Shush, I'm musicatin' here! Tun tun tun!
But then comes that raptor—
Who's trying to captor—
My Alec with her shiny-ass wings!"

"Raptors don't have wings—"

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!" She poked me with a dark claw. "Stop noticing raptors and what they have and don't have!"

"What?"

"That Kristi thinks... uh... she's such smart!
With her fancy ripped pants n' juice a la carte!" She resumed the song.

"Those weren't really ripped, they were designer—"

"Shh!
She stalks us at Superstore! Dramatic tun tun!
Pretending to be a herbivore!
While plotting to nom Alec's heart!"

"Nobody's nomming anyone's heart, Nessy."

"That's what you THINK!" She spun around, walking backwards up the trail while gesturing wildly.

"But she can't compete with my flair. Oh no! Trrrnn!
Remember that time at the fair?
You won me that big teddy bear!"

"Yes. You made me try seventeen times."

"I named him Sir Fluffins!
And feed him corn muffins!" She paused.

"Wait, that doesn't rhyme with flair. Uh... MOVING ON! TUN TUN!"

She leaped over a fallen log, far too graceful for someone who'd been complaining about dying five minutes ago.

"Remember how we built a fort in the pines?
With 'NO RAPTORS' on all of the signs?"

"That was incredibly specific, yes."

"Extra stocked with snacks! Tun! For midnight hunger attacks! Tun!
Strung up with See-Mass lights!" She attempted a pirouette and nearly face-planted into another web. "GAH! SPIDER AMBUSH! Get offa me!"

After I helped detangle her, she immediately resumed:
"Last Tuesday you taught me to skate!"

"That was three months ago."

"Linear time isn't real! It's a holofractal illusion!"

"Sure."

"I fell on my snout... uh... forty-eight... Times in a row! Tragic tun tun!
But refused to let go! Of your sleeve till we crashed through the gate!"

"We got banned from that rink because you invaded the announcer room and tried to sing into the mike."

"Worth it! TRRRNN!" She was practically bouncing now. "Remember our lemonade stand? Where I bit that girl grabby hand?"

"Yes."

"Girl's hand. That needs an 's'. Whatever. Good enough."

"Her parents threatened to sue."

"You said 'Nessy NO!' But I had to show! Protective tun tun! That nobody touches my mate... uh... Packmate!"

I raised an eyebrow at the slip, but she barreled on, tail fluttering.

"Next week let's go race shopping carts!
Through Superstore's forbidden parts! Past employees who glare! Tun!
While I style your hair! Tun tun!
With many licks from my heart!"

"We're definitely banned if we do that."

"So here's to our friendship supreme! GRAND FINALE TRRRNN!
We're more than a regular team! Cus' you're my human mate—I MEAN FRIEND! HUMAN FRIEND!"

I stared at her.

"I'm your husky bae—BEST FRIEND! VERY PLATONIC BEST FRIEND! Panicked tun tun! Forever we'll chase every dream!"

"Trrnn tuunnrr tun tun tun." She inhaled deep. "Aaaa-aaa–auuuuuuhhhhh!" She howled, almost as if she was in an opera preformance.

She finished with an elaborate bow, panting furiously and nearly tipping forward into the dirt. "Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all hike! Literally! Because I can't escape!"

"That was..." I searched for words. "Hmmm..."

"Something AMAZING? Yes? Admit it! You loved it!"

"The meter was all over the place."

"Meter is for cowards! True artists follow no rules!" She pranced ahead, then immediately shrieked. "ALEC! MEGA YUGE SPIDER! CODE RED! CODE RED!"

I sighed, raising my stick to clear yet another web from the trail. At this rate, we'd reach the overlook sometime next week.

Her singing was pretty impressive for an amateur, but I didn't want to admit it. The husky already had a huge ego and it didn't need to be inflated further or she would endlessly bug me with singing attempts.

Maybe someday in some distant future she could sing this entire song without ridiculous tun-tun-tuns interjections and other silly commentary.

"You know," I said as the wind picked up, "maybe we should have taken Kristi's advice."

"WHAT?! We don't need no friggin' raptor advice! What advice are you even considering…"

Thunder rumbled in the distance.

We both looked up at the rapidly darkening sky, a massive storm front rolling over the glacier-capped mountains.

"...Gah! Exhume ponchos!" Nessy yelped, ears folding back. "Quick, before I am thoroughly moistened!"