What Little Remains Of Terpsichore Ironheart

"So, Catherine," Professor Takeda said, pouring me a cup of strange, foreign tea that smelled like cherries and oranges. "How has your break been?"

"I found out that I'm slowly turning into a dragon, and having intermittent episodes of draconic behavior that I've only just started to remember afterwards," I said. "It's, uh... Rather alarming, honestly."

"What exactly constitutes 'draconic behavior' in these episodes of yours?" Takeda asked.

"Mostly, hoarding behavior that manifests as a protective and possessive attitude towards my girlfriends," I said. "Which is mostly harmless, and amounts to insisting everyone sleep in my bed, but, y'know, I'd still like to get that under control before it causes relationship issues that'd destroy party cohesion. However, the most recent episode started with me ripping out my cousin's throat with my teeth, drinking his blood, and then personally one-by-one killing the entire three hundred man crew of the Breath Of Fire."

"That is slightly more concerning, yes," Professor Takeda said, nodding. "Although... Were you already planning to kill these men? Or did they present a credible threat to your life?"

"They were pirates, and the mission was to destroy an unusually well-organized fleet of pirates, but still, it was a bit uncharacteristically vicious of me," I said.

"The first man you killed was decapitated in the streets, and then you put his severed head on your mantel," Takeda pointed out. "Demon King Paimon was beaten to death with iron knuckles. And you tortured a number of his cultists for information before killing them and leaving them unburied."

I blinked a few times.

"I really have to find a new line of work," I said. "In the meantime, do you have any ideas for using Occult magic to limit the influence of my dragon episodes?"

"Well, yes and no," Professor Takeda said, setting her teacup down. "It's certainly quite possible to stop these dragon episodes from happening entirely, but that would be by halting your progress with your own dragon's blood. You would still be able to do whatever Sorcery you've already learned, but learning new Sorcery would become much harder, and you would stop getting closer to becoming a dragon."

I hummed quietly as I considered this.

"...Do you not want to be a dragon?" Professor Takeda asked.

"It's more that I'm trying to think of what, precisely, being a dragon would actually do to benefit me," I said. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not blind to the fact that being able to turn into a giant flying lizard that breathes fire would be incredibly cool, but... Classically, one of the big motivators for people to seek out dragon's blood is longevity, because dragons are immortal. But, well... I'm an elf. I'm already immortal. Dragon's blood isn't going to make me more immortal."

"It'll give you a larger magicka pool, though," Professor Takeda pointed out.

"Which is nice, but also, I haven't hit the limit of what humanoids can achieve yet, so..." I shrugged. "I don't know. I'm starting to realize that, as ridiculous as this sounds, pursuing ancient sorcery with my estranged grandfather in order to become an immortal dragon is kind of a pointless vanity project."

"Hm. Well, if I may present the alternative solution anyways?"

"Oh! Yes, please, go ahead."

"Another way to limit the effects of the dragon episodes is to induce a continuous dragon episode, exposing you to draconic instincts at all times, thus enabling you to learn to cope with these instincts much more quickly."

"...Considering what dragons are historically known to be like, I don't like the idea of doing that anywhere near Mount Fate, which is full of people I would end up either killing or claiming. How about I pause the episodes for the remainder of the semester, and then go into a permanent one over Winter Break back at home?"

"I'll have to dig out my notes on the subject. Give me a few days."

---

"So, after you four do your contractually-mandated five years of post-graduation adventuring," I began, "what're your plans?"

"I want to apply to a graduate school somewhere and get my PhD," Erica said. "I've been working on teleportation gates, and I feel like I'm close to the breakthrough that'd let us actually make those."

"...I beg your pardon?" Envy asked.

"Teleportation gates are so impractical to craft that they are widely believed to be impossible," I explained. "This is due to some pretty fundamental limits in how making magic items works, which... I don't know how much you've studied that? I know you're really good with ectoplasm, so maybe you just never bothered learning conventional enchantment."

"I have not," Envy said. "If you would please summarize?"

"Go ahead," Erica added.

"Right, so," I began. "For the class of magic items that work by casting a spell when activated, one of the factors you have to consider is, essentially, how much magicka that spell costs to cast. And if you use more magicka in the enchanting phase, you can decrease the magicka cost of casting the spell in question. For some especially simple and/or cheap spells, reducing the casting cost to zero is not only theoretically possible, it's something people do all the time. For instance, I've got a magic teapot that conjures near-boiling water from the Elemental Plane of Water, without requiring any magicka input from me."

"Alright," Envy said. "I'm with you so far. Does that mean that making a magic item that teleports people without spending magicka for every teleportation would be expensive?"

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

"It is so expensive that literally nobody on the planet has the magicka reserves it'd take to do that," I said. "Wizards have been working on this problem ever since there have been Wizards to work on it. Jason Goldmist, a two thousand year old Gold Dragon who works in academia and has the largest known magicka reserves of anyone alive, isn't even close to doing it. And yet, it's a matter of factual historical record that, about two thousand years ago, a Gold Dragon named Anzerath Wyrmwood created a network of teleportation gates to connect her burgeoning empire, and that they lasted until, five hundred years later, she was slain by the Dark Lord of the time, and her gate network destroyed."

"It's clearly possible to do it," Erica added. "We just don't know how she did it. There's been attempts at using pocket dimensions to create a similar effect- a box with two openings, which is smaller on the inside- but, as far as I'm aware, nobody's managed to get that to work."

I blinked a few times, my mind filling with visions of Mom's own, more robust theoretical model of pocket dimensions, and I began wondering how, precisely, I'd go about trying to do what Erica described. It almost immediately became too complicated to do in my head, and also, this was not a study session, this was a socializing session.

"Anyhow," I said. "Erica, you've answered the question to my satisfaction. Who else has plans after you're done adventuring?"

"My plan is that I won't be done adventuring," Nicky said. "After our five year contract is up, then I'll find a new party and continue adventuring. Considering that your party will have graduated by that point, I might well join up with you girls. We'll see."

"Envy and I are getting married," Vanessa said.

"...What."

"Unfortunately, the Rite of Absolution does terrible things to your marriage prospects," Envy explained. "Noblemen are unaccustomed to wives who are fully entitled to challenge them to duels if their behavior displeases them. However, an interesting loophole exists in the wording of the Rite of Absolution, that we are prepared to argue means that Vanessa has the traditionally masculine right to take a wife, which would be me."

"And in exchange for her hand in marriage, House Valentine gets House Vega as a backer, and everyone's happy," Vanessa said.

"And..." I blinked. "...Envy, I was led to believe you were heterosexual."

"I am," Envy said, nodding.

"But you're marrying a woman."

"Legally, we're all men."

"But- you have eyes, Envy."

Envy shrugged. "And? Look, everyone knows that aristocratic marriages are about politics, not love. Vanessa's just being a friend and doing me a favor, here."

"...Won't you have to produce an heir at some point?" I asked.

"Organic transmutation," Vanessa said.

"I'm doing Vanessa a favor too," Envy said simply.

"So, just to make sure I understand," I said. "Envy, you plan to marry another woman, have unprotected sex with her, and have her babies, and you're confident that's heterosexual behavior?"

"I am."

"...Alright. Have fun with that, I suppose. Oh! Before I go, actually- Envy, would you mind letting me copy something out of your spellbook?"

"Which something?" Envy asked.

"That spell you used to create ectoplasmic puppets," I said.

"Ah, that," Envy said. "Honestly, you'd be better off reading the original dissertation- I didn't come up with that spell myself."

"Alright, who wrote the dissertation?"

"I think it was... Melody Freeman?"

I blinked a few times.

"Are you already familiar with her work?" Envy asked.

"We've met, actually," I said mildly.

"Oh, marvelous! I don't suppose you could make an introduction, could you? I'm tremendously in her debt- her work has been invaluable to me during my time here."

"...I'll see what I can do."

---

"You're Duchess Redwater?" Envy marveled, starstruck as she beheld the woman she'd looked up to in a more academic capacity.

"The one and the same," Melody said, nodding. "Thank you for inviting me here, Catherine- it's always nice to be recognized for my craft."

"Your work on ectoplasmic puppets has been lifechanging for me," Envy gushed. "It's helped me out of so many jams, and taught me so much about the finer points of Occult magic!"

"I'm glad I could help you find your passion, darling," Melody said. "You know, back when I attended Mount Fate, I was in the Harpies, too."

"What was it like?"

"Well, Helen didn't threaten to expel us, so I imagine we had it a little easier than you," Melody said. "Now, I'm afraid I can't stay and chat for very long, but..." She reached into her cleavage, and produced a small notebook, much like the one she'd given me, before handing it to Envy. "Anything you write in that notebook will appear in one I have; I'll know when you've written something, and check it at earliest convenience."

"Thank you..." Envy whispered, eyes glistening as she held the notebook in her hands.

"I don't have to go right this second, but... I think we have maybe five minutes before I have to get back home. Is there anything in particular you'd like to discuss?"

"I..." Envy trailed off, trying desperately to decide on something.

I decided to help her out.

"I've heard she's been workshopping her kissing technique with the other Harpies," I said casually. "Maybe you could give her some pointers?"

"...Envy?" Melody asked.

"I... well..." Envy began, nervously. "...If you'd like?"

Melody pulled Envy into a hungry kiss, and I smirked as my favorite cougar tore into her brand new chewtoy. Admittedly, I hadn't known that Melody was bisexual before now, but this was... Actually. Hang on. Was she a full-on lesbian who'd clocked me as an egg?

What the fuck even was my life? How did I get here?

I came back into reality to the sound of Melody squeaking in surprise, and Envy groping the Duchess' massive meaty mommy milkers. Melody ended up returning the favor, planting her hands on Envy's ass and starting to squeeze and knead, but Envy didn't seem nearly as surprised by this.

After a few minutes of this, Melody broke the kiss, pulling back and breathing heavily.

"I think... you're already very good," Melody said. "And that... if you want another practice partner... then you should come down to Redwater sometime, for a study session."

"I will," Envy promised her. "Thank you, Doctor."

"Of course."